about the business, that she did more towards the recovery of his health, than all the doctors and nurses in the United Kingdom would have done without her. In a month, with the exception of his sight, Charles T- was nearly as well as he ever had been, and then this same little nurse undertook another task, that as he could not see himself, she would see for him, and so well did they manage the business, in less than six months, the invalid and his nurse were married at L-church; 'twould have done any one's heart good to hear the cheers and the bell-ringing, &c. on that occasion; and on that day (at least) there was not an allusion made to woman's inconstancy by any individual for miles round; indeed, no one could have the folly to attempt it with such a convincing proof to the contrary before their eyes. I have seen this married pair many times since, and if I may judge from what fell under my observation at those times, with truth I may say, not a happier couple exists than they are, and Charles himself confesses, that had not this misfortune befallen him, it is possible he might never have known what woman will do for him she loves, or the value of woman's affections. This is but one of the many tales of affection which could be recounted ;I would that I were better able to perform the task I undertook; but I trust, this is sufficient to shew the truth of the assertions made at the commencement of this little sketch; that it is so I sincerely hope; in that case, my desires are gratified, and I have only to say in conclusion, may every woman's affection be sincerely returned, and her love never placed on an unworthy object. J. S. C. ANCIENT GRANT BY WILLIAM THE I William, give to thee, Norman Hunter here, From me and mine, To thee and thine; As good and fair As ever they were; To witness this in Sooth, I bite the white wax with my Tooth, W.C. CONFESSIONS OF A "MODERN" FOR THE OLIO. I AM one of those unfortunate wights, who, venturing to ascend Parnassus' height, had not reached far up its rugged sides, ere I was, like many of my predecessors, by an unlucky slip, precipitated headlong to its base, where I alighted in a large desart. I lay for some time stunned with the fall, but, on recovering the remaining sense left me, found myself in an apt spot for reflection. After ruminating for some time, and surveying the state of my finances and tattered wardrobe, I, at length, came to the resolution of being for the future more humble in my notions; and, instead of again venturing an ascent to the Temple of the Muses, I mounted, gentle reader, not that sacred shrine of the chaste Nine, but a garret, where I now remain an humble vender of "attic fragments" to the magazines and other periodicals of the day. To give some clue by what standard to judge of my merits, and what opinion to form of my qualifications for the character of a gentleman; (for, although, now moving in a very humble sphere, I trust I have never forfeited my honour, though guilty of many early indiscretions ;) I am the younger son of a baronet, who bestowed upon me a liberal education; but as I was never likely to come in for a very large slice of his estate, he adopted the prudential resolution of placing me in some situation, whereby I might ultimately amass wealth by my own exertions. He accordingly, made choice of the law, observing to me, that by that profession, how numerous were the persons who had risen to the highest preferment; (he might have quoted, "the gallows for instance.") I was accordingly articled to a solicitor in London. Shortly after entering upon my clerkship, I was, by resorting to the haunts of the worthless and the vicious, singled out by my gay companions, who helped me to dissipate the small stipend allowed by my father, and initiated me into what seemed a more agreeable method of spending my time than in engrossing deeds, &c. in old Latitat's chambers in the dull purlieus of Lincoln's Inn. It was not long ere (a natural consequence of the evil course I was then pursuing) I contracted so thorough an aversion to the use of my pen, that in less than three months, I left my em ployer, and gave myself up to my gay companions, hiding myself in the daytime, and seeking the haunts of pleasure at night. In this way of life, I soon expended the little that I had possessed, and contracted debts I was unable to liquidate. It was at this period came reflection, and all the horrors of my situation burst forth upon my previously benighted senses.Poverty stared me in the face-creditors became importunate-my quondam friends deserted me, and I had no alternative but to become an inmate of a prison for debt, or preserve my liberty by flight. I chose the latter as the least evil of the two, and enlisted into a regiment of Hussars, soon about to embark for the Peninsula, which occurred in a few weeks, and I quitted my native country without ever acquainting my father or my master, with this change in my situation, or of my having laid down the peaceful quill for the more honourable profession of the sword. I will not detain you with a tedious relation of my military adventures-of what I suffered and achieved; suffice it to say, that at the conclusion of the war on the Continent, our regiment was disbanded, and I had a second time to seek a livelihood. A wandering genius, and a desire of seeing something more of the busy world, led me once more to the metropolis, where at an obscure coffee-house, on pondering over what course to take to procure a subsistence, chance threw into my hand a newspaper, and scanning over its contents, a bookseller's announcement of the publication of Captain -'s Voyages and Travels, caught my eye. This settled the point, and I resolved to publish mine: I hastily sipped up my solitary cup of coffee, and was about to depart, when I was addressed by a tall personage of meagre aspect, and much more meagre costume, who, it appeared, though seated in the same box, had been unobserved by me in my deep reverie. "Young gentleman," said he, "pardon the intrusion, but judging by your appearance and manner, you are at a loss which course to steer; I can point out to you the road, not only to subsistence, but to fame. I discern your qualifications in your countenance, and venture to predict that your forte is literature, and that you will one day be enrolled in the foremost rank of modern' authors. Your way to glory is easy and expeditious. Know," he continued, "that I am in the ranks myself, and, I trust, of no mean literary attainments, but that I cannot descend to the paste and scissors' system of the present day; for you must learn, that as there is nothing new under the sun -so the art of writing in the present age is no more than the art of saying over again, what hath been said a thousand times before; nothing, therefore, is requisite for what is termed a 'modern' author, but boldness in transcribing from those who have gone before him, and a dexterity in applying what they have written to his own time, and the subject which he hath in hand." I was caught by the feasibility of his reasoning, and as I saw so easy a method of turning it to account, I at once made up my mind to close with my tutor, should he make me a proposal. He then most unreservedly, and with great good-nature, made me acquainted with his plan of future operations; I was caught with it, and became his pupil. Under his instructions, I soon became one of the "initiated," and not only an M. A., but an A. S.S. in all the mysteries of the "modern school." With a gazetteer, a French and an English dictionary, and a few old books of "Voyages and Travels," picked up cheap at book-stalls, after separating from my 'modern' Mæcenas, I entered upon my new profession. My new acquaintance promised to call upon me the following morning, to which engagement he was punctual; and upon that interview it was arranged that he should pass as the agent of the "Great Unknown," who, from his high rank in society, could not descend to negociate with the booksellers. My first attempts were poetic, in which I succeeded tolerably well; but flushed with my success, I soon soared too high, and, as I stated in the outset of this narrative, I at length met with a fall, as the booksellers declined to negociate for my MSS., on account of the dull sale of some of my former productions. This unlucky accident put me out of humour with the Muses, and made me determine to confine myself for the future to plain prose. Having it suggested to me by my "modern" Mæcenas, that in the present dearth of materiel, a volume or two of "Modern" Travels might go down with the public, by dint of well puffing, I eagerly caught the idea, set to work, and in the short space of a 202 fortnight I finished my Travels through Egypt, Syria, and the Holy Land, without descending from my garret; and in less than a month they were ushered forth to the public in "three neat pocket volumes." This proved a decided hit, and, emboldened by my success in vamping, I became a perfect Proteus in the art, and for a time myself and partner carried on a flourishing trade. But how uncertain are all things in this transitory life!-how varied the vicissitudes which those who follow the literary trade-for it is no longer a profession-have to pass in their "Othello's mazy road through it! "Reviewers" occupation's gone"-the ruined me; for, jealous of my success over some of their supporters, they blew up our literary-steam-engine vamp, and involved myself and partner in the general ruin. Thus once more thrown upon the world, I beg to state in conclusion, that I am resolved to trust henceforth to originality in my lucubrations; but, as the booksellers (whose purpose I have served) have deserted me, and declined my MSS., I have no resource left but to become my own publisher, and to request the public to judge impartially of the importance of my forthcoming works to society, (the announcement of which is subjoined) which must infallibly lead to their being generally read and duly appreciated. On the 1st of April will be published, in foolscap 8vo. A PANEGYRICAL ESSAY UPON Price 2s. 6d. Also, on the same day, and by the same Printed for the Author, and shortly to be had of all Booksellers. *** For flattering notices of these works, see the forthcoming reviews. ADVANCEMENT IN LIFE. The Roman Emperor, C. Julius Pope Alexander the Fifth, was a common beggar in the island of Candia. Pope Adrian the Fourth was a poor English monk. H.S. A TROUBLESOME VISITOR. For the Olio. ONE of those triflers, who have nothing else to do but intrude their persons in the shape of "morning visitors," wherever they have had the good fortune for themselves, but the ill-fortune for others, to have gained an introduction, was in the habit of calling upon a noble lord; till, at last, by the. frequency and unconsciable length of his visitations, he so completely tired out the good-nature and patience of the nobleman, that he resolved to bear with it no longer; accordingly, strict orders were given to the porter, that when this troublesome visitor called again, his Lordship wished to denied. be In the course of a few days after this command, a loud knock of pretension brought the porter hastily to the door, and on opening it with as much alacrity as he was capable of, the person, of his master's aversion, was presented to his view. "His lordship is not at home," grumbled out the man in office, (speaking for the first time in his life, whilst performing the duties of his vocation,) before he was spoken to. "His Ludship not at home,” responded the gentleman, " pon honor, vastly provoking, wanted to see him most particularly, b-u-t-a-a-my g-o-o-d friend," continued he, you sure his Ludship is not at homeq-u-i-t-e certain ?" are "Yes, I am quite certain," replied the man gruffly, and then prepared by gentle degrees to close the door. The visitor, however, was not inclined to take the hint, but deliberately applying the glass at the end of his whip to his eye, he took a general survey of the hall, (be it known the said whip was carried for the use of the glass only) and coolly remarked "Oh, how opportune, I see you have a clock there; I will just step in and set my watch by it, for it has stopped;" and in he walked, desiring the porter to put to the door as it was very cold, then pulling out his watch, was in the act of pretending to wind it up, when his lordship, perfectly innocent of the intruder's entree, unfortunately made his appearance on the stairs equipped for a ride. "Ah, my dear Lud," said the incorrigible bore, with a becoming start of feigned surprise, "what a droll mistake, why, your porter informed me you were not at home; how fortunate that I just stop ped an instant to set my time-piece, otherwise we should have missed, and it would have been so mortifying;" saying which, up the stairs he bounded, spite of his lordship's cold look and hints that he was on the point of going out; and not until he had kept him a full hour listening to his into lerable twaddle, did the obtruder take his departure. The nobleman, the moment his visitor had made his exit, summoned the porter to his presence, and reprimanding him most severely for having disobeyed his orders, declared that if he ever again allowed that person to get a footing in his house, he should immediately quit his service; the porter bowed submission, resolving in his own mind not to be outwitted a second time. At the lapse of about a week, a loud sessarara resounded through the hall; the porter recognised the rap, "6 Ah, ah," said he to himself, as he toddled from his comfortable chair, but not with the alacrity he put in force upon a former occasion; `" ah, ah, my fine fellow, you do not set your foot over my master's threshold to-day," and forthwith opening the portal, the expected visitor was exposed to view. "His Ludship at home?" enquired he, with that smile so peculiar to those who are ever in good humour with themselves. "Yes, his lordship is at home," replied the man, "but he is unwell and in bed, and therefore cannot see any one," added in a tone, as he imagined sufficiently decisive to send him, or any one else, about their business. Not so, however, with our gentleman, for after expressing his sorrow for the nobleman's indisposition, he had again recourse to the peeping system, and discovered a beautiful parrot hanging in the hall. "Oh, what a pretty creature!" exclaimed our hero," does it talk? dear, how odd that I should never have no ticed it before-I, too, who am so fond of birds; ah, poll, pretty, p-r-e-t-t-y p-o-l-l-y,-stop, now I think of it, I have surely heard parrots are very fond of sweets, and I do think, I have some comfits, or something of the sort in my pocket-here, polly, will you have some,' ," and into the hall our hero walked, and up to the bird's cage; and almost at the same instant, to the utter dismay of the trembling porter, down walked his lordship from the drawing room to cross the hall in his way to the library; and a second time had his patience and good-breeding put to the test by this incorrigible nuisance; the moment he was released, all his repressed indignation, was vented upon the unhappy porter; who, however, at length, by dint of earnest entreaties, humble apologies, and solemn promises, never to be imposed upon again, obtained his pardon. It was not long ere the house was a third time besieged by this persevering plague, when the porter, who had been on the watch for his coming, and quite certain he was under no mistake with regard to his man, roared through the key-hole-" The clock's stopped, the parrot's dead, and his lordship's out of town." A NIGHT SCENE ON THE NIGER. FROM THE LANDERS' TRAVELS. We made no stop on the river, not even at meal times, our men suffering the canoe to glide down the stream while they were eating their food. At five in the afternoon they all complained of fatigue, and we looked around us for a landing-place, where we might rest awhile, but we could find none, for every village which we saw after that hour was unfortunately situated behind large thick morasses and sloughy bogs, through which, after various provoking and tedious trials, we found it impossible to penetrate. We were employed three hours in the afternoon in endeavouring to find a landing at some village, and though we saw them distinctly enough from the water, we could not find a passage through the morasses behind which they lay. Therefore we were compelled to relinquish the attempt, and continue our course on the Niger. We passed several beautiful islands in the course of the day, all cultivated and inhabited, but low and flat. The width of the river seemed to vary considerably, sometimes it seemed to be two or three miles across, and at others double that width. The current drifted us along very rapidly, and we guessed it to be running at the rate of three or four miles an hour. The direction of the stream continued nearly east. The day had been excessively warm, and the sun set in beauty and grandeur, shooting forth rays tinged with the most heavenly hues, which extended to the zenith. Nevertheless, the appearance of the firmament, all glorious as it was, betokened a coming storm; the wind whistled through the tall rushes, and darkness soon covered the earth like a veil. This rendered us more anxious than ever to land somewhere, we cared not where, and to endeavour to procure shelter for the night, if not in a village, at least under a tree. Accordingly, rallying the drooping spirits of our men, we encouraged them to renew their exertions by setting them the example, and our canoe darted silently and swiftly down the current. We were enabled to steer her rightly by the vividness of the lightning, which flashed across the water continually, and by this means also we could distinguish any danger before us, and avoid the numerous small islands with which the river is interspersed, and which otherwise might have embarrassed us very seriously. But though we could perceive almost close to us several lamps burning in comfortable looking huts, and could plainly distinguish the voices of their Occupants, and though we exerted all our strength to get at them, we were foiled in every attempt, by reason of the sloughs and fens, and we were at last obliged to abandon them in despair. Some of these lights, after leading us a long way, eluded our search, and vanished from our sight like an ignis fatuus; and others danced about we knew not how. But what was more vexatious than all, after we had got into an inlet, and toiled and tugged for a full half hour against the current, which in this little channel was uncommonly rapid, to approach a village through which we thought it flowed, both village and lights seemed to sink into the earth, and the sound of the people's voices ceased of a sudden, and when we fancied we were actually close to the spot, we strained our eyes in vain to see a single hut,-all was gloomy, dismal, cheerless, and solitary. It seemed the work of enchantment; every thing was as visionary as sceptres grasped in sleep." We had paddled along the banks a distance of not less than thirty miles, every inch of which we had attentively examined, but not a bit of dry land could any where be discovered which was firm enough to bear our weight. Therefore, we resigned ourselves to circumstances, and all of us having been refreshed with a little cold rice and honey, and water from the stream, we permitted the canoe to drift down with the current, for our men were too much fa tigued with the labours of the day to work any longer. But here a fresh evil arose which we were unprepared to meet. An incredible number of hippopotami arose very near us, and came splashing, snorting, and plunging all around the canoe, and placed us in imminent danger. Thinking to frighten them off, we fired a shot or two at them, but the noise only called up from the water and out of the fens, about as many more of their unwieldy companions, and we were more closely beset than before. Our people, who had never in all their lives been exposed in a canoe to such huge and formidable beasts, trembled with fear and apprehension, and absolutely wept aloud; and their terror was not a little increased by the dreadful peals of thunder which rattled over their heads, and by the awful darkness which prevailed, broken at intervals by flashes of lightning, whose powerful glare was truly awful. Our people tell us, that these formidable animals frequently upset canoes in the river, when every one in them is sure to perish. These came so close to us, that we could reach them with the buttend of a gun. When I fired at the first, which I must have hit, every one of them came to the surface of the water, and pursued us so fast over to the north bank, that it was with the greatest difficulty imaginable we could keep before them. Having fired a second time, the report of my gun was followed by a loud roaring noise, and we seemed to increase our distance from them. There were two Bornou men among our crew who were not so frightened as the rest, having seen some of these creatures before on Lake Tchad, where they say there are plenty of them. However, the terrible hippopotami did us no kind of mischief whatever, they were only sporting and wallowing in the river, for their own amusement, no doubt, at first, when we interrupted them; but had they upset our canoe, we would have paid dearly for it We observed a bank on the north side of the river shortly after this, and I proposed halting on it for the night, for I wished much to put my foot on firm land again. This, however, not one of the crew would consent to, saying, that if the Gewo Roua, or water elephant, did not kill them, the crocodiles certainly would do so before the morning, and I thought afterwards that we might have been carried off, like the Cumbrie people on the islands near Yaoorie, if we had tried the expe |
