« ПредишнаНапред »
Paddy vs. P16.-The risibles of the dwellers on Central
St. were the other day strongly excited by a foot race be-
Patrick run for his dinner. Twice, yea thrice did Patrick
nian,,) the baste is like the Oregon settlement, the nearer Where's the maiden that can vie a
you get to him, the further he is off-I'll calch him no
more, bad luck to him!" - Lorpell Com.
Ax INTERESTING Snip's COMPANY. The Providence Jour-
nal relates the following anecdote: Some dozen or fourMillion miles to find Sophia.
teen years ago, a brig arrived at Liverpool from Boston. Where's the man that would deny a
The captain went to the Custom House with his papers, Flood of tears for lost Sophia ?
to enter his vessel. From these papers the Collector as1, in fact, could weep and cry a
certained that her name was the Mary Scudder, that she Whole long year for young Sophia.
was owned and freighted by Messrs. Horace Scudder & All the earth could not supply a
Co. of Boston, and consigned to Silas B. Scudder, suHusband worthy of Sophia.
percargo on board--that her crew consisted of Isaiah I wonder much if in the sky a
Scudder, Master, George W. Scudder, first mate, Enoch -N angel lives to match Sophia.
Scudder, second mate, Zerubbabel Scudder, Jonathan There's not I'm sure, in low or high, a
Scudder Samuel Scudder, Josiah Scudder, Ezra Scudder, Girl 80 sweet as dear Sophia.
seamen, Hannibal Scudder, cook, Cato Scudder, steward,
Isaiah Scudder, Jr. boy, Mrs. Elizabeth Scudder, and two "THE KJVERLID," OR YANKEE NEATNESS.-A Green Horn little infant Scudders, passengers. “For mercy's sake." from the interior, recently went to visit a rich cousin in exclaimed the astonished collector, throwing down his the city of Boston. Being introduced into the sitting room pen, "are there any more Scudders left in-New England, by the servant, he stopped at the door, and gazing for a or have you brought them all with you?" moment, with astonishment, upon the rich carpet on the floor, he at last observed a narrow space next the wall of the room, which it did not cover, and with long strides,
It is a current story, that a doctor, having purchased his marched over it opposite the fire-place: here, being obliged diploma, in the course of riding through Aberdeen, desired to cross the carpet to reach his friends, (who began to be his man John, when waiting at dinner, not to forget his as much surprised as he was,) in reaching the hearth, he
new dignity, whenever he addressed him. “Noa maister," could not avoid stepping on it--and, turning
with much ap- replied John, “if so be as how you don't forget mine," parent mortification to his cousin, he exclaimed_" There, showing him at the same time his doctor's degree, which Polly, I have trod on vour kiverlid arter all." -Low. Mer he had purchased in imitation of his master. EQUIVOCAL PREMISES.--" It seems to me your loaves are
SYMPTOMS.—I'll bet a sheep," said an old Meredith to all of the same weight," muttered a fault-finding house his other half, that our boy Otho is going crazy.--For be wife to a baker, as she poised a couple of loaves from his is grinning at the plough, and he is grinning at the barn, basket-"do you 'spose you can chcat me?" "I don't want and he is grinning at the table, and he is grinning to himto cheat you," replied the man of bread, not relishing-such don't you know he got a love letter this morning."
." "Poh,” replied the old woinan, an insinuation; "I know the loaves were weighed--every soul of them and one weighs just as much as t'other, by gracious-and more too, I dare say,
if the truth was REPLY COURTINGLY.-Mr. H-, of the town of —, in known!"
his young days attended school with two young ladies, by
the name of Mary Ann and Patience. One day H. was MARCH OF INTELLECT.-What was the subject of Mr. A's. much puzzled in performing his sums. He went frequentJast lecture, said a young man to a gentleman who profes- ly to the master for assistance, until the master, disliking sed to be much attached to lectures, and had generally
at the frequent interruptions, said to him sternly, "You rnust tended all the lectures on Natural Philosophy for a number have patience." "Why not Mary Ann?" was the instant of winters. It was a specific gravity,"
and a very interest- reply of H-. He took Mary Ann, but has since taken unto ing lecture it was too. Specific gravity-I do not exactly himself Patience also, whether in conformity with the orunderstand what that is, said the inquirer; what is it?
der of the schoolmaster, we pretend not to say. Why it is difficult to describe; but it is a round piece of silver or tin, a little larger than a dollar, and having a hole A certain eminent leading counsel is celebrated at the through it. Mr. A. had one in his hand, and described it bar for the following mode of examining a witness: "Now very accurately. It is a very ingenious invention and pray listen to the question I am going to ask you. Be at. every mechanic ought to understand how to use it. tentive, remember, you will answer as you please, and
remember, I don't care a rush what you answer," &c. &c. AN EwAgIVE ANSWER.--"Well, Mr. M.," asked an ac- The learned lord now on the woolsack, somewhat wenry quaintance of a celebrated horse-dealer, who was leaving of the monotony of his perorations, one day accosted him Long Pole Wellesley the other day," have you been paid in the street:
Ha! is it you, c-Now pray listen to your bill.?" "No," replied the hero of the manger, “I al- the question I am going to ask you. Be attentive. Reways gets an ewasive answer, when I axes for it." What member you will answer as you please, and remember I was his excuse to-day?" asked the inquirer.“ Vy, he said don't care a rush what you answer. How are you?” he'd see me hung first," replied M.-Lon. paper.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT.-A miller of
Ahad his neighbor NINE POINTS IN THE LAW.—"To him that goes to law, arrested, under the charge of stealing wheat from his mill. nine things are requisite :-- In the first place, a good deal But being unable to substantiate the charge by proof, the of money-secondly, a good deal of patience-thirdly, a
court adjudged that the miller should make acknowledg. Rood cause--fourthly, a good Attorney-fifthly, a good ment to the accused. "Well," says he "I have had you Council-sixthly, good evidence--seventhly, a good Jury arrested for stealing my wheat - I can't prove it—and am --eighthly, a good Judge--and ninthly, good luck."
The following letter from an Irish soldier on duty at the This world is becoming so refined and polished, that one Tower, London, was written to the warden :--"My wife one can scarce stay in it, without slipping: We overheard is very ill, prays your honor's worship to let me sleep out a gentleman of colour a few days ago, inform another sa- at night, promising most faithfully never to go out till after ble exquisite, that he had unfortunately ruptured his 'ex- the gates are locked up at night, and always to come in bepressibles, but that fortin smiling, they would be mended fore they are open in the morning; for which your peristraight off.”-Mer. Adv.
tioner shall ever pray,"
sorry for it!"
WIT AND SENTINENT.
239 The following anecdote is related in the London ANECDOTE OF BLACKBEARD.-About a century ago, New Monthly Magazine for last month:
this dauntless pirate reigned master of the whole coast "In that inglorious attack on Buenos Ayres where of North-America. Al the rivers, from Georgia to our brave soldiers were disgraced by a recreant gen. New Hampshire, were his own. He amassed great eral, the negroes, slaves as they were, joined the in- treasures, and buried them for safety underground, as habitants to expel their invaders. On this signal oc- some of the people say: and many nocturnal spectators casion, the city decreed a public expression of their sweat themselves in quest of them to this day, though gratitude to the negroes, in a sort of triumph, and at to little purpose. Poor Black beard, imagining himself the same time awarded the freedom of eighty of their in perfect safety, ventured once to send most of his leaders. One of them having shown his claims to the crew ashore, to gather provisions on the banks of Po. boon, declaring that to obtain his freedom had all his tomac river. Unluckily for him, his evil star presided days formed the proud object of his wishes, his claim at that moment.—A British ship of war arrived. The was indisputable; yet, now, however, to the amaze. Commander, informed of matters, sends his lieutenant ment of the judges, he refused his proffered freedom! up the river after him, in a well manned barge. They The reason he alleged was a singular refinement of approach warily; with the hope of surprising him. heartfelt sensibility: -My kind mistress,' said the ne-Their hopes succeed - They board him sword and pisgro, 'once wealthy, has fallen into misfortunes in her tol in hand-find but few on the deck-all their own. infirm old age. I work to maintain her, and at inter. But the lieutenant, a brave Scotsman, well acquainted vals of leisure she leans on my arm to take the even with his Andra Ferrara, wished to give Blackbeard a ing air. I will not be tempted to abandon her, and 1 chance for his life, and generously challenged him out renounce the hope of freedom that she may know to a single combat. The old man stood ready on the she possesses a slave who will never quit hor side.'” quarter deck., They engaged, and for some time the
contest was doubtful; but at length the good genius
and better address of the lieutenant prevailing, poor A POPULAR PREACHER.–A short time ago one of Blackbeard received a severe stroke on the shoulder the self-elected class of Divines, who are not in com. --hah, cried he, that's well struck, brother soldiermon excessively College-bred, was holding forth to "Weell, cried the lieutenant, gin ye like it, yo sal ha his congregation upon a subject well calculated to more on'," and the very next stroke severed his black arouse the attention of incorrigible hearts. After head trom his shoulders, and instantly putting it into blazing away with his subject, until he had rendered a boiling pot of water, ordered his men to clean it Pandemonium as hoi as Vesuvius, and as black as perfectly; and when done, had it tipt with silver, and Milton's Satan, he rounded a sublime peroration presented to a friend, the keeper of a public house, as with the following sentencs-“Now hearken ye sini la cup to drink punch out of. ners! I tell ye that ye'll all go to ha-1, as sure as I'll catch that fly on the Bible;" at the same time making NEWSPAPERS.— I never derive more benefit, or see a determined swoop with his palm across the sacred page, to capture the talismanic insect. He then pro. reading a newspaper which has lately issued from the
more pleasure for the time, says Dr. Johnson, than ceeded to open his clenched fist, finger by finger, un. press." i do really believe that nothing adds so much till the last digit was relaxed, but behold the poor fly to the glory of my country as newspapers. Liberty had eluded his grasp. Looking surprised and disap: is stamped legibly upon its pages, and even the fold ía pointed for a few moments, the Minister at length marked with freedom. Do you want to know how exclaimed, “By the hoky, I've miss'd him! there's a your country thrives, I point you to the press! There chance for you yet, ye sinful raggamuffins!"
you shall find a piece, perhaps, under the head of leg.
islative ! Are you fond of miscellany, look there! FEL-MAIL INFLUENCE.—One day a bouncing coun. What book can furnish such good accounts of murder, try lass stepped into a post office in a neighboring robbery, accidents, marriages, anecdotes, and many town, and inquired if there was a letter for her. The other such things. Such good, as well as bad ac. P. M. overhauled his stock and produced one bearing counts
from the Russians, Turke, Dutch, &c. Under said she, why I got a good deal bigger one t'other freedom, that will not attend to an object so worthy day for four-pence; can't you take less?" 'O, no
of his regard ? ma'am,' said ihe man of letters, that's Uncle Sam's price, and we cannot vary from it in the least.' Well,
Some years since, a Scots regiment happened to bo where is your uncle ?' said the other, I wish you'd
be in Nottingham, a general muster was one day ordered, good enough to call him. I don't believe but what when each man was to produce the whole of his kit, he'd take three cents for sich a leetle mite as that are or in other words, the whole of his necessaries, includ. is !"-Dedham Ado.
ing brushes, &c. It was found that one man had die.
posed of several articles, and upon being questioned THE LATE KING FERDINAND, of Naples, was a wit, in " they were my own." "Own, mon!" vociferated an
for his reason for so doing, “Sir," said the soldier, in his way, and said many droll things. After his last old Scots officer, "ye've nought o' yer own; yer return from Sicily, when Joachim Murat had been clothes are yer kintry's; yer body's the King's, and driven out of the kingdom of Naples by the Austrians, yer soul's the de'il's; mon, ye've nought o' yer own!" General Nugent, the Minister of War, waited on Fer. dinand one day, with some cuirasses as specimens of
A wag happening to go into the shop of a tailor just as ibe ammor with which the General thought of furnish the latter was in the act of patching an old garment with ing one of the regiments of the new Neapolitan army new cloth, thus addressed the knight of the bodkin: “You, he was then organizing. The King approved of the sir, are no man and I can prove it by the highest authority.** specimens, but asked, smiling, what part
of the sol- "How so." replied the unsuspecting tailor, as he plied his dier's bodies they were meant to cover. The General needle with redoubled activity, "I should like to hear the replied, of course the breast. Then they are no use dated, sir,"
says the wag, asking him at the same moment,
"You shall be accommosoldiers are not likely to expose their fronts-no, no! New Testament which declares that "no man putteth a General! reverse them! put them behind ; put them be- piece of new cloth into an old garment.” The tailor hind!" And then he roared with laughter at his own laughed heartily at the jest, and insisted upon quaffing a witticism, and the notorious cowardice of his troops. pint of Old Sicily with the wag, at his own expense.
THREE WEEKS AFTER MARRIAGE.
From the Cincinnati Chronicle.
Who made this moving piece of clay
As bright, and beautiful, and gay,
As though life were one holiday?
Whose magic shears, and cloth, and tape,
Give to my ugly neck a nape,
And brought my bow-legs into shape?
Who all deformity effaced,
And beautified, and stuffed, and laced,
And stamped Adonis on my waist?
Who made the coat, the pantaloon,
That in the gay and bright saloon,
Won me a spouse and honey-moon?
Reverse the picture. Who was it
That taught me wisdom was unfit
A beau, a gentleman, and wit?:
Whose magic shears, and cloth, and tape,
Made me in bearing, form and shape,
The very mockery of an ape?
Who bound me to a worthless wife,
Whose vanity, and spleen, and strife,
Will be the night-mare of my life?
Who passes me with threatening looks?
Who's got me deepest in his books?
Who'll nab me yet? Why, Mr. Snooks,
At ten a child, at twenty wild,
At thirty tame, if ever;
At forty wise, at fifty rich,
At sixty good, or never.
Whatever doubt about the proper place
Of other features in our heads may enter,
None can deny the middle of the face-
Belongeth to the nose for that's the scenter,
The word explains itself, without the Muse,
And the letters speak, from whence comes neros,
From North, East, West, South, the solution's made,
Each quarter give accounts of war and trade.
As in smooth oil, the razor best is whet,
So wit, is by politeness, sharpest set;
Their want of edge from their offence is seen,
Both pain us least, when exquisitely keen.
PRETTY BUSINESS FOR ZEPHYR.
He steals a kiss from my sweet Miss, 0! when I was a bachelor,
Before she can forbid it!
She sighs to find it was the wind,
And not her lover did it!
Chimney sweepers always persecute witches and for.
tune-tellers, because they like to have a brush at the black Were I to walk six miles an hour, My wife might think it rude.
A very tall Gentleman asked a smart servant, "how far Yet, after all I must confoss,
is it from here to yonder ?" About three lengths of a This easy sort of way
Fool," said he “suppose you measure it!" Of getting o'er life's jolting road,
Bonnets worn at a theatre, when they intercept the view Is what I can't gainsay;
of the stage, give much offence to those that are prevenI might have been a bachelor
ted by them from seeing, and who often declare such bon. Until my dying day,
nets should be cap-sized. Which would have been to err at least
An hypochondriac will sometimes conjure up to his As far the other way.
imagination the most frightful forms. To indulge such a
melancholy propensity, may be said, in one sense, to raise The first dandy of the present day was lately accosted the spirits. by a beggar with “ God bless your honor, pray give me A Nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician one cent." "I never saw a centI have heard of the he suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly coin."
answered, "what, already."