WIT AND SENTIMENT. EPIGRAM On the Marriage of a Lady of sixty-three years of age to a Gentleman of eighteen years. Hard is the fate of every childless wife, The late R. B. Sheridan, being once on a parliamen. tary committee, happened to enter the room when most of the members were present and seated, though business had not yet commenced; when, perceiving that there was not another seat in the room, he with his usual readiness said, "Will any gentleman move that I may take the chair?" CURIOSITY.-The most extraordinary instance of wit. ty impudence and blind curiosity which I have ever heard of, occurred at Cirencester, in the province of Gloucestershire, where a man showed, for a penny a piece, the fork which belonged to the knife with which Margaret Nicholson attempted to kill George III.-Letters on England. A very reprehensible practise prevails in our country which all good men should discountenance, as far as they may have the opportunity. We allude to the introduction of texts, or parts of texts, from the Scriptures, as toasts, at political and other public dinners and festivals. This use of passages of the Bible is always irreverent, very often marked with impiety, and not unfrequently with blasphemy. We hope it proceeds from thoughtlessness, rather than from a disposition to jest with sacred things. SCIENCE OF THE FORK.-D'Archenoltz asserts that an Englishman may be discovered any where, if he be observed at a table, because he places his fork on the left side of his plate; a Frenchman, by using the fork alone without the knife; a German, by planting it perpendicularly into his plate; and a Russian, by using it as a tooth-pick. LOVE AND POETRY.-Should there be in this enlightened age any incredulous person, who still denies that love is productive of poetry, and that of the sweetest kind, let him read and ponder upon the following tribute of a Dumfries lover, to the charms of his fair one: "Oh! honey it is very sweet, But sugar it is sweeter, And my love as far excels, As sugar does saltpetre. A butler of the late Sir Walter Scott quarrelled with the cook, and, having rather unceremoniously accompanied his argument with a few cuffs, he was reprimanded by Sir Walter, and sent down stairs with the following advice :-"Recollect, in future, when you wish to convince a woman, do it by fleeching, for you will never be able to do it by fighting; women may be led, but they will not be driven." LONDON DESCRIBED BY AN INDIAN CHIEF.-The Rev. P. Jones, the Indian Chief, thus writes to the editor of the Canadian Guardian:-"London is a great city and is full of people. I wonder how they all get their living; for they are as thick as musquetoes, and almost run over one another. Here you may see the rich man who has every thing that he wants, and here you see the poor man who knows not where he may get his next meal." Handsome women, when intoxicated by the fame of adulation, often render themselves ridiculous by a thousand indiscretions, even in the eyes of their admirers. He who imagines that he can do without the world, is much deceived-but he who fancies that the world cannot do without him, is still more deceived. CELIBACY-Is a miserable lot. It is a branchless tree growing up but to decay, without a limb to shelter its trunk from the storms of existence. Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards. Fine sense and exalted sense are not half so useful as common sense. There are forty men of wit to one man of sense: and he that will carry nothing about him but gold, will be every day at loss for want of ready change.-Pope. REPROOF.-If any shall wilfully offer thee an injury, let him know thou canst see it: but withal, let him know thou canst scorn it too; unless it be of such a nature that the bearing of it is an offence and mischief to another. RIGHTS OF WOMAN.-A woman offering to sign a deed, the judge asked her whether her husband compelled her to sign? "He compel me!" said the lady, "no, nor twenty like him!" between a dun and a bottle of claret in a poet's A JUST DISTINCTION.-The great distinction garret is, that the former drives the man out of his wits, while the latter drives the wits out of the man. During the canvass of a Mr. Garnett among the electors of Jalford, (Eng.) he and his friends called at a huckster's shop, in which was only a boy, who, having learned their business, went to the foot of the stairs, and called to his mother, who was above, "Mother, here's a mon as wants yo't vote for him t' be a Parliament mon.”"Well," shouted his mother, "tell him thy feyther's not in, but if he'll chalk his name on the counter, we'll inquire into his character." other day run butt up against the gable end of a THE UTILITY OF A LONG NOSE--A fellow the house in Pine street, and broke his nose. "What a fortunate thing it is to be well secured against accidents," he exclaimed, at the same time clapping his hand on his mortified protuberance, (which by the way, was a roarer) "for if it was'nt for the length of my nose here, I might have ruined my face for ever." PATIENT COURTSHIP.-I knew a man that went courting his sweetheart the distance of three miles every evening for fourteen years, besides dogging her home after church on Sunday afternoons; making above 15,000 miles. For the first seven years he only stood and courted in the door porch; but for the remaining period he ventured (what a liberty after a septennial attachment!) to hang his hat on a pin in the passage and sit on the kitchen settee. The wedding, a consummation devoutly to be wished, was solemnized when Robert and Hannah were in their sear and yellow leaf. VERY LIKE.-What letter is that? vociferated ABSENCE OF MIND.-A well known gentleman an impatient pedagogue to a pupil who had not of Magdalen College, Cambridge, had taken his yet become versed in the mysteries of the Roman watch from his pocket to mark the time he inAlphabet, pointing to the letter X. The urchin tended to boil an egg for his breakfast, when a scratched his head in a decided quandary, look- friend entering the room found him absorbed in ing intently on the diagram, unable to call it by some abstruse calculation, with the egg in his name, and fearing the weapon of him "clothed hand, upon which he was intently looking, and in a little brief authority," should he give an im- the watch supplying the place in the saucepan proper designation. Come, sir, what is it? speak of boiling water. quick! again demanded the pedagogue. I b'lieve, whimpered the boy, in a tone of terror, I b'lieve it's a saw-horse, only you can't see both sides.-ger of the Lyceum Theatre for an engagement. Lynn Messenger. 66 A candidate for the stage applied to the manaAfter he had exhibited specimens of his various talents, the following dialogue took place beACCOMMODATION NOTES.-Uncle Ohadiah, tween them," Sir, you stutter!" "So does said a graceless young merchant, who had about Mrs. Inchbald." "You are lame of one leg!" consumed his patrimony, to a shrewd old Quaker So was Foote." "But you are thick-legged!" relative, I can have a thousand dollars at the" So is Jack Johnson." "You have an ugly bank, which I want to use a few days, till I col- face!" "So has Liston." "You are very short!" lect some of my heavy outstandings, and I will "So was Garrick." "You squint abominathank you just to put your name on the back of bly!" "So did Lewis." "You are a monotothis note. Why, Nathan, what does thee want nous mannerist!" "So is Kemble." "You are my name on the back of the note for? Oh, only but a miserable copy of Kemble." "So is Bara mere matter of form; the bank always re- rymore." "You have a perpetual whine!" "So quires two names, it will make no difference or has Pope." "In comedy you are a mere buftrouble to you; 1 shall take it up when due. But, foon!""So is Munden." "But you have all Nathan, will they not ask me to pay the thousand these defects combined!" "So much the more dollars, if thee don't pay it? Why, Oh, Ah, why singular." yes, if I don't. Well, Nathan, I think I had better not put it on, for if thee don't pay it, I am sure I don't want to!-Portland Courier. The following anecdote of Dr. Halley is too interesting to be omitted:-Queen Caroline, on visiting the Observatory at Greenwich, was so much pleased, that on learning, to her astonishment, that the doctor's salary for the arduous and important duties of Astronomer Royal amounted to no more than one hundred guineas per annum, she declared her intention to request the King to increase it. The Doctor, however, entreated her to avoid doing so, lest the pecuniary reward might become an object of cupidity; in which case a man of influence and no philosopher would inevitably obtain the appointment.-Library of Fine Arts. ANTICIPATING QUESTIONS.-An industrious mechanic, having undertaken to repair the front of a store in a busy part of our village, and having become impatient with the frequent inquiries of the curious-not to say inquisitive-to save time and trouble, reduced the following answers to the most common interrogatories to writing, and placed the same in a conspicuous place. "My name is Cross. I am cutting this window larger, and I am going to make the other like it-same size. I am doing it for pay-what do you think?" Suffice it to say, it had the desired effect, with such as could read and understand "plain English." THE CORK LEG.-A gentleman in Charleston conceived a very great liking to a young lady GARRICK AND GEORGE THE THIRD.-When from Ireland, and was on the eve of popping the Garrick played Richard for the first time before question, when he was told by a friend that his the King, he inquired eagerly the next day whe-dulcinea had got a cork leg. It is difficult to ther any observations were made on his performance: "Why, yes," replied the gentleman of whom the inquiry was made, “his Majesty expressed astonishment that a man of your age could move his legs so rapidly; all that he said was, Charlotte, Charlotte, see how quickly the little man moves his legs!" THE LATEST PUN.-Ina Debating Society at West Point a short time since, the subject of the evening happened to be some question on the Law of Nations. A great many learned speeches were made, when one of the Cadets rose in his turn to speak. He placed before him a large open volume, and thrusting his hand into his pocket, he solemnly drew forth a potatoe, and placing it on a book, said-"Gentlemen, here is Vattel on the Law of Nations, and here is a common-tater (commentator) on it. He won a laugh, and achieved a victory.-N. Y. Citizen imagine the distress of the young Carolinian: he was over head and ears in love with her, and would rather have parted with a dozen of the best negroes on his plantation, than give her up. He went to her father's house, knocked impatiently at the door, and when admitted to his fair one's presence, asked her if what he had heard respecting her was true. "Yes, indeed, my dear sír, it is true enough; but you have heard only the half of my misfortune; I have got two cork legs; having had the ill luck to be born in Cork." This is the incident on which is founded Hart's afterpiece called Perfection. Dick, said a master to his servant, have you fed the pigs. Yes, Massa, me fed um. Did you count them, Dick? Yes, me count um all but one.' All but one? Yes, Massa, all but onedare be one little speckled pig he frisk about so much me couldn't count him. THE GOOD OLD TIMES. I wish the fashions were the same As thirty years ago, I can't imagine what can make When I was in my youth, I made And in those days our breeches were And silver buckles would ensure Our beavers were of comely shape, Oh how I wish those broad brimmed hats, I'm troubled with a half yard The dandies of the present day, Have guard chains all of gold, He owned a large and thrifty farm The dollar coins on hand. I guess some dashy friends of mine, To pay for coats they're wearing now, But as for me, I wish I had I'd recollect my father's ways, One Sunday eve when all was still, To meet his sweet-heart with a smile. Such slights as these would not endure. And thus the evening past away, Jack said few words, but she said none; Jack's temper rose and he rose too, And left his sweet-heart all alone. As on his horse Jack sat upright, Says she to him," my dear, good bye: I'll be at home next Sunday night," Will you, says Jack, "snd so will I." The Friend of Humanity, and the Knife Grinder. FRIEND OF HUMANITY. "Needy knife grinder! whither are you going? Weary knife grinder! little think the proud ones, Tell me, knife grinder, how came you to grind knives? Was it the 'Squire, for killing of his game? or (Have you read the Rights of man by Tom Paine?) KNIFE GRINDER. "Story? God bless you! I have none to tell, sir, Constables came up to for to take me into I should be glad to drink your Honor's health in FRIEND OF HUMANITY. "I give thee sixpence! I will see thee damned first; Wretch! whom no sense of wrongs can rouse to vengeance, Sordid, unfeeling, reprobate, degraded. [Kicks the Knife-grinder, overturns his wheel, and exit in a transport of Jacobinical Enthusiasm and Universal Philanthropy.] Esquire Gable's Marriage Ceremony. To hab dish voman for your vife, To feed her well mit sour crout, Yes. And you voman stanting dare Dat you vill ped and poard mit him; Vell, den, I now, vidin dese valls, Pefore mine vife, Got, Kate and Poll, Ant, as de sacret scripture say, Vot Got unites togedder Let no man dare asunder put, Let no man dare tem sever. |