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knew, as I was shut up in unbelief, I should ruil worse into sin than ever I did.
One night I had such an awful view of the terrible majesty of God, that I felt as though I were lifted up in the bed, my head seemed swelled as big as a large corn measure, and I expected 10 be crushed every moment like a moth; at times I have felt as though my head was fastened down to the pillow. 0! what an awful distance there is betwixt a holy God and fallen sinners before they are brought nigh by the precious blood of Christ! My friends advised me to come once more to see if I could have an opportunity of speaking to you; but I objected, saying you could be of no use to me, for I was given up to despair ; at this time I could not pray, and for many days dared not approach God even upon my knees; if at any time I lisped out a petition, it was when my
head was smothered up in the bed-clothes, and then I expected, as soon as it was out of my mouth, that the sword of justice would cut me down. After much persuasion I came to your house, but Mrs. Huntington told me I could not see you, nor indeed did I wish to see you; however I plucked up my courage, and asked her, whether the reason you would not see me the last time I came, was that
you had no hope of me? She seemed to be in a great agitation, and faintly answered, No: but I thought she said so lest she should distress
I asked further, Whether she ever knew one who had no hope, and who could not pray,
ever be delivered? She replied, It was a sad state; but told me I must look to the Lord, for there was no help to be had any where else. And, indeed, I could only look, sigh, and groan, I could not pray nor cry; my heart was so hard I could not shed a tear if it would have saved my soul. . As I thought you had no hope of me, when I was at chapel I was forced to get where you could not see me, fearing you would call out to me, and tell me I had no business there, for I was a reprobate. Soon after this I thought I was scized with death, and began to talk to my sister about the state of her soul, telling her to see that she made her calling and election sure, to examine herself whether she was in the faith, &c. I told her I expected to be gone in a short time; that I was a son of perdition, a vessel of wrath fitted for destruction, and that I must go to my own place, whereunto I was appointed; I told her she would remember me as long as she lived, and no doubt it would give great distress to her, but wished her to be resigned to the will of God; saying, “He doth according to his own will in the armies of heaven, and amongst the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand," &c. &c. I took my leave of her, telling her she would see me no more, but I would run to my brother's, who lived in the next street, thinking to die there. I began to talk to him after the same manner, expecting every minute to be my last; which made him cry mightily to God, in this time of trouble, for me. I had not been there long before I grew better. This being Wednesday evening I went to chapel, but to no purpose, my thoughts were swallowed up with the fears of death and hell; for every time I went to chapel I heard nothing but my condemnation over and over again; and thinking it was great presumption in me to dare to go, expecting to die while I was there, I resolved many times never to go again; and indeed I was quite weary of my life, and wished I could end in annihilation.
One night I went into the city, but durst not go into the meeting; I often used to walk round about
your chapel a long time before I could venture to go in, and often thought I would not have gone, had it not been for hurting the minds of my friends. At length, having no hope of being saved, I began to contrive which would be the best way to save my life. Satan's advice was to leave off hearing, and I should soon get better and stronger, and, when I could earn money enough to maintain myself, then to leave all my professing friends, and go into the country: so I strove to put all thoughts of futurity far from me; and, as I could not beat off the hopes my friends had of me, by telling them I knew I was given up to a fearful looking for of judgment, I began to laugh and jeer at them, and would laugh and talk about any thing but the state of my
soul. Surely it is of the Lord's mercy I am not consumed. I had not been long in this desperate
state before a man that was ill in the house died : this roused my stubborn soul, the fears of death seized me afresh and the wrath of God seemed more hot than ever against me; Satan turned accuser, and I was as it were hanging over the belly of hell, and yet I had something that caught hold of the godhead of my Saviour: and indeed this was all I had to hold me up; my load of guilt was so great, and my iniquities were so infinite, that had I not believed in the godhead of Christ, I must have sunk to all eternity.
Although at this time my heavenly Father chastened me sore with the terrors of his righteous law, yet the blessed Spirit often helped my infirmities at a throne of grace, and at this time in such a manner as he had not done for some months be.. fore; and now, all on a sudden, hope began to spring up, and I had a strong faith in the immutability of God, and in the promises of the gospel; and, in a few weeks, I had light given me to see that it was God's work on my soul; and when you was describing his work from these words, “ Behold
ye, and wonder: for I will work a work in your days,” &c. among the heathen: I could see, as you went on, the way that God had brought me; though at other times I got into the dark again, and feared I should be lost after all; and thus, up and down, I went on till the 14th of February last, which was pigh four months after I was raised to hope; a day much to be remembered. It was on the sabbathday morning, and a sabbath it was to my soul. I awoke out of sleep about six o'clock, and think, ing of the dubious state I was in, not seeing clearly my interest in Christ, I was led out in prayer
to God, after the following manner. ! Oh! thou almighty and eternal God, who didst condescend to take on thee my nature, in order to redeem lost, perishing sinners! I pray thee that thou wouldest be pleased to make known thy salvation to my soul; that I may be satisfied with thy mercy; that the tongue of the dumb may sing for joy; and that this may be a sabbath of rest to my soul,' &c. I had not been at prayer long before these words came powerfully into my mind, The set time to favour Zion is fully come. I wist not that the vision was so nigh; but I had such longing desires after Christ, which nothing but Christ's coming himself could satisfy, and I began to pray with such fervour and faith, that I told the Lord I knew he would answer me; my heart began to melt, the tears ran down my face like rain, and I had such a view of Christ crucified for me, that my heart felt as though it would burst with grief. I kept crying out, What! didst thou die for me? Didst thou bleed for me? Oh! make me love thee! Make me honour thee! Never let me, never let me, sin against thee again, &c. The sight of my dying Saviour made me weep so loud, as to wake two people out of their sleep who were in the next room. When I had been weeping over and blessing my dear Saviour about five minutes, I was filled with such amazing love, joy, and peace, in believing, which made me break out into sing.