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The ablest orator, to save a word,

Had crackt his scull, to find out proper places Would throw all sense and reason overboard. To lay up all memoirs of things in cases ;

Hence 'tis that nothing else but eloquence And practis'd all the tricks upon the charts, Is ty'd to such a prodigal expense;

To play with packs of sciences and arts, That lays out half the wit and sense it uses That serve t' improve a feeble gamester's study, l'pon the other half's, as vain excuses :

That ventures at grammatic beast, or noddy; For all defences and apologies

Had read out all the catalogues of wares, Are but specifics t'other frauds and lies;

That come in dry vats o'er from Frankfort fairs, And th' artificial wash of eloquence

Whose authors use t articulate their surnames Is daub'd in vain upon the clearest sense,

With scraps of Greek more learned than theGermans; Only to stain the native ingenuity

Was wont to scatter books in every room, Of equal brevity and perspicuity;

Where they might best be seen by all that come, Whilst all the best and soberest things he does, And lay a train that naturally should force Are when he coughs, or spits, or blows, his nose; What he design'd, as if it fell of course; Handles no point so evident and clear

And all this with a worse success than Cardan, (Besides his white gloves) as his handkercher ; Who bought both books and learning at a bargain, Unfolds the nicest scruple so distinct,

When, lighting on a philosophic spell, As if his talent had been wrapt up in 't

Of which he never knew one syllable, Unthriftily, and now he went about

Presto, be gone, h' unriddled all he read, Henceforward to improve and put it out.

As if he had to nothing else been bred.

UPON

A PINDARIC ODE.

The pedants are a mongrel breed, that sojourn
Among the ancient writers and the modern;
And, while their studies are between the one AN HYPOCRITICAL NONCONFORMIST.
And th' other spent, have nothing of their own;
Like spunges, are both plants and animals,
And equally to both their natures false :

There's nothing so absurd, or vaid,
For, whether 'tis their want of conversation, Or barbarous, or inhumane,
Inclines them to all sorts of affectation;

But, if it lay the least pretence
Their sedentary life and melancholy,

To piety and godliness, The everlasting nursery of folly;

Or tender-hearted conscience,
Their poring upon black and white too subtly And zeal for gospel-truths profess,
Ilas turn'd the insides of their brains to motley; Does sacred instantly commence;
Or squandering of their wits and time upon And all that dare but question it, are straight
Too many things, has made them fit for none; Pronounc'd the uncircumcis'd and reprobate:
Their constant overstraining of the mind

As malefactors, that escape and fly
Distorts the brain, as horses break their wind; Into a sanctuary for defence,
Or rude confusions of the things they read Must not be brought to justice thence,
Get up, like noxious vapours, in the head,

Although their crimes be ne'er so great and high;
Until they have their constant wanes, and fulls, And he that dares presame to do 't,
And changes, in the insides of their sculls; Is sentenc'd and deliver'd up
Or venturing beyond the reach of wit

To Satan, that engag'd him to 't,
Has render'd them for all things else unfit ; For venturing wickedly to put a stop
But never bring the world and books together, To his immunities and free affairs,
And therefore never rightly judge of either; Or meddle saucily with theirs
Whence multitudes of reverend men and critics That are employ'd hy him, while he and they
Have got a kind of intellectual rickets,

Proceed in a religious and a holy way.
And, by th' immoderate excess of study,
Have found the sickly head toutgrow the body. And, as the Pagans heretofore
For pedantry is but a corn or wart,

Did their own handyworks adore,
Bred in the skin of Judgment, Sense, and Art, And made their stone and timber deities,
A stupify'd excrescence, like a wen,

Their temples and their altars, of one piece;
Fed by the peccant humours of learn'd men, The same outgoings seem t inspire
That never grows from natural defects

Our modern self-will’d Edifier, Of downright and untutord intellects,

That, out of things as far from sense, and more, But from the over-curious and vain

Contrives new light and revelation,
Distempers of an artificial brain

The creatures of th' imagination,
So he, that once stood for the learned'st man, To worship and fall down before;
Had read out Little Britain and Duck-lane; Of which his crack'd delusions draw
Worn out his reason, and reduc'd his body

As monstrous images and rude,
And brain to nothing with perpetual study; As ever Pagan, to believe in, hew'd,
Kept tutors of all sorts, and virtuosis,

Or madman in a vision saw;
To read all authors to him with their glosses, Mistakes the feeble impotence,
And made his lacquies, when he walk'd, bear folios And vain delusions of his mind,
Of dictionaries, lexicons, and scholias,

For spiritual gifts and offerings,
To be read to him every way the wind

Which Heaven to present him brings; Should chance to sit, before him or behind;. And still, the further 'tis from sense, Had read out all th' imaginary duels

Believes it is the more refin'd, That bad been fought by consonants and vowels; And ought to be receiv'd with greater reverencs

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But, as all tricks, whose principles

Nor left at large, nor be restrain'd, Are false, prove false in all things else,

But where there 's something to be gain'd; The dull and heavy hypocrite

And, that being once revcald, defies Is but in pension with bis conscience,

The law, with all its penalties, That pays him for maintaining it

And is convinc'd no pale With zealous rage and impudence;

O'th' church can be so sacred as a jail : And, as the one grows obstinate,

For, as the Indians' prisons are their mines, So does the other rich and fat;

So he has found are all restraints Disposes of his gifts and dispensations,

To thriving and free-conscienc'd saints; Like spiritual foundations

For the same thing enriches that confines;
Endow'd to pious uses, and design'd

And like to Lully, when he was in bold,
To entertain the weak, the lame, and blind; He turns his baser metals into gold;
But still diveris them to as bad, or worse,

Receives returning and retiring fees
Than others are by unjust governors :

For holding forth, and holding of bis peace; For, like our modern publicans,

And takes a pension to be advocate He still puts out all dues

And standing counsel 'gainst the church and state He owes to Heaven to the Devil to use,

For gall’d and tender consciences; And makes his godly interest great gains ;

Commits himself to prison to trepan, Takes all the brethren (to recruit

Draw in, and spirit all he can; The spirit in him) contribute,

For birds in cages have a call, And, to repair and edify his spent

To draw the wildest into nets, And broken-winded outward man, present

More prevalent and natural For painfut holding-forth against the government. Than all our artificial pipes and counterfeits. The subtle spider never spins,

His slippery conscience has more tricks But on dark days, his slimy gins;

Than all the juggling empirics, Nor does our engineer much care to plant

And every one another contradicts; His spiritual machines,

All laws of Heaven and Earth can break, Unless among the weak and ignorant,

And swallow oaths, and blood, and rapine easy, Th' inconstant, credulous, and light,

And yet is so infirm and weak, The vain, the factious, and the slight,

'Twill not endure the gentlest check, That in their zeal are most extravagant ;

But at the slightest nicety grows queasy ;
For tmouts are tickled best in muddy water : Disdains control, and yet can be
And still the muddier he finds their brains,

No where, but in a prison, free;
The more he's sought and follow'd after,

Can force itself, in spite of God, And greater ministrations gains:

Who makes it free as thought at home, For talking idly is admir'd,

Å slave and villain to become, And speaking nonsense hel1 inspird;

To serve its interests abroad: And still, the flatter and more dull

And, though no Pharisee was e'er so cunning His gifts appear, is held more powerful :

At tithing mint and cummin, For blocks are better cleft with wedges,

No dull idolater was e'er so flat Than tools of sharp and subtle edges;

In things of deep and solid weight,
And dallest nonsense has been found,

Pretends to charity and holiness,
By some, to be the solid'st and the most profound. But is implacable to peace,
A great apostle once was said

And out of tenderness grows obstinate.
With too much learning to be mad;

And, though the zeal of God's house ate a prince But our great saint becomes distract,

And prophet up (he says) long since, And only with too little crackt;

His cross-grain'd peremptory zeal Cries moral truths and human learning down,

Would eat up God's house, and devour it at a And will endure no reason but his own:

meal. For 'tis a drudgery and task, Not for a saint, but pagan oracle,

He does not pray, but prosecute, To answer all men can object or ask;

As if he went to law, his suit; Bat to be found impregnable,

Summons his Maker to appear And with a sturdy forehead to hold out,

And answer what he shall prefer; In spite of shame or reason resolute,

Returns him back his gift of prayer, Is brayer than to argie and confute;

Not to petition, but declare ; As he that can draw blood, they say,

Exhibits cross complaints From witches, takes their magic power away,

Against him for the breach of covenants, So he that draws blood int' a brother's face,

And all the charters of the saints; Takes all his gifts away, and light, and grace:

Pleads guilty to the action, and yet stands Por, while he holds that nothing is so damn'd

L'pon high terms and bold demands; And shameful as to be asham'd,

Excepts against him and his laws, He never can b' attack'd,

And will be judge himself in his own cause; Bat will come off; for Confidence, well back'd,

And grows more saucy and severe
Among the weak and prepossess'd,

Than th' heathen emperor was to Jupiter,
Has often Truth, with all her kingly power, oppress’d. And sometimes would speak softly in his ear

That us'd to wrangle with hiin and dispute,
It is the nature of late zeal,

And sometimes loud, and rant, and tear, Twill not be subject, nor rebel,

And threaten, if he did not grant his suits

A PINDARIC ODE.

But when his painful gifts h' employs

And though, in worshipping of God, all blood In holding-forth, the virtue lies

Was by his own laws disallow'd, Not in the letter of the sense,

Both hold no holy rites to be so good, But in the spiritual vehemence,

And both, to propagate the breed The power and dispensation of the voice,

Of their own saints, one way proceed; The zealous pangs and agonies,

For lust and rapes in war repair as fast, And heavenly turnings of the eyes;

As fury and destruction waste: The groans, with which he piously destroys Both equally allow all crimes, And drowns the nonsense in the noise;

As lawful means to propagate a sect; And grows so loud, as if he meant to force

For laws in war can be of no effect, And take-in Heaven by violence;

And licence does more good in gospel times. To fright the saints into salvation,

Hence 'tis that holy wars have ever been Or scare the Devil from temptation ;

The horrid'st scenes of blood and sin; Until he falls so low and hoarse,

For, when Religion does recede No kind of carnal sense

From her own nature, nothing but a breed Can be made out of what he means :

Of prodigies and hideous monsters can succeed. But as the ancient Pagans were precise To use no short-tail'd beast in sacrifice, He still conforms to them, and has a care T' allow the largest measure to his paltry ware.

UPON MODERN CRITICS. The ancient churches, and the best, By their own martyrs' blood increas'd; But he has found out a new way,

'Tis well that equal Heaven has plac'd To do it with the blood of those

Those joys above, that to reward That dare his church's growth oppose,

The just and virtuous are prepard, Or her imperious canons disobey;

Beyond their reach, until their pains are past; And strives to carry on the work,

Else men would rather venture to possess Like a true primitive reforming Turk,

By force, than earn their happiness ; With holy rage and edifying war,

And only take the Devil's advice, More safe and powerful ways by far:

As Adam did, how soonest to be wise, For the Turk's patriarch, Mahomet,

Though at th' expense of Paradise : Was the first great reformer, and the chief

For, as some say, to fight is but a base Of th' ancient Christian belief,

Mechanic handy-work, and far below That mix'd it with new light, and cheat,

A generous spirit to undergo; With revelations, dreams, and visions,

So 'tis to take the pains to know : And apostolic superstitions,

Which some, with only confidence and face, To be held forth, and carry'd on by war;

More easily and ably do; And his successor was a presbyter,

For daring nonsense seldom fails to hit, With greater right than Haly or Abubeker. Like scatter'd shot, and pass with some for wit.

Who would not rather make himself a judge, For, as a Turk, that is to act some crime

And boldly usurp the chair, Against his prophet's holy law,

Than with dull industry and care Is wont to bid his soul withdraw,

Endure to study, think, and drudge, And leave his body for a time;

For that which he much sooner may advance So, when some horrid action 's to be done,

With obstinate and pertinacious ignorance? Our Turkish proselyte puts on Another spirit, and lays by his own;

For all men challenge, though in spite And, when his over-heated brain

Of Nature and their stars, a right Turns giddy, like his brother Mussulman,

To censure, judge, and know, He 's judg’d inspir'd, and all his frenzies held Though she can only order who To be prophetic and reveald.

Shall be, and who shall ne'er be, wise: The one believes all madmen to be saints,

Then why should those, whom she denies Which th' other cries him down for and abhors, Her favour and good graces to, And yet in madness all devotion plants,

Not strive to take opinion by surprise, And where he differs most concurs;

And ravish what it were in vain to woo? Both equally exact and just

For he that desperately assumes In perjury and breach of trust;

The censure of all wits and arts, So like in all things, that one brother

Though without judgment, skill, and parts, Is but a counterpart of th' other;

Only to startle and amuse, And both unanimously damn

And mask his ignorance, (as Indians use And hate (like two that play one game)

With gaudy-colour'd plumes
Each other for it, while they strive to do the same. Their homely nether-parts t'ador)

Can never fail to captive some,
Both equally design to raise

That will submit to his oraculous doom, Their churches by the self-same ways;

And reverence what they ought to scoru; With war and ruin to assert

Admire his sturdy confidence,
Their doctrine, and with fire and sword convert; For solid judgment and deep sense:
To preach the gospel with a drum,

And credit purchas'd without pains or wit, And for convincing overcome:

Like stolen pleasures, ought to be more sweet.

A PINDARIC ODE.

ears.

Two self-admirers, that combine

And whips and spurs himself because he is outgone; Against the world, may pass a fine

Makes idle characters and tales, I Upon all judgment, sense, and wit,

As counterfeit, unlike, and false, And settle it as they think fit

As witches' pictures are, of wax and clay, On one another, like the choice

To those whom they would in effigie slay. Of Persian princes, by one horse's voice:

And, as the Devil, that has no shape of 's own, For those fine pageants which some raise,

Affects to put the ugliest on, Of false and disproportion'd praise,

And leaves a stink bebind him when he's gone, T enable whom they please t' appear

So he that 's worse than nothing strives t' appear And pass for what they never were,

['th' likeness of a wolf or bear, In private only being but nam’d,

To fright the weak; but when men dare Their modesty must be asham'd,

Encounter with him, stinks and vanishes to air.
And not endure to hear,
And yet may be divulg'd and famid,
And own'd in public every where:
So rain some authors are to boast

TO THE HAPPY MEMORY OF
Their want of ingenuity, and club
Their affidavit wits, to dub

THE MOST RENOWNED DU-VAL
Each other but a knight o' the Post,
As false as suborn'd perjurers,
That vouch away all right they have to their own

'Tis true, to compliment the dead

Is as impertinent and vain, Bnt, when all other courses fail,

As 'twas of old to call them back again, There is one easy artifice,

Or, like the Tartars, give them wives, , That seldom has been known to miss

With settlements for after-lives : To cry all mankind down, and rail:

For all that can be done or said, Por he whom all men do contemn,

Though e'er so noble, great, and good, May be allow'd to rail again at thein,

By them is neither heard nor understood. And in his own defence

All our fine sleights and tricks of art, To outface reason, wit, and sense,

First to create, and then adore desert, And all that makes against himself condemn; And those romances which we frame, To snarl at all things, right or wrong,

To raise ourselves, not them, a name, Like a mad dog that has a worm in 's tongue; In vain are stuft with ranting flatteries, Reduce all knowledge back of good and evil, And such as, if they kuew, they would despise. To its first original, the Devil;

Por, as those times the Golden Age we call, And, like a fierce inquisitor of wit,

In which there was no gold in use at all; To spare no flesh that ever spoke or writ;

So we plant glory and renown Though to perform his task as dull,

Where it was ne'er deserv'd nor known, As if he had a toadstone in his scull,

But to worse purpose, many times, And could produce a greater stock

To flourish o'er nefarious criines, Of maggots than a pastoral poet's flock.

And cheat the world, that never seems to mind

How good or bad men die, but what they leave The feeblest vermin can destroy

behind. As sure as stoutest beasts of prey, And, only with their eyes and breath,

And yet the brave Du-Val, whose name Infect and poison men to death;

Can never be worn out by Fame;
Bat that more impudent buttoon,

That liv'd and dy'd to leave behind
That makes it both his business and his sport A great example to mankind;
To rail at all, is but a drone,

That fell a public sacrifice,
That spends his sting on what he cannot hurt; From ruin to preserve those few,
Enjoys a kind of lechery in spite,

Who, though born false, may be made true, Like o'ergrown sinners, that in whipping take delight; And teach the world to be more just and wise; Invades the reputation of all those

Ought not, like vulgar ashes, rest That have, or have it not, to lose ;

Unmentioned in his silent chest, And, if he chance to make a difference,

Not for his own, but public interest. 'Tis always in the wrongest sense :

He, like a pious man, some years before As rooking gamesters never lay

The arrival of his fatal hour, Upon those hands that use fair play,

Made every day he had to live But venture all their bets

To his last minute a preparative; Upon the slurs and cunning tricks of ablest cheats. Taught the wild Arabs on the road

To act in a more gent e mode: Nor does he vex himself much less

Take prizes more obligiogly than those, Than all the world beside;

Who never had i en bred tiles; Falls sick of other men's excess,

And how to hang in a inore graceful fashion, Is humbled only at their pride,

Than e'er was known before to the dull English And sretched at their happiness;

nation. Revenges on himself the wrong Which his vain malice and loose tongue,

In France, the staple of new modes, To those that feel it not, have done,

Where garbs and iniens are current goods;

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That serves the ruder northern nations

And oft had beat his quarters up, With methods of address and treat;

And routed him and all his troop. Prescribes new garnitures and fashions,

He took the dreadful lawyer's fees, And how to drink and how to eat

That in his own allow'd highway No out-of-fashion wine or meat;

Does feats of arins as great as his, To understand cravats and plumes,

And, when th' encounter in it, wins the day. And the most modish from the old perfumes ;

Safe in his garrison, the court, To know the age and pedigrees

Where meaner criminals are sentenc'd for 't, Of points of Flanders or Venice;

To this stern foe he oft gave quarter, Cast their nativities, and, to a day,

But as the Scotchman did to' a Tartar, Foretel how long they 'll hold, and when decay;

That he, in time to come, T” affect the purest negligences

Might in return from him receive his fatal doom. In gestures, gaits, and miens, And speak by repartee-rotines

He would have starv'd this mighty town, Out of the most authentic of romances,

And brought its haughty spirit down; And to demonstrate, with substantial reason,

Have cut it off from all relief, What ribbands, all the year, are in or out of season: And, like a wise and valiant chief,

Made many a fierce assault In this great academy of mankind

Upon all aminunition carts, He had his birth and education,

And those that bring up cheese, or malt, Where all men are so ingeniously inclin'd,

Or bacon, from remoter parts; They understand by imitation,

No convoy e'er so strong with food
Improve untaught, before they are aware,

Durst venture on the desperate road;
As if they suck'd their breeding from the air, He made th' undaunted waggoner obey,
That naturally docs dispense

And the fierce higgler contribution pay;
To all a deep and solid confidence;

The sarage butcher and stout drover A virtue of that precious use,

Durst not to him their feeble troops discover; That he, whom bounteous Heaven endues

And, if he had but kept the field, But with a moderate share of it,

In time had made the city yield; Can want no worth, abilities, or wit,

For great towns, like to crocodiles, are found In all the deep Hermetic arts

I'th' belly aptest to receive a mortal wound. (For so of late the learned call All tricks, if strange and mystical).

But when the fatal hour arrird He had improv'd his natural parts,

In which his stars began to frown, And with his magic rod could sound

And had in close cabals contriv'd Where hidden treasure might be found :

To pull him from his height of glory down, > He, like a lord o' th' manor,

And he, by numerous foes opprest, Whatever happen'd in his way,

Was in th' enchanted dungeon cast, As lawful west and stray,

Secur'd with mighty guards, And after, by the custom, kept it as his own. Lest he, by force or stratagem, From these first rudiments he grew

Might prove too cunning for their chains and them, To nobler feats, and try'd his force

And break through all their locks, and bolts, and Upon whole troops of foot and horse,

wards, Whom he as bravely did subdue;

Had both his legs by charms commiited Declar'd all caravans, that go

To one another's charge,

That neither might be set at large, Upon the king's highway, the foe;

And all their fury and revenge outwitted. Made many desperate attacks

As jewels of high value are Upon itinerant brigades

Kept under locks with greater care
Of all professions, ranks, and trades,

Than those of meaner rates,
On carrier's loads, and pedlars' packs;
Made them lay down their arms, and yield,

So he was in stone walls, and chains, and iron grates.
And, to the smallest piece, restore
All that by cheating they had gain'd beforc,

Thither came ladies from all parts, And after plunder'd all the baggage of the field.

To offer up close prisoners their hearts; In every bold affair of war

Which he receir'd as tribute due, He had the chief command, and led them on;

And made them yield up Love and Honour too, For no man is judg'd fit to have the care

But in more brave heroic ways Of others' lives, until he 'as made it known

Tha:1 e'er were practis'd yet in plays: How much he does despise and scorn his own.

For those two spiteful foes, who never meet

But full of hot contests and piques Whole provinces, 'twixt Sun and Sun,

About punctilios and mere tricks, Have by his conquering sword been won;

Did all their quarrels to his doom submit, And mighty sums of money laid,

And, far more generous and free, For ransom, upon every man,

In contemplation only of him did agree, And hostages deliver'd till 'twas paid.

Both fully satisfy'd; the one Th' excise and chimney-publican,

With those fresh laurels he had won, The Jew-forestaller and enhancer,

And all the brave renowned feats To him for all their crimes did answer.

He had perform'd in arms; He vanquish'd the most fierce and fell

The other with his person and his charms Of all his foes, the constable ;

For, just as larks are catch'd in nets,

seiz'd upon

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