but the women of virtue are now grown such idiots in love, that they expect of a man, just as they do of a coach-horse, that one's appetite, like t'other's flesh, should increase by feeding. Sir Cha. Right, my lord; and don't consider, that toujours chapons bouillis will never do with an English stomach. Ld Fop. Ha, ha, ha! To tell you the truth, Charles, I have known so much of that sort of eating, that I now think, for an hearty meal, no wild fowl in Europe is comparable to a joint of Banstead mutton. Ld More. How do you mean? Ld Fop. Why, that, for my part, I had rather have a plain slice of my wife's woman, than my guts full of e'er an Ortolan duchess in Christendom. Ld More. But I thought, my lord, your chief business now at Windsor had been your design upon a woman of quality. Ld Fop. That's true, my lord; though I don't think your fine lady the best dish myself, yet a man of quality cann't be without such things at his table. Ld More. Oh, then, you only desire the reputation of an affair with her? Ld Fop. I think the reputation is the most inviting part of an amour with most women of quality. Ld More. Why so, my lord? Ld Fop. Why, who the devil would run through all the degrees of form and ceremony that lead one up to the last favour, if it were not for the reputation of understanding the nearest way to get over the difficulty? Ld More. But, my lord, does not the reputation of your being so general an undertaker frighten the women from engaging with you? For, they say, no man can love but one at a time. Ld Fop That's just one more than ever I came up to: for, stop my breath, if ever I loved in my life! Ld More. How do you get them, then? Ld Fop. Why, sometimes, as they get other people I dress, and let them get me, or, if that won't do, as I got my title, I buy them. Ld More. But, how can you, that profess indifference, think it worth your while to come so often up to the price of a woman of quality? Ld Fop. Because, you must know, my lord, that most of them begin, now, to come down to reason; I mean those that are to be had; for some die fools: but, with the wiser sort, 'tis not, of late, so very expensive; now and then, a partie quarré, a jaunt or two in a hack to an Indian house, a little china, an odd thing for a gown, or so; and, in three days after, you meet her at the conveniency of trying it chez Mademoiselle d'Epingle. Sir Cha. Ay, ay, my lord; and when you are there, you know, what between a little chat, a dish of tea, mademoiselle's good humour, and a petit chanson, or two, the devil's in't if a man can't fool away the time, 'till he sees how it looks upon her by candle-light. Ld Fop. Heh! heh! well said, Charles ; 'egad, I fancy thee and I have unlaced many a reputation there! Your great lady is as soon undressed as her woman. Ld More. I could never find it so—the shame or scandal of a repulse always made me afraid of attempting women of condition. Sir Cha. Ha, ha! 'egad, my lord, you deserve to be ill used; your modesty's enough to spoil any woman in the world. But my lord and I understand the sex a little better; we see plainly, that women are only cold, as sonic men are brave, from the modesty or fear of those that attack them. Ld Fop. Right, Charles-a man should no more give up his heart to a woman, than his sword to a bully; they are both as insolent as the devil after it. Sir Cha. How do you like that, my lord? Aside to Lord MORELOVE. Ld More. Faith, I envy him!-But, my lord, suppose your inclination should stumble upon a woman truly virtuous, would not a severe repulse from such an one put you strangely out of countenance? La Fop. Not at all, my lord-for, if a man don't mind a box o' the ear in a fair struggle with a fresh country girl, why the deuce should he be concerned at an impertinent frown for an attack upon a woman of quality? Ld More. Then, you have no notion of a lady's cruelty? Ld Fop. Ha, ha! let me blood, if I think there's a greater jest in nature! I am ready to crack my guts with laughing, to see a senseless flirt, because the creature happens to have a little pride, that she calls virtue, about her, give herself all the insolent airs of resentment and disdain to an honest fellow, that, all the while, does not care three pinches of snuff if she and her virtue were to run, with their last favours, through the first regiment of guards!—Ha, ha! it puts me in mind of an affair of mine, so im pertinent! Ld More. Oh, that's impossible, my lord!— Pray, let's hear it. Ld Fop. Why, I happened once to be very well in a certain man of quality's family, and his wife liked me! La More. How do you know she liked you? Ld Fop. Why, from the very moment I told her I liked her, she never durst trust herself at the end of a room with me. Ld More. That might be her not liking you. Ld Fop. My lord-Women of quality don't use to speak the thing plain-but, to satisfy you I did not want encouragement, I never came there in my life, but she did immediately smile, and borrow my snuff-box. Ld More. She liked your snuff, at least—Well, but how did she use you?" Ld Fop. By all that's infamous, she jilted me! Ld Fop. Ay, death's curse, she jilted me! Ld Fop. For, when I was pretty well convinced she had a mind to me, I one day made her a hint of an appointment: upon which, with an insolent frown in her face (that made her look as ugly as the devil,) she told me, that, if ever I came thither again, her lord should know that she had forbidden me the house before.-Did you ever hear of such a slut? Sir Cha. Intolerable! Ld More. But, how did her answer agree with you? Ld Fop. Oh, passionately well! for I stared full in her face, and burst out a-laughing; at which she turned upon her heel, and gave a crack with her fan, like a coach-whip, and bridled out of the room with the air and complexion of an incensed turkey-cock. [A Servant whispers Sir CHARles. Ld More. What did you then? SCENE I.-Continues. up the sash, and fell a-singing out of the window -so that, you see, my lord, while a man is not in love, there's no great affliction in missing one's way to a woman. Sir Cha. Ay, ay, you talk this very well, my lord; but, now, let's see how you dare behave yourself upon action-dinner's served, and the ladies stay for us-There's one within, has been too hard for as brisk a man as yourself. Ld More. I guess who you mean-Have a care, my lord; she'll prove your courage for you. Ld Fop. Will she? then she's an undone creature. For, let me tell you, gentlemen, courage is the whole mystery of making love, and of more use than conduct is in war; for the bravest fellow in Europe may beat his brains out against the stubborn walls of a town-but -Women, born to be controuled, ACT III. Enter Lord MORELOVE and Sir CHARLES. Ld More. So! Did not I bear up bravely? Sir Cha. Admirably! with the best-bred insolence in nature; you insulted like a woman of quality, when her country-bred husband's jealous of her in the wrong place. Ld More. Ha, ha! Did you observe, when I first came into the room, how carelessly she brushed her eyes over me; and, when the company saluted me, stood all the while with her face to the window? ha, ha! Sir Cha. What astonished airs she gave herself, when you asked her, what made her so grave upon her old friends! Ld More. And whenever I offered any thing in talk, what affected care she took to direct her observations of it to a third person! woman in the world, too: for, she'll certainly encourage the least offer from me, in hopes of revenging her slights upon you. Sir Cha. Right; and the very encouragement she gives you, at the same time will give me a pretence to widen the breach of my quarrel with her. Ld More. Besides, Charles, I own I am fond of any attempt that will forward a misunderstanding there, for your lady's sake. A woman, so truly good in her nature, ought to have something more from a man, than bare occasions to prove her goodness. Sir Cha. Why, then, upon honour, my lord, to give you proof that I am positively the best husband in the world, my wife never yet found me out. Ld More. That may be, by her being the best wife in the world: she, may be, won't find you Sir Cha. I observed she did not eat above the out. rump of a pigeon all dinner time. Ld More. And how she coloured when I told her her ladyship had lost her stomach! Sir Cha. If you keep your temper, she's undone. Ld More. Provided she sticks to her pride, I believe I may. Sir Cha. Ay! never fear her; I warrant, in the humour she is in, she would as soon part with her sense of feeling. Ld More. Well, what's to be done next? Sir Cha. Only observe her motions; for, by her behaviour at dinner, I am sure she designs to gall you with my lord Foppington: if so, you must even stand her fire, and then play my lady Graveairs upon her, whom I'll immediately pique, and prepare for your purpose. Ld More. I understand you- -the properest Sir Cha. Nay, if she won't tell a man of his faults, when she sees them, how the deuce should he mend them? But, however, you see I am going to leave them off as fast as I can. Ld More. Being tired of a woman, is, indeed, a pretty tolerable assurance of a man's not designing to fool on with her-Here she comes; and, if I don't mistake, brimful of reproaches-You cann't take her in a better time-I'll leave you. Enter Lady GRAVEAIRS. Your ladyship's most humble servant. Is the company broke up, pray? Lady Grave. No, my lord, they are talking of basset; my lord Foppington has a mind to tally, if your lordship would encourage the table. Ld More. Òh, madam, with all my heart! But Sir Charles, I know, is hard to be got to it: I'll leave your ladyship to prevail with him. [Exit Lord MORELOVE. [Sir CHARLES and Lady GRAVEAIRS salute coldly, and trifle some time before they speak. Lady Grave. Sir Charles, I sent you a note this morning. Sir Cha. Yes, madam; but there were some passages I did not expect from your ladyship. You seem to tax me with things that Lady Grave. Look you, sir, 'tis not at all material whether I taxed you with any thing or no; I don't desire you to clear yourself; upon my word, you may be very easy as to that matter; for my part, I am mighty well satisfied things are as they are; all I have to say to you is, that you need not give yourself the trouble to call at my lodgings this afternoon, if you should have time, as you were pleased to send me word—and so, your servant, sir, that's all[Going. Sir Cha. Hold, madani. Lady Grave. Look you, Sir Charles, 'tis not your calling me back that will signify any thing, I can assure you. Sir Cha. Why this extraordinary haste, madam? Lady Grave. In short, Sir Charles, I have taken a great many things from you of late, that, you know, I have often told you, I would positively bear no longer. But I see things are in vain, and the more people strive to oblige people, the less they are thanked for it: and, since there must be an end of one's ridiculousness one time or other, I don't see any time so proper as the present; and therefore, sir, I desire you would think of things accordingly. Your ser[Going, he holds her. vant. dam! [Bowing low.] What a charming quality is a woman's pride, that is strong enough to refuse a man her favours, when he's weary of them— Ah! Re-enter Lady Graveairs. Lady Grave. Look you, Sir Charles; don't presume upon the easiness of my temper; for, to convince you that I am positively in earnest in this matter, I desire you would let me have what letters you have had of mine since you came to Windsor; and I expect you'll return the rest, as I will yours, as soon as we come to London. Sir Cha. Upon my faith, madam, I never keep any; I always put snuff in them, and so they wear out. Lady Grave. Sir Charles, I must have them; for, positively, I won't stir without them. Sir Cha. Ha! then, I must be civil, I see. [Aside.] Perhaps, madam, I have no mind to part with them—or you. Lady Grave. Look you, sir, all those sort of things are in vain, now there's an end of every thing between us-If you say you won't give them, I must e'en get them as well as I can. Sir Cha. Ha! hat won't do then, I find. [Aside. Lady Grave. Who's there? Mrs EdgingYour keeping a letter, sir, won't keep me, I'll assure you. Enter EDGING. Edg. Did your ladyship call me, madam ? Lady Grave. Ay, child: pray, do me the favour to fetch my cloak out of the dining-room. Edg. Yes, madam. Sir Cha. Oh, then there's hope again. [Aside. Edg. Ha! she looks as if my master had quarSir Cha. Nay, madam, let us start fair, how-relled with her; I hope she's going away in a ever; you ought, at least, to stay till I am as huff-she sha'n't stay for her cloak, I warrant ready as your ladyship; and then, if we must her-This is pure. [Aside. Exit smiling. part, Lady Grave. Pray, Sir Charles, before I go, give me leave now, after all, to ask you-why you have used me thus ? Adieu, ye silent grots and shady groves; And all the thrilling joys of young desire! [Affectedly. Lady Grave. Oh, mighty well, sir! I am very glad we are at last come to a right understanding, the only way I have long wished for; not but I'd have you to know I see your design through all your painted ease of resignation: I know you'd give your soul to make me uneasy now. Sir Cha. Oh fie, madam! upon my word, I would not make you uneasy, if it were in my Sir Chu. What is it you call usage, madam ? Lady Grave. Why, then, since you will have it, how comes it you have been so grossly careless and neglectful of me of late? Only tell me, seriously, wherein I have deserved this? Sir Cha. Why, then, seriously, madamRe-enter EDGING, with a cloak. free, I have found so much, even in my acquaintance with you, whom I confess to be a mistress in the art of pleasing, that I am, from henceforth, resolved to follow no pleasure that rises above the degree of amusement-And that woman that expects I should make her my business, whylike my business, is then in a fair way of being forgot. When once she comes to reproach me with vows, and usage, and stuff-I had as lief hear her talk of bills, bonds, and ejectinents: her passion becomes as troublesome as a law-suit, and I would as soon converse with my solicitor. In short, I shall never care sixpence for any woman that won't be obedient. Lady Gruve. I'll swear, sir, you have a very free way of treating people; I am glad I am so well acquainted with your principles, howeverAnd you would have me obedient! Sir Cha. Why not? My wife's so; and I think she has as much pretence to be proud as your ladyship. Lady Grave. Lard! is there no chair to be had, I wonder? Enter EDGING. Edg. Here's a chair, madam. Lady Grave. 'Tis very well, Mrs Edging pray, will you let somebody get me a glass of fair water? Edg. Humph-her huff is almost over, I suppose-I see he's a villain still. [Asude. Exit. Lady Grave. Well, that was the prettiest fancy about obedience, sure, that ever was. Certainly, a woman of condition must be infinitely happy under the dominion of so generous a lover. But how came you to forget kicking and whipping all this while? Methinks, you should not have left so fashionable an article out of your scheme of government. more money than one is ever likely to be able to pay. Lady Grave. A dun! Do you take me for a dun, sir? Do I come a dunning to you? [Walks in a heat. Sir Cha. Hist! don't expose yourself-here's company Lady Grave. I care not-A dun! you shall see, sir, I can revenge an affront, though I despise the wretch that offers it--A dun! Oh, I could die with laughing at the fancy! [Exit. Sir Cha. So-she's in admirable order-Here comes my lord; and, I'm afraid, in the very nick of his occasion for her. Enter Lord Morelove. Ld More. Oh, Charles, undone again! all is lost and ruined. Sir Cha. What's the matter now? Ld More. I have been playing the fool yonder, even to contempt; my senseless jealousy has confessed a weakness I never shall forgive myself. She has insulted on it to that degree, too-I cann't bear the thought--Oh, Charles, this devil is mistress of my heart! and I could dash my brains out to think how grossly too I have let her know it. Sir Cha. Ah, how it would tickle her if she saw you in this condition! ha, ha, ha! Ld More. Pr'ythee don't torture me: think of some present ease, or I shall burst. Sir Cha. Well, well; let's hear, pray-What has she done to you? Ha, ha! Ld More. Why, ever since I left you, she has treated me with so much coolness and ill nature, and that thing of a lord with so much laughing ease, such an acquainted, such a spiteful familiarity, that, at the last, she saw and triumphed in my uneasiness. Sir Cha. Well, and so you left the room in a Sir Cha. Um-No, there is too much trouble in that; though I have known them of admi-pet? Ha! rable use in reformation of some humoursome gentlewomen. Lady Grave. But one thing more, and I have done--Pray, what degree of spirit must the lady have, that is to make herself happy under so much freedom, order, and tranquillity? Sir Chu. Oh, she must at least have as much spirit as your ladyship, or she'd give me no pleasure in breaking it. Lady Grave. No, that would be troublesome. You had better take one that's broken to your hand: there are such souls to be hired, I believe; things that will rub your temples in an evening, till you fall fast asleep in their laps; creatures, too, that think their wages their reward. I fancy, at last, that will be the best method for the lazy passion of a married man, that has outlived his any other sense of gratification. Sir Cha. Look you, madam; I have loved you very well a great while; now you would have me love you better and longer, which is not in my power to do; and I don't think there is any plague upon earth like a dun that comes for Ld More. Oh, worse, worse still! for, at last, with half shame and anger in my looks, I thrust myself between my lord and her, pressed her by the hand, and in a whisper, trembling, begged her, in pity of herself and me, to shew her good humour, only where she knew it was truly valued: at which she broke from me, with a cold smile, sat her down by the peer, whispered him, and burst into a loud laughter in my face. Sir Cha. Ha, ha! then would I have given fifty pounds to have seen your face. Why, what in the name of common sense had you to do with humility? Will you never have enough on't? Death! 'twas setting a lighted match to gunpowder, to blow yourself up. Ld More. I see my folly now, Charles. But what shall I do with the remains of life that she has left me? Sir Cha. Oh, throw it at her feet, by all means! put on your tragedy face, catch fast hold of her petticoat, whip out your handkerchief, and, in point blank verse, desire her, one way or other, to make an end of the business. [In a whining tone. Ld More. What a fool dost thou make me! Sir Cha. I only can shew you as you came out of her hands, my lord. Ld More. How contemptibly have I behaved myself! Sir Cha. That's according as you bear her behaviour. Ld More. Bear it! no-I thank thee, Charles; thou has waked me now: and, if I bear itWhat have you done with my lady Graveairs? Sir Cha. Your business, I believe--She's ready for you; she's just gone down stairs, and, if you don't make haste after her, I expect her back again, with a knife or a pistol presently. Ld More. I'll go this minute. Sir Cha. No, stay a little: here comes my lord; we'll see what we can get out of him first. Ld More. Methinks, now, I could laugh at her. Enter Lord FOPPINGTON. Ld Fop. Nay, pr'ythee, Sir Charles, let's have a little of thee-We have been so chagrin without thee, that, stop my breath, the ladies are gone half asleep to church for want of thy company. Sir Cha. That's hard, indeed, while your lordship was among them. Is Lady Betty gone, too? Ld Fop. She was just upon the wing; but I caught her by the snuff-box, and she pretends to stay, to see if I'll give it her again, or no. Ld More. Death! 'tis that I gave her, and the only present she would ever receive from me -Ask him how he came by it. [Aside to Sir CHARLES. Sir Cha. Pr'ythee don't be uneasy——Did she give it you, my lord? Ld Fop. Faith, Charles, I cann't say she did, or she did not; but we were playing the fool, and I took it-à la-Pshaw! I cann't tell thee in French neither; but Horace touches it to a nicety-'twas pignus direptum malè pertinaci. Ld More. So-but I must bear it--If your lordship has a mind to the box, I'll stand by you in keeping of it. Ld Fop. My lord, I am passionately obliged to you; but I am afraid I cannot answer your hazarding so much of the lady's favour. Ld More. Not at all, my lord: 'tis possible I may not have the same regard to her frown that your lordship has. Ld Fop. That's a bite, I am surere-he'd give a joint of his little finger to be as well with her as I am. [Aside.] But here she comes-Charles, stand by me- -Must not a man be a vain coxcomb, now, to think this creature followed one? Sir Cha. Nothing so plain, my lord. Ld Fop. Flattering devil! Enter Lady BETTY. Lady Bet. Pshaw, my lord Foppington! pr'ythee, don't play the fool now, but give me my snuff-box-Sir Charles, help me to take it from him. Sir Cha. You know I hate trouble, madam. Lady Bet. Pooh! you'll make me stay till prayers are half over now. Ld Fop. If you'll promise me not to go to church, I'll give it you. Lady Bet. I'll promise nothing at all; for positively, I will have it. [Struggling with him. Ld Fop. Then, comparatively, I won't part with it. Ha, ha! [Struggles with her. Lady Bet. Oh, you devil, you have killed my arm! Oh!-Well, if you'll let me have it, I'll give you a better. Ld More. Oh, Charles! that has a view of distant kindness in it. [Aside to Sir CHARLES. Ld Fop. Nay, now, I keep it superlatively— I find there's a secret value in it. Lady Bet. O, dismal! Upon my word, I am only ashamed to give it to you. Do you think I would offer such an odious fancied thing to any body I had the least value for? Sir Cha. Now it comes a little nearer, methinks it does not seem to be any kindness at all. [Aside to Lord MORELOVE. Ld Fop. Why, really, madam, upon second view, it has not extremely the mode of a lady's utensil. Are you sure it never held any thing but snuff? Lady Bet. Oh, you monster! Ld Fop. Nay, I only ask, because it seems to me to have very much the air and fancy of Monsieur Smoakandsot's tobacco-box. Ld More. I can bear no more. Sir Cha. Why, don't, then: I'll step in to the company, and return to your relief immediately. [Exit Sir CHA. Ld More. [To Lady BET.] Come, madam, will your ladyship give me leave to end the difference? Since the slightness of the thing may let you bestow it without any mark of favour, shall I beg it of your ladyship. Ludy Bet. Oh, my lord, nobody sooner- -I beg you give it, my lord. [Looking earnestly on Lord FOP. who, smiling, gives it to Lord MORE. and then bows gravely toher.} Ld More. Only to have the honour of restoring it to your lordship; and if there be any other trifle of mine your lordship has a fancy to, though it were a mistress, I don't know any person in the world that has so good a claim to my resignation. Ld Fop. Oh, my lord, this generosity will dis tract me! Ld More. My lord, I do you but common justice. But from your conversation, I had never known the true value of the sex. You positively understand them the best of any man breathing; therefore, I think every one of common prudence ought to resign to you. Ld Fop. Then, positively, your lordship is the most obliging person in the world; for I'm sure your judgment can never like any woman that is not the finest creature in the universe. [Bowing to Lady BET. Ld More. Oh, your lordship does me too |