my condition at least it has reduced me to the necessity of trying the last remedy,-marriage with another; if it prove ineffectual, I only wish you may, at some hours, remember how little cause I have given you to have made me for ever miserable. PHILIP." Poor gentleman! very hard, by my conscience! Indeed, madam, this was carrying the jest a li tle too far. Hyp. Ah, by many a long mile, Flora; but what would you have a woman do, when her hand's in? Flo. Nay, the truth of it is, we never know the difference between enough and a surfeit ; but, love be praised, your proud stomach's come down for it. Hyp. Indeed, it is not altogether so high as it was. In a word, his last letter set me at my wit's end; and when I came to myself, you may remember you thought me bewitched; for I immediately called for my boots and breeches, a straddle we got, and so rode after him. Flo. Why, truly, madam, as to your wits, I have not much altered my opinion of them, for I cannot see what you propose by it. Hyp. My whole design, Flora, lies in this portmanteau and these breeches. Flo. A notable design, no doubt! but, pray, let's hear it? Hyp. Why, I do propose to be twice married between them. Flo. How! twice? Hyp. By the help of the portmanteau, I intend to marry myself to Don Philip's new mistress; and then I'll put off my breeches and marry him. Flo. Now, I begin to take ye: but, pray, what's in the portmanteau, and how came you by it? Flo. I'm afraid it must be alone, if you do give him satisfaction; for my part, I can push no more than I can swim. Hyp. But can you bully upon occasion? Flo. Say ye so? Why, then, Don, look to yourself; if I don't give you as good as you bring, I'll be content to wear breeches as long as I live, though I lose the end of my sex by it. Well, madam, now you have opened the plot, pray, when is the play to begin?' Hyp. I hope to have it all over in less than four hours: we'll just refresh ourselves with what the house affords, comb out our wigs, and wait upon my father-in-law-How now! what would this fellow have? Enter TRAPPANTI. Trap. Servant, gentlemen; I have taken nice care of your nags; good cattle they are, by my troth! right and sound, I warrant them; they deserve care, and they have had it, and shall have it, if they stay in this house. I always stand by, sir; see them rubbed down with my own eyesCatch me trusting an ostler-I'll give you leave to fill for me, and drink for me too. Flo. I have seen this fellow somewhere. Trap. Hey-day! what, no cloth laid? was ever such attendance! Hey, house! tapster! landlord! hey! [Knocks.] What was it you bespoke, gentlemen? Hyp. Really, sir, I ask your pardon; I have almost forgot you. Trap. Pshaw! dear sir, never talk of it; I live here hard by-I have a lodging- I cannot call it a lodging neither-that is, I have a Sometimes I am here, and sometimes I am there; and so, here and there, one makes shift, you know. Hey! will these people never come? [Knocks. Hyp. You give a very good account of your Hyp. I hired one to steal it from his servant at the last inn we lay at in Toledo. In it are jewels of value, presents to my bride, gold good store, settlements, and credential letters, to certify, that the bearer (which I intend to be my-self, sir. self) is Don Philip, only son and heir of Don Fernando de las Torres, now residing at Seville, whence we came. Flo. A very smart undertaking, by my troth! And, pray, madam, what part am I to act? Hyp. My woman still; when I cannot lie for myself, you are to do it for me, in the person of a cousin-german. Flo. And my name is to be Hyp. Don Guzman, Diego, Mendoza, or what you please: be your own godfather. Flo. 'Egad, I begin to like it mightily! this may prove a very pleasant adventure, if we can but come off without fighting, which, by the way, I don't easily perceive we shall; for, to be sure, Don Philip will make the devil to do with us when he finds himself here before he comes hither. Trap. Oh, nothing at all, sir. Lord, sir-was it fish or flesh, sir? Flo. Really, sir, we have bespoke nothing yet. Trup. Nothing! for shame! it's a sign you are young travellers. You don't know this house, sir; why, they'll let you starve if you don't stir and call, and that like thunder, too-Hey! [Knocks. Hyp. Ha! you eat here sometimes, I presume, sir? Trup. Umph! Ay, sir, that's as it happensI seldom eat at home, indeed-things are generally, you know, so out of order there, thatDid you hear any fresh news upon the road, sir? Hyp. Only, sir, that the king of France lost a great horse-match upon the Alps t'other day. Trap. Ha! a very odd place for a horse-race -but the king of France may do any thing-did Hyp. Oh, let me alone to give him satisfac- you come that way, gentlemen? or-Hey! tion. (Knocks. Enter Host. Host. Did you call, gentlemen? Trap. Yes, and bawl, too, sir. Here, the gentlemen are almost famished, and nobody comes near them. What have you in the house, now, that will be ready presently? Host. You may have what you please, sir. Host. Sir, we have no partridges; but we'll get you what you please in a moment. We have a very good neck of mutton, sir; if you please, it shall be clapped down in a moment. Hyp. Have you no pigeons or chickens? Host. Truly, sir, we have no fowl in the house at present; if you please, you may have any thing else in a moment. Hyp. Then, pr'ythee, get us some young rab bits. Host. Upon my word, sir, rabbits are so scarce, they are not to be had for money. Flo. Have you any fish? Host. Fish, sir! I drest yesterday the finest dish that ever came upon a table; I am sorry we have none left, sir; but, if you please, you may have any thing else in a moment. Trap. Pox on thee! hast thou nothing but any thing else in the house? Host. Very good mutton, sir. Hyp. Pr'ythee get us a breast then. Host. Breast! don't you love the neck, sir? Hup. Have ye nothing in the house but the neck? Host. Really, sir, we don't use to be so unprovided; but at present we have nothing else left. Trup. Faith, sir, I don't know but a nothing may be very good meat, when any thing else is not to be had. else Hyp. Then, pr'ythee, friend, let's have thy neck of mutton before that is gone, too. Trap. Sir, he shall lay it down this minute; I'll see it done, gentlemen; I'll wait upon ye presently; for a minute I must beg you pardon, and leave to lay the cloth myself. it. Hyp. By no means, sir. Trap. No ceremony, dear sir! Indeed I'll do [Exeunt Host and TRAPPANTI. Hyp. What can this familiar puppy be? Flo. With much ado, I have recollected his face. Don't you remember, madam, about two or three years ago, Don Philip had a trusty servant, called Trappanti, that used now and then to slip a note into your hand as you came from church? Hyp. Is this he, that Philip turned away for saying I was as proud as a beauty, and homely enough to be good-humoured? Flo. The very same, I assure ye; only, as you see, starving has altered his air a little. Hyp Poor fellow! I am concerned for him. What makes him so far from Seville? Flo. I am afraid all places are alike to him. Hyp. I have a great mind to take him into my service; his assurance may be useful, as my case stands. VOL. III. Flo. You would not tell him who you are ? Hyp. There's no occasion for it-I'll talk with him. Enter TRAPPANTI. Trap. Your dinner's upon the spit, gentlemen, and the cloth is laid in the best rooin-Are you not for a whet, sir? What wine? what wine? hey! Flo. We give you trouble, sir. Trap. Not in the least, sir-Hey! [Knocks Host. D'ye call, gentlemen? Trap. Nay, pray, sir! {TO TRAP. Hyp. No ceremony, dear sir! upon my word you shall. Trap. Upon my soul you'll make me leave ye, gentlemen. Hyp. Come, come, no words: prʼythee, you shall. Come, fill out-hold-let me taste it first-Ye blockhead, would you have the gentleman drink before he knows whether it be good or not? [Drinks.] Yes, 'twill do-Give me the bottle, I'll fill myself. Now, sir, is not that a glass of right wine? Hyp. Extremely good, indeed-But, sir, as to my question. Trap. I'm afraid, sir, that mutton won't be enough for us all. Hyp. Oh, pray, sir, bespeak what you please. Trap. Sir, your most humble servant-Here, master! pr'ythee, get us a-ha! ay, get us a dozen of poached eggs-a dozen, d'ye hear-just to-pop down a little. Host. Yes, sir. [Going. Trap. Friend- let there be a little slice of bacon to every one of them. Hyp. But, sir Trap. 'Odso! I had like to have forgot 22 here a-Sancho, Sancho! Ay, is not your name Sancho? Host. Diego, sir. Trap. Oh, ay, Diego; that's true, indeed, Diego. Umph! Hyp. I must e'en let him alone; there's no putting in a word till his mouth's full. Trap. Come, here's to thee, Diego-[Drinks and fills again.] That I should forget thy name, though. Host. No great harm, sir. faith Trap. Diego, ha! a very pretty name, Trap. Ha! how many children? Trup. Ha! nine girls!-Come, here's to thee Trap. Makes all her pickles herself, I warrant ye-Does she do olives well? Host. Will you be pleased to taste them, sir? Trap. Taste them! hum! pr'ythee, let's have a plate, Diego. Host. Yes, sir. Hyp. And our dinner as soon as you please, sir: when it's ready, call us. Host. Yes, sir. [Exit Host. Hyp. But, sir, I was asking you of your profession. Trap. Profession! really, sir, I don't use to profess much: I am a plain-dealing sort of a man; if I say I'll serve a gentleman, he may depend upon me. Flo. Have you ever served, sir? Trap. Some words with my superior officer; I was a little too free in speaking my mind to him. Hyp. Don't you think of serving again, sir? Trap. If a good post fall in my way. Hyp. I believe I could help you-Pray, sir, when you served last, did you take pay or wages? Trap. Pay, sir!- -Yes, sir, I was paid, cleared, subsistence and arrears, to a farthing. Hyp. And late commander's name was— Trap. Don Philip de las Torres. Hyp. Of Seville? your Trap. Of Seville. Hyp. Sir, your most humble servant. You need not be curious, for I am sure you don't know me, though I do you, and your condition, which, I dare promise you, I'll mend upon our better acquaintance: and your first step to deserve it, is to answer me honestly to a few questions. Keep your assurance still: it may do me service; I shall like you better for it. Come, here's to encourage you. [Gives him money. Trap. Sir, my humble service to you. Hyp. Well said. Flo. Nay, I'll pass my word he shaʼn't dwindie into modesty. Trap. I never heard a gentleman talk better in my life. I have seen such a sort of a face before; but where—I don't know, nor I don't care. It's your glass, sir. Hyp. Grammercy! here, cousin. [Drinks to FLORA.] Come now, what made Don Philip turn you out of his service? why did you leave him? Trup. 'Twas time, I think; his wits had left him-the man was mad. Hyp. Mad! Trap. Ay, stark mad-in love. Trap. Very deep-up to the ears-over head -drowned by this time-he would in-I would have had him stopped when he was up to the middle. Hyp. What was she he was in love with? Hyp. So, now for a very ugly likeness of my own face. [Aside.] What sort of a devil? Trap. The damning sort― a woman. Hyp. Had she no name? Trap. Her christian name was Donna Hypolita, but her proper name was Shuttlecock. Flo. How dy'e like that? [Aside to HYP. Hyp. Pretty well. [Aside to FLO.] Was she handsome? wit Trap. Umph -So, so. Flo. How d'ye like that? [To HYP. Hyp. Umph-so, so. [To FLO.] Had she Trap. Sometimes. Hyp. Was she honest ? Hyp. What, had she no good qualities? Trap. Faith, I don't remember them. Hyp. Ha! dy'e think she loved him? Trap. If she did, 'twas as the cobler loved his wife. Hyp. Oh, oh, extremely well! the rogue has put me into a cold sweat. I am as humble as an offending lover. Enter Host. Host. Gentlemen, your dinner's upon the table. [Erit Host. Hyp. That's well. Come, sir; at dinner I'll give you farther instructions how you may serve yourself and me. Trap. Come, sir. [TO FLORA. Flo. Nay, dear sir! no ceremony. [As they are going, HYP. stops them. Hyp. Come back; here's one I don't care should see me. Trap. Sir, the dinner will be cold. Hyp. Do you eat it hot, then; we are not hungry. Trap. Sir, your very humble servant again. [Erit TRAP. Flo. You seem concerned; who is it? Hyp. My brother Octavio, as I live!-Come this way. [They retire. Enter OCTAVIO and a Servant. Oct. Jasper, run immediately to Rosara's woman; tell her I am just come to town; slip that note into her hand, and stay for an answer. Flo. 'Tis he! Re-enter Host, conducting Don PHILIP. Host. Here, sir, please to walk this way. Fio. And Don Philip, by Jupiter! D. Phi. When my servant comes, send him to me immediately. Host. Yes, sir. Hyp. Nay, then, it is time for us to make ready-Allons! [Exeunt HVP. and FLO. Oct. Don Philip! D. Phi. Dear Octavio! Oct. What lucky point of the compass could blow us to one another so? D. Phi. Faith, a wind very contrary to my inclination; but the worst, I see, blows some good. I am overjoyed to see you. But what makes you so far from the army ? Oct. Who thought to have found you so far from Seville! D. Phi. What do you do at Madrid? Oct. Oh, friend, such an unfortunate occasion, and yet such a lucky discovery! such a mixture of joy and torment, no poor dog upon earth was ever plagued with. D. Phi. Unriddle, pray. Oct. Don't you remember, about six months ago, I wrote you word of a dear, delicious, sprightly creature, that I had bombarded for a whole summer to no purpose? D. Phi. I remember. Oct. That same silly, stubborn, charming angel now capitulates. D. Phi. Then she's taken. Oct. I cann't tell that; for you must know, her perfidious father, contrary to his treaty with me, and her inclination, is going to D. Phi. Marry her to another Oct. Of a better estate than mine, it seems. She tells me here, he's within a day's march of her; begs me to come upon the spur to her relief; and, if I don't arrive too late, confesses she loves me well enough to open the gates, and let me enter the town before him. There's her express, read it HYPOLITA, FLORA, and TRAPPANTI appear in the Balcony. Hyp. Hark! they are talking of a mistresslet us observe. Flo. Trappanti, there's your old master. Trap. Ay, I know him again; but I may chance to tell him, he did not know a good servant when he had him. D Phi. [Reads.] "My father has concluded a match for me with one I never saw, and intends, in two days, to perfect it: the gentleman is expected every hour. In the mean time, if you know any friend that has a better title to me, advise him forthwith to put in his claim. I am almost out of my senses, which you will easily believe when I tell you, if such a one should make haste, I sha'n't have time to refuse him any thing." Hyp. How is this? D. Phi. No name? Oct. She never would trust it in a letter. Flo. If this should be Don Philip's mistress? Trap. Sir, you may take my word it is: I know the lady, and what the neighbours say of her. Hup. This was a lucky discovery-but hush. D. Phi. What will you do in this case? Oct. That I don't yet know: I am half distracted; I have just sent my servant to tell her I am come to town, and beg an opportunity to speak with her; I long to see her; I warrant the poor fool will be so soft and so humble, now she's in a fright. D. Phi. What will you purpose at your meeting her? Oct. I don't know; may be another meeting; at least it will come to a kind look, a kiss, good bye, and a sigh—Ah, if I can but persuade her to run away with me! D. Ph. Consider→→→→→ Oct. Ah, so I do! What pleasure 'twould be, to have her steal out of her 'bed in a sweet moonshiny night; to hear her come pat, pat, pat, along in her slippers, with nothing but a thin silk night-gown loose about her, and in this tempting dress, to have her jump into my arms, breathless with fear; her panting bosom close to mine; then to stifle her with kisses, and curl myself about her smooth warm limbs, that breathe an healing odour from their pores, enough to make the senses ache, or fancy mad! D. Phi. Octavio, I envy thee; thou art the happiest man in thy temper Oet. And thou art the most altered I ever " knew. Pr'ythee, what makes thee so much upon the humdrum? Well, are my sister and you come to a right understanding yet? When do you marry? Hyp. So, now I shall have my picture by another hand D) Phi. My condition, Octavio, is very much like your mistress's; she is going to marry the man she never saw, and I the woman. Oct. 'Sdeath, you make me tremble! I hope 'tis not my mistress. D. Phi. Thy mistress! that were an idle fear; Madrid's a wide place-or, if it were, (she loving you) my friendship and my honour would oblige me to desist. Oct. That's generous, indeed! but still you amaze me! Are you quite broke off with my sister? I hope she has given you no reason to forget her? Hyp. Now, I tremble. D. Phi. The most severe that ever beauty printed in the heart of man; a coldness unaccountable to sense. Oct. Psha, dissembled ! Hyp. Ha! D. Ph. I cann't think it; lovers are soon flattered into hope; but she appeared to me indifferent to so nice a point, that she has ruined me without the trouble of resolving it. Flo. Well, men are fools. Oct. And by this time she's in fits for your leaving her; 'tis her nature; I know her from her bib and baby: I remember, at five years old, the vixen has fasted three days together, in pure spite to her governess. Hyp. So! Oct. Nothing could ever, in appearance, make her pleased or angry; always too proud to be obliged, too high to be affronted, and thought nothing so low as to seem fond of revenge: she had a stomach that could digest every thing but humility. Hyp. Good lack, Mr Wit! Oct. Yet, with all this, I have sometimes seen her good-natured, generous, and tender. Hyp. There the rogue was civil again. D. Phi. I have thought so, too. {Sighing. Hyp. How can he speak of me with so much generosity? Oct. For all her usage of you, I'll be racked if she did not love you. D. Phi. I rather think she hated me: however, now 'tis past, and I must endeavour to think no more of her. Hyp. Now I begin to hate myself. D. Phi. Come, forget it. Hyp. Come, we have seen enough of the ene my's motions, to know 'tis time for us to decamp. [Exeunt HYPOLITA, FLORA, and TRAPPANTI. Oct. With all my heart; let's go in, and drink your new mistress's health. When do you visit her? D. Phi. I intended it immediately, but an unlucky accident hindered me: one of my servants fell sick upon the road, so that I am forced to make shift with one, and he is the most negligent sottish rogue in nature; he has left my portmanteau, where all my writings and letters of concern are, behind him at the last town we lay at, so that I cann't properly visit the lady, or her father, till I am able to assure them who I am. Oct. Why don't you go back yourself to see for them? D. Phi. I have sent my servant, for I am really tired: I was loth to appear so much concerned for them, lest the rascal should think it worth his while to run away with them. Enter Servant to OCTAVIO. Oct. How now? Serv. Here's an answer, sir. [Gives a letter. Oct. [To D. PHI.] My dear friend, I beg a thousand pardons; I must leave you this minute; the kind creature has sent for me. I am a soldier, you know, and orders must be obeyed; when I come off duty I'll immediately wait upon you. D. Phi. You'll find me here, or hear of me. Adieu. Here, house! [Exit OCTAVIO. Enter Host. Pr'ythee, see if my servant be come yet. Host. I believe he is, sir; is he not in blue? D. Phi. Ay; where is the sot? Host. Just refreshing himself with a glass at the gate. D. Phi. Pray, tell the gentleman I'd speak with him.-[Exit Host.] In all the necessaries of life, there is not a greater plague than servants. Hey, Soto! Enter SOTO, drunk. Soto. Did you please to-uch!-call, sir? D. Phi. What's the reason, blockhead, I must always wait upon you thus? Soto. Sir, I did not know any thing of it. I— I-came as soon as you se-se-se-sent for me. D. Phi. And why not without sending, sir? Did you think I expected no answer to the business I sent you about? Soto. Yes, sir-I did think you would be will Oct. Then you are determined to marry this ing-that is-to have an account-so, I staid to other lady? D. Phi. That's my business to Madrid. Trap Which shall be done to your hand. D. Phi. Besides, I am now obliged by contract. Oct. Then, (though she be my sister) may some jealous, old, ill-natured dog, revenge your quarrel to her. Hyp. Thank you, sir. take a glass at the door because I would not be out of the way-huh! D. Phi. You are drunk, rascal!———Where's the portmanteau ! Soto. Sir, I am here--if you please I'll give you the whole account how the matter is-huh! D. Phi. My mind misgives me- -speak, villain! [Strikes him. |