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so fell a sputtering at one another, like two roast- | d’ye think my niece will ever endure such a boing apples.

rachio ? you're an absolute borachio.

Sir Wil, Borachio !
PETULANT enters, drunk.

L. Wish. At a time when you should comNow, Petulant, all's over, all's well ? gad, my mence an amour, and put your best foot forehead begins to whim it about—Why dost thou most not speak? thou art both as drunk and as mute Sir Wil. 'Sheart! an you grutch me your lias a fish.

quor, make a bill-give me more drink, and take Pet. Look you, Mrs Millamant—if you can my purse.

(Sings. love me, dear nymph-say it—and that's the

Pr’ythee fill me the glass conclusion-pass on, or pass off - that's all.

'Till it laugh in my face, Wit. Thou hast uttered volumes, folios, in less than decimo sexto, my dear Lacedemonian.

With ale that is potent and mellow ;

He Chut whines for a lass Sirrah, Petulant, thou art an epitomizer of words.

Is an ignorant ass, Pet. Witwould-You are an annihilator of

For a bumper has not its fellow. Wit. Thou art a retailer of phrases, and dost But if you would have me marry my cousin-say deal in remnants of remnants, like a maker of pin-cushions—thou art in truth (metaphorically the word, and I'll do't-Wilfull will do't, that's

the word—Wilfull will do't, that's my crestspeaking) a speaker of short-hand. Pet. Thou art (without a figure) just one

my motto I have forgot.

L. Wish. My nephew's a little overtaken, half of an ass, and Baldwin yonder, thy half-brother, is the rest-a gemini of asses split, would cousin—but 'tis with drinking your health make just four of you.

my word, you are obliged to him

Sir Wil. In vino veritas, aunt: if I drunk Wit. Thou dost bite, my dear mustard-seed ;

your health to-day, cousin—I am a borachio. kiss me for that. Pet. Stand off-I'll kiss no more males.-I But if you have a mind to be married, say the

word, and send for the piper ; Wilfull will do't. have kissed your twin yonder in a humour of reconciliation, till he (Hiccups] rises upon my sto

If not, dust it away, and let's have t'other round

-Tony ! od's heart, where's Tony?—Tony's mach like a raddish. Mill. Eh ! filthy creature—what was the quar- and that's a fault.

an honest fellow, but he spits after a bumper,

(Sings. rel?

Pet. There was no quarrel—there might have We'll drink, und we'll neder ha' done, boys. been a quarrel.

Put the glass then around with the sun, boys. Wit. If there had been words enow between Let Apollo's example invite us ; 'em to have expressed provocation, they had For he's drunk every night, gone together by the ears like a pair of castanets. And that makes him so bright, Pet. You were the quarrel.

That he's able next morning to light us. Mill. Me!

Pet. If I bavethe humour to quarrel, I can make The sun's a good pimple, an honest soaker; he less matters conclude premises—if you are not has a cellar at your Antipodes. If I travel, aunt, handsome, what then, if I have a humour to I touch at your Antipodes- -your Antipodes

-If I shall have my reward, say so: are good rascally sort of topsy-turvy fellows-if if not, fight for your face the next time yourself I had a bumper I'd stand upon my head and -I'll go sleep.

drink a health to them—A match or no match, Wit. Do wrap thyself up like a wood-louse, cousin with the hard name?

-Aunt, Wilfull and dream revenge and hear me, if thou canst will do't. If she has her maidenhead, let her learn to write by to-morrow morning, pen me a look to't ; if she has not, let her keep her own challenge - I'll carry it for thee.

counsel in the mean time, and cry out at the Pet. Carry your mistress's monkey a spider--nine month's end. go flea dogs, and read romances—

-I'll go to

Mill. Your pardon, madam, I can stay no bed to my maid.

(Exit. longer-Sir Wilfull grows very powerful. Égh! Mrs Fain. He's horridly drunk-how came how he smells ! I shall be overcome if I stay. you all in this pickle ?

Come, cousin. Wit. A plot, a plot, to get rid of the knight. (Ereunt MILLAMANT and Mrs FAINALL. -Your husband's advice; but he sneaked off. L. Wish. Smells! he would poison a tallow

chandler and his family: Beastly creature! I Sir WILFULL, drunk, and Lady WISHPORT enter.

know not what to do with him. Travel, quotha! L. Wish. Out upon't, out upon't! At years of ay, travel, travel, get thee gone, get thec gone, get discretion, and comport yourself at this rantipole thee but far enough, to the Saracens, or the Tarrate!

tars, or the Turks; for thou art not fit to live in Sir Wil. No offence, aunt.

a Christian commonwealth, thou beastly Pagan. L. Wish. Offence! as I am a person, I'm Sir Wil. Turks! no; no Turks, aunt'; your ashamed of you-oh! how you stink of wine! | Turks are infidels, and believe not in the grave.


prove it!


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Your Mahometan, your Musselman is a dry a most prevailing vehemence—But a day or two
stinkard—No offence, aunt. My map says that for decency of marriage.
your Turk is not so honest a man as your Chris- Wuit. For decency of funeral, madam. The
tian. I cannot find by the map that your Muf- delay will break my heart; or if that should fail,
ti is orthodox, whereby it is a plain case, that I shall be poisoned. My nephew will get an
orthodox is a hard word, aunt, and—[Hiccups] inkling of my designs, and poison me, and I would
Greek for claret.

(Sings. willingly starve him before I die: I would gladly

go out of the world with that satisfaction. That To drink is a Christian diversion,

would be some comfort to me, if I could but live Unknown to the Turk or the Persian : so long as to be revenged on that unnatural vi

Let Mahometan fools
Live by heathenish rules,

L. Wish. Is he so unnatural, say you? Truly I
And be damned over tea-cups and coffee ; would contribute much both to the saving of
But let British lads sing,

your life and the accomplishment of your reCrown a health to the king,

venge. Not that I respect myself; though he And a fig for your sultan and sophi, has been a perfidious wretch to me.

Wait. Perfidious to you!
FOIBLE enters, and whispers Lady WISHFORT.

L. Wish. O, Sir Rowland, the hours that he
Eh, Tony !

has died away at my feet, the tears that he has L. Wish. Sir Rowland impatient? good lack! shed, the oaths that he has sworn, the palpitawhat shall I do with this beastly tumbril ?-go tions that he has felt, the trances and tremblings, lie down and sleep, you sot ; or, as I'm a person, the ardours and the ecstacies, the kneelings and I'll have you bastinadoed with broomsticks. Call the risings, the heart-heavings and the hand-griup the wenches with broomsticks.

pinys, the pangs and the pathetic regards of his Sir Wil. Ahey! wenches; where are the wench- protesting eyes! Oh, no memory can register. es ?

Wait. What, my rival! is the rebel my rival ? L. Wish. Dear cousin Witwould, get him


a' dies. and you will bind me to you inviolably. I have L. M'ish. No, don't kill him at once, Sir Rowan affair of moment that invades me with some land; starve him gradually, inch by inch. precipitation-you will oblige me to all futurity: Wait. I'll do't. In three weeks he shall be

Wit. Come, knight-plague on him, I don't barefoot; in a month out at knees with begging know what to say to him— will you go to a cock

an alms. He shall starve upward and upward, match?

till he has nothing living but his head, and then Sir Wil. With a wench, Tony? Is she a shake- go out in a stink, like a candle's end upon a bag, sirrah? let me bite your cheek for that.

saveall. Wit. Horrible ! he has a breath like a bag. L. Wish. Well, Sir Rowland, you have the pipe.-Ay, ay, come, will you march, my Salopi- way-You are no novice in the labyrinth of love

-You have the clue-But, as I am a person, Sir Sir Wil. Lead on, little Tony.—I'll follow Rowland, you must not attribute my yielding to thee, my Anthony, my Tanthony : sirrah, thou any sinister appetite, or indigestion of widowshalt be my Tanthony, and I'll be thy pig. bood; nor impute my complacency to any lethar

gy of continence. I hope you do not think me -And a fig for your sultan and sophi.

prone to any iteration of nuptials(Excunt Sir WilFULL, Mr Wit. and Wuit. Far be it from mcFOIBLE.

L. Wish. If you do, I protest I must recedeL. Wish. This will never do. It will never or think that I have made a prostitution of demake a match-At least before he has becn corums; but in the ve'remence of compassion, abroad.

and to save the life of a person of so much im

WAITWELL enters disguised as for Sir Row- Wait. I esteem it so-

L. Wish. Or else you wrong my condescen-
Dear Sir Rowland, I am confounded with con- sion
fusion at the retrospection of my own rudeness. Wait. I do not, I do not-
- I have more pardons to ask than the pope dis-

L. Wish. Indeed

you do. tributes in the year of jubilee. But I hope where Wait. I do not, fair shrine of virtue. there is likely to be so near an alliance, we may L. Wish. If you think the least scruple of unbend the severity of decorum, and dispense nality was an ingredientwith a little ceremony.

Wait. Dear madam, no. You are all cam-
Wait. My impatience, madam, is the effect of phire and frankincense, all chastity and odour.
my transport ; and till í have the possession of L. Wish. Or that-
your adorable person, I am tantalized on the rack,

FO!ble enters.
and do but hang, madam, on the tenter of ex-

Foi. Madam, the dancers are ready, and there's
L. Wish. You have an excess of gallantry, Sir one with a letter, who must deliver it into your
Rowland, and press things to a conclusion with

own hands.





L. Wish. Sir Rowland, will you give me leave? | A woman's hand! The rascal writes a sort of a think favourably, judge candidly, and conclude large hand; your Roman hand-I saw there was you have found a person who would suffer racks a throat to be cut presently. If he were my son, in honour's cause, dear Sir Rowland, and will as he is my nephew, I'd pistol him. wait on you incessantly.


Foi. O, treachery! But are you sure, Sir RowWait. Fie, fie !-What a slavery have I un- land, it is his writing? dergone! Spouse, hast thou any cordial? I want Wait. Sure! Am I here? Do I live? Do I

love this pearl of India? I have twenty letters in Foi. What a washy rogue art thou, to pant my pocket from him, in the same character. thus for a quarter of an hour's lying and swear. L. Wish. How ! ing to a fine lady!

Foi. O, what luck it is, Sir Rowland, that Wuit. O, she is the antidote to desire. Spouse, you were present at this juncture! This was the thou wilt fare the worse fort; I shall have no apo business that brought Mr Mirabell disguised to petite to iteration of nuptials--this eight and for. Madam Millamant this afternoon. I thought ty hours. By this hand, I'd rather be a chair- something was contriving, when he stole by we, man in the dog-days, than act Sir Rowland till and would liave hid his face. this time to-morrow.

L. Wish. How, how - I heard the villain was

in the housc indeed ; and now I remember, my Lady WisuroRT enters, with a letter.

niece went away abruptly, when Sir Wilfull was L. Wish. Call in the dancers.—Sir Rowland, to have made his addresses. we'll sit, if you please, and see the entertain- Foi. Then, then, wadam, Mr Mirabell waited ment. (Dance.) Now, with your permission, Sir for her in her chamber; but I would not tell your Rowland, I will peruse my letter- I would open ladyship, to discompose you when you were to it in your presence, because I would not make receive Sir Rowland. you uneasy. If it should make you uneasy, I Wait. Enough: his date is short. would burn it: speak if it does—but you may Foi. No, good Sir Rowland, don't incur the see the superscription is like a woman's hand. law,

Foi. By Heaven! Mrs Marwood's. I know Wait, Law! I care not for law. I can but it.--My heart aches-get it from her- die, and 'tis in a good cause. My lady shall be

[To him. satisfied of my truth and innocence, though it ilait. A woman's hand ? No, madam, that's cost me my life. no woman's hand, I see that already. That's L. Wish. No, dear Sir Rowland, don't fight; somebody whose throat must be cut.

if you should be killed I must never shew my L. Wish Nay, Sir Rowland, since you give me face; or hang'd—0, consider my reputation, Sir a proof of your passion by your jealousy, I pro- Rowland- No, you sha'n't fight-I'll go in mise

you I'll make a return by a frank communi- and examine my niece; I'll make her confess. cation-You shall see it-we'll open it together I conjure you, Sir Rowland, by all your love, not -Look you here. [Reads.] “Madam, though un. to fight. known to you," (Look you there; 'tis from Wuit. I am charmed, madam; I obey. But nobody that I know.)" I have that honour for some proof you must let me give you ;-I'll go your character, that I think myself obliged to let for a black box, which contains the writings of you know you are abused. He who pretends my whole estate, and deliver that into your hands. to be Sir Rowland is a cheat and a rascal”- L. Wish. Ay, dear Sir Rowland, that will be 0, Heavens! what's this?

some comfort : bring the black box. Foi. Unfortunate! all's ruin'd!

Wait. And may I presume to bring a contract, WVuit. How, how ! let me see. let me see- to be signed this night? May I hope so far? (Reuding.j“A rascal, and disguised and suborn'd L. Wish. Bring what you will; but come alive, for that imposture". -0, villainy! O, villainy! pray come alive. O, this is a happy discovery. -“ By the contrivance of”

Wait. Dead or alive I'll come-and married L. Wish. I shall faint, I shall die, ho! we will be, in spite of treachery ; ay, and get an

Foi Say 'tis your nephew's hand.- -Quick- heir that shall defeat the last remaining glimpse ly:-his plot :-swear it, swear it.

of hope in my abandoned nephew. Come, my Wart. Here's a villain! madam, don't you per- buxom widow, ceive it; don't you see it? L. Wish. Too well, too well. I have seen too

Ere long you shall substantial proof receive much.

That I'm an arrant knightWait. I told you at first I knew the hand- Foi. Or arrant knave.




have been broker for you? What, have you made SCENE 1-Continues.

a passive bawd of me? This exceeds all prece

dent. I am brought to fine uses, to become a Lady WISHFORT und Foible.

botcher of second-hand marriages between Abigails L. Wish. Out of my house, out of my house, and Andrews! I'll couple you. Yes, I'll baste thou viper, thou serpent, that I have fostered; you together, you and your Philander. I'll Duke'sthou bosom traitress, that I raised from nothing Place you, as I'm a person. Your turtle is in -Be gone, be gone, be gone, go, go–That I took custody already : you shall coo in the same cage, from washing of old gauze, and weaving of dead | if there be a constable or warrant in the parish. hair, with a bleak blue nose, over a chaffing-dish

(Erit. of starved embers, and dining behind a traverse

Foi. O, that ever I was born! O, that I was rag, in a shop no bigger than a bird-cage- -go, ever married! A bride! Ay, I shall be a Bridewell go, starve again; do, do.

bride. Oh! Foi. Dear madam, I'll beg pardon on my knees.

Mrs FAINALL enters. L. Wish. Away, out, out, go set up for yourself again: Do drive a trade, do, with your three- Mrs Fain, Poor Foible, what's the matter? pennyworth of small ware, flaunting upon a pack. Foi. O, madam, my lady's gone for a constathread, under a brandy-seller's bulk, or against a ble; I shall be had to a justice, and put to Bridedead wall by a ballad-monger. Go, hang out an well to beat hemp; poor Waitwell's gone to priold frisoneer-gorget, with a yard of yellow Col- son already. berteen again; do; an old gnaw'd mask, two Mrs Fuin. Have a good heart, Foible; Mirarows of pins, and a child's fiddle; a glass neck- bell's gone to give security for him. This is all lace, with the beads broken, and a quilted night- Marwood's and my husband's doing. cap with one ear. Go, go, drive a trade.— These Foi. Yes, yes, I know it, madam ; she was in were your commodities, you treacherous trull ; my lady's closet, and overheard all that you said this was the merchandize you dealt in, when I to me before dinner. She sent the letter to my took you into my house,"placed you next myself, lady; and that missing effect, Mr Fainall laid and made you governante of my whole family. this plot to arrest Waitwell, when he pretended You have forgot this, have you, now you have to go for the papers; and in the mean time Mrs feathered your nest?

Marwood declared all to my lady. Foi. No, no, dear madam. Do but hear me; Mrs Fain. Was there no mention made of me have but a moment's patience I'll confess all. in the letter ?–My mother does not suspect my Mr Mirabell seduced me; I am not the first that being in the confederacy; I fancy Marwood has he has wheedled with his dissembling tongue; not told her, though she has told my husband. your ladyship's own wisdom has been deluded Foi. Yes, madam; but my lady did not see that by him; then how should I, a poor ignorant, de part: we stifled the letter before she read so far. fend myself? O, madam, if you knew but what Has that mischievous devil told Mr Fainall of he promised me, and how he assured me your your ladyship, then? ladyship should come to no damage-Or else the Mrs Fuin. Ay, all's out; my affair with Miwealth of the Indies should not have bribed me rabell, every thing discovered. This is the last to conspire against so good, so sweet, so kind a day of our living together, that's my comfort. lady as you have been to me.

Foi. Indeed, madam, and so 'tis a comfort, if L. Wish. No damage! What, to betray nie, you knew all-He has been even with your ladyand marry me to a cast serving-man; to make ship; which I could have told you long enough me a receptacle, an hospital for a decayed pimp? since, but I love to keep peace and quietness by No damage! 0! thou frontless impudence, more my good will : I had rather bring friends together, than a big-bellied actress.

than set them at distance. But Mrs Marwood Foi. Pray do but hear me, madam. He could and he are nearer related than ever their parents not marry your ladyship, madam-No, indeed, thought for. his marriage was to have been void in law; for be Mrs Fain. Say'st thou so, Foible? Canst thou was married to me first, to secure your ladyship. prove this? He could not have bedded your ladyship; for if Foi. I can take my oath of it, madam ; so can he had consummated with your ladyship, he must Mrs Mincing: we have had many a fair word have run the risk of the law, and been put up from Madam Marwood, to conceal something that on his clergy.--Yes, indeed, I inquired of the passed in our chamber one evening when we were law in that case, before I would meddle or make. at Hyde Park-and we were thought to have gone

L. Wish. What, then I have been your pro- a-walking : but we went up unawares—though perty, have 1? I have been convenient to you, it we were sworn to secrecy too: Madam Marwood seems-While you were catering for Mirabell, I took a book, and swore us upon it; but it was



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but a book of poems—So long as it was not a part with my plate and my jewels, acd ruin my Bible oath, we may break it with a safe conscience. niece, and all little enough.

Mrs Fain. This discovery is the most oppor- Mrs Fain. I am wronged and abused, and so tune thing I could wish.—Now, Mincing! are you. 'Tis a false accusation, as false as hell,

as false as your friend there, ay, or your friend's MINCING enters.

friend, my false husband. Minc. My lady would speak with Mrs Foible, Mrs Mur. My friend, Mrs Fainall? your hus

Mr Mirabell is with her; he has set your band my friend! what do you mean? spouse at liberty, Mrs Foible, and would have Mrs Fuin. I know what I mean, madam, and you hide yourself in my lady's closet, till my old so do your; and so shall the world, at a time conlady's anger is abated.' 0, 'my old lady is in a venient. perilous passion at something Mr Fainall bas Mrs Mar. I am sorry to see you so passionate, said ; he swears, and my old lady cries. There's madam. More temper would look more like ina fearful hurricane, I vow. He says, mem, how nocence. But I have done. I am sorry my that he'll have my lady's fortune made over to zeal to serve your ladyship and family should adhim, or he'll be divorced.

mit of misconstruction, or make me liable to afMrs Fain. Does your lady or Mirabell know fronts. You will pardon me, madam, if I medthat?

dle no more with an affair in which I am not Mine. Yes, mem, they have sent me to see if personally concerned. Sir Wilfull be sober, and to bring him to them. L. Wish. O, dear friend, I am so ashamed that My lady is resolved to have him, I think, rather you should meet with such returns.-You ought than lose such a vast sum as six thousand to ask pardon on your knees, ungrateful creapounds. O, come, Mrs Foible, I hear my old ture; she deserves more from you than all your lady.

life can accomplish.-0, don't leave me destitute Mrs Fain. Foible, you must tell Mincing that in this perplexity: no, stick to me, my good genius. she must prepare to vouch when I call her. Mrs Fain. I tell you, madam, you're abused Foi. Yes, yes, madam.

-Stick to you! ay, like a leech, to suck your Minc. O yes, mem, I'll vouch any thing for best blood-she'll drop off when she's full. Mayour ladyship’s service, be what it will.

dam, you sha'n't pawn a bodkin, nor part with a (Exeunt FOIBLE and MIncing. brass counter, in composition for me. I defy 'em

all. Let them prove their aspersions : I know Lady WISHFORT and Mrs MARWOOD enter.

my own innocence, and dare stand a trial. [Exit. L. Wish. O, my dear friend, how can I enu- L. Wish. Why, if she should be innocent, if merate the benefits that I have received from

she should be wronged after all, ha? I don't your goodness? To you I owe the timely dis- know what to think—and I promise you, her covery of the false vows of Mirabell ; to you cducation has been very unexceptionable—I may I owe the detection of the impostor Sir Row- say it; for I chiefly made it my own care to iniland; and now you are become an intercessor tiate her very infancy in the rudiments of virtue, with my son-in-law, to save the honour of my and to impress upon her tender years a young house, and compound for the frailties of myodium and aversion to the very sight of mendaughter. Well, friend, you are enough to re- ay, friend, she would ha’ shrieked if she had but concile me to the bad world, or else I would re- seen a man, till she was in her teens. As I'm a tire to deserts and solitudes, and feed harmless person, 'tis true-She was never suffered to play sheep by groves and purling streams. Dear Mar- with a male-child, though but in coats; nay, her wood, let us tcave the world, and retire by our- very babies were of the feminine gender.- -0, selves, and be shepherdesses.

she never looked a man in the face, but her own Mrs Mar. Let us first dispatch the affair in father, or the chaplain, and him we made a shift hand, madam. We shall have leisure to think

to put upon her for a woman, by the help of his of retirement afterwards. Here is one who is long garments and his sleek face, till she was concerned in the treaty.

going in her fifteen. L. Wish. O, daughter, daughter, is it possible Mrs Mar, 'T'was much she should be decei. thou shouldst be my chill, bone of my bone, and ved so long. flesh of my flesh, and, as I may say, another me, L. Wish. I warrant you, or she would never and yet transgress the minutest particle of severe have borne to have been catechized by him; and virtue? Is it possible you should lean aside to ini- have heard his long lectures against singing and quity, who have been cast in the direct mould of dancing, and such debaucheries; and going to virtue? I have not only been a mould, but a pat- filthy plays, and profane music-meetings, where tern for you, and a model for you, after you were the lewd trebles squeak nothing but bawdy, and brought into the world.

the basses roar blasphemy. O, she would have Mrs Fain. I don't understand your ladyship. swooned at the sight or name of an obscene play

L. Wish. Not understand! Why, have you not book-and can I think, after all this, that my been naught? have you not been sophisticated ? daughter can be naught? What, a whore ! and Not understand ! Here I am ruined, to compound thought it excommunication to set her foot with. for your caprices, and your cuckoldonis. I must in the door of a play-house. O, dear friend, I

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