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now, sir?


our feast?


K. Phy. Well, since alive Lardella's found, Smi. I suppose, Mr Bayes, this is the fierce hero Let in full bowls her health go round.

you spoke of. The two Usurpers take each of them a bowl in Bayes. Yes; but this is nothing: you shall see their hands.

him, in the last act, win above a dozen battles, one K Ush. But where's the wine?

after another, 'egad, as fast's they can possibly Pal. That shall be mine.

come upon the stage. Lo, from this conquering lance

John. That will be a sight worth the seeing, Does flow the purest wine of France :

indeed. [Fills the bowls out of her lance. Smi. But, pray, Mr Bayes, why do you make And, to appease your hunger, I

the kings let him use them so scurvily? Have in my helmet brought a pye:

Bayes. Pho! that is to raise the character of Lastly, to bear a part with these,

Drawcansir. Behold a buckler made of cheese.

John. O' my word, that was well thought on.

[Vanish PALLAS. Bayes. Now, sirs, I'll shew you a scene indeed, Bayes. There's the banquet. Are you satisfied or rather, indeed, the scene of scenes: 'tis an he

roic scene. John. By my troth, 110w, that is new, and more Smi. And pray, sir, what's your design in this than I expected.

Bayes. Yes, I knew this would please you ; Bayes. Why, sir, my design is gilded truncheons, for the chief art in poetry is, to elevate your ex- forced conceit, smooth verse, and a rant: in fine, pectation, and then bring you off some extraor- if this scene do not take, 'egad, I'll write no more. dinary way.

-Come, come in Mr-a-nay, come in as many

as you can.—Gentlemen, I must desire you to reEnter DRAWCANSIR.

move a little, for I must fill the stage. K. Phy. What man is this, that dares disturb Sm. Why fill the stage?

Buyes. O, sir, because your heroic verse never Draw. He that dares drink, and for that drink sounds well but when the stage is full.

dares die, And, knowing this, dares yet drink on, am I.

SCENE II. John. That is, Mr Bayes, as much as to say, that though he would rather die than not drink, Enter Prince PRETTYMAN and Prince Volyet he would fain drink, for all that, too. Bayes. Right; that's the conceit on't.

Nay, hold, hold; pray, by your leave a little. John. 'Tis a marvellous good one, I swear. Look you, sir; the drift of this scene is somewhat Bayes. Now, there are some critics that have

more than ordinary; for I make them both fallout, advised me to put out the second dure, and print because they are not in love with the same woman. must in the place on't ; but, 'egad, I think ’tis bet- Smi. Noi in love! you mean, I


beter thus, a great deal.

cause they are in love, Mr Bayes. John. Whoo! a thousand times.

Buyes. No, sir, I say, not in love : there's a new

I Bayes. Go on then.

conceit for you.--Now speak. K. Ush. Sir, if you please, we should be glad to Pret. Since Fate, Prince Volscius, now has

know How long you here will stay, how soon you'll go. For our so long’d-for meeting here this day,

Buyes. Is not that, now, like a well-bred person, Lend thy attention to my grand concern. 'egad? So modest, so gent!

Vol. I gladly would that story from thee learn. Smi. O! very like.

But thou to love dost, Pretty

man, incline; Draw. You shall not know how long I here Yet love in thy breast is not love in mine.

Bayes. Antithesis ! Thine and mine! But you shall know I'll take your bowls away. Pret. Since love itself's the same, why should (Snatches the boxols out of the Kings' hands, and

it be drinks them off.

Differing in you from what it is in me? Smi. But, Mr Bayes, is that, too, modest and Bayes. Reasoning! 'Egad, I love reasoning in Bayes. No, 'egad, sir, but 'tis great.

Vol. Love takes, camelion like, a various dye K. Ush. Though, brother, this grum stranger From every plant on which itself does lie. be a clown,

Bayes. Simile! He'll leave us, sure, a little to gulp down.

Pret. Let not thy love the course of nature Draw. Whoe'er to gulp one drop of this dares

fright; think,

Nature does most in harmony delight. I'll stare away his very power to drink.

Vol. How weak a deity would Nature prove, [The two Kings sneak off the stage, with their contending with the powerful god of love? Attendants.

Bayes. There's a great verse! I drink, I huff, I strut, look big, and stare ;

Vol. If incense thou wilt offer at the shrine And all this I can do, because I dare. (Exit. I Of mighty Love, burn it to none but mine ;

found the way


will stay ;






Her rosy lips eternal sweets exhale,

My better choice : for fair Parthenope, And her bright flames make all flames else look Gods would themselves ungod themselves, to see. pale.

Bayes. Now the rant's a-coming. Bayes. 'Egad, that is right.

Pret. Durst any of the gods be so uncivil, Pret. Perhaps dull incense may thy love suf- I'd make that god subscribe himself a devil. fice;

Bayes. Ah, gadzookers ! that's well writ! But mine must be adored with sacrifice:

(Scratching his head, his peruke falls off. All hearts turn ashes which her eyes controul; Vol. Couldst thou that god from heaven to The body they consume as well as soul.

earth translate, Vol. My love has yet a power more divine: He could not fear to want a heavenly state : Victims her altars burn not, but refine;

Parthenope on earth can heaven create. Amidst the flames they ne'er give up the ghost, Pret. Cloris does heaven itself so far excel, But with her looks revive still as they roast : She can transcend the joys of heaven in hell. In spite of pain and death, they're kept alive; Bayes. There's a bold flight for you now !-Her fiery eyes make 'em in fire survive.

S'death! I have lost my peruke.—Well,gentlemen, Bayes. That is as well, 'egad, as I can do. this is that I never yet saw any one could write Vol. Let my Parthenope at length prevail. but myself. Here's true spirit and flame all Bayes. Civil, 'egad.

through, 'egad.—So, so :-pray clear the stage. Pret. I'll sooner have a passion for a whale,

(He puts them off the stage. Io whose vast bulk tho' store of oil doth lie, John. I wonder how the coxcomb has got the We find more shape, more beauty in a fly. knack of writing smooth verse thus. Smi. That's uncivil, 'egad.

Smi. Why there's no need of brain for this; Bayes. Yes, but as far a fetch'd fancy, though, 'tis but scanning the labours on the finger; but ’eged, as e'er you saw.

where's the sense of it? Vol. Soft, Prettyman, let not thy vain pre- John. O! for that he desires to be excused; he tence,

is too proud a man to creep servilely after sense, Of perfect love, defame love's excellence : I assure you.--But pray, Mr Bayes, why is this Parthenope is, sure, as far above

scene all in verse ? All other loyes, as above all is love.

Buyes. O, sir, the subject is too great for prose. Bayes. Ah! 'egad, that strikes me.

Smi. Well said, i'faith: I'll give thee a pot of Pret. To blame my Cloris, gods would not pre- ale for that answer; 'tis well worth it. tend.

Buyes. Come, with all my heart.Bayes. Now mark.

P'll make that god subscribe himself a devil. Vol. Were all gods join'd, they could not hope That singleline,'egad, is worth all that my brother to mend

poets ever writ.-Let down the curtain. (Exeunt.

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K. Ush. Now, sir, to the business of the day.

K. Phy. Speak, Volscius.
BAYES and the two Gentlemen.

Vol. Ďread sovereign lords, my zeal to you Bayes. Now, gentlemen, I will be bold to say, must not invade my duty to your son: let me enI'll shew you the greatest scene that ever Eng. treat that great Prince Prettyman first do speak, land saw; I mean, not for words, for those I don't whose high pre-eminence, in all things that do bear value, but for state, shew, and magnificence : in the name of good, may justly claim that privilege. fine, I'll justify it to be as grand to the eye, every Buyes. Here it begins to unfold: you may whit, 'egad, as that great scene in Harry the Eight, perceive now that he is his son. and grander too, 'egad; for instead of two bishops, John. Yes, sir, and we are very much beholdI bring in here four cardinals.

en to you for that discovery. [The curtain is drawn up; the two usurping Pret. Royal father, upon my knees I beg

Kings appear in state, with the four Cardi- That the illustrious Volscius first be heard.
nals, Prince PRETTYMAN, Prince VOLSCIUS, Vol. That preference is only due to Amarillis,
before them ; Heralds and Serjeants-at-arms, Bayes. I'll make her speak very well by and
with maces.

by, you shall see. Smi. Mr Bayes, pray, what is the reason that two Ama. Invincible sovereigns- (Soft music. of the cardinals are in hats, and the other in caps ? K. Ush. But stay, what sound is this invades

Bayes. Why, sir, because -by gad, I won't our ears? tell you.

Your country friend, sir, grows so K. Phy. Sure, 'tis the music of the moving troublesome.


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and go away.

in green.

Pret. Behold, with wonder, yonder comes from 2d King. Now mortals, that hear far

How we tilt and career, A god-like cloud, and a triumphant car,

With wonder, will fear In which our two right kings sit one by one, The event of such things as shall never appear. With virgins' vests and laurel garlands on.

1st King. Stay you to fulfil what the gods have K. Ush.

Then, brother Phys, 'tis time we should decreed. be gone. [The two Usurpers steul out of the throne, 2d King. Then call me to help you, if there shall

be need. Bayes. Look you now, did not I tell you that 1st King. So firmly resolv'd is a true Brentford this would be as easy a change as the other?

king Smi. Yes, faith, you did so, tho', I confess, I To save the distressed, and help to 'em bring, could not believe you; but you have brought it That, ere a full pot of good ale you can swallow, about I see. [The two right Kings of Brentford He's here, with a whoop, and gone, with a halloo.

descend in the clouds, singing, in white gar- [BAYES fillips his finger, and sings after them. ments, and three Fiddlers sitting before them Bayes. He's here, with a whoop, and gone, with

a halloo.—This, sir, you must know, I thoughtonce Bayes. Now, because the two right kings de- to have brought in with a conjuror. scend from above, I make 'em sing to the tune John. Ay, that would have been better. and style of our modern spirits.

Bayes. No, faith, not wben you consider it; 1st King. Haste, brother king, we are sent from for thus it is more compendious, and does the above.

thing every whit as well. 2d King. Let us move, let us move;

Smi. Thing! what thing? Move, to remove the fate

Bayes. Why, bring 'em down again into the Of Brentford's long united state.

throne, sir :-What thing would you have ? 1st King. Tarra, tan, tarra!full east and by Smi: Well, but methinks the sense of this south.

song is not very plain. 2d King. We sail with thunder in our mouth. Bayes. Plain! Why, did you ever hear any In scorching noon-day, whilst the traveller stays, people in the clouds speak plain? They must be

Busy, busy, busy, busy, we bustle along, all for flight of fancy, at its full range, without Mounted upon warm Phæbus's rays,

the least check or controul upon it. When once Through the heavenly throng,

you tie up sprites and people in clouds to speak Hasting to those

plain, you spoil all. Who will feast us at night with a pig's petty Smi. Bless me, what a monster's this !

[The two Kings light out of the clouds, and step 1st King. And we'll fall with our plate

into the throne. In an olio of hate.

1st King. Come, now to serious council we'll 2d King. But, now supper's done, the servitors advance. try,

2d King. I do agree; but first, let's have a dance. Like soldiers, to storm a whole half-moon pye. Buyes. Right. You did that very well, Mr 1st King. They gather, they gather hot custards | Cartwright. ---But first, let's have a dance ! Pray in spoons:

remember that; be sure you do it always just so; But, alas ! I must leave these half-moons, for it must be done as if it were the effect of And repair to my trusty dragoons.

thought and premeditation.-But first, let's have 2d King. O! stay, for you need not as yet go a dance ! Pray remember that. astray ;

Smi. Well, I can hold no longer; I must gag The tide, like a friend, has brought ships in our this rogue; there's no enduring of him. way,

John. No, prythee make use of thy patience And on their high ropes we will play;

a little longer; let's see the end of him now. Like maggots in filberts, we'll snug in our shell,

[Dance a grand dance. We'll frisk in our shell,

Bayes. This, now, is an ancient dance, of right We'll firk in our shell,

belonging to the kings of Brentford, but since de And farewell.

rived, with a little alteration, to the inns of court. 1st King. But the ladies have all inclination to dance,

An Alarum. Enter two Heralds. And the green frogs croak out a coranto of 1st King. What saucy groom molests our priFrance.

vacies? Bayes. Is not that pretty now? The fiddlers are 1st Her. The army's at the door, and, in disguise,

Desires a word with both your majesties. Smi. Ay, but they play no coranto.

2d Her. Having from Knightsbridge hither John. No, but they play a tune that's a great march'd by stealth. deal better.

2d King. Bid 'em attend a while, and drink our Buyes. No coranto, quoth-a! That's a good health. one, with all my heart.---Come, sing on.

Smi. How, Mr Bayes ? the army in disguise !



all in green.


Bayes. Ay, sir, for fear the usurpers might dis- Smi. Yes, sir; but I think I should hardly swear cover them, that went out but just now. though, for all that.

Smi. Why, what if they had discover'd them? Bayes. By my troth, sir, but you would though, Bayes. Why, then they had broke the design. when you see it; for I make 'em both come out 1st King. Here, take five guineas for those war- in armour, cap-a-pée, with their swords drawn, like men.

and hung with a scarlet riband at their wrists 2d King. And here's five more, that makes the (which, you know, represents fighting enough.) sum just ten.

John. Ay, ay; so much, that, if I were in your 1st Her. We have not seen so much the Lord place, I would make 'em go out again without knows when.

(Ereunt Heralds. ever speaking one word. 1st King. Speak on, brave Amarillis.

Bayes. No, there you are out; for I make Ama. Invincible sovereigns, blame not my mo- each of 'em hold a lute in his hand. desty,

Smi. How, sir ? instead of a buckler? If, at this grand conjuncture

Buyes. O Lord! O Lord ! instead of a buckler! [Drum beats behind the stage. Pray, sir, do you ask no more questions. I make Ist King. What dreadful noise is this that comes 'em, sir, play the battle in recitativo. And here's and goes?

the conceit. Just at the very same instant that

one sings, the other, sir, recovers you his sword, Enter a Soldier, with his sword drawn.

and puts himself in a warlike posture, so that Sol, Haste hence, great sirs, your royal persons you have at once your ear entertained with musave,

sic and good language, and your eye satisfied For the event of war no mortal knows: with the garb and accoutrements of war. The army, wrangling for the gold you gave, Smi. I confess, sir, you stupify me. First fell to words, and then to handy-blows. Bayes. You shall see.

(Exit. John. But, Mr Bayes, might not we have a litBuyes. Is not that, now, a pretty kind of a tle fighting for I love those plays where they stanza, and a handsome come off?

cut and slash one another upon the stage, for a 2d King. O, dangerous estate of sovereign power! whole hour together. Obnoxious to the change of every hour.

Bayes. Why, then, to tell you true, I have con1st King. Let us for shelter in our cabinet stay; trived it both ways. But you shall have my rePerhaps these threatening storms may pass away. citativo first.

[Exeunt. John. Ay, now you are right; there is nothing, John. But, Mr Bayes, did not you promise us, then, can be objected against it. just now, to make Amarillis speak very well. Bayes. True; and so, 'egad, I'll make it, too, a

Bayes. Ay, and so she would have done, but tragedy, in a trice. that they hinder'd her. Smi. How, sir; whether you would or no ?

Enter, at several doors, the General and LieuteBayes. Ay, sir, the plot lay so, that, I vow to

nunt-General, armed cup-a-pée, with each of them gad, it was not to be avoided.

a lule in his hand, and his sword drawn, and Smi. Marry, that was hard.

hung with a scarlet riband at his wrist. John. But pray, who hinder'd her?

Lieut.-Gen. Villain, thou liest. Bayes. Why, the battle, sir, that's just coming Gen. Arm, arın, Gonsalvo, arm. What! ho! in at the door : and I'll tell you now a strange | The lie no flesh can brook, I trow. thing, tho' I don't pretend to do more than other Lieut.-Gen. Advance from Acton with the men, 'egad,—I'll give you both a whole week to

musqueteers. guess how I'll represent this battle.

Gen. Draw down the Chelsea cuirassiers. Smi. I had rather be bound to fight your Lieut.-Gen. The band you boast of, Chelsea battle, I assure you, sir.

cuirassiers, Bayes. Whoo! there's it now:--fight a battle! Shall

, in my Putney pikes, now meet their peers. there's the common error. I knew presently Gen. Cheswickians, aged, and renowned in fight, where I should have you. Why, pray, sir, do but Join with the Hammersmith brigade. tell me this one thing:

-Can you think it a decent Lieut.-Gen. You'll find my Mortlake boys will thing, in a battle before ladies, to have men run

do them right, their swords through one another, and all that? Unless by Fulham numbers over-laid. John. No, faith, 'tis not civil.

Gen. Let the left wing of Twick’n’am foot adBayes. Right. On the other side, to have a

vance, long relation of squadrons here, and squadrons And line that castern hedge. there, what is it but dull prolixity?

Lieut.-Gen. The horse I raised in Petty France John. Excellently reasoned, by my troth ! Shall try their chance,

Bayes. Wherefore, sir, to avoid both those in- And scour the meadows, overgrown with,sedge. decorums, I sum up my whole battle in the re- Gen. Stand: give the word. presentation of two persons only, no more, and Lieul.-Gen. Bright sword. yet so lively, that, I vow to gad, you would swear Gen. That may be thine, ten thousand men were at it, really engaged. But 'tis not mine. Do you mark me?


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Lieut.-Gen. Give fire, give fire, at once give fire, Bayes. Yes, it has fancy in't. And then, sir, and let those recreant troops perceive mine ire. that there may be something in't too of joke, I John. Pursue, pursue: they fly,

bring 'em all in singing, and make the moon sell That first did give the lie.

[Exeunt. the earth a bargain.-Come, come out Eclipse, to Bayes. This, now, is not improper, I think; be the tune of Tom Tyler. cause the spectators know all these towns, and

Enter LUNA. may easily conceive them to be within the dominions of the two kings of Brentford.

Luna. Orbis, O Orbis ! John. Most exceeding well designed !

Come to me, thou little rogue, Orbis. Bayes. How do you think I have contrived to

Enter the Earth. give a stop to this battle ? Smi. How?

Orb. Who calls Terra Firma, pray ? Bayes. By an eclipse ; which, let me tell you, Luna. Luna, that ne'er shines by day. is a kind of fancy that was yet never so much as Orb. What means Luna in a veil ? thought of but by myself, and one person more, Luna. Luna means to shew her tail. that shall be naineless.

Bayes. There's the bargain.
Enter Lieutenant-General.

Enter Sol, to the tune of Robin Hood. Lieut.-Gen. What midnight darkness does in. Sol. Fie, sister, fie; thou mak'st me muse, vade the day,

Derry, derry down, And snatch the victor from his conquered prey ? To see thee Orb abuse. Is the sun weary of his bloody fight,

Lunu. I hope his anger 'twill not move, And winks upon us with the eye of light? Since I shewed it out of love. 'Tis an eclipse. This was unkind, O moon !

Hey down, derry down. To clap between me and the sun so soon.

Orb. Where shall I thy true love know,
Foolish eclipse; thou this in vain hast done; Thou pretty, pretty moon ?
My brighter honour had eclipsed the sun:

Luna. To-morrow, soon, ere it be noon,
But now behold eclipses two in one. (Erit. On Mount Vesuvio.

[Bis. John. This is an admirable representation of a Sol. Then I will shine. battle, as ever I saw.

[To the tune of Trenchmore. Bayes. Ay, sir. But how would you fancy to Orb. And I will be fine. represent an eclipse?

Luna. And I will drink nothing but Lippary wine. Smi. Why, that's to be supposed.

Omnes. And we, &c. Bayes. Supposed ! Ay, you are ever at your

[As they dance the hey, Bayes speaks. suppose; ha, ha, ha! Why, you may as well sup- Bayes. Now the earth’s before the moon; now pose the whole play. No, it must come in upon the moon's before the sun: there's the eclipse the stage, that's certain, but in some odd way, again. that may delight, amuse, and all that. I have a Smi. He's mightily taken with this, I see. conceit for't, that, I am sure, is new, and, I believe, John. Ay, 'tis so extraordinary, how can he to the purpose.

choose? John. How's that?

Buyes. So, now, vanish Eclipse, and enter t’other Bayes. Why, the truth is, I took the first hint battle, and fight. Here now, if I am not mistaof this out of a dialogue between Phæbus and ken, you will see fighting enough. Aurora, in the Slighted Maid, which, by my troth, (A battle is fought between foot and great hobwas very pretty ; but, I think, you'll confess this by-horses. At lust, DRAWCANSIR comes in, is a little better.

and kills them all on both sides. All this John. No doubt on't, Mr Bayes, a great deal while the battle is fighting, Bayes is telling better.

them when to shout, and shouts with them. [BAYES hugs Johnsox, then turns to Smith. Drar. Others may boast a single man to kill, Bayes

. Ah, dear rogue ! Bit-a-sir, you have But I the blood of thousands daily spill. heard, I suppose, that your eclipse of the moon Let petty kings the name of parties know: is nothing else but an interposition of the earth Wliere'er I come I slay both friend and foe : between the sun and moon; as, likewise, your The swiftest horsemen my swift rage controuls, eclipse of the sun is caused by an interlocation And from their bodies drives their trembling souls: of the moon betwixt the earth and the sun ? If they had wings, and to the gods could fly,

Smi. I have hcard some such thing indeed. I would pursue, and beat them through the sky,

Bayes. Well, sir, then what do I, but make the And make proud Jove, with all his thunder, see earth, sun, and moon, come out upon the stage, This single arm more dreadful is than he. (Exit. and dance the hey: hum; and, of necessity, by Buyes. There's a brave fellow for you now, the very nature of this dance, the earth must be sirs. You may talk of your Hectors, and Achilsometimes between the sun and the moon, and leses, and I know not who, but I defy all your histhe moon between the earth and sun; and there tories, and your romances too, to shew me one you have both your eclipses by demonstration. such conqueror as this Drawcansir. John. That must needs be very fine, truly.

John. I swear, I think you may.

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