The Modern British Drama: Comedies

Here's damask come to make you a suit.

Sub. Where's Drugger?

Face. We are undone, and taken.
Dol. Lost, I'm afraid.

Sub. You said he would not come,

While there died one a-weck within the liberties. Face. No: 'Twas within the walls.

Sub. Was't so? Cry you mercy :

Face. He is gone to borrow me a Spanish | I thought the liberties. What shall we do now, habit;

I'll be the count now.

Sub. But where's the widow?

Face?

Face. Be silent: not a word, if he call, or knock;

Face. Within, with my lord's sister: madam I'll into mine old shape again, and meet him,

Let Mammon's brass and pewter keep the cellar:

Face. Strict for my right. How now, Dol, We'll have another time for that. But, Dol,

LOVE-WIT and Neighbours.

Love. Has there been such resort, say you? 1 Neigh. Daily, sir.

2 Neigh. And nightly too.

3 Neigh. Ay, some as brave as lords.

4 Neigh. Ladies and gentlewomen.

5 Neigh. Citizens' wives.

1 Neigh. And knights.

6 Neigh. In coaches.

2 Neigh. Yes, and oyster-women.

1 Neigh. Besides other gallants.

3 Neigh. Sailors' wives.

4 Neigh. Tobacco-men.

5 Neigh. Another Pimlico!

Love. What should my knave advance,

To draw this company? he hung out no banners
Of a strange calf with five legs to be seen?
Or a huge lobster, with six claws?

6 Neigh. No, sir.

3 Neigh. We had gone in, then, sir.
Love. He has no gift

Of teaching i' the nose that c'er I knew of!
You saw no bills set up that promised cure
Of agues, or the tooth-ache?'

2 Neigh. No such thing, sir.

Love. Nor heard a drum strook for baboons or puppets?

5 Neigh. Neither, sir.

Love. What device should he bring forth now! I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment. Pray God he ha' not kept such open house, That he hath sold my hangings and my bedding : I left him nothing else. If he have eat 'em, A plague o' the mouth, say I. Sure he has got Some bawdy pictures to call all this ging; The friar and the nun; or the new motion Of the knight's courser covering the parson's

Or't may be, he has the fleas that run at tilt
Upon a table, or some dog to dance:
When saw you him?

1 Neigh. Who, sir, Jeremy?
2 Neigh. Jeremy Butler?
We saw him not this month.
Love. How!

4 Neigh. Not these five weeks, sir. Neigh. These six weeks, at the least. Love. You 'maze me, neighbours !

5 Neigh. Sure, if your worship know not where he is,

He's slipt away.

6 Neigh. Pray God he be not made away! Love. Ha? It's no time to question, then. 6 Neigh. About Some three weeks since, I heard a doleful cry, [He knocks. As I sat up a-mending my wife's stockings. Love. This is strange, that none will answer! did'st thou hear

A cry, say'st thou?

6 Neigh. Yes, sir, like unto a man

That had been strangled an hour, and could not speak.

2 Neigh. I heard it too, just this day three weeks, at two o'clock

Next morning.

Love. These be miracles, or you make 'em so. A man an hour strangled, and could not speak, And you both heard him cry!

3 Neigh. Yes, downward, sir.

Face. Purposing then, sir,

T'have burnt rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar,
And ha' made it sweet, that you should ne'er ha'
known it:

Because I knew the news would but afflict you, sir.
Love. Breathe less, and farther off. Why, this is
stranger!

The neighbours tell me all, here, that the doors
Have still been open→→

Face. How, sir!

Love. Gallants, men and women,

And of all sorts, tag rag, been seen to flock here
In threaves, these ten weeks, as to a second
Hogsden,

In days of Pimlico and Eye-bright!

Face. Sir, their wisdoms will not say so!
Love. To-day they speak

Of coaches and gallants; one in a French hood
Went in, they tell me; and another was seen
In a velvet gown at the window! divers more
Pass in and out.

Face. They did pass through the doors then, Or walls, I assure their eyesights and their spectacles;

For here, sir, are the keys, and here have been,
In this my pocket, now, above twenty days!
And for before, I kept the fort alone there.
But that 'tis yet not deep i' the afternoon,
I should believe my neighbours had seen double
Through the black-pot, and made these appari-
tions;

Love. Thou art a wise fellow give me thy For, on my faith to your worship, for these three

hand, I pray thee.

What trade art thou on?

3 Neigh. A smith, an't please your worship. Love. A smith? then lend me thy help to get

this door open.

3 Neigh. That I will, presently, sir; but fetch my tools

1 Neigh. Sir, best to knock again afore you

break it.

SCENE II.

LOVE-WIT, FACE, and Neighbours.

Love. I will.

Face. What mean you, sir?
1,2, 4 Neigh. O, here's Jeremy!
Face. Good sir, come from the door.
Love. Why! what's the matter?

Face. Yet farther, you are too near yet.
Love. I' the name of wonder,
What means the fellow?

Face. The house, sir, has been visited.
Love. What? with the plague? Stand thou,
then, farther.

Face. No, sir; I had it not.
Love. Who had it, then? I left
None else but thee i' the house!
Face. Yes, sir, my fellow,

The cat, that keeps the buttery, had it on her
A week before I spied it: but I got her
Conveyed away i' the night. And so I shut
The house up for a month-

Love. How!

weeks,

And upwards, the door has not been opened.
Love. Strange!

1 Neigh. Good faith, I think I saw a coach!
2 Neigh. And I too, I'd ha' been sworn!
Love. Do you but think it now?

And but one coach?

4 Neigh. We cannot tell, sir: Jeremy Is a very honest fellow.

Face. Did you see me at all?

1 Neigh. No, that we are sure on.
2 Neigh. I'll be sworn o' that.

Love. Fine rogues to have your testimonies
built on!

3 Neigh. Is Jeremy come?

1 Neigh. O, yes, you may leave

We were deceived, he says.

2 Neigh. He has had the keys:

your tools,

And the doors have been shut these three weeks.
3 Neigh. Like enough.

Love. Peace, and get hence, you changelings.
And Mammon made acquainted? they'll tell all.
Face. Surly come !
How shall I beat them off? what shall I do?
Nothing's more wretched than a guilty conscience.

SCENE III.

SURLY, MAMMON, LOVE-WIT, FACE, Neigh-
bours, KASTRIL, ANANIAS, TRIBULATION,
DAPPER, and SUBTLE.

Sur. No, sir, he was a great physician. This,
It was no bawdy-house, but a mere chancel.

open.

Love. What means this?

Face. I cannot tell, sir.

1 Neigh. These are two o' the gallants That we do think we saw.

Face. Two e' the fools;

You talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir,
I think the moon has crazed 'em all! O me,
The Angry Boy come too! he'll make a noise,
And ne'er away till he have betrayed us all.
Kast. What, rogues, bawds, slaves, you'll open
the door anon,
Punk, cockatrice, my sister.

I'll fetch the marshal to you.
To keep your castle-

By this light,

[KAST. knocks.

You are a whore,

Face. Who would you speak with, sir? Kast. The bawdy doctor, and the cozening captain,

And puss, my sister.

Love. This is something, sure!

Trib. You shall do well.

Ana. We'll join to weed them out.

Kast. You will not come, then. Punk, device, my sister!

Ana. Call her not sister. She is a harlot, verily. Kast. I'll raise the street.

Love. Good gentlemen, a word.

Ana. Satan, avoid, and hinder not our zeal.
Love. The world's turned bet❜lem.

Face. These are all broke loose,

Out of St Katherine's, where they use to keep The better sort of mad folks.

1 Neigh. All these persons We saw go in and out here. 2 Neigh. Yes, indeed, sir.

3 Neigh. These were the parties.
Face. Peace, you drunkards! Sir,

I wonder at it! Please you to give me leave
To touch the door, I'll try an' the lock be changed.

Illusions, some spirit o' the air:his gag is melted, And now he sets out the throat.

Dap. I am almost stifled.

Face. Would you were altogether.
Lone. 'Tis i' the house. Ha! list!
Face. Believe it, sir, i' the air.
Love. Peace, you-

Dap. Mine aunt's grace does not use me well.
Sub. You fool, peace, you'll mar all.

Face. Or you will else, you rogue.

Love. O, is it so? then you converse with spirits!

Come, sir. No more o' your tricks, good Jeremy, The truth, the shortest way.

Face. Dismiss this rabble, sir. What shall I do? I am catched. Love. Good neighbours,

I thank you all. You may depart. Come, sir,
You know that I am an indulgent master:
And therefore conceal nothing. What's your
med'cine

To draw so many several sorts of wild fowl? Face. Sir, you were wont to affect mirth and wit:

But here's no place to talk on't i' the street.
Give me but leave to make the best of my fortune,
And only pardon me the abuse of your house:
It's all I beg; I'll help you to a widow,

In recompence, that you shall gi' me thanks for,
Will make you seven years younger, and a rich

your grace.

Dol. Nephew, we thought to have been angry with you:

But that sweet face of yours hath turned the tide, And made it flow with joy, that ebbed of love. Arise, and touch our velvet

gown. Sub. The skirts, and kiss 'em. So. Dol. Let me now stroke that head; Much, nephew, shalt thou win; much shalt thou spend;

Much shalt thou give away; much shalt thou lend. Sub. Ay, much indeed. Why do you not thank her grace?

Dap. I cannot speak for joy.
Sub. See, the kind wretch!
Your grace's kinsman right.
Dol. Give me the bird.

Here is your fly in a purse about your neck, cousin;
Wear it, and feed it about this day seʼenight,
On your right wrist-

Sub. Open a vein with a pin,

And let it suck but once a week; till then,
You must not look on't.

Dol. No; and, kinsman,

Bear yourself worthy of the blood you come on. Sub. Her grace would ha' you eat no more Wool-sack pies,

Nor Dagger frume'ty.

Dol. Nor break his fast

In heaven and hell.

Sub. She's with you everywhere!

Nor play with costermongers at mum-chance, tray-trip.

God make you rich, (when, as your aunt has done it :) but keep

The gallant'st company, and the best gamesDap. Yes, sir.

Sub. Gleek and primero: and what you get,

be true to us.

Dap. By this hand, I will.

Sub. You may bring's a thousand pound

Before to-morrow night, (if but three thousand
Be stirring) an' you will,

Dap. I swear I will, then.
Sub. Your fly will learn you
Face. Ha' you done there?

all games.

Sub. Your grace will command him no more duties?

Face. And how do you

The Lady Pliant?

Dol. A good dull innocent.

Sub. Here's your Hieronimo's cloak and hat.
Face. Give me 'em.

Sub. And the ruff too?

Face. Yes, I'll come to you presently.
Sub. Now he is gone about his project, Dol,

I told you of, for the widow.

Dol. 'Tis direct

Against our articles.

Sub. Well, we'll fit him, wench.

Hast thou gull'd her of her jewels, or her bracelets?

Dol. No, but I will do't.

Sub. Soon at night, my Dolly,

When we are shipt, and all our goods aboard,
Eastward for Ratcliff; we will turn our course
To Brainford, westward, if thou sayʼst the word:
And take our leaves of this o'erweening rascal,
This peremptory Face.

Dol. Content, I'm weary of him.

Sub. Thou hast cause, when the slave will run a wiving, Dol,

Against the instrument that was drawn between

Dol. Yes.

Sub. My fine flitter-mouse!

My bird of the night! we'll tickle it at the Pi

geons,

When we have all, and may unlock the trunks,
And say, this's mine, and thine, and thire, and

mine

Face. What now, a billing?

Sub. Yes, a little exalted

[They kiss.

In the good passage of our stock-affairs.

And girdles, and hangers?
Sub. Here, i' the trunk,
And the bolts of lawn.

Face. Is Drugger's damask there?
And the tobacco?

Sub. Yes.

Face. Give me the keys.

Dol. Why you the keys?

Sub. No matter, Dol; because

We shall not open 'em before he comes.

Face. 'Tis true, you shall not open them,

indeed:

Nor have 'em forth. Do you see? Not forth, Dol.
Dol. No!

Face. No, my smock-rampant.-The right is,
my master

Knows all, has pardon'd me, and he will keep'em.
Doctor, 'tis true, you look, for all your figures:
I sent for him, indeed. Wherefore, good partners,
Both he and she, be satisfied: For, here
Determines the Indenture tripartite

Face. Drugger has brought his parson; take 'Twixt Subtle, Dol, and Face! All I can do

him in, Subtle,

And send Nab back again to wash his face.
Sub. I will: And shave himself?
Face. If you can get him.

Dol. You are hot upon it, Face, whate'er it is!
Face. A trick, that Dol shall spend ten pound
a month by.

Is he gone?

Sub. The chaplain waits you i̇' the hall, sir.
Face. I'll go bestow him.

Dol. He'll now marry her instantly.

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