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CH A P. IX.
DIRECTIONS to the WAITING-MAID.
WO Accidents have happened to lessen
the Comforts and Profits of ployment. First
, that execrable Custom got among Ladies, of trucking their old Cloaths for China, or turning them to cover eafy Chairs, or making them into Patch-work for Screens, Stools, Cushions, and the like. The second, is, the Invention of small Chests and Trunks, with Lock and Key, wherein they keep the Tea and Sugar, without which it is impossible for a Waiting-maid to live ; for, by this Means, you are forced to buy brown Sugar, and
pour Water upon the Leaves, when they have lost all their Spirit and Taste. I cannot contrive any perfect Remedy against either of these two Evils. As to the former, I think there should be a general Confederacy of all the Servants in every Family, for the publick Good, to drive those China Hucksters from the Doors; and, as to the latter, there is no other Method to relieve yourselves, but by a false Key, which is a Point both difficult and dangerous to compass; but, as to the Circumstance of Honesty in procuring one, I am under no Doubt, when your Mistress giveth you so just a Provocation, by refusing you an ancient and legal Perquisite. The Mistress of the Tea-shop may now and
then give you half an Ounce, but that will be only a Drop in the Bucket; therefore, I fear you must be forced, like the rest of your Sifters, to run in Trust, and pay for it out of your Wages, as far as they will
you can easily make
your Lady be handsome, or the Daughters have good Fortunes.
If you are in a great Family, and my Lady's Woman, my Lord may probably like you, although you are not half so handsome as his own Lady. In this Case, take Care to get as much out of him as you can; and never allow him the smallest Liberty, not the squeezing of your Hand, unless he putteth a Guinea into it; fo, by Degrees, make him pay accordingly for every new Attempt, doubling upon him in Proportion to the Concessions you allow, and always struggling, and threatening to cry out, or tell your Lady, although you receive his Money. Five Guineas, for handling your Breast, is a cheap Pennyworth, although you seem to resist with all your Might; but never allow hin
Guineas, or a Settlement of twenty Pounds a • Year for Life.
In such a Family, if you are handsome, you will have the Choice of three Lovers; the Chaplain, the Steward, and my Lord's Gentleman. I would first advise you to chuse the Steward; but, if you happen to be Child by my Lord, you must take up with the
Chaplain. I like my Lord's Gentleman the least of the three; for, he is usually vain and Saucy from the Time he throweth off his Livery; and, if he misseth a pair of Colours, or a Tide-waiter's Place, he hath no Remedy but the Highway.
I must caution you particularly against my Lord's eldest Son: If you are dextrous enough, it is odds that you may draw him in to marry you, and make you a Lady. If he be a common Rake, or a Fool, (and he must be one or the other) but, if the former, avoid him like Satans for he standeth less in Awe of a Mother, than my Lord doth of a Wife; and, after ten thousand Promises, you
get nothing from him, but a big Belly, or a Clap, and probably both together.
When your Lady is ill, and, after a very bad Night, is getting a little Nap in the Morning, if a Footman cometh with a Message to enquire how she doth, do not let the Compliment be lost, but shake her gently until The awakes ; then deliver the Meffage, receive her Answer, and leave her to sleep.
If you are so happy as to wait on a young Lady with a great Fortune, you must be an ill Manager, if
you cannot get five or fix hundred Pounds for disposing of her. Put her often in mind, that there is no real Happiness but in Love; that she hath Liberty to chufe where ever she pleaseth, and not by the Direction of Parents, who never give Allowances for an innocent Paffion; that there are a World
of handsome, fine, sweet, young Gentlemen in Town, who would be glad to die at her Feet'; that the Conversation of two Lovers is an Heaven upon Earth' ; that Love, ' like Death, equalleth all Conditions ; that, if she should cast her Eyes upon a young Fellow below her in Birth and Estate, his marrying her, would make him a Gentleman ; that
faw Yefterday on the Mall, the prettiest Ensign; and, that if you had forty thousand Pounds, it should be at his Service. Take Care that every Body should know what Lady you live with ; how great a Favourite you are ; and, that she always taketh your Advice. Go often to St. James's Park, the fine Fellows will foon discover you, and contrive to slip a Letter into your
Sleeve, or your Bofom; pull it out in a Fury, and throw it on the Ground, unless you find at least two Guineas along with it; but, in that Cafe, seem not to find it, and to think he was only playing the Wag with
you come home, drop the Letter, çarelessly, in your Lady's Chamber ; fhe findeth it, is angry; protest you know nothing of it, only you remember, that a Gentleman in the Park ftruggled to kiss
believe it was he that put the Letter into your Sleeve, or Pettycoat; and, indeed, he was as pretty a Man as ever she saw ; that she may burn the Letter if the pleaseth. If your Lady be wise, she will burn some other Paper before you, and read the Letter when you are gone down. You must Vol. VIII.
follow this Practice as often as you safely can ; but, let him who payeth you best with every Letter, be the handsomest Man. If a Footman presumeth to bring a Letter to the House, to be delivered to you, for your Lady, although it come from your best Customer, throw it at his Head, call him impudent Rogue and Villain, and shut the Door in his Face ; run up to your Lady, and, as a Proof of your Fidelity, tell her what
have done. I could enlarge very much upon this Subject, but I trust to your own Discretion.
If you serve a Lady who is a little disposed to Gallantries, you will find it a Point of great Prudence how to manage. Three Things are necessary. First, how to please your Lady ; secondly, how to prevent Suspicion in the Husband, or among the Family; and, lastly, but principally, how to make it most for your own Advantage. To give you full Directions in this important Affair, would require a large Volume. All Affignations at home are dangerous, both to your Lady and yourself; and therefore contrive, as much as possible, to have them in a third Place, especially, if Lady, as it is an hundred odds, entertaineth more Lovers than one, each of whom is often more jealous than a thousand Husbands; and, very unlucky Rencounters may often happen under the best Management. I need not warn you to employ your good Offices chiefly in favour of those, whom you find most liberal;