CHA P. IX.

DIRECTIONS to the WAITING-MAID.

T

WO Accidents have happened to leffen the Comforts and Profits of your Employment. First, that execrable Custom got among Ladies, of trucking their old Cloaths for China, or turning them to cover eafy Chairs, or making them into Patch-work for Screens, Stools, Cushions, and the like. The fecond, is, the Invention of small Chests and Trunks, with Lock and Key, wherein they keep the Tea and Sugar, without which it is impoffible for a Waiting-maid to live; for, by this Means, you are forced to buy brown Sugar, and pour Water upon the Leaves, when they have loft all their Spirit and Tafte. I cannot contrive any perfect Remedy against either of these two Evils. As to the former, I think there fhould be a general Confederacy of all the Servants in every Family, for the publick Good, to drive thofe China Hucksters from the Doors; and, as to the latter, there is no other Method to relieve yourselves, but by a false Key, which is a Point both difficult and dangerous to compafs; but, as to the Circumftance of Honesty in procuring one, I am under no Doubt, when your Mistress giveth you so just a Provocation, by refufing you an ancient and legal Perquifite. The Mistress of the Tea-fhop may now and

then

a

then give you half an Ounce, but that will be only a Drop in the Bucket; therefore, I fear you must be forced, like the reft of your Sifters, to run in Truft, and pay for it out of your Wages, as far as they will go, which you can eafily make up other ways, if your Lady be handsome, or the Daughters have good

Fortunes.

If you are in a great Family, and my Lady's Woman, my Lord may probably like you, although you are not half fo handsome as his own Lady. In this Cafe, take Care to get as much out of him as you can; and never allow him the smallest Liberty, not the squeezing of your Hand, unless he putteth a Guinea into it; fo, by Degrees, make him pay accordingly for every new Attempt, doubling upon him in Proportion to the Conceffions you allow, and always struggling, and threatening to cry out, or tell your Lady, although you receive his Money. Five Guineas, for handling your Breast, is a cheap Pennyworth, although you seem to refift with all your Might; but never allow him the laft Favour under an hundred Guineas, or a Settlement of twenty Pounds a Year for Life.

In fuch a Family, if you are handsome, you will have the Choice of three Lovers ; the Chaplain, the Steward, and my Lord's Gentleman. I would firft advise you to chufe the Steward; but, if you happen to be young with Child by my Lord, you must take up with the

Chaplain,

Chaplain. I like my Lord's Gentleman the leaft of the three; for, he is ufually vain and faucy from the Time he throweth off his Livery; and, if he miffeth a Pair of Colours, or a Tide-waiter's Place, he hath no Remedy but the Highway.

I must caution you particularly against my Lord's eldest Son: If you are dextrous enough, it is odds that you may draw him in to marry you, and make you a Lady. If he be a common Rake, or a Fool, (and he must be one or the other) but, if the former, avoid him like Satan ; for he ftandeth lefs in Awe of a Mother, than my Lord doth of a Wife; and, after ten thousand Promises, you will get nothing from him, but a big Belly, or a Clap, and probably both together.

When your Lady is ill, and, after a very bad Night, is getting a little Nap in the Morning, if a Footman cometh with a Message to enquire how the doth, do not let the Compliment be loft, but shake her gently until the awakes; then deliver the Meffage, receive her Answer, and leave her to fleep.

If you are so happy as to wait on a young Lady with a great Fortune, you must be an ill Manager, if you cannot get five or fix hundred Pounds for difpofing of her. Put her often in mind, that there is no real Happiness but in Love; that fhe hath Liberty to chuse where ever the pleaseth, and not by the Direction of Parents, who never give Allowances for an innocent Paffion; that there are a World

of

of handsome, fine, sweet, young Gentlemen in Town, who would be glad to die at her Feet; that the Converfation of two Lovers is an Hea

you,

ven upon Earth ; that Love, like Death, equalleth all Conditions; that, if the should cast her Eyes upon a young Fellow below her in Birth and Estate, his marrying her, would make him a Gentleman; that you faw Yefterday on the Mall, the prettieft Enfign; and, that if you had forty thoufand Pounds, it fhould be at his Service. Take Care that every Body should know what Lady you live with; how great a Favourite you are; and, that she always taketh your Advice. Advice. Go often to St. James's Park, the fine Fellows will foon discover and contrive to flip a Letter into your Sleeve, or your Bofom; pull it out in a Fury, and throw it on the Ground, unless you find at least two Guineas along with it; but, in that Cafe, feem not to find it, and to think he was only playing the Wag with you. When you come home, drop the Letter, carelessly, in your Lady's Chamber; fhe findeth it, is angry; proteft you know nothing of it, only you remember, that a Gentleman in the Park ftruggled to kifs you, and you believe it was he that put the Letter into your Sleeve, or Pettycoat; and, indeed, he was as pretty a Man as ever fhe faw ; that she may burn the Letter if she pleafeth. If your Lady be wife, fhe will burn fome other Paper before you, and read the Letter when you are gone down. You must VOL. VIII. follow

H

follow this Practice as often as you fafely can; but, let him who payeth you best with every Letter, be the handsomest Man. If a Footman prefumeth to bring a Letter to the House, to be delivered to you, for your Lady, although it come from your best Customer, throw it at his Head, call him impudent Rogue and Villain, and shut the Door in his Face; run up to your Lady, and, as a Proof of your Fidelity, tell her what you have done.

I could enlarge very much upon this Subject, but I trust to your own Discretion.

4

If you ferve a Lady who is a little disposed to Gallantries, you will find it a Point of great Prudence how to manage. Three Things are neceffary. First, how to please your Lady; fecondly, how to prevent Sufpicion in the Hufband, or among the Family; and, laftly, but principally, how to make it most for your own Advantage. To give you full Directions in this important Affair, would require a large Volume. All Affignations at home are dangerous, both to your Lady and yourself; and therefore contrive, as much as poffible, to have them in a third Place, efpecially, if your Lady, as it is an hundred odds, entertaineth more Lovers than one, each of whom is often more jealous than a thousand Husbands; and, very unlucky Rencounters may often happen under the best Management. I need not warn you to employ your good Offices chiefly in favour of thofe, whom you find most liberal;

yet,