She called to her Servants to know, What ill Smell was in the Kitchen? They answered, they were making Matches: Well, faid fhe, Í have heard Matches were made in Heaven, but by the Brimftone, one would think they were made in Hell.

After fhe had been eating fome fweet Thing, a little of it happened to flick on her Lips; a Gentleman told her of it, and offered to lick it off; fhe faid, no Sir, I thank you, I have a Tongue of my own.

In the late King's Time, a Gentleman asked Jervas the Painter, Where he lived in London? He answered, next Door to the King (for his House was near St. James's.) The other wondering how that could be; fhe faid, you mistake Mr. Jervas, for he only meaneth next Door to the Sign of a King.

A Gentleman who had been very filly and pert in her Company, at laft began to grieve at remembering the Lofs of a Child lately dead. A Bishop fitting by, comforted him, that he fhould be eafy, because the Child was gone to Heaven. No, my Lord, faid fhe, that is it which moft grieveth him, because he is fure never to fee his Child there.

Having feen fome Letters written by a King in a very large Hand, and fome Perfons wondering at them, fhe faid, it confirmed the old Saying, That Kings had long Hands.

Dr. Sheridan, famous for punning, and intending to fell a Bargain, faid, he had made a

very good Pun. Somebody afked, What it was? He anfwered, my A—. The other taking Offence, she infisted the Doctor was in the right, for every body knew, that punning was his blind Side.

When she was extremely ill, her Physicians faid, Madam, you are near the Bottom of the Hill, but we will endeavour to get you up again. She answered, Doctor, I fear I fhall be out of Breath before I get up to the Top.

A dull Parfon talking of a very smart Thing, faid to another Parfon as he came out of the Pulpit, he was hammering a long Time, but could not remember the Jeft; fhe being impatient, faid, I remember it very well, for I was there, and the Words were thefe: Sir, you have been blundering at a Story this half Hour, and can neither make Head nor Tail of it.

A very dirty Clergyman of her Acquaintance, who affected Smartness and Repartee, was asked by fome of the Company, How his Nails came to be fo dirty? He was at a Loss, but the folved the Difficulty, by faying, the Doctor's Nails grew dirty by fcratching himSelf.

A Quaker Apothecary fent her a Phial corked; it had a broad Brim, and a Label of Paper about its Neck. What is that, faid fhe, my Apothecary's Son? The ridiculous Refemblance, and the Suddenness of the Question, fet us all a Laughing.

THOUGHTS

THOUGHTS ON various SUBJECTS.

L

AWS penned with the utmost Care and Exactnefs, and in the vulgar Language, are often perverted to wrong Meanings; then why should we wonder that the Bible is fo? Although Men are accused for not knowing their Weakness, yet perhaps, as few know their own Strength.

A Man seeing a Wafp creeping into a Phial filled with Honey, that was hung on a Fruittree, faid thus: Why, thou fottish Animal, art thou mad to go into that Phial, where you fee many hundred of your kind there dying in it before you? The Reproach is juft, anfwered the Wafp, but not from you Men, who are fo far from taking Example by other Peoples Follies, that you will not take Warning by your own. If after falling feveral Times into this Phial, and efcaping by Chance, I should fall in again, I should then but resemble you.

An old Mifer kept a tame Jack-daw, that used to steal Pieces of Money, and hide them in, a Hole, which the Cat obferving, asked, Why he would hoard up thofe round shining Things that he could make no use of? Why, faid the Jack-daw, my Master hath a whole

Cheft

Cheft-full, and maketh no more Ufe of them than I.

Men are content to be laughed at for their Wit, but not for their Folly.

If the Men of Wit and Genius would refolve never to complain in their Works of Criticks and Detractors, the next Age would not know that they ever had

any.

After all the Maxims and Systems of Trade and Commerce, a Stander-by would think the Affairs of the World were moft ridiculously contrived.

There are few Countries, which, if well cultivated, would not fupport double the Number of their Inhabitants, and yet fewer where one Third of the People are not extremely stinted even in the Neceffaries of Life. I send out twenty Barrels of Corn, which would maintain a Family in Bread for a Year, and I bring back in return a Veffel of Wine, which half a Dozen good Fellows would drink in less than a Month, at the Expence of their Health and Reason.

A Motto for the Jesuits:

Quæ regio in terris noftri non plena laboris ?

A Man would have but few Spectators, if he offered to fhew for Three-pence how he could thruft a red-hot Iron into a Barrel of Gunpowder, and it should not take Fire.

Query, Whether Churches are not Dormitories of the Living as well as of the Dead?

Harry

Harry Killigrew faid to Lord Wharton, You would not fwear at this Rate, if you "thought you were doing GoD Honour."

A Copy of Verses kept in the Cabinet, and only fhewn to a few Friends, is like a Virgin much fought after and admired; but when printed and published, is like a common Whore, whom any body may purchase for half a Crown.

Lewis the XIVth of France spent his Life in turning a Good Name into a Great.

The Epicureans began to fpread at Rome in the Empire of Auguftus, as the Socinians, and even the Epicureans too, did in England, towards the End of King Charles the Second's Reign; which is reckoned, although very abfurdly, our Auguftan Age. They both feem to be Corruptions occafioned by Luxury and Peace, and by Politenefs beginning to decline.

Sometimes I read a Book with Pleasure, and deteft the Author.

At a Bookfeller's Shop, fome Time ago, I faw a Book with this Title; Poems by the * Au thor of the Choice. Not enduring to read a dozen Lines, I asked the Company with me, whether they had ever feen the Book, or heard of the Poem from whence the Author denominated himself? They were all as ignorant as I. But I find it common with these small Dealers in Wit and Learning, to give themfelves *The Reverend Mr. Pomfret, a Diffenting Minifter, A a

VOL, VIII.