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She called to her Servants to know, What ill Smell was in the Kitchen? They answered, they were making Matches : Well, said she, Í have heard Matches were made in Heaven, but by the Brimstone, one would think they were made in Hell.
After she had been eating some sweet Thing; a little of it happened to stick on her Lips ; a Gentleman told her of it, and offered to lick it off; she said, no Sir, I thank you, I have a Tongue of my own.
In the late King's Time, a Gentleman asked Fervas the Painter, Where he lived in London? He answered, next Door to the King (for his House was near St. James's.) The other wondering how that could be ; she said, you mistake Mr. Jervas, for he only meaneth next Door to the Sign of a King.
A Gentleman who had been very silly and pert in her Company, at last began to grieve at remembering the Loss of a Child lately dead. A Bishop fitting by, comforted him, that he should be easy, because the Child was gone to Heaven. No, my Lord, said she, that is it which most grieveth him, because he is sure never to see his Child there.
Having seen some Letters written by a King in a very large Hand, and some Persons wondering at them, she said, it confirmed the old Saying, That Kings had long Hands.
Dr. Sheridan, famous for punning, and intending to sell a Bargain, faid, he had made a
very good Pun. Somebody asked, What it was? He answered, my A- The other taking Offence, the insisted the Doctor was in the right, for every body knew, that punning was his blind Side.
When she was extremely ill, her Physicians said, Madam, you are near the Bottom of the Hill, but we will endeavour to get you up again. She answered, Doctor, I fear" I shall be out of Breatb before I get up to the Top.
A dull Parson talking of a very smart Thing, faid to another Parson as he came out of the Pulpit, he was hammering a long Time, but could not remember the Jest; she being impatient, faid, I remember it very well, for I was there, and the Words were these : Sir, you have been blundering at a Story this half Hour, and can neither make Head nor Tail of it.
A very dirty Clergyman of her Acquaintance, who affected Smartness and Repartee, was asked by fome of the Company, How his Nails came to be so dirty ? He was at a Loss, but the solved the Difficulty, by saying, the Doctor's Nails grew dirty by scratching bimself.
A Quaker Apothecary fent her a Phial corked; it had a broad Brim, and a Label of Paper about its Neck. What is that, said she, my Apothecary's Son? The ridiculous Refemblance, and the Suddenness of the Question, fet us all a Laughing.
THOUGHTS on various SUBJECTS.
AWS penned with the utmost Care and
Exactness, and in the vulgar Language, are often perverted to wrong Meanings; then why should we wonder that the Bible is so?
Although Men are accused for not knowing their Weakness, yet perhaps, as few know their own Strength.
A Man seeing a Wasp creeping into a Phial filled with Honey, that was hung on a Fruittree, said thus : Why, thou fottish Animal, art thou mad to go into that Phial, where
you see many hundred of your kind there dying in it before you? The Reproach is just, answered the Wasp, but not from you Men, who are so far from taking Example by other Peoples Follies, that you will not take Warning by your own. If after falling several Times into this Phial, and escaping by Chance, I should fall in again, I should then but resemble you.
An old Miser kept a tame Jack-daw, that used to steal Pieces of Money, and hide them in, a Hole, which the Cat observing, asked, Why he would hoard up those round shining Things that he could make no use of? Why, said the Jack-daw, my Master hath a whole
Chest-full, and maketh no more Use of them than I.
Men are content to be laughed at for their Wit, but not for their Folly:
If the Men of Wit and Genius would resolve never to complain in their Works of Criticks and Detractors, the next Age would not know that they ever had any.
After all the Maxims and Systems of Trade and Commerce, a Stander-by would think the Affairs of the World were most ridiculously contrived.
There are few Countries, which, if well cultivated, would not support double the Number of their Inhabitants, and yet fewer where one Third of the People are not extremely stinted even in the Necessaries of Life. I send out twenty Barrels of Corn, which would maintain a Family in Bread for a Year, and I bring back in return a Vefsel of Wine, which half a Dozen good Fellows would drink in less than a Month, at the Expence of their Health and Reason.
A Motto for the Jesuits :
A Man would have but few Spectators, if he offered to fhew for Three-pence how he could thrust a red-hot Iron into a Barrel of Gunpowder, and it should not take Fire.
Query, Whether Churches are not Dormitories of the Living as well as of the Dead ?
Harry Killigrew faid to Lord Wharton, es You would not swear at this Rate, if
you " thought you were doing God Honour.
A Copy of Verses kept in the Cabinet, and only shewn to a few Friends, is like a Virgin much sought after and admired; but when printed and published, is like a common Whore, whom any body may purchase for half à Crown.
Lewis the XIVth of France spent his Life ip turning a Good Name into a Great.
The Epicureans began to spread at Rome in the Empire of Augustus; as the Socinians, and even the Epicureans too, did in England, towards the End of King Charles the Second's Reign ; which is reckoned, although very absurdly, our Augustan Age. They both seem to be Corruptions occasioned by Luxury and Peace, and by Politeness beginning to decline.
Sometimes I read a Book with Pleasure, and detest the Author.
At a Bookseller's Shop, some Time ago, I saw a Book with this Title ; Poems by the * Aua thor of the Choice. Not enduring to read a dozen Lines, I asked the Company with me, whether they had ever seen the Book, or heard of the Poem from whence the Author denominated himself? They were all as ignorant as I. But I find it common with these small Dealers in Wit and Learning, to give them
felves * The Reverend Mr. Pomfrei, a Disenting Minister, VOL, VIII,