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yet, if your Lady should happen to cast an Eye upon a handsome Footman, you should be
generous enough to bear with her Humour, which is no Singularity, but a very natural Appetite : It is still the safest of all Home-intrigues, and was formerly the least suspected, until of late Years it hath grown more common. The great Danger is, lest this kind of Gentry dealing too often in bad Ware, may happen not to be found ; and then, your Lady and you are in a very bad Way, although not altogether desperate.
But, to say the Truth, I confess it is a great Presumption in me, to offer
you any Instructions in the Conduct of your Lady's Amours, wherein
your whole Sisterhood is already so
up a Silk Mantua, or laced Head, in a Trunk, or Chest, leave a Piece out, that when you open the Trunk again, you may know where to find it.
DIRECTIONS to the HOUSE-MAID.
your Master and Lady go into the Coun
try for a Week, or more, never wash the Bed-chamber, or Dining-room, until just the Hour before you expect them to return: Thus the Rooms will be perfectly clean to receive them, and you will not be at the Trouble to wash them so soon again.
I am very much offended with those Ladies who are so proud and lazy, that they will not be at the Pains of stepping into the Garden to pluck a Rose, but keep an odious Implement, sometimes in the Bed-chamber itself, or at least in a dark Closet adjoining, which they make use of to ease their worst Necessities, and you are the usual Carriers away of the Pan ; which maketh not only the Chamber, but even their Çloaths, offensive to all who come near. Now, to cure them of this odious Practice, let me advise you, on whom this Office lieth, to convey away this Utensil, that you will do it openly, down the great Stairs, and in the Presence of the Footmen ; and, if any body knocketh, to open the Street-door while you have the Vefiel filled in your Hands : This, if any Thing can, will make your Lady take the Pains of evacuating her Person in the proper
Place, rather than expose her Filthiness to all the Men-fervants in the House.
Leave a Pail of dirty Water with the Mop in it, a Coal-box, a Bottle, a Broom, a Chamber-pot, and such other unsightly Things, either in a blind Entry, or upon the darkest Part of the Back-stairs, that they may not be seen; and, if People break their Shins by trampling on them, it is their own Fault.
Never empty the Chamber-pots until they are quite full; if that happeneth in the Night, empty them in the Street ; if, in the Morning, into the Garden; for it would be an endless Work to go a dozen Times from the Garret, and upper Rooms, down to the Backside ; but never wash them in any Liquor except their own: What cleanly Girl would be dabbling in other Folks Urine ? and, besides, the Smell of Stale, as I observed before, is admirable against the Vapours, which an hundred to one may
your Lady's Cafe. Brush down the Cobwebs with a Broom that is wet and dirty, which will make them stick the faster to it, and bring them down more effectually.
When you rid up the Parlour-hearth in a Morning, throw the last Night's Ashes into a Sieve ; and what falls through, as you carry it down, will serve, instead of Sand, for the Room and the Stairs.
When you have scoured the Brasses and Irons in the Parlour-chimney, lay the foul wet Clout
upon the next Chair, that your Lady may see you have not neglected your Work.
Work. Obferve the fame Rule when you clean the Brafs Locks, only with this Addition, to leave the Marks of your Fingers on the Door, to fhew
have not forgot.
Leave your Lady's Chamber-pot in her Bedchamber Window all Day to air.
Bring up none but large Coals to the Dineing-room, and your Lady's Chamber, they make the best Fires; and, if you
find them too big, it is easy to break them on the Marble-hearth.
When you go to Bed, be sure take Care of Fire, and therefore blow the Candle out with your Breath, and then thrust it under the Bed. Note, The Smell of the Snuff is very good against Vapours.
Persuade the Footman, who got you with Child, to marry you before you are fix Months gone; and, if your Lady asketh
you, Why you
would take a Fellow who was not worth a Groat ? Let your Answer be, that Service is no Inheritance.
When your Lady's Bed is made, thrust the Chamber-pot under it, but in such a Manner as to thrust the Valance along with it, that it may
be full in Sight, and ready for your Lady, when she hath Occasion to use it.
Lock up a Cat, or a Dog, in some Room or Closet, so as to make such a Noise all over the House, as may frighten away the
attempt to break or steal in. When
of the Rooms towards the Street over-night, throw the foul Water out of the Street-door ; but be sure not to look before, for fear those on whom the Water lighteth might think you uncivil, and that you did it on Purpose. If he who suffereth breaks the Window in revenge, and your Lady chideth you, and giveth positive Orders, that
you should carry the Pail down, and empty it in the Sink, you have an easy Remedy : When you wash an upper Room, carry down the Pail so as to let the Water dribble on the Stairs, all the Way down to the Kitchen ; by which, not only your Load will be lighter, but you will convince your Lady, that it is better to throw the Water out of the Windows, or down the Street-door Steps ; besides, this latter Practice, will be very diverting to you and the Family, in a frosty Night, to see an hundred People falling on their Noses, or Backsides, before your Door, when the Water is frozen.
Polish and brighten the Marble-hearths and Chimney-pieces with a Clout dipped in Grease; nothing makes them' shine so well, and it is the Business of the Ladies to take care of their Petticoats. If
your Lady be fo nice, that she will have the Room scoured with Freestone, be sure to leave the Marks of the Freestone fix Inches deep round the Bottom of the Wainscot, that