NEW PARLIAMENT,

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therefore behoves every member within these walls to exert her utmost abilities, and to throw out such hints as may, in the most eligible manner, tend to remove the evil. I shall, therefore, with great submission to the Chair, propose to the Committee the following resolutions:

That bachelors, turned of forty-five, shall make a will, and bequeath one half of their property, upon their demise (as they themselves can be of no further use while living), for the support and relief of distressed maidens against their will, in order to enable them to obtain husbands suitable to their rank and pretensions-otherwise the said bachelors are to be deemed old maids, to all intents and purposes.

That all natural children shall be pronounced the offspring of bachelors, and that they be compelled to provide for them accordingly.

That all officers who show the least appearance of fortune-hunting, shall immediately, upon proper information, be dismissed His Majesty's service.

That one million of enchanting smiles, with a proportionate number of captivating ogles, be imme diately issued for the service of the ladies during the eurrent year

That goo, doo languishing looks be granted out of the sinking find of beauty, to make good disappointments and deficiencies incurred last year.

That bewitching kisses, bearing three and a half per cent. be consolidated with pouting lips, and made transferable.

That 600,000 husbands be raised by way of lottery -with an agreeable douceur to the subscribers. The prizes to be paid immediately, without any deduction, in Irish currency.

That one million necessary blushes and occasional sighs be issued immediately upon the drawing of the lottery.

That all the artillery of love be properly provided, from Cupid's Board of Ordnance, under the sign-manual of the Cyprian Queen.

If, Sir, you think that debates which might furnish reports similar to the above, would be amusing to your readers, I recommend that no time be lost in issuing writs for calling a Female Parliament.

Yours, &c.

A FEMALE Legislator.

FEMALE PARLIAMENT.
[From the same, July 4.)

MR. EDITOR,

HAVING noticed your "Female Parliament," although I have neither time nor talents to enter fully into particulars, I will beg leave to make a few observations. That it is an alarming crisis" respecting female affairs, I allow; and that it is necessary some of the elder ones should enter into a committee of ways and means to raise those supplies of husbands which are so much wanted, to take charge of the younger branches, as well not only to remove them from that degrading fear of being old maids, not only giving them a stamp in society, without which they are as nothing, but protecting their persons, and enabling them to enjoy those blessings and comforts they cannot otherwise do. Now, Mr. Editor, we have heard a great deal about a change of ministry, in regard to the affairs of the nation; and is it not equally necessary there should be a change of ministers in matrimonial concerns? Instead of having faithful, industrious, attentive, and able ministers, are they not governed by Custom, Avarice, Pride, and Vanity? While that broken-down, hackneyed fellow, Custom, remains Chancellor of the Exchequer, we cannot have better times; next to him is Avarice, who has gene

rally

rally presided at their councils, without whose favour little success can be expected. This sycophant, 't is said, can take either side. Pride, that produce of Satan, has been Secretary for the Home Department for many years; and Vanity for the Foreign; so that a man may generally calculate upon a considerable inerease in the sinking fund; as their ministry is composed of more members than that of our country. If you think this worth your notice, you may have a continuation from

July 1, 1809.

An ADEPT, but no LEGISLATOR.

VERSES ON THE CHELTENHAM BRICK-KILN. [From the Morning Herald, July 4]

*

* A spacious public promenade has been made gratuitously at Cheltenham, called Montpelier Walks, by a gen tleman named THOMSON, for the accommodation of the company; but his intentions were greatly frustrated by the erection of brick-kilns in the neighbourhood, and (strange as it may appear) in the very heart of the town, where valetudinarians arrive to inhale the flower-scented breeze; not the pestiferous atoms and smoke of burning clay, more offending to the human lungs than the steam of Lake Averno, or the belehity of Etna, when the mountain has got the heart-burnaq i

In consequence of this abominable annoyance, the following poetical admonition was affixed in the pump-room:

VERSES, WRITTEN BY A PHTHISICKY VISITOR, AFTER HEMMING UP AN OUNCE OF BRICK-Dust, on an EVENING WALK.

WHERE Taste erects a classic cor

To suit same sickly peer,

Envy, with diabolic zeal,

Will build a brick-kiln near!

While at one wing the genial breeze
Wafts health, as poets tell us;
On t' other side the smoke obtrudes,
And clogs the pect'ral bellows!

Magi of Cheltenham, look round,
And stop these fatal tricks;
As Fashion's race will cut and run,
If Folly burns his bricks!

Pray, tell me, who to sip your spa
For solacement will run,
When all the good Hygeia does,
By Malice is undone?

When vulgar minds, by int'rest led,
Would ruin such a spa;

If Feeling cannot bind them down,
Pray, bind them down by law!

MORAL.

When Noah built his spacious ark,
He told his wife, in jest,
He'd save each sex of ev'ry bird,
But those that foul'd their nest.

ADVERTISEMENT.

[From the Morning Post, July 7.]·

PARIS PLASTER.

TO be sold, for the value of the materials, about seven hundred busts, in plaster of Paris! of the great patriot G. L. Wardle.

They have been a little damaged by exposure; but will make excellent manure, being in a very crumbling state. They are peculiarly recommended for forcing of mushrooms.

N. B. A few that are in rather a better state of preservation will make very pretty ornaments for privies, gable-ends, or to conceal worse nuisances than themselves. Inquire of Mr. Wright, upholder.

2

BOROUGH

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BOROUGH OF GARRATT.

[From the Morning Herald, July 7

ESTERDAY was held a mock assembly of this ancient corporation, to take into consideration the propriety of returning thanks to Colonel Waddle, for his public services, in most effectually defeating the pernicious effect of a standing army, by the removal of the best Commander in Chief that the country ever possessed when the following resolutions were moved by Sir Geoffrey Dunstan, and seconded by the Hon. Matthew Mug, Esq. which passed nem. con.

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Resolved, That the dexterity of picking a hole in a great man's coat, is more honourable than mending a poor man's pocket.

Resolved, That the execrations of this assembly be voted to the Upholsterer, who made the trap, and the Mother of Mischief, who artfully set it, so as to catch therein an old bird with chaff!

Resolved, That Colonel Waddle be requested to offer himself a candidate for this Borough at the next general election, and also to sit for his picture, to be done in charcoal over the fireplace of our common-hall at the Goose and Gridiron, at the back of St. Paul's.

Resolved, if a subscription shall be opened to defray the damages given to the Upholsterer, that a tizzey be given out of the corporate funds, in support of said Colonel Waddle.

Resolved, That the thanks of this assembly be voted to said Colonel Waddle, and conveyed to him by the hands of Sir Geoffrey Dunstan, in a full frothed pot of Whitbread's entire butt.

By order of the mock assembly.
MAT. MUG.