New Publications. for him to write onto. Hope it is true, and that we shall be there at the time they 're handed to him, for there'll be FESTUS: A POEM. Printed first in London, elegant speakin'. We will contribute, even and a'terwards in the United'n States'n. In We have received the following critique Roll it like a sweet morsel under the tongue. mainland, CLARK'S KVICKERBOCKER MAGAZINE FOR JULY. out of our not very full puss, the price of comes to our office, we will, to make use POEMS: by J. SOMEBODY, Esq., Author of The WITH a most elegant snow-white bespangled paper cover, delicately stitched, with a wide margin, plenty of blanks, and of a luscious workmanship, indicating the extreme modesty of Mr. SOMEBODY, who deems his poems to be such refulgent gems that they must have a settin' to match. We suspect Mr. SOMEBODY will turn out to be NOBODY. This remark is severe, but it is deserved. LOVE-SICK TALES: Collected from all the A LABOR of love. Time would fail to characterize the volume as it deserves. We therefore pass it by, and en passong, as the Frenchmen say, we must say it is quite passable. Communications. MR. EDITOR: Sir:-I notice that the Rev. Mr. HANKS in the Ark of Noah,' speaking of my invention of the Bobble, alludes to it as the work of a Mr. GUMS. I In one volume. pp. 96. Published by Mr. SAMUEL HUESTON, (not the Texas General,) at Number 139 Nassau-street, New-York. THIS periodical Magazine comes out with a pictur' of the man himself, HYPERIUM's curls onto it, and a small black watch-chain, and his signatur', with customary bird's-claw, underneath. It's as like him as two peas; featur's extr'ordinary correct, but somehow or nother it only looks like him as Lake Meopac without no breeze onto it looks like Lake Meopac when there is a little breeze onto it. He was in a very sedative humor, guess, when that was taken; but a single hairstroke would 'gin it all it wants. Gash that crease in the forward a little deeper, Mr. CHENEY-no matter if the blood comes and chisel out that nick in the corner of his meöuth, and then you have him in the attitude of telling that story about Mr. MACREADY; and if Mr. MACREADY don't laugh when he sees that, we don't know. Very much obliged to him for the compliment of copyin' out a large portion of the Flag-Staff' Let him keep on in the way he 's been a-doin' a matter about which to quarrel in his ' Editor's Table' the last fifteen years about, that we trusted to see it or so, and he'll get the love of commu-righted, especially as we think that nity. We was told last week by Mr. the GUMS, is better grammar than SMITH, that some of OLD KNICK.'s ad- a GUMS, and sounds better, and mirers in the city was about to present him with a elegant editor's chair for him looks better, and in fact is better. to set into, and a han'sum' editor's table Howsomever, for to compromise beg to inform him that the Mr. GUMS who done it is well known to community, and to the continent of Europe; and with all due respect to Grammar, the definite article might be as well applied to him as others worthy of the same notice. Truly yours, PHILIP GUMS. THE definite article is so small the matter, we propose that he be simply alluded to as Gums. ED. B. F. S. AND I. E. MR. FLAG-STAFF: I am stopt of my rest o' nights by my neighbors' dogs, roosters a-crowin', and a little screech-owl onto a bough. With the dogs, it is ki-i! ki-i!' the whole blessed nocturnal watches; with the roosters, an unceasing 'dhudal-dhu!' till DAN PHOEBUS' luminary, and the little owl most dismal. The dogs I won't stand. This is to give my neighbors warning that if they don't tie their curs' throats tite and hermetically seal them, I shall herewith enter upon a crusade with six-shooters, following it up with sharp sticks and warm applications. A CONSTANT SUBSCRIBER. DEAR MR. EDITOR: - If you think the enclosed copy of verses will do credit to your paper, you are welcome to publish them. Please send me a dozen or twenty copies for my friends, and put it in a conspicuous place. It is my first attempt in print, and if you see any thing in it commendable, please say so. It has been much admired by those who have read it in Ms. I should feel much reluctance to venture with it in print, had I not been pressingly requested to do so by a number of friends, who think it will subserve the cause of letters. I beg to premise, that it was written in great haste, and is not so good as the author can write, if needs be. I expect a compensation. Please say, in answer to this, whether you wish me to write for your newspaper, as I have a large collection of Mss., which will be offered on reasonable terms, both poetry and prose. Her form is straight as Indian reed, Oh! could the beaux exact the bliss For oh! they're ripe, and oh ! they're red, They higher hang above our heads HISTORICAL SOCIETY OF BUNKUM: Monthly Meeting. · Old Mr. SNAPS read a paper on the philosophical connection there is between 'Historic Lore and the development of a nation's Principles.' It lasted for two hours, during which, it enchained the audience in the stillness of death, from which the bursting of all the guns in the arsenal wouldn't wake them. The main design of it was to make a great effort, and to show the intellectual strength of Mr. Snaps. The effect was profound. Those who remained awake at the end of one hour, were seized with a violent fit of coughing, which af flicted them to a really painful degree. But the orator, with a kindly sympathy for them, was tender enough to wait until they had partially recovered, which time he with a glass of cold water. He spent in gargling his mouth out then proceeded to a consummation, not until he had built up DEAR SIR: I open this again after it is compacted his subject with all the closed, to say if you will send me the proof-nails, and screws, and metaphysical sheet, and also direct attention to it in a hammers, so that it cannot at all be little editorial, as it is my first attempt in moved, but stands forever, monuprint, you will oblige, WILLIAM G. Nozer. mentum arius. a brazen monument. P. S. Would you have the kindness to exert your influence with the Bunkum bookseller to publish a uniform edition of my works? Or all the girls in Rosendale, The fair SUSANNA beats them all; When at the ball, or on the green, The fair SUSANNA meets them all. No word of mouth, no tongue can tell, and Mr. DUMBIDIKES followed in an elaborate essay on the clam-banks of Long-Island, with an allusion to clamb-aches, and respect to DANIEL WEBSTER, all of which was well received. He explained why it was that the abdomens of the soft-clam-eaters on the south-side rose and fell with the tides of the Atlantic. It was the simple principle of expansion and contraction, arising out of supply and demand. Neither electricity nor magnetism had nothing to do with it. Mr. VON WIEBEL notified the society that he had received a present of a couple of old chairs from Amsterdam, and they were now brought in in a shackly condition. On motion it was resolved, that the thanks of the Society be returned, and that they be deposited in the cock-loft till wanted. Answers to Correspondents. 'TOMMY.- In answer to 'TOMMY,' who wants to know how much tail for his kite, we have only to say, pattin him on the head with the hand of our mind, make the tail according to your kite, my boy, or if you have only so much rags, then your kite according to the tail. X. Y. Z. We can procure you a jackass, but none with such long ears by half a foot as you want. There are plenty of jacks with ears long enough for a reasonable man. Write your wishes by the next post. 'UMBRA.' -Our suffering Sir. Tell us who took your umbrella, and we shall see what we shall see. can't lend you our tooth-brush for a day's jour ney. We have had experience in that way. Mr. Thomas borrowed it, and kept it a week. Mr. FLIPKINS read a paper on Putty, its discovery, early uses, V. Z. Q- Your request is inadmissible. We fluctuations in the price of the same, and the present mode of using the article in putty-guns. All those who heard the essay will not soon forget it. It was on a subject that will stick, to make use of a facetious remark. Dymenal. MARRIED, on Tuesday morning, by Rev. JE. YES, the days for which we sighed, When warring hearts shall be allied By the same Mr. FOURTH to Miss July : O singular coincidence. To marry FOURTH to Miss JULY, Leading us to conclude from hence They could n't, apart, to the realms of glory fly. Wisconsin papers, and those throughout the United'n States'n generally, please copy. Obituary. DIED, at his late residence on Sky Hill, JOHN SMITH, at the ripe atas of fifty. He never travelled ten miles from his domicil in all his life, and got his living from selling cabbages, and his death from eating them. He has deceased, 'greatly regretted by a large circle of friends." 'An honest man is the noblest work of GoD,' POPE PIUS. On the sixth instimo, CHARLES GRIMLEY, aged thirty years, a few months, a few hours, C. P. A. B.,' threatens to pull our nose if we do not apologize. We have only to say. My dear Sir, we WILL grease our nose with the oil of an apology. "TOPER.' If your taste is constitutional, better PISCATOR.'- Very well. If he do, then he do; let 'JACQUES. Certainly. 'MILTON JUNIOR.' Very happy to read your Epic, and publish portions. Review it in Flag. Staff Praise good passages; run down poor ones. 'SCOGEY.'Thank you. We think we see ourselves travellink fifty miles in order to read over together your series of prose skeeches suitable for the Flag-Staff! When the 'Flag-Staff" is in want of your pieces we will let you know. 'JASPER.'My friend and pitcher, where are your ears? We didn't do it. 'MACHEATH.'No Sir: Your play has got double ontonders into it, and we never will recommend it to the managers. Them vile ontonders is doin' more to keep away decent people from the theater than a little. I don't mind lookin' at a bad ca-rackter; but a vile sentiment or indecency, like essence, leaks right into the marrow-bones of the soul. We like to see a good play, and we like to see it as it is writ, scenery and lights included; but we never, never will encourage play-writers or play-actors in their panderings to make a pit of mere boys in their shirt-sleeves squawk right out. Let them crack their pea-nuts in the interludes of decency, say wc. Good mornin', Mr. Macheath! Advertisements. TIXICUM TONIC. CERTAIN CURE FOR SENSE OF GONENESS. HIS invaluable Tonic has now been be fore BUNKUM MUSEUM.-EXTRAORDINARY T the public for a quarter of a century, and ATTRACTION! Fifty Thousand Curiosi ties added! We have now a splendid a century would fail to tell the good it done. A friend in whom we can put every confidence writes from Maunch-Chunk, in Pennsylvania: 'YOUR Tixicum bitters have riz me right up onto my legs. From being a most heartrending sight, sallow, and with a pain in my back, and with one of my large toes out of joint, they builded up my natur' till I could stand as firm as a stone-fence. Your Tonic is the best-tasted thing for a drug I ever seen. I must inform you that that horrible Sense of Goneness at the pit of the stomach, to which purgatory is a mere solitary touch, and crackers only afforded a cotemporary relief, has winged its everlasting flight. These attacts of Goneness for many years could n't be described by any dismal language which I am capable of. They leave all attempts at description and scenery far in the back-ground. Sir, you will believe me when I tell you that my stomach felt as hollow as a bucket, and like a wilderness country with nothing into it but the hooting of owls. Ardent spirits would 'a gin' me ard; and having delivered lectur's in that temperary relief; but I am a reformed drunkcapacity, and collapsed once or twice in my effort to shake off this nightmare omnibus, besides all eyes of society fixed on me, I consider King Alchy out of the question. If you had looked at my countenance when I was sufferin', you would 'a thought I was a lunatic hippocondrick and paralittic combined in one miserable inass of dejection; and like a poor dog, with my tail under my legs, I would have bit the head off of the best friend I had on earth. Though brought up pious in my youth, yet when these fits was onto me I have been known to cuss so as to be a nuisance to the neighborhood. Three bottles of your Tixicum Tonic went right to the spot, and relieved my cussing. I said to my wife, it was like bottled sunshine to my constitushun, and sent a gleam of light all through me, with a peculiar tinglish sensation of the intestines, as if a hundred little pitchforks was to work; very to read writing, now on his way from Pough pleasant; and I kept crying out: 'Go it, my keepsie, and two dozen little fellers! Make hay while the sun shines! Sharpen up the p'ints! spit onto 'em! Prick it in, but do n't spile the superficies! How'll you swap for needles? Ginger is no touch to you! Waxinate the whole inner man; no In this childish way I used to go on, making a fault found, and a wote of thanks passed!" speech to them bitters, while they was a-doin' their work; and all the while my countenance one glow of satisfaction, as would ripen a corn-field. Set me down for ten bottles of the Tixicum, and make the mixtur' a little hotter yit. If the cause of humanity and the human species will be at all reinstated by what I have said of your Tonic, you are welcome to publish it as the only thing which did JOHN TAPEWORM any good. That's a fact.' THE above glowing tribute is one of a thousand from ministers of the Gospel, lawyers, doctors of law, foreigners, individuals, me chanics, and all classes. $500!-FIVE HUN. DRED DOLLARS forfeited if it don't cure, by those who continue to use it long enough. From an old lady, aged seventy-five, residing at Tipton-on-Turns: 'DEAR SUR: I have been subjick for fifteen | may be familiarized to our TRAFFIC, the folyears to turns, and kept a-cryin' out: I'm lowing poor unfortunate creatures, on whom a-Dyin'! I'm a-Dyin! I'm a-Dyin'!' and told Providence has laid its heaviest hand, and them to drive a Nail in my Hed, meanin' a whose afflictions may be alleviated by being Pin in my Cap, and I want to see Doctor gazed at, to wit: A DWARF, so exceedingly MILLER, Doctor MILLER, Doctor MILLER, about small, compared with others of the same the line of my Inheritance!' My sensations breed, that we have christened him Monsieur began with a tizatizatizarintum in the back-part DWARF DWARF; a perfect little gentleman, of my Hed, and see a little turkle onto a string. free of limb, and plays well on the jews-harp. There was a parcel of little fellers sort of Supposed to have been checked in his growth dancing on the spine of my back; smartish to cater to the growing taste and to supply the feeling at the tip of my Finger-Nales; could n't market of monstrosities. Sheds a few tears, get no rest nights; tried STOUGHTON'S Bitters, sometimes with apparent bitterness, but geneCalamy-jollups; did n't do no good. Began to rally very pleasant, except when he is a little grow wust about the fust of Febuary. Thought cross, when he is soon whipped into training. I felt a crawly sensation on my Hed, and got Also, a SNAKE-MAN; his head flat, his tongue alarmed; fell into hystericks, and my friends forked, and his body slim. Oh! a horrible thought I'd arrived at my latter eend. But object, and fust-rate for exhibition; and feels man's extremity GoD's opportunity. Was ad- his affliction most bitterly, which makes him vised to try your Tixicum. I tookt one swal-look more snakish still; and a certin fortune low, and I gagged; but by perseverin', it for any owner of a museum or travelling exwarmed me all through, and my valable life is hibition. Come and see the gentleman! One now spared to Posterity with a Prospick of moment's conversation with him will justify many Dayes. Those ginglimus twitchings, and the brag which we confidently now make, that a running of mice down my back, your Tixi- he is a NONDESCRIPT AND A CUR'OSITY. cum cured it. Mrs. TEAZABY come in one Also, a BABY IN A BOTTLE with two heads; day, and says I, 'My dear, GOD's will be done!' 't was born so, and we've kept it in sperrits. says I. Says she: It's all nervous.' Says I: ($50.) Also, a few MONSTROSITIES, calcu'Hold your Tongue!' says I; 'it's an Insult; lated to improve the moral sense of com. you want to see me dead; you all want to see munity. Call soon, as they may be disposed of me dead. You'll have your wish!' and very at auction, the owners going to Europe. Apply much excited. Then she speaks more sensi- to SELLUM AND DAMDFOR'T. ble, and says she: What's it like ?' and says I: Fire-crackers in my Hed.' Then says she: Raskal, July 10, 1849. 'Let me advise you to take RASKEL'S Tixicum Bitters. Cured the widow GOOSEBERRY'S Zig PENDENT ECHO is published every now zag pains, Rusty-nail in her foot, and two of her toes much disordered with corns.' At last I consented, Dere Sur, and stand on TerryFirmy; and to my Certin Nolledge it cured a child of worms. Please accept this Gold-Peace included of Five Dollars for Respect out of Gratitude; and when I get sick again I shall Use It, and be very glad to see you when you come this way, and Bring me somethin'. I thank you to cure me of Hard of Hearing, and LORILLARD'S Best Roscented Mackaboy Snuff. Be sorry to give it up; can't do it; won't hurt me. Please say so, If it won't hurt me, as I know it won't; and Please say so. FOR 'From Yours to serve, 'JEMIMA VERIGREEN.' OR SALE OR TO LET for a term of years, for filthy lucre, in open violation of the most sacred sensibilities of the human heart, that the eyes and feelings of society at large HE BUNKUM FLAG-STAFF AND INDEand then at Bunkum, and also at the KNICKERBOCKER office in New-York. It goes in with a strong team for the Principles of '98 and Constitution of the United'n States'n. For further Particklers see large head. All kinds of job-printing neatly executed with despatch. Horse, wool-carding, cloth-dressing, grist-mill, and other hand-bills, printed on the shortest notice. Old newspapers for sale at this office. WANTED, an Apprentice. He must be bound for eight years, fold and carry papers, ride post once a-week to Babylon, Pequog and Jericho, on our old white mare, and must find and blow his own horn. Store-pay, potatoes, corn, rye, oats, beans, grits, hay, honey and shorts taken in exchange. WANTED to hire, a new-milch farrer-cow; give eight quarts night and morning; ALSO, to change milks' with some neighbor with a cheese-press for a skim-milk cheese once't a-week. WHAT moralist shall make distinctions nice, PH. |