AIR.-QUEEN.

What though I now am half seas o'er,

I scorn to baulk this bout, Of stiff rack punch fetch bowls a score, 'Fore George, I'll see them out.

[ACT I.

But, sir, your queen 'twould ill become,
T indulge in vulgar sips;
No drop of brandy, gin, or rum,
Should pass these royal lips.

Chorus. Rum ti iddity, row, row, row,

But, sir, &c.

If we'd a good sup, we'd take it now.

King. Though rack, in punch, ten shillings were a quart,

And rum and brandy be but half-a-crown, Rather than quarrel, thou shalt have thy fill. (Flourish of drums and trumpets.) Nood. These martial sounds, my liege, announce the general.

King. Haste we to meet, and meetly to receive

him.

(Aside.)

King. Oh, vast queen! Think our court thine

own;

Call for whate'er thou likest, there's nought to

pay;

Nor art thou captive, but thy captive we.
(Takes off her chain.)
Queen. (Aside.) Ha! Arthur faithless!
This gag my rival, too, in dear Tom Thumb!
Revenge! but I'll dissemble.
Madam, believe, that with a woman's eye
I view your loss: take comfort; for, to-morrow
As many husbands as you think you'll want.
Our grenadiers shall be call'd out, then choose
Glum. Madam, I rest your much obliged and
very humble servant.
Queen. Though greater yet Tom's boasted merit

was,

[Exit.

He shall not have my daughter, that is poz. (Advancing to the king.)

King. Ha! say'st thou?

Queen. Yes, I say he sha'n't.
King. How! sha'n't!

Now by our royal self we swear, I'll be d—d bat

he shall.

AIR. QUEEN.

Then tremble all, who weddings ever made,
And tremble more who did this match persuade;
For, like a worried cat, I'll spit, I'll squall,
I'll scratch, I'll tear the eyes out of ye all.

(The King throws his hat at the Queen.) [Exit Queen and ladies. Dood. Her majesty the Queen, is in a passion. King. She may be d-d! Who cares? We were indeed,

A pretty king of clouts, were we to truckle
To all her maudlin humours.

SCENE III.-The Outside of the Palace.
Enter LORD GRIZZLE.

Griz. Arthur wrongs me:

Cheats me of my Huncamunca.

Rouse thee, Grizzle! Sblood! I'll be a rebel.
Alas! what art thou, honour?

A Monmouth-street lac'd coat, gracing to-day
My back; to-morrow, glittering on another's.
To arms! to arms!

Enter QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, in a rage.
Queen. Teach me to scold, O Grizzle!
Griz. Scold, would my queen? Say, ah! where-
fore?
Queen. Wherefore !

Faggots and fire! My daughter to Tom Thumb!

Griz. I'll mince the atom into countless pieces. Queen. Oh, no! prevent the match, but hurt not him

Him! Thou! thou kill the man

Who kill'd the giants?

Griz. Giants! Why, madam, 'tis all flummery: He made the giants first, and then he kill'd them. Queen. How hast thou seen no giants? Are there not

Now in our yard, ten thousand proper giants?

Griz. Madam, shall I tell you what I'm going to say? I do not positively know, but, as near as I can guess, I cannot tell; though I firmly do believe there is not one.

Queen. Out from my sight, base Pick thank! hie, begone!

By all my stars, thou enviest Tom Thumb!
Griz. Yes, yes, I go; but, madam, know,
(Since your majesty's so pert ;)
That a flood of Tommy's blood,
To allay this storm shall spurt.

SCENE IV.-An Anti-Chamber.
KING ARTHUR on a couch.

King. Methought

[Exeunt.

I heard a voice say, "Sleep no more!" Glumdalca exiles sleep; and therefore, Arthur Can sleep no more.

The Ghost of GAFFER THUMB rises, with a blue lantern on a long staff.

Ghost. Oh, Arthur! Arthur! Arthur!

Soon shalt thou-sleep enough.

King. Ah! what art thou?

Ghost. The ghost of Gaffer Thumb.

King. A ghost! stand off!

I'll have thee laid in the Red Sea.
Ghost. Oh, Arthur! take heed.

My thread is spun; list, list, oh, list!

For I am up, up, up,

But you are down, down, down,
Draw your sword like a man,
Or, I'll box you for a crown.
Rum ti iddity, &c.

SCENE V.-Princess Huncamunca's Dressing-room.
PRINCESS HUNCAMUNCA at her toilette, FRIZA-
LETTA waiting.

Hunc. Give me some music, see that it be sad. (Music.) Oh, Tommy Thumb! why art thou Tommy Thumb? Why had not mighty Bantam been thy father? Why not the king of Brentford, old or new? Friz. Madam, Lord Grizzle.

* Enter LORD GRIZZLE.

Griz. (Kneeling.) Oh, Hancamunca! Huncamunca, ob!

Hunc. This to my rank, bold man!

Griz. Ah, beauteous princess!

Love levels rank, lords down to cellar bears, And bids the brawny porter walk up stairs. Nought is for love too high, nor aught too lowOh, Huncamunca! Huncamunca, oh!

Hunc. My lord, in vain, a-suitoring you come,
For I'm engaged this instant to Tom Thumb.
Griz. Play not the fool; that less than baby
shun,

Or you will ne'er be brought to bed of one.
Hunc. Am I thus fobb'd? then I my words re-

call.

Griz. Shall I to Doctors' Commons?
Hunc. Do so pray;

I now am in the mood, and cannot stay.

Where those bright eyes, the card-matches of Cu

pid,

That light up all with love my waxen soul?
Hunc. Put out the light, nor waste thy little

taper.

Tom. Put out the light? impossible!

As well Sir Solomon might put out his rushlight. Hunc. I am to Lord Grizzle promis'd.

Tom. Promis'd!

Hunc. Too sure, 'tis enter'd in fate's journal. Tom. Enter'd!

Zounds! I'll tear out the leaf-I'll blot the page

I'll burn the book.

I tell thee, princess, had I been thy help-mate, We soon had peopled this whole realm with

Thumbs.

Hunc. O fie! I shudder at the gross idea! Tom. Then go we to the king, let him decide, Whether you shall be Grizzle's or my bride. (Going out hand-in-hand, are met by GLUMDALCA.) Glum. Stop, brandy-nose! hopest thou the wight,

King Arthur in love ankle deep-speed the plough,
Glumdalca will soon be his punk-a;

The Queen Dollallolla's as drunk as a sow,
In bed with Tom Thumb, Huncamunca.

Enter LORD GRIZZLE, hastily.

Griz. If this be true, all woman kind are damn'd. Nood. If it be not, may I be damn'd myself.

[Exit. Griz. Then, get out patience! oh, I'm whirlwind all;

Havock, let loose the dogs of war, halloo !

SCENE II.-A Chamber in the Palace.

Enter QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA.

[Exit.

Thou hast it.

Queen. Ah! wherefore from his Dollallolla's

arms

Doth Arthur steal? Why all alone,

And in the dark, leave her, whose feeble nerves He knows, are harrow'd up with fears of spirits?

Enter KING Arthur.

King. We hop'd the fumes, sweet queen, of last night's punch

Had glued thy lovely eyes; but, ah! we find
There is no power in drams to quiet wives.

Enter NOODle.

Nood. Long life to both your majesties, if life Be worth a fig. Lord Grizzle, at the head Of a rebellious rout, invests the palace;

[Exit.

Griz. Oh, Tom Thumb! (falls.) thy soul be

shrew!

I die, Ambition! the fates have made their tour, And the black cart is waiting at the door.

my eyes devour'd the great Tom Thumb!

King. Shut, shut again the prisons: Let our treasurer

Not issue out three farthings. Hang all the culprits, And bid the schoolmasters whip all their little boys. Nood. Her majesty the Queen is in a swoon. Queen. Not so much in a swoon, but to have still Strength to reward the messenger of ill.

(Queen kills Noodle.)

Friz. My lover kill'd! His death I thus revenge. Hunc. Kill my mamma! O, base assassin! there! Dood. For that, take this! Plum. And thou take that! King. Die, murderess vile! Ah! death makes a feast to-day,

Tom.

Mine too went a fleeting;

Now we in a nipperkin

May toast this merry meeting.

(To Hunc.) Come, my Hunky, come, my pet; Love's in haste, don't stay him;

Deep we are in Hymen's debt,

And 'tis high time we pay him.

(Kills the Queen.)

Hunc.

(To Tom.) Have, dear Tommy, pity on me; I'm by shame restricted;

(Kills Frizaletta.) (Kills Hunca.) (Kills Doodle.) (Kills Plum.)

And but reserves ourselves for his bon bouche.
So, when the boy, whom nurse from danger guards,
Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards!
Kings, queens, and knaves, tip one another down,
Till the whole pack lie scatter'd and o'erthrown.
Thus all our pack upon the floor is cast,
And my sole boast is, that I will die the last.

(Stabs himself. They all lay on the
stage dead.)

MERLIN rises.

(Thunder and lightning.)

Merlin. Blood ! what a scene of slaughter's here! But I'll soon shift it, never fear.

Gallants, behold! one touch of Merlin's magic, Shall to gay comic change this dismal tragic. (Waves his wand.)

SCENE V.-The Cow discovered.

First, at my word, thou horned cannibal,

Return again our England's Hannibal. (Thunder.)

Griz.

Yet I obey, so take your way,

I must not contradict it.

(To Glum.) Grandest Glum, in my behoof, To love's law be pliant;

Me you'll find a man of proof,

Although not quite a giant.

Glum. (To Griz.) Indeed, Lord Griz, though for

that phiz

Few amorous queens would choose you;
Yet, thus bereft, not one chum left,
I think I can't refuse you.

Merlin. Now love and live, and live and love.
All. Sage Merlin's in the right on't;
Merlin. Each couple prove like hand in glove:
All. Agreed.

Queen. 'Fore George! we'll make a night on't.

ACT I. SCENE I.

Enter SUBTLE, followed by FACE.

Sub. Nay, nay, though thy name be Face, and thou hadst a face of brass, thou shalt not out-face

me.

Face. Then must I be unable to handle a most excellent subject; though shame and thee have long since parted, I will so anatomize that calf's head of thine

Sub. Calf's head! Blood of my life, I have a mind to mark my resentment in such legible characters upon that Tyburn visage of thine, as will put thy features in mourning.

Face. Come on then, see whose stomach will bear bruising best; I'll tickle those pampered sides.

Sub. A poor, ignorant, impertinent, ungrateful wretch; whose life, to my disgrace be it spoken, I have saved; vile emblem of an empty cask, much sound, no contents; canst thon forget the mouldy crusts, Suffolk cheese, and dead small beer, on which thou wert starving, in common with bare-ribbed rats and limping mice.

Face. Mighty well, mighty well, Master Subtle. Sub. Have I not made thee an occasional captain? and am I not filling thy pockets as well as thy belly? have I not taught thee, dull as thou art, to converse with and impose on various degrees of mankind? have I not, from the stupidest slave that ever marred common sense, sharpened thy wit, smoothed thy tongue, polished thy manners,

regulated thy features, to make thee capable of thriving in life, and this treatment my hopeful recompense?

Face. Not so fast, not so fast, master glib-tongue; give echo fair play, or I can bring a powerful balance on my side, to silence your modest worship.

Sub. With contempt I defy thee.

Face. My tongue shall so buffet thee, that thou shalt think half Billingsgate, the seat of thy education, let loose about thy ears, and shrink back that knave's face of thine like a snail into its shell.

Sub. Mighty fine!

Face. Remember St. Giles's, scape-grace, where I found thee a complete emblem of poverty, resembling the fruit of a gibbet seven years exposed to wind and weather, not a coat to thy back, a stocking to thy legs, nor a shoe to thy feet.

Sub. Very well; go on, sir.

Face. Did I not find thee, tatterdemalion, with a beard two inches long, not having wherewithal to pay a penny barber: furrowed brows, sunk eyes, and chattering teeth, crawling by the doors of cookshops, to feed upon the steam of baked ox-heads and shins of beef?

Sub. Tremble, audacious villain, at thy insolence; fear my rage.

Face. Did I not put thee into some liking, snatch thee from Jane Shore's fate, and when thou hadst not as much linen about thee as would furnish a tinder box, did I not, like a guardian genius, bring thee to this house?