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awver a woman.
married state, on the other hand, commends itself This confession of our author's domestic submisequally to all men, and did not need an excep- sion appears to have called forth some sneers from tional intelligence to conceive it, although it is his readers, to which he rejoins in the following true that none but a born poet could have expressed admirable verses, as wise as Solomon himself ever it in such harmonious numbers.
penned, although expressed with a dissimilarity Spooase yev accomplished yer pwint-spooase yev
that extends beyond that of the metre. vound out what the ways meent,
I hear zome fellow zay-I doant mention who in Beginning wi dearly beloved, and endin in coorse partikler, with amazement.
I beant afeard o' my wife, like thic fool Agrikler. Ef yer bad temper and whiins yo vind yev got Ever sence we've been married, I've in zubjection moor than yer match in ;
kipt her, Ef still o' billin and cooin, yo gets moor o'claain Which es actin like a man, and accordin to laa and and scratchin;
scripter, Ef yo expected perfection, and vind yev got Vor doant tha scripter zaay as she es tha waker nothin oncommen;
vessel ? Ef what you thought wer a angel turns out vor to Got no peth in her yarm, and can nither fight nor be but a woman;
wrestle. Ef, like the wisest o' men, a woman yo can't larn I doant mean ta zaay vrom that, tes zactly tha the waays o';
theng to baste her, Ef yo da thenk you'm tuk in-doant be zuch a But as long as she es my wife I'll let her knaw vool as to zay zo.
which is measter. Here, admonished, doubtless, by the reflection that What do I zay to that ?-Well—I'll zay as how he omitted so important a point in his advice to I've heard ont, those about to wed, he expresses a hope that the But as to ets bein a fact, I doant believe a word ont. Benedict has not chosen a creature too wise and Ef yo be stupid and blind, a nod's as good as a
wenk-zo, good for human nature's daily food.
I wont zay youm tellin a lie, but own as mebby yo Marry a woman, becaas—a angel wont suit ye by no
thenk zo. mians.
Vor makin yer wife afeard, yo mid be an out and When a angel da marry a man, a circumstans
out rum un, not very common,
But teant in the nater o' thengs vor a man to come She either do moulty her wengs, and change vrom a bird to a woman;
She middent scowld nor scream-she middent fight Or else—thaw wi duty and love yo tries very hard
nor scratch ye, vor ta bind her,
But ef youm the divil hiszelf, she 'll vind a waay to She'll vlee to tha wordle above, where yo must luk sharp vor ta vind her.
You'll never carry tha daay, wi fears athout any Angels beant fit to live here-woodent it zeem feavours, reather shockin,
Vor strict husbands spwile true wives, and tyrants To zee one a-nussin a babby-or weshin--or mendin breed desavers. a stockin:
Yer wife and yer childern too (ef yo axe tha rayson
why, man), With respect to the husband's line of conduct, it Ef afеard to tell ye tha truth, will be shour to tell must, of course, be guided by circumstances ; our ye a lie, man, author does not pretend to lay down rules for all. Vor ef you be a divil—(we doant get fegs vrom He speaks liable to correction, as though he were
briars), addressing his wife herself.
Yer childern ull teake aater you, vor tha divil's
tha feather o' liars. Wi regard ta the tratement o' wives, I mid be
There are a number of quaint stories in this little right or rong, man; Vor wives be zummut like zider-mooastly zweet volume, for the materials of which our author owns when thair young, man.
he is indebted to others, but he tells them humorNew zider doant suit ould men. I knawed one as ously and well in his peculiar diction. The Bull stoale zome,
and the Frog' is excellent; and Sir Walter Scott's But et deddent agree wi he, vor a vound et moor well-known story of an Irishman's linen is most zweet than houlsome.
pleasantly told under the name of 'A Taile of a But young men shud her young wives, and if yev Zhirt.' the luck ta get her,
The king who had got all that heart could wish Hev one fresh vrom tha reng, and tha zweeter she for, yet couldn't be happy, had tried every recipe es the better.
for being so : A woman shud hev a tongue-zom mid prefer a tame un;
He'd zent vor a lot o' docturs (ad got zome money But evry man to hes tiaste-Agrikler likes a giame to vool away),
Doctur Cockle and Doctur Parr, Doctur Morrison, Ef she be jonick and true, or as passon zes fiddle
Doctur Hollowaay; us semper ;
And thic Jarman doctur, too, as a Scotchmun ud Let her hev plenty of pluck, I'll larn to put up wi
caal a canny man, her temper.
The shugger-plum doctur, I mean, thic docturEt middent come azy at vust; or reather, I'll zay, Doctur Hannyman, the fact es,
As works zome wunderful cures, or otherguess Tez azy enough to larn, but divilish hard to practise. miakes girt slaughter, Vor thaw a woman ull promus to honor and obay, Wi' a half a shugger-plum mixd in about dree man,
hogsheads o' waater. Ef yo expects she ta do zo, best tell her ta hev her own And, onless yo shud tiake too much, gies to ye wi waay, man.
this warnin :
ye noo harm.
* A drap and a half at night, and half a drap in tha repeat that this is one of the few exceptional cases mornin'
in which a local dialect is excusable, and heightens And ef it doant cure yer complaaint, and act, as the humour of which it is the vehicle.
thay zes, like a charm, Of one theng yo mid be sartain-teant likely to do
A NERVOUS TRAVELLER. Doctur Lansut and Doctur Leech wer then in girt THOSE of you who had the pleasure of living in And thay bleedud un in the yarm, and thay bleedud the country four years ago, know how remarkun furder down;
ably hot the weather was. Flies and wasps, becz
and spiders, struggling for their lives in an ocean And yet he was not happy.
of tepid cream, tea-kettles boiling without being Then, when the docturs ded faail—a sarcumstance put on the fire, haystacks burning of their own not oncommon,
accord—these were some of the horrors which Hes majisty's last resoorce, wer the advice of zome characterised the summer of 1868.
ould ooman, Zes she : ‘Thers one theng ull cure yer majisty in
But if England was hot, Russia was hotter. The a crack,
temperature was often so high, that India was left, Get tha xhirt of a happy man, and hev un warm speaking literally, in the shade. It was dangerous
vrom hes back; You'll be happy as tha daay, when once yo gets it was spontaneous liquefaction to put one foot
to venture out in the sun in the middle of the day; inzide o'n, Vor the zhirt of a happy man, no blue-divil can
before the other. When you tried to put your abide un.'
boots on, you found them full of beetles, who had In accordance with the accepted story, his majesty
gone there for the sake of a little shelter. When goes to Rome, to Paris, to Berlin, and though tind- you had got them on, you called, with all the little ing many garments · meade o' tha vinest
oʻlinnin, voice you had left, for two men and a boot-jack to does not discover the article he is in search of pull them off again. All the world stood still, or the shirt of a happy man. Even in England he is You had not the energy to abuse even the mosquito
sat still, or lay still, and gave itself up to its fate. still unfortunate.
which perched itself on the end of your celestial For aalthaw John Bull wer rich, a werdnt a bit nose. If you brushed it away, it returned in a content,
moment or two with several lively friends, who Vor hes money wer laayin dead, or vetchin but two converted your face into a battlefield, and dus
trenches, soon to be filled with human gore and And that ded miake he onhappy-our constitution their own shattered remains. And so you may es zuch,
imagine that I found it no pleasant prospect, in That, next wuss to hevin too littel, es hevin a littel too the midst of these annoyances, to contemplate a
much. And, to hey too much or too littel, ull get a man Moreover, as I was only just recovering from a
railway journey from St Petersburg to Berlin. into a bother, And I never met wi' one yet as werdnt in one ciase severe illness-brought on by drinking incautizuely or tother.
some of the detestable river-water-I was not in Zo tha Keng, disappwinted once moor, saaild on
the most charming temper or in the highest spirits
. vor tha Isle caald tha greeny un,
Behold me, however, seated on a four-wheeled And theer a ded meet wi' a chap—I niddent zay drosky, without springs, with a large trunk behind twerdnt no Fenian.
me, and a small hat-box before me, speeding Twer Pat, in hes best and wust cloase, jest comd towards the railway station; the strong, #iry little out vor a holiday,
Russian horses pulling with a will
, in spite of the Wi' plenty o'whisky, be shour, hevin a regular fierce glare of the sun ; the driver emitting paths, jolly daay.
mingled with a strong odour of onions, Russian And now, jest to siave myzelf trouble, and nither leather, sheepskin, and stale tobacco; the passenger
to alter or blot, I'll gie ye tha rest'o ' tha tail in tha rhymes of Zur holding on for his life, of which he had not much
left. Åt last the station is reached ; porters rush Walter Scott. “That's tha chap!' zed tha Keng; ‘ketch hould- forward ; away goes my luggage ; away goes the doant do tha poor bagger noo hurt,
drosky on its return passage, the driver suspecting But will he, or nill he, BY ALLAH I'll hev thic that change will be asked for. Irishmun's zhurt.'
There being only two trains during the day *Shillelagh !' the Irishmun zed; “yer plan I'll zoon which run through to Berlin, you may imagine be afther baulkin;'
that they were usually well filled with passengers. Much less provocation zometimes, ud zet the whole After taking my ticket, I took a survey of the
ket on um walkin. But tha odds as ud Hercules foil, wer too much vor had decided on going into one of them, which held
. They were all occupied. Just as I poor Paddy Whack, Vor thay pulld off hes cooat by maain foorce, but evidently excited and hurried, whether this was
four persons, I was asked, in French, by a man when thay had stripped un, alack ! Tha vust happy man as thay vound had niver a
the train for the continent. I replied in the affirhirt' to hes back.
mative, and he, friend of his, and myself, took
our seats. The whistle sounds, and we start. Let • Agrikler' uses too many italics, and is some- me here explain to you the construction of the times a little coarser than is necessary ; but he is carriages, which differ from those of both England an amusing writer, and a great deal of sound sense and America. A door opens in the middle of the underlies his fun. The book would be worth read- side of the carriage. On entering this door vous ing if it were written in good English ; but we straight forward for about a yard; to the right and
left of you are two other passages, at the ends of Long tongues of fire darted out here and there,
, yet plainly dressed, but with an carpet-bag belonging to the latter man of the two, amazing profusion of rings on their fingers, set whom I will call Douglas. He and Brookes, his with diamonds, evidently of great value, or else of companion, lay down on the seat opposite to me, no value at all.
thus leaving me the other seat all to myself; The survey was, on the whole, then, satisfactory, Brookes with his head next to the window, and and I buried myself in my paper once more, when, his face towards me; I with my face turned to my astonishment, I heard the dark man say to towards him, so close that I could almost have his friend, in plain, unmistakable English: “It is touched him. Douglas lay on the opposite seat, fortunate that we have secured a compartment with his head next the other window, and also with so much room in it.' I cannot tell you how facing me. This prolix statement is necessary to much pleased I was once more to have the oppor- make you understand my story. Under my head
Ι tunity of speaking a little English, and I soon was an overcoat, in the pocket of which reposed a joined in the conversation. They seemed at first six-barrelled revolver, an old travelling companion, affable, but soon, no doubt, felt the natural distrust so that by merely putting my hand under my which is so characteristic of John Bull on his head, I could place my finger on the trigger. Howtravels. However, it turned out that although ever, scarcely a feeling of suspicion crossed my they spoke English, it was here and there inter- mind. Douglas asked me if I objected to having spersed with a slight smattering of "Artemus the curtain drawn over the lamp. Of course not. Wardism. They both belonged to the northern This done, we could just see one another, but very states, and our reserve soon wore off as we argued indistinctly. Then he lay down again, and there out the respective claims of Federals and Con- was a dead silence. federates. I need not tell you that both my The train went on and on, not a house to be companions had travelled a great deal. I never seen through the thick forests. Suddenly a thought met an American who had not!
flashed upon me: What would be easier than to They had gone to the very extremity of the line rob a man, and throw him out of the window ? of rail which was then being laid down from He would lie in the forest, and soon the wolves Moscow to the East. They had slept with the would find him out, and disperse all traces of him, workmen in the open air, and snored away quite eating his seal-skin waistcoat with as much relish calmly among a horde of semi-barbarians. Of as his carcass. I laughed to myself. “How absurd course, one of them had been to Jerusalem to see this is,' said I. 'I have no reason for suspecting how they were getting on with the excavations these men.' True, they had been whispering there. We got on well together, and were on together, and their rings were rather too numersufficiently intimate terms at the end of the day ous. • But what a fool I am. I will go to sleep; to agree to sleep in the same carriage. The win- at anyrate, I am tired enough.' dows were double, and only half of the double I had scarcely closed my eyes, when, in the window would open; the seats were thickly stillness, I heard a sharp quick sound—click. I cushioned. The sun had been shining in through held my breath, and listened ; every nerve strained the double glass upon our unfortunate heads, so to the utmost. “That sounds to me very much that we were only too glad to solace ourselves with like the sound of a pistol being cocked. Absurd ; iced beer and execrable claret at the few stations no one carries pistols now. Americans, especially, we saw. For miles and miles we went on through always carry revolvers.' Again, click. This is thick forests, without seeing a single house. And the second time,' I thought. Still not a trace of then the evening came; and after the sun had any movement. The rug under which Douglas set, the air seemed almost as sultry as before. was sleeping at the other end of the carriage, and We dined together, and then adjourned to an end from which the sound came, did not move.
I compartment of another carriage. A lamp had noiselessly passed my hand under my head, and been lighted in it, and there was a curtain, which, felt for my six-shooter. Thank God, it was there. when drawn over the lamp, rendered the carriage I grasped it, and laid my finger on the trigger; almost dark. Soon after we left the station where and thinking of the favourite plan of shooting a we had dined, a sudden glare of light burst upon man through one's pocket, I turned the muzzle of us ; we felt the train quickening its speed, and a my trusty friend towards Douglas. All this withmoment or two we were overpowered by a sutlo- out speaking a word. cating smoke. We closed the windows, and found "He will have the first shot, at anyrate,' thought that the forest on each side of us was in flames. I; “but I shall be able to return it before he has
fired a second. But alone with two men, who are only station at which we should pause for the next doubtless armed, I shall have a poor chance.' I six or seven hours. I got a strong cup of cotite, cannot tell you the rapidity with which the and returned. I was determined not to change thoughts went through my mind-thoughts of sin into another carriage; I was deterinined to conunabsolved, strangely intermingled with others quer these foolish feelings, no doubt created by of calm, unpitying hate towards my enemy. But the wretched state of my nerves. I remained silent. Once more a sharp click. I I opened the door of my compartment, and nearly fired-thank God, I did not—and then paused for a moment near to the seat where again, click, click, click, in quick succession. 'Ah, Douglas was lying. That moment, as I afterwards my friend,' thought I, “I see what you are about; found, nearly cost me my life. With a voice like you are turning your revolver round, in order to thunder, Douglas leaped to his feet, and asked me place the caps on the nipples.' And again, click, what I was doing. click. I could not help it. I strung myself up to With inexpressible politeness, I answered that I the task, and asked with a cold calmness which had been into the station: I wondered if he wished makes me almost shudder to think of it: “What to pick a quarrel with me. the devil is that noise ?'
He did not reply, except by a surly grumble. I 'I am only winding up my watch !'
went and lay down as before ; I could not keep What an idiot I am, and doubtless you will all awake. At last, giving myself up to my fate, I concur in the statement. Very well ; wait a little. turned my face to the wall of the carriage, and with I immediately wound up my own watch, which my revolver in my hand, went off into a sound sleep. had been forgotten, and determined to go to sleep. The next morning came. Went into the station "What is the use of all these absurd suspicions ?' I and performed our scant; ablutions together. And reasoned.
then, all looking very tired, and very thankful that At last, with my hand on my revolver, I went day had come, we gradually began to talk with to sleep. I slept well, but awoke suddenly. No! civility to one another. Yes! There, as plain as possible, stood Douglas Douglas asked me what kind of a night I had by my side. The hammer of my revolver was passed. raised within a hair's-breadth of the point at which I laughed and said : ‘Not a very good one." it would fall and strike the cap. Should I fire or 'For my part,' said he, 'I did not sleup a wink not?
the whole night.? In the dead of night, to be roused suddenly from At last, the whole reason of these alarms came one's sleep is startling, but to see a man stooping out. The night before, when we were getting over you when you do awake, is decidedly very ready for bed, he had noticed the butt of my startling indeed, especially if you have reason to revolver sticking out of my pocket. This aroused suspect him of bad intentions.
He began, as I had done, to And now, with my finger pressed firmly upon think over what might happen. He thought of the trigger, but without any attempt to leap to iny me at Baden-Baden with his bank-notes, and of feet, as I had at first thought of doing, I watched himself lying out in the woods, and of the affechim. He looked hard at me. I did not move, tion those wolves would have for a full-sized and then I saw him take out something which American ; and so his nerves were shaky, just as glittered in the moonlight: it was a key. And mine had been. His suspicions were also aroused then he leaned over me. Then said I with a feel- by the way in which I had asked what the noise ing of rage in my heart : “What on earth are you was when he was winding up his watch. doing?
At last he could not rest, and, going very gently He was so startled, that he almost fell back- and with great caution, lest he should arouse the wards. This sudden movement nearly made me slumbering lion with the revolver, he unlocked his fire; and then he answered: 'I am only going to bag, and drew out of it a formidable six-shooter take something out of my bag.'
also. He knew of the plan of firing without exThis bag, as I told you, was in the netting over posing one's weapon to sight, and expected, he my head ; hence he was obliged to lean over me said, to feel my bullet every moment as he stood to reach it. I said, very bad-temperedly: “Take it exposed with his arms raised to the netting over down, then. He muttered to himself, and got the my head. Then, when I came in from the station, bag down. He little thought that there was only he was suddenly aroused from a doze, and it was a hair's-breadth between him and death. If he with the greatest difficulty, for a moment, that he could have looked through my rug, he would have refrained from firing. Had either of us given way seen the muzzle of my revolver pointed to his to our first impulse, we should probably have gone heart.
on firing our six barrels at one another until one of He turned aside, keeping an eye on me all the us could fire no longer, and then the other would while
, and took something from his bag. What it have had to pop the body through the window, was, I could not see. Then he went back and lay and say no more about it, and, whether confessing down, and all was still. What was it he had the fact or not, have run a good chance of being taken from his bag? I could not sleep ; I dared sent off to the mines of Siberia without any more not turn my back to them both. They lay so questions being asked. After a mutual explosion quietly witħout a sound of breathing that I of laughter, we became excellent friends, and was sure they were not asleep. At length, by way travelled together in much harmony to Berlin. of hastening matters, I pretended to sleep ; I The moral I draw from this adventure is, a word breathed heavily ; I do not know whether I did and a blow, but the word first. not give a snore. However, nothing happened. I grew more and more sleepy' ; I was worn out, ill Printed and Published by W. & R. CHAMBERS, 17 Pater as I was, with the fatigues of my long journey. noster Row, London, and 339 High Street, EDINBURGS. Soon, however, the train stopped. This was the Also sold by all Booksellers,
LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND ART: ;
CONDUCTED BY WILLIAM AND ROBERT CIAMBERS.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1872.
force of habit, I'd almost got home before I rememBURGLARIOUSLY AND FELONIOUSLY.
bered the bag of money. It was vexing, too, beWe had just locked up the safe, and I had put the cause we had a tea-party that night, the first since key in my pocket-I am the accountant of the our marriage, and it began at six o'clock, and I'd North and South of England Bank at its Padsey promised to be home an hour earlier, to draw the Branch, W. R. Yorks.—I had got my hat on, and corks and help to get things ready. And here it had taken up my umbrella, when a man came was six o'clock, and I had to go all the way back running into the bank with a bag of money in his to the bank. hand.
All the way back I went as hard as I could pelt. “Am I in time?' he cried. I shook my head. However, the money was all right in my desk, and
• Deuce take it!' he said ; and I'm off to now I'd put it in the safe. "Tell Mr Cousins'-our Liverpool by the next train, and then to Ame- manager, you know—I said to the servant who'd let rica.'
me in, 'that I want the key of the safe.' But you "Sorry for it,' I said ; ' but we can't take the had it in your pocket, say you ; which shews that money'
you are not acquainted with the rules and regula"Well, then, what is to be done? Here's tions of the North and South of England Bank, twenty-two thousand pounds in this bag, and which say that the accountant or chief-cashier those drafts of mine come due in a couple of days. shall be responsible for the due custody of the Well, you'll have to take 'em up,' he said ; 'I cash whilst it is in his possession in the daytime, can't, unless you take the money in to-night.' and that at night all moneys and securities shall
I knew that those drafts were coming due, and be carefully secured within the office safe, which that our manager was
a little anxious about shall be secured by two keys, one of which shall them, for they were rather heavy, and the other be in the custody of the manager, and the second names on them were not very good. Black, too, in that of the accountant or cashier. But, you say
-that was the man with the money-bag-Black again, as long as you had one key, what did you was a capital customer; and not only a good cus- want with two ? There, I own, the regulations are tomer himself, but he brought good accounts with obscure. They were drawn up by somebody withhim, and we were a young branch and on our out any literary skill; if they'd consulted me about mettle.
'em, I could have suggested a good many improveWell, here was the money to meet the drafts, ments. What they meant to say was, that the safe anyhow, and I should have been a great fool to was to be secured by two locks, and that a key of send it away just because it was after-hours. So each, not interchangeable the one with the other, I counted it all over: there was about nineteen was to be in the custody, &c. Now you underthousand in cheques and notes, and three thousand stand why I wanted Mr Cousins' key. in gold.
“Eh, my!' said the servant, opening her mouth • Come and have a glass of beer with me,' said wide, ' and what might you want Mr Cousins' key Black, 'on the way to the station.'
for?' I put the bag of money in my desk, and locked Just as stupid as you, you see.
I was mad it up. I would come back presently, and have it with the girl. I own I always get out of temper placed in the safe. I walked to the station with with those Yorkshire people. If you ask 'em the Black; we had some beer together, and then he simplest question, first they open their mouths and went off Americawards, and I on the way to gape at you. When you've repeated the question Nemophillar Villas. You see, I was rather in the twice, they shut their mouths and think for a bit. habit of calling for a glass of beer as I went home, Then the idea seems to reach the thing that does and then going on; and, consequently, from the duty with 'em for brains, and excites a sort of reflex