Though at cach rasp his chin was drench'd with gore,
His lot, the stoic, uncomplaining, bore;
For to poor wits the privilege belongs,
With resignation to support their wrongs
Just then, the barber's cat, in theft surprised,
Was by the shopman wofully chastised;
Puss, who less patience than the bard possess'd,
In piercing cries, her agony express'd:-
The barber, sulky and displeased before,
Now at his shopman like a trooper swore,
And with a Stentor's voice the cook-maid calls,

To know from whence proceed those hideous squalls:-
""Tis doubtless," cried the wit, with great hilarity,
"Some poor cat, by your shopman, shaved for Charity!"

Law.

Jones.

LAW is law-law is law; and as in such and so forth and hereby, and aforesaid, provided always, nevertheless, notwithstanding. Law is like a country dance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of surgery, there are a great many desperate cases in it. It is also like physic, they that take least of it are best off. Law is like a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow. Law is also like a scolding wife, very bad when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion, people are bewitched to get into it: it is also like bad weather, most people are glad when they get out of it.

We shall now mention a cause, called “Bullum versus Boatum:" it was a cause that came before me. The cause was as follows.

There were two farmers: farmer A. and farmer B. Farmer A. was seized or possessed of a bull: farmer B. was seized or possessed of a ferry-boat. Now, the owner of the ferry-boat, having made his boat fast to a post on shore, with a piece of hay, twisted rope-fashion, or, as we say, vulgo vocato, a hay-band. After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore; as it was very natural for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner: farmer A.'s bull, as it was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to look for a dinner; and, observing, discovering, seeing, and spying out some turnips in the bottom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into the ferry-boat; he ate up the turnips, and, to make an end of his ineal,

fell to work upon the hay-band: the boat, being eaten from its moorings, floated down the river, with the bull in its it struck against a rock; beat a hole in the bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard: whereupon the owner of the bull brought his action against the boat, for runing away with the bull: the owner of the boat brought his action against the bull, for running away with the boat: And thus notice of trial was given, Bullum versus Boatum, Boatum versus Bullum.

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Now the counsel for the bull began with saying: My lord, and you gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull. We are indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my lord, we have heard of running horses, but never of running bulls, before. Now, my lord, the bull could no more run away with the boat, than a man in a coach may be said to run away with the horses; therefore, my lord, how can we punish what is not punishable? How can we eat what is not eatable? Or how can we drink what is not drinkable? Or, as the law says, how can we think on what is not thinkable? Therefore, my lord, as we are counsel in this cause for the bull; if the jury should bring the bull in guilty, the jury would be guilty of a bull."

The counsel for the boat observed, that the bull should be nonsuited; because, in his declaration, he had not specified what colour he was of; for thus wisely, and thus learnedly, spoke the counsel!" My lord, if the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour; and, if he was not of any colour, what colour could the bull be of?" I overruled this motion myself, by observing, the bull was a white bull, and that white is no colour: besides, as I told my brethren, they should not trouble their heads to talk of colour in the law, for the law can colour any thing. This cause being afterwards left to a reference, upon the award, both bull and boat were acquitted; it being proved, that the tide of the river carried them both away: upon which, I gave it as my opinion, that, as the tide of the river carried both bull and boat away, both bull and boat had a good action against the water-bailiff.

My opinion being taken, an action was issued; and, upon the traverse, this point of law arose: How, wherefore, and whether, why, when, and what, whatsoever, whereas, and whereby, as the boat was not a compos-mentis evidence, how could an oath be administered? That point was soon

settled, by Boatum's attorney declaring, that, for his client, he would swear any thing.

The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out of the original record, in true law Latin; which set forth, in their declaration, that they were carried away either by the tide of flood, or the tide of ebb. The charter of the water-bailiff was as follows: Aquæ bailiffi est magistratus in choisi super omnibus fishibus qui habuerunt finnos et scalos, claws, shells, et talos, qui swimmare in freshibus, vel saltibus riveris, lakis, pondis, canalibus, et well boats; sive oysteri, prawni, whitini, shrimpi, turbutus solus; that is, not turbots alone, but turbots and soles both together. But now comes the nicety of the law; the law is as nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be understood by addle-headed people. Bullum and Boatum mentioned both ebb and flood, to avoid quibbling; but it being proved, that they were carried away neither by the tide of flood, nor by the tide of ebb, but exactly upon the top of high water, they were nonsuited; but such was the lenity of the court, upon their paying all costs, they were allowed to begin again, de novo. Stevens.

The Newcastle Apothecary.

A MAN in many a country town we know
Professing openly with Death to wrestle;
Entering the field against the grimly foe,
Arm'd with a mortar and a pestle.

Yet some affirm, no enemies they are;
But meet just like prize-fighters in a fair:
Who first shake hands before they box,
Then give each other plaguy knocks,
With all the love and kindness of a brother.
So, many a suffering patient saith,-
Though the apothecary fights with Death,
Still they're sworn friends to one another.
A member of this Esculapian line,
Lived at Newcastle-upon-Tyne:
No man could better gild a pill;

Or make a bill;

Or mix a draught, or bleed, or blister;
Or draw a tooth out of your head;

Or chatter scandal by your bed;

Or spread a plaster.

Of occupations, these were quantum suff:
Yet still he thought the list not long enough;
And therefore midwifery he chose to pin to't.
This balanced things; for, if he hurl'd
A few score mortals from the world,

He made amends by bringing others into't.

His fame, full six miles round the country ran,
In short, in reputation he was solus!

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All the old women call'd him a fine man!"
His name was Bolus.

Benjamin Bolus, though in trade,

-Which oftentimes will genius fetter,

Read works of fancy, it is said,

And cultivated the Belles Lettres.

And why should this be thought so odd?
Can't men have taste that cure a phthisic?
Of poetry though patron god,

Apollo patronises physic.

Bolus loved verse;-and took so much delight in't,
That his prescriptions he resolved to write in't:
No opportunity he e'er let pass

Of writing the directions on his labels,

In dapper couplets-like Gay's Fables, Or rather like the lines in Hudibras.

Apothecary's verse!-and where's the treason?
"Tis simple honest dealing;-not a crime:
When patients swallow physic without reason,
It is but fair to give a little rhyme.

He had a patient lying at death's door,

Some three miles from the town-it might be four; To whom one evening Bolus sent an articleIn pharmacy, that's call'd cathartical;

And on the label of the stuff,

He wrote this verse;

Which one should think was clear enough,

And terse:

When taken,

To be well shaken."

Next morning early, Bolus rose;
And to the patient's house he goes
Upon his pad,

Who a vile trick of stumbling had:
It was indeed a very sorry hack;
But that's of course:

For what's expected from a horse,
With an apothecary on his back?

Bolus arrived, and gave a double tap,
Between a single and a double rap.-
Knocks of this kind

Are given by gentlemen who teach to dance;
By fiddlers, and by opera-singers:
One loud, and then a little one behind,
As if the knocker fell, by chance
Out of their fingers.-

The servant let him in with dismal face,
Long as a courtier's out of place—

Portending some disaster:

John's countenance as rueful look'd and grim,
As if the apothecary had physick'd him,
And not his master.

"Well, how's the patient?" Bolus said. John shook his head.

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Indeed?-hum!-ha!-that's very odd,

He took the draught?"-John gave a nod!

Well-how? What then?-Speak out, you dunce!"
Why then," says John, "we shook him once."

Shook him!-how?" Bolus stammer'd out.

We jolted him about."

Zounds! shake a patient, man-a shake won't do."
No, sir-and so we gave him two."

"Two shakes!-odds curse!

'Twould make the patient worse."

"It did so, sir-and so a third we tried."

"Well, and what then?"" Then, sir, my master died!"

་་

Colman.