THE CLYDE. BEAUTIES OF SCOTCH SCENERY AS SEEN BY OUR ARTIST. DEAR MR. PUNCH, A PROTEST. PREPARING TO RECEIVE BRADLAUGH. (Extract from the Diary of the Sergeant-at-Arms.) Monday.-Up early. Practised with dumb bells. Walked two miles. Had half-an-hour with the gloves and the Professor-an ex-member of the P.R. Missed my guard, and got a nasty one. The Professor doubts whether BR-DL-GH is up to the dodge. Hope he isn't. Rub down. Training-diet. Had a turn with Cornish Professional Wrestler. Threw me every time. DID you see the picture in last week's Illustrated London News, called "A Midsummer Night on the Terrace of the House of Commons"? Young and old Members enjoying themselves with ladies who, I am perfectly sure, are neither their wives nor their sisters-they may be convenient cousins-and only one elderly Chaperone, who ought to be ashamed of herself. Tumblers of iced drinks with straws in them-it's the last straw that shows which way the wind blows-coffee, cigars, and, I think, one of the cousins with a cigarette in her hand. I can't see it, but it is suggested by the attitude, and I am sure it's there. Pretty goings on, indeed! Is this what keeps them so late? Are these ladies the real obstruc-pupil. BR-DL-GH hasn't a chance with me. Experientia GOSSETT, tionists? I'm disgusted. Was it for this that my husband, M.P. for Stow-in-the-Hole, sent me down to our country house and regretted his inability to accompany me because he couldn't "find a pair"? But the Illustrated has done us poor wives good service. It ought to have called its picture" Pairs." Pairs," indeed!more like apples, I mean "The Forbidden Fruit." But not another day do I remain at The Moated Grange, Stow-in-the-Hole, as sure as my name's MARIANA. A PROMISING PLANT. 66 The Rest of the Week.-Improving. Biceps firmer and firmer. On Wednesday propped the Professor with an upper cut that made him see stars. Gave him another, just as he was recovering, that made him see comets. We shook hands. He says I'm his prize Thursday afternoon threw the Cornishman twice, and gave my Westmoreland Professor much better than he gave me, with a curious back-fall over the left hip, which is an invention of my own. If BR-DL-GH tries this, he's nowhere. Regret I can't teach my talented assistants in the House, but I'm afraid they're too old to learn. Gave 'em a set-to on Friday, just to see what they were made of, but they all fell about like ninepins. They'll do very well to pick up my man, when 1 drop him, and their united efforts may carry him down-stairs (unless I've previously saved them the trouble by sending him down flying-to be left in Westminster Hall till called for), and convey him to the Clock Tower, where he might feel inclined for a "wind-up," which would finish him. Keep up my training and my pecker till BR-DL-GH appears, and then, like the two gendarmes in Geneviève de Brabant"I'll run him in, I'll run him in, For I am the Sergeant-at-Arms! THE suggestion made by the World, that somebody should turn Baker Street into a Boulevard, is excellent. And in the recent hot weather no idea could have been happier. That a Londoner should be able to sit out and enjoy himself anywhere in the hot evening air, save on his own doorstep, seems to open up whole vistas of new social enjoyment. But why stop at Baker Street? Why indeed stop at a Sergeant! did I say? Why by this time, with my biceps as hard Boulevard? Why not let half-a-dozen military bands play every as steel, and in my splendid physical condition plus my professional day in the Parks and Gardens of the Metropolis? Why not illumi-knowledge, I'm the Ser-géant-at-Arms, and I advise Daddy Longnate the "Zoo" and the "Horticultural," and give good music at legs who won't say his prayers to keep the Ser-géant at arm's cheap prices in the Continental style? So plant the trees in Baker length, or I'll take him by both legs, and . . . . but there-why Street as soon as possible. If in a day or two, as will probably be boast ?-he won't be "in it" with me. the case, it should be impossible to sit out after seven without a hot After my easy victory I shall walk round and show my muscle. water bottle and an ulster, what of that? Let the wax figures from The Home-Rulers will tremble. Might exhibit Indian club-practice Madame TUSSAUD's have an airing. Anyhow, let the movement with the Mace. All in good time. At present I am prepared to commence, and who knows but before long the note of the nightin- receive BR-DL-GH. gale may not be heard in the Lowther Arcade, and even the City Griffin be mercifully covered up in ivy? MR. O'DONOVAN ROSSA'S MOTTO.-"Dyna-mite is Right." ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. soothe the indignant lion, protesting that no harm is meant, and if there is a true friend to the Land Bill it is your Whigling. But the lion only snorts impatiently, and presently comes the division, which shows, that Tories, the Ministerial majority is reduced to 36. Suppose that's what TREVELYAN means by "Wigs on the green." MONDAY, July 25.-Great Transvaal Debate to-night. MICHAEL by the alliance of Whigs and HICKS-BEACH led off in speech of immense length and profound depth. The speech prepared some months ago, and not improved with keeping. It has lived night and day with MICHAEL, and, naturally, has had most depressing effect. He will be better to-morrow, as a man is after he has been cupped. But it has been Sheet Lightning. a terrible visitation, and shows the malignant lengths to which political animosity may be pushed. The House had the speech for only an hour and a half, and withered under it. Yet they permitted the Government to compel MICHAEL to go about with it for months, refusing him deliverance. No wonder his cheek has grown hollow, his eye glassy, and his step languid. Old Man of the Sea a trifle to it. But all over now; orator and speech doing well. 66 Reminds me of childhood's happy hour," FORSTER said whilst the Right Hon. Baronet was droning along. "Had a wicked nurse who threw a sheet over her head, put a phosphorus match in her mouth, whitened her face, and coming into the nursery in the dim twilight, made fearful inarticulate sounds rather alarming than pleasing to the infant mind." Really gives a very good idea of Sir MICHAEL's style. Quite reassuring to hear Alderman FowWLER cheer. Been rather quiet of late. Am told that Baron DE WORMS and one or two other Members sitting near have represented to him the necessity of moderating his transports. But to-night a great occasion, and the Alderman in full cry. Also Colonel MAKINS, who, as WILFRID LAWSON says, has in him" the makings" of a great orator, only he rarely gets beyond 66 Hear! hear!" Mr. WARTON absent during the early part of the debate, but came in in time to settle the PREMIER. In fine form to-night. Full of exquisite humour. Joke is when GLADSTONE is making a point, to break in with cries of "Oh! Oh!" or with the loud laugh which Mr. GOLDSMITH says speaks the vacant mind. So successful to-night, that the baited PREMIER appealed to the SPEAKER. This looked serious; and Mr. WARTON was thenceforward dumb. But had done enough to establish his character as wit and humorist in the mind of Mr. WHITLEY, and one or two others, who sit near him. Business done.-Vote of censure on Ministerial policy set aside by a majority of 109 in favour of vote of approval. Tuesday.-"Come on, TOBY; there'll be wigs on the green presently." It was the voice of Mr. TREVELYAN, who passed on, hurrying into the House. I followed, marvelling. Lord EDMOND FITZMAURICE is what is called a Whig. But he was not on the green. Simply on his feet. I suppose it was a quotation. Wish I had laughed, instead of looking stupid. Always laugh, or smile knowingly, when literary men say anything you don't understand. Sure to be a quotation. Lord EDMOND much moved by his own speech. House the same; only in this case the movement in direction of wondering when it is going to end. House very full. Evidently something up. Opposition look pleased, Irish Members openly scornful, Liberals distressed. GLADSTONE in a mighty fume. Lord EDMOND not at ease. Wants to limit main portion of the Land Bill to tenancies of £100 value. Thenceforth suspicious that he is playing into the hands of the Conservatives. Mr. GLADSTONE up at last, firing 74 pounders all round. Thought we'd finished with the Land Bill, and the unrivalled series of speeches made by the PREMIER. But here's another. Supply inexhaustible, and PREMIER plainly unexhausted. Shrivels up his "noble friend" with pitying anger; pulverises W. H. SMITH who had ventured to offer a few mild remarks, and declaring that "here we firmly stand," incontinently sits down. Mr. BRAND tries to "You know ALLAN RAMSAY?" MUNDELLA said, when we met in the lobby. "Oh! yes," I say, not going to be caught again. "He's Member for the Falkirk Burghs, humorist and distiller; makes jokes and Islay malt." "No, I mean the other RAMSAY who made poetry, of this kind:"Whigs and Tories scratch and bite Just as hungry dogs, we see. Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight; Throw a couple they agree.' Nothing personal you know, Toby. one bone serves for both." LAND BILL William bidding a temporary farewell to his little Bill, "just taken up." Only it seems that sometimes Business done.-Land Bill considered on Report. Wednesday. RANDOLPH, whom HARCOURT calls "the Champagne CHARLIE of the House of Commons," has, after the manner of that eminent personage, "made up his mind for a spree." Land Bill to have been finished ten days ago. Then the end was certain a slowly working through Report. Everyone sick to death of it. Was week after. We were to have finished last Friday. We were to have ended on Monday. Yesterday was positively the last day. Here is to-day, and now to-morrow is fixed for the great event. Seems actually so near at hand that arrangements are made in respect of the Third Reading. Everybody thinks there has been fight enough. No one going to take a division on Third Reading. RANDOLPH looks round, surveying the unsuspecting House. NORTHCOTE nobbled; PARNELL pacified; all going on smoothly. Happy thought strikes RANDOLPH. What a lark it would be to drop into the Assembly a bombshell in the shape of a notice of Amendment to the Third Reading! How GLADSTONE would fume, how NORTHwould once more be shaken in his allegiance, halting between his COTE would fret, how Mr. BIGGAR would grin, and how Mr. HEALY native chief and the kindred spirit on the bench below! No sooner said than done. RANDOLPH draws up an Amendment full of large words, and reads it out with great satisfaction to himself, and amid uproarious applause from Mr. WARTON. Business done.-Land Bill further considered on Report. Thursday Night.-ASHMEAD-BARTLETT nearly tumbled over me just now. Rushing about in most excited style, with his locks floating in the wind like the drapery of a seraph. Always like a chat with ASHMEAD. Wonderfully informing man. Knows the put questions to HARTINGTON, spoken as plainly as I could, but they wouldn't listen, and now all is over, and in a few weeks, perhaps days, the Russians will be selling sheepskins in the bazaars at Calcutta." He "Come, come, ASHMEAD, brush away that tear; I daresay nobody will buy them." But it was no use. would not be comforted, and passed onward with the same long stride, and his locks floating in the ambient air of the lobby. Glad I know nothing of foreign politics. Only brings trouble on a man. Business done.-Finished Report on Land Bill. Friday Night.-Out of the troubled Commons into the peaceful Lords. There all glare and uproar and rancour and laughter and HEALY. Here dim lights, unbroken silence, empty galleries, six Peers, and no Lord Chancellor. Presently comes the noise of the tramp of many feet, and, jostling, pushing, and laughing, the Commons, surging at the bar, desecrate the silence and solemnity of the place. Lord MONSON suggests that Lord THURLOW should take the Woolsack, which he does, looking several sizes too small by reason of having neither wig nor gown. Then Lord MONSON moves that the Land Bill be read a First Time. There is no one to say "No," and the thing is done. Great chance of a coup d'état. Lord CORK saw it first, and thus began: "Say, MONSON, we're in a clear majority. Let's move to suspend the Standing Orders, read the Bill a Second Time, rush it through Committee, take the Report, and read it a Third Time. Finish by midnight, and save no end of trouble." Lord MONSON paused. "No," he said, "people would talk." So they read the Bill a First Time, and went home. Business done.-Land Bill finally left the Commons. Read a First Time in the Lords. THE BELLE OF THE SEASON. THE Belle of the Season! How weary She must be of concert and ball, Preserving an attitude cheery, With chatter for each and for all. Dark-hued or with colours of flame, Those words full of magic, "I love!" She wins both their smiles and their bows, and But does the world never seem hollow, She makes no mistakes and no faux pas, You know how it ends-la chandelle. With never a heart for her own. A motto too terribly true. Dear Deaf Old Lady (to Young Swell). "AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOURSELF!" Young Swell (off-handedly). "I?-OH, I'M ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE." D. D. O. L. "AH! THE STOCKING TRADE! AND A VERY GOOD TRADE TOO!" OFFICIAL PROGRAMME OF THE INTERNATIONAL MEDICAL CONGRESS. First Day.-Grand Banquet. Interesting experiments with various wines. Confidential exchange of experiences after the third bottle. Second Day.-Grand Déjeuner. Surgical operations on cold fowls and raised pies. General investigation of "mixing." Valuable results obtained by taking a combination of champagne, sherry, port, claret, pale ale and chartreuse vert. Third Day.-Garden Party. Examination of the action of the muscles in the game of Lawn Tennis. Close study of strawberries and cream and champagne cup. Supper experiment at the Albion. Extempore lecture upon the benefits to be derived by taking whiskey and water internally before retiring to bed. Fourth Day.-Select Dinner Party of savants interested in Food. Careful consideration of the effect upon the system of turtle soup, curried whitebait, canvas-backed ducks, and an entirely new and original with-your-cheese pick-me-up made of sardines, olives, truffles, cayenne pepper, tomatoes, capers, herring-roes, fowls' livers, and tarragon vinegar. Human capacity for absorbing champagne in extra large doses practically tested. After the termination of the experiments, a long consultation with the Police. Fifth Day.-Psychological Pic-nic. Exercise of the nerve power of the lower limbs to the sounds of a Military band. Interesting operation of a quadrille, a polka, and a waltz. Day finished with a scientific supper. Preparations of different kinds of meat. Practical lectures upon the anatomy of the fowl, the duck, and the turkey. Experiments in wine temperature. Claret seventy, and champagne four degrees below zero. Perambulating difficulties, and optical delusions. Exercise of the vocal chords :-Subject -"We will not go home till morning." Sixth and last Day.-All the foreign_doctors ill in bed, sending for all the English doctors. General prescription-Large doses of soda-water! |