THAT TRADING CHINEE! (By Truthful John.) [Chinese Merchants are coming over in the Meifoo to establish themselves in London.] Он, say what do I hear, All my large China trade, To such tricks there's no Though with opium grown in my Indy I ruin their brains like a friend. Here's a steamer comes o'er Which they call the And it brings to my shore WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH HIM? "It is now definitely understood that CETEWAYO will visit England in the spring."-Durban Correspondent of Daily Paper. How will he come to us? What will he say to us? Will he for Kingdom and Liberty pray to us Shall we lodge him in Newgate ? or feast him at CLARIDGE'S ? Will he go to the Tower, and "eat up" the Beefeaters, Star as a lion in black inexpressibles, Visit the Opera, and there yawn aloud? Will he stand for a Borough ? And what are his politics? Does he belong to the "Radical Tail"? Has he heard of our RANDOLPH? Prefers he our CHAMBERLAIN? What are his views on the right of Free Sale? Ah, but perhaps he is coming to talk to us Of Zululand's troubles-of which he is one. Cannot he write it ? And why should His Majesty POET'S CORNER. Or Nonsense Rhymes on wellknown Names. "IMPRESSIONS DU THÉÂTRE." THE production of Mr. OSCAR WILDE's play Vera is deferred. Naturally no one would expect a Veerer to be at all certain: it must be, like a pretendedly infallible forecast, so very weather-cocky. Vera is about Nihilism: this looks as if there were nothing in it. But why did Mr. O'WILDE select the Adelphi for his first appearance as a Dramatic Author, in which career we wish him cordially all the success he may deserve ? Why did he not select the Savoy? Surely where there's a Donkey Cartt-we should say D'OYLY CARTE-there ought to be an opportunity for an 'Os-car? In answer to numerous inquiries, we beg to state, that, as far as we know, the Wilds of Scotland are no relation to the WILDES of Ireland.-ED. + Forgive us this once, Mr. D'OYLY CARTE (Oh, why were you gifted with that fatally tempting name?)-and we will never, never, never, never, call you Donkey CARTE again. What, never?"-Well-not often.-ED. SEASONABLE ADVICE. TREATMENT for an Enemy.-Punch his head! Treatment for a Friend.-PUNCH'S ALMANACK! "DEAR me!" said Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, "there's the Graphic. Christmas Number, and the Illustrated Christmas Number, and the Smithfield Cattle Show too! All the Christmas Animals coming out in the same week!" RETIREMENT OF SIR GEORGE BRAMWELL.-Otium cum Wig. ROSCIUS HOUSE ACADEMY. "A school, where the education and training will be exclusively devoted to the preparation of pupils for the Stage, will soon be an accomplished fact."Weekly Paper. (Holiday letter from a sixth-form Monitor.) MY DEAR AND HONOURED PARENTS, 66 FOR not having taken the prize in "sudden apology" business, thus, rather than as Lady and Gentleman," I am proud to address you. I say proud, for, as you know, my special training at this establishment has been, by your desire, not directed to the cultivation of that high-class Comedy which engenders a respectful filial bearing in the true Walking Gentleman. No, my dear Parents, instead of consigning me to the Royal Navy, the House of Commons, or the Bar, I am grateful to you for your determination that I shall bring what credit I can to the family in after-life as a Harlequin. And I do not think you will be disappointed. The way in which at last examination, I jumped through a publichouse window, and returned with a double roll instantly through a play-bill underneath has, I am glad to say, won me the approbation of the whole professional staff, and, in short, secured me the University Scholarship. But while having carried everything before me in my particular line, I have taken a good position in secondary subjects. Should the taste for pantomime decline, I think that my knowledge of a rally would enable me to do something with Hamlet that would mark an entirely new departure in Shakspearian business. On the other hand, punishments and penalties for negligence will be meted out, as in the case of real melodramatic villains, by consignment to rattling chains, dungeons, and other appropriate contrivances of disgrace. Places in the Classes must be taken in advance. The Christmas Term will commence on Boxing Night. two colours on eight-foot double-sheet posters. Parents will receive a Monthly Report of the Pupils' progress, printed in A GLOSSARY OF INITIALS. For the rest, I have enjoyed this my last term at school immensely. Our Cricket Match rehearsed to perfection, under our excellent Ballet-Master, has often been boisterously redemanded at Lord's ; while wherever our Football Team has appeared, as it always does, with the full orchestra, enthusiastic encores, I need scarcely add, have been the order of the day. As to our "trap, bat, and ball," played, as we play it, with a vampire trap-well, as you know, that's a thing that when once seen is not easily forgotten. Indeed, from the first day-how well I remember it-that I arrived with my small AN undesirable degree of looseness prevails in the public mind private box and was relegated to one of the upper dormitories, as a consequent upon the popular electric fashion of referring to public sky-border-to the time when I was allowed a green-room all to my- men by the initials of their Christian names. An ordinarily wellself, I may truly say that my life has been one of successive benefits. informed man suddenly asked for example, "What is the full name But, my dear Parents, I will reserve what I have to say on the of the Rt. Hon. H. C. E. CHILDERS?"-would be staggered. To subject of my dear old Alma Mater till I am once more tickling the obviate this, we, supply the full; orthography of a few names the Butler on the back of his head with a make-shift for a wand in the initials of which are in commonest use:shape of an umbrella, and smacking the iron-grand smilingly across its rosewood front expecting to see it transformed into a lighted kitchen-range. For the rest, as I said before, I hope, though my proficiency lies in another direction, that you will not find me wanting in the dutiful bearing proper to a son who has graduated in Light Comedy or at least in Farce. You may count, believe me, on my assuming a gallant and sprightly bearing to the new Chambermaid (I trust she sings), and be quite sure that, in conformity with the best traditions, I shall be fully prepared to greet the sudden and unexpected approach at least of one of you with the proverbial"My Father-the devil!" What can I say more, but that if you, whom I may truly always describe as my "kindest friends in front," are satisfied, no one will be happier than Your spangled, dutiful, and affectionate Son, RICH SECUNDUS. P.S.-By the desire of our worthy Principal, I enclose you one of the new Prospectuses, with his best compliments. ROSCIUS HOUSE. Established for the Education of Young Gentlemen destined for the Profession. The Parents of Candidates seeking admission to the Academy are respectfully informed that the following is a list of Articles required in addition to the usual School outfit, to complete the equipment of each Pupil : 1 pair of fleshings; 2 wigs (one trick); 1 large pasteboard head; 1 ditto with winking eye; 1 pantomime knife, fork, and spoon; 1 pair of ghost sheets; 6 pocket-handkerchiefs marked "Desdemona "; 1 hare's-foot, and rouge to match; 1 pound of bismuth; 2 pairs of false eyebrows; 1 Pantaloon's crutch; 1 cauldron. N.B.-The Committee of Management have determined that the Establishment shall be entirely unique of its kind. No expense or pains have been spared by them to render it a fitting preparation for the after-business of life of those who enjoy its advantages. With a view to this, in addition to the ordinary curriculum, which will consist of declamation, clog-dancing, pantomime business, banner-carrying, and Shakspearian delineation, the Pupils will be instructed in the higher and more abstruse and refined branches of Dramatic Art. A special course of practical Lectures will be held, therefore, every Term, on one or more of the subjoined subjects: 1. On how to Quit the Stage with Effect in a Shower of Cats and Dogs. 2. On the Best Method of getting through Macbeth, with Macduff removed early in Act II. by a Sheriff's Warrant. W. E. G. i. e. W. (-onderfully) E. (-nergetic) GLADSTONE. H. C. E. W. V. H. W. E. F. C. W. D. H. D. W. 99 A. M. S. 99 99 Sir W. (-aggish) V. (-agarious) HARCOURT. W. (-orthy) E. (-ffendi) FORSTER. Sir C. (-abinet) W. (-aiting) DILKE. G. (-et) O. (-ut) MORGAN. A. (-dmirable) M. (-an) SULLIVAN. ONE OF THESE FINE DAYS. [The following forecasts for to-day were prepared last night at the Meteorological Office, Colney Hatch.] 3. The True Attitude of the Leading Man on Saturday, in the face of an 10. Ireland, S... Empty Treasury. 4. Allowable Liberties with the Text of Othello before a House of One Man in the Pit, supposed to have come in with an Order. Wind northerly, becoming southerly Wind southerly and northerly, moderate Northerly winds, strong to a gale; un- TO CORRESPONDENTS.-In no case can Contributions be returned unless accompanied by a Stamped and Directed Envelope. Copies should be kept. ROBERT ON MUNICIPAL REFORM. As many persons who nose no more about it than I do about the Irish Land Bill, seems to be torking and writing a lot of nonsense about the Reform of the Copperation, praps a few eyedears from one as nose a great deal, from being pretty offen, if not behind the scenes, certainly behind their chairs, may be of sum service; and I hereby presents 'em with my complemens free gratis for nothink, to Mr. GLADSTONE, who lectured us all so sewerely at Gildhall the other day, coz we didn't give him no dinner, to Sir W. ARCOURT, who had the owdacious imperance to chaff even a Sherrif, and on Lord Mare's Day too, to Sir ARTHUR CHOPHOUSE, to Mr. BOTTOMLESS FROTH, and to Mr. HASHEM BILK, and all such people, be they who they may be, whether M. P.'s, or J. P.'s, or P. C.'s. Well then in the fust place, I don't see, and none of my Paytrons don't seem to see, that we wants any Reform at all. I quite agrees with the extinguished Common Councilman who made that truly grate speech the other day, in which he said, "I loves the grand old Corporation as I loves my own! Don't touch a brick of it! Don't change the name of the Firm! Some people talks about abuses, then why the deuce don't they pint 'em out?" Ah, it taint every day we gits speeches like that, more 's the pity. It amost brort tears in my eyes as I red it. But if there is to be a change, let us see what's best to be done. Well then the 1st. thing the Copperation wants is more money. More money means more Horspitality, more Horspitality means more Poppylarity, and more Poppylarity means more Power. I'm afraid the Copperation's a gitting poor. I offen sees 'em dining without no Turtil, and that I calls one of the saddest sights I ever sees. It don't seem natural, and if they 're a going to be what some folks calls egocomical, but which I calls mean, I think they are beginning at the wrong end. Besides, who 'd care for a Copperation that didn't spend its money freely. Money makes the Mare to go, and no Lord Mare could go far without it. In the nex place they wants more Dignity. More splendid Sherifs, more scarlet Aldermen, more gorgeus Footmen, more Swordbearers and Macebearers, and such like useful persons, and more brazen Men in Armour. These are what strikes the Mob with Haw! and raises the smile of pride in every true Citizen's manly busom. In the nex place they wants more Currage. Let 'em laugh at A NUTSHELL NOTICE. THE Author of that very funny article in the Temple Bar Magazine for October, called "A Capital Farce for Snoole," has scarcely succeeded in producing a capital Comedy for JEPHSON at the Imperial. what's called Public Opinion, and the ignerent Press, and the wulgar Rabbel, and do as they likes. Look how everybody abused the butiful Griffin, where are they now, and where is it now? They are nowheres, and he's where he was, and where he will ever remain for the delite and admiration of Posteriority. I don't see myself that there would be much objection to 'em taking in Westminster. Its a werry respectable place is Westminster, and got plenty of money, but, as I herd one of our oldest Deputys say, I sets my face against having anything to do with such a poor lot as Bethnal Green and Ackney; no, not at any price. We ain't got many poor of our own, and they are gitting thinner and thinner, so we don't mean to be bothered with other people's, not if we can help it. So they wants to make all the Streets of London alike, do they? All like Cheapside I suppose! P'raps they'd like to make all the houses alike too, one's about as likely as the other. Why when I was having a drink the other day with one of the Inspectors, he told me it costs about £700 a year to keep the Ashfelt pavement of Cheapside nice and smooth. I wonder how they'd like that sort of thing, say in Whitechapel Road, if they had to pay for it? What a deal of fuss too they make about the Water. I can always git quite as much as I wants for washing, it doesn't take much, and I don't suppose it can be wanted for any other puppus, except of course for Prisoners and Workusses, poor fellows! The whole question seems to me to be somethink like this. Here's the old City, with its grand old Copperation, and its grand old Gildhall, and its Lord Mare and Sheriffs, and its old Charters, whatever they may be, and its own Police, each weighing about 14 Stun, and its lots of money; well and good. And outside and all round it there's a lot of poor devils of Westrys, all as hungry as hunters, who ain't got no Copperation to speak of, and no Lord Mare and no Sherryifs, and no Police of their own, and no gorgeus Footmen, and, wust of all, no money. And the one haim and hobject of Munecipal Reform is to enable these outsiders, without paying one shilling for 'em, to get a share of all these good things that the City has had for Sentrys, and paid twenty shillings in the pound for, and has as much right to, as the House of Lords has to its Wheato! If sitch things as these is to be aloud, then I says with the hindignant Cabman when he was told as how as Penny Saveloys was raised to tuppence, "It's quite time then as we had a sanguinary Revolution!" ROBERT. |