And here my simile unites;
For in a modern poet's flights,
I'm sure it may be justly said,
His feet are useful as his head.
Lastly, vouchsafe t' observe his hand,
Fill'd with a snake-encircled wand,
By classic authors termed caduceus,
And highly-famed for several uses:
To wit, most wond'rously endued,
No poppy-water half so good;
For let folks only get a touch,
Its soporific virtue's such,
Though ne'er so much awake before,
That quickly they begin to snore;
Add too, what certain writers tell,
With this he drives men's souls to hell.
Now to apply, begin we then :— His wand's a modern author's pen; The serpents round about it twined Denote him of the reptile kind, Denote the rage with which he writes. His frothy slaver, venom'd bites An equal semblance still to keep, Alike, too, both conduce to sleep; This difference only, as the god Drove souls to Tart'rus with his rod, With his goose-quill the scribbling elf, Instead of others, damns himself.
And here my simile almost tript: Yet grant a word by way of postscript. Moreover Merc'ry had a failing;
Well! what of that? out with it—stealing ;
In which all modern bards agree,
Being each as great a thief as he.
But even this deity's existence
Shall lend my simile assistance:
Our modern bards! why, what a pox
Are they-but senseless stones and blocks?
WHEN lovely woman stoops to folly,
And finds too late that men betray,
What charm can soothe her melancholy,
What art can wash her guilt away?
The only art her guilt to cover,
To hide her shame from every eye,
To give repentance to her lover,
And wring his bosom, is—to die.
ON THE DEATH OF A MAD DOG.
GOOD people all, of every sort,
Give ear unto my song,
And if you find it wondrous short-
It cannot hold you long.
In Islington there was a man,
Of whom the world might say,
That still a godly race he ran—
Whene'er he went to pray.
A kind and gentle heart he had,
To comfort friends and foes;
The naked every day he clad-
When he put on his clothes.
And in that town a dog was found,
As many dogs there be,
Both mongrel, puppy, whelp, and hound,
And curs of low degree.
This dog and man at first were friends;
But when a pique began,
The dog, to gain some private ends,
Went mad, and bit the man.
Around from all the neighbouring streets
The wondering neighbours ran, And swore the dog had lost his wits, To bite so good a man.
The wound it seem'd both sore and sad To every Christian eye;
And while they swore the dog was mad, They swore the man would die.
But soon a wonder came to light,
That show'd the rogues they lied:
The man recover'd of the bite-
The dog it was that died.
HERE lies poor Ned Purdon, from misery freed,
Who long was a bookseller's hack :
He led such a damnable life in this world,
I don't think he'll wish to come back.
WHAT? five long acts-and all to make us wiser !
Our authoress sure has wanted an adviser.
Had she consulted me, she should have made
Her moral play a speaking masquerade;
Warm'd up each bustling scene, and in her rage
Have emptied all the green-room on the stage.
My life on't, this had kept her play from sinking,
Have pleas'd our eyes, and saved the pain of thinking.
Well since she thus has shown her want of skill,
What if I give a masquerade ?—I will.
But how? ay, there's the rub [pausing] I've got my
The world's a masquerade! the masquers, you, you, [To Boxes, Pit, and Gallery.
Lud! what a group the motley scene discloses !
False wits, false wives, false virgins, and false spouses!
Statesmen with bridles on; and, close beside 'em,
Patriots in party-colour'd suits that ride 'em :
There Hebes, turn'd of fifty, try once more
To raise a flame in Cupids of threescore;
These, in their turn, with appetites as keen,
Deserting fifty, fasten on fifteen.
Miss, not yet full fifteen, with fire uncommon,
Flings down her sampler, and takes up the woman;
The little urchin smiles, and spreads her lure,
And tries to kill, ere she's got power to cure.
Thus 'tis with all-their chief and constant care
Is to seem every thing-but what they are.
Yon broad, bold, angry spark, I fix my eye on,
Who seems t' have robb'd his vizor from the lion;
Who frowns and talks and swears, with round parade,
Looking, as who should say, dam'me! who's afraid?
Strip but this vizor off, and, sure I am,
You'll find his lionship a very lamb.
Yon politician, famous in debate,
Perhaps, to vulgar eyes, bestrides the state;
Yet, when he deigns his real shape t' assume,
He turns old woman, and bestrides a broom.
Yon patriot, too, who presses on your sight,
And seems, to every gazer, all in white,
If with a bribe his candour you attack,
He bows, turns round, and whip-the man's in black! Yon critic, too-but whither do I run?
If I proceed, our bard will be undone !
Well, then, a truce, since she requests it too:
Do you spare her, and I'll for once spare you.
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