66

THE REPUTATION OF "GLOOM"

51

Gay" but not "content"-very true.... You have detected a laughter "false to the heart "-allowed -yet I have been tolerably sincere with you and I fear sometimes troublesome.

(1813, September 26. Correspondence with Miss Milbanke. Letter 3, Vol. III., p. 401.)

The reputation of "gloom," if one's friends are not included in the reputants, is of great service; as it saves me from a legion of impertinents, in the shape of common-place acquaintance. But thou know'st I can be a right merry and conceited fellow, and rarely larmoyant.

(1813, October 3. Letter 339, to Thomas Moore, Vol. II., p. 273.)

I perceive by part of your last letter that you are still inclined to believe me a gloomy personage. Those who pass so much of their time entirely alone can't be always in very high spirits; yet I don't know-though I certainly do enjoy society to a certain extent, I never passed two hours in mixed company without wishing myself out of it again. Still I look upon myself as a facetious companion, well reputed by all the wits at whose jests I readily laugh, and whose repartees I take care never to incur by any kind of contest-for which I feel as little qualified as I do for the more solid pursuits of demonstration.

(1813, November 10.
Miss Milbanke.
p. 405.)

Correspondence with
Letter 5, Vol. III.,

Heigho! I would I were in mine island!—I am not well; and yet I look in good health. At times, I fear, "I am not in my perfect mind; "-and yet my heart and head have stood many a crash, and what should ail them now? They prey upon themselves, and I am sick-sick-"Prithee, undo this buttonwhy should a cat, a rat, a dog have life-and thou no life at all?" Six-and-twenty years, as they call them, why, I might and should have been a Pasha by this time. "I'gin to be a-weary of the sun."

(1814, February 27. Journal, 1813-14," Vol. II., p. 390.)

There is ice at both poles, north and south--all extremes are the same-misery belongs to the highest and the lowest only, to the emperor and the beggar, when unsixpenced and unthroned. There is, to be sure, a damned insipid medium-an equinoctial lineno one knows where, except upon maps and measure

ments.

"And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death."

same

I will keep no further journal of that hesternal torch-light; and, to prevent me from returning, like a dog, to the vomit of memory, I tear out the remaining leaves of this volume, and write, in Ipecacuanha,-"that the Bourbons are restored!!""Hang up Philosophy." To be sure, I have long despised myself and man, but I never spat in the face of my species before-"O fool! I shall go mad."

(1814, April 19.
April 19. "Journal, 1813-14," Vol.
II., p. 411.)

IN SOME RESPECTS, HAPPY

53

For my own part, I have seriously and not whiningly (for that is not my way--at least, it used not to be) neither hopes, nor prospects, and scarcely even wishes. I am, in some respects, happy, but not in a manner that can or ought to last-but enough of that. The worst of it is, I feel quite enervated and indifferent. I really do not know, if Jupiter were to offer me my choice of the contents of his benevolent cask, what I would pick out of it. If I was born, as the nurses say, with a "silver spoon in my mouth," it has stuck in my throat, and spoiled my palate, so that nothing put into it is swallowed with much relish,-unless it be cayenne. However, I have grievances enough to occupy me that way too; but for fear of adding to yours by this pestilent long diatribe, I postpone the reading of them, sine die. Don't forget my godson. You could not have fixed on a fitter porter for his sins than me, being used to carry double without inconvenience. * * *

(1814, August 3. Letter 483, to Thomas Moore, Vol. III., p. 120.)

I am very merry, and have just been writing some elegiac stanzas on the death of Sir P. Parker. He was my first cousin, but never met since boyhood. Our relations desired me, and I have scribbled and given it to Perry [of the Morning Chronicle], who will chronicle it to-morrow. I am as sorry for him as one could be for one I never saw since I was a child; but should not have wept melodiously, except "at the request of friends."

(1814, October 7. Letter 503, to Thomas Moore, Vol. III., p. 150.)

I am about to be married; and am, of course, in all the misery of a man in pursuit of happiness.

(1814, October 15. Letter 506, to Leigh Hunt, Vol. III., p. 153.)

I hope Hodgson is in a fair way on the same voyage [of matrimony]-I saw him and his idol at Hastings. I wish he would be married at the same time-I should like to make a party-like people electrified in a row, by (or rather through) the same chain, holding one another's hands, and all feeling the shock at once. I have not yet apprised him of this. He makes such a serious matter of all these things, and is so "melancholy and gentlemanlike," that it is quite overcoming to us choice spirits. **

They say one shouldn't be married in a black coat. I won't have a blue one-that's flat. I hate it. (1814, October 18. Letter 508, to Henry Drury, Vol. III., p. 155.)

I have just been-or rather, ought to be very much shocked by the death of the Duke of Dorset. We were at school together, and there I was passionately attached to him. Since, we have never met-but once, I think, since 1805-and it would be a paltry affectation to pretend that I had any feeling for him worth the name. But there was a time in my life when this event would have broken my heart; and all I can say for it now is that-it is not worth breaking.

Adieu-it is all a farce.

(1815, February 22. Letter 528, to Thomas Moore, Vol. III., p. 181.)

"ONE WHO NEVER TURNED HIS BACK" 55

You need not speak of morbid feelings and vexations to me; I have plenty; but I must blame partly the times, and chiefly myself: but let us forget them. I shall be very apt to do so when I see you next. Will you come to the theatre and see our new management. If not, I must come and see

you.

(1815, October 30. Letter 557, to Leigh Hunt, Vol. III., p. 241.)

I shall be very glad to see you, if you like to call, as you intended, though I am at present contending with "the slings and arrows of outrageous Fortune, some of which have struck at me from a quarter whence I did not indeed expect them.-But no matter; "there is a world elsewhere," and I will cut my way through this as I can; if you write to Moore, will you tell him that I shall answer his letter the moment I can muster time and spirits?

(1816, February 8. Letter 574, to Samuel Rogers, Vol. III., p. 261.)

In the weather for this tour (of 13 days), I have been very fortunate-fortunate in a companion (Mr H[obhous]e) fortunate in our prospects, and exempt from even the little petty accidents and delays which often render journeys in a less wild country disappointing. I was disposed to be pleased. I am a lover of Nature and an admirer of Beauty. I can bear fatigue and welcome privation, and have seen some of the noblest views in the world. But in all this the recollections of bitterness, and more