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plied" My Lort, wit is like what a pension would be, given by your Lordship to your hum. ble servant-a good thing well applied."

Robert Death,



On the Kingston Road,


Foreign Spirituous Liquors, Wholesale and Retail.
O! stop not here, ye sottish wights,

For purl, nor ale, nor gin,
For if you stop, whoe'er alights,

By DEATH is taken in.
Where having eat and drank your fill,

Should ye, (o hapless case!)
Neglect to pay your landlord's bill,

DEATH stares you in the face!
With grief sincere I pity those,

Who've drawn themselves this scrape in:
Since from this dreadful gripe, Heaven knows,

Alas! there's no escaping!
This one advice, my friends, pursue,

Whilst yet yo’ve life and breath ;
Ne'er Pledge your host; for if you do,

You'll surely-drink to DEATH ! Lord Nelson, a few days after his return, expressed very familiarly, his own attachment to the profession of which he is so proud an ornament. A lady, a very old friend of his family, was asking, whether, after so much success, he might not expect a long rest, intimating at the same time, that it could not be necessary for him to seek either more honour or more wealth. “ Every man, you know, Madam," said he, “ has his hobby-horse; and I have mine-I must go." It is well known, that this gallant officer, when at sea, has always his coffin on board, which is made from the hulk of an old first-rate. A friend, on asking the reason of this yery singular circumstance-"I know," said Lord Nelson, that I shall die in battle ; and let this be my last covering."

A gentleman having called his servant to assist him in dressing, the latter, who had been employed in some dirty work, came up, all over dust. The master, in a passion, took up a cane, and was going to lay it over the fellow's back, when he cried out, “'Sir, Sir, if you wish to dust my coat, I beg you will let me take it off first!"

The ladies of Paris are at least as much attached to thin cloathing as those of London. A lady of distinction there having become very conspicuous for the thinness of her attire, one day, when she had a good deal of company, a packet was brought directed for her, and entitled, 's Dress for Madame

It was brought up, and thinking it was an elegant dress she had ordered from her milliner, the lady resolved to treat her friends with a sight of this new invention of her fancy. It was opened, and there appeared a vine-leaf.

Do... A tradesman's wife having purchased a raven, one of her neighbours asked her, how she thought of buying such an ugly and useless bird ? " My husband and I,” replied she, “wished to try the


experiment, whether it be true, that ravens live to the age of seven or eight hundred years."

When one of Lord Monboddo's friends proposed to solicit for him the office of a Judge in the Scotch Criminal Court, his Lordship said, “ No; I have more pleasure in looking after my little farm, in the vacation of the Court of Session, than I should have to run about the country hanging people."

A little girl, on hearing that her mother had lost a law-suit, said, “ Dear Mamma, I am so glad that you have lost that nasty suit that used to plague you so !"

History-painting is certainly the first, but not the most profitable line in the art.-A portraitpainter says,

“ Painters of history make the dead live, and do not b gin to live themselves, till they are dead.- I paint the living, and they make me kive."

One Dr. ---, a Scottish Clergyman, in what he facetiously terms, “A faithful Translation of Sonnini's Travels in Egypt," informs his readers, that at Malta “the ridges of the houses are all flat terraces," and that, " at Rosetta the inhabitants cut the throats of their ducks, and in that situation keep them alive, with their wings broken;" and lastly, that “the Orientals never take a walk but on horseback."

Mr. Campbell, an Argyleshire Laird, has given a specimen of the lull, even beyond any of those

just recited. The excellent military road in that county, constructed under the late General Wade, running through part of his estate, he has recorded his sense of this improvement by a conspicuous monument, on which is inscribed the following distich :

“ Had you seen this road before it was made, You'd lift up your hands, and bless General Wade.”

A certain bruising parson having been examined as a witness in the Court of King's Bench, the adverse council attempted to brow-beat him :-"I think you are the bruising Parson,” said he. “I am," said the divine ; ” and if you doubt it, I'll give it you under my


Dr. Walker, Professor of Natural History at Edinburgh, a man of great science, and also of great worth, is not a little finical in dress. His hair-dressing was, till lately that he got a wig, the work of two or three hours every day. Once when he was travelling from Moffat, where he was then minister, to pay a visit to the late Sir James Clerk, of Pennycuick, he stopped at a country barber's shop on the way, in order to have his hair dressed. The barber, who, although he had often heard of his customer, but was unacquainted with his person, did all that he could to obey his númerous directions which he received ; with astonishing patience did he for three hours curl, uncurl, friz, and labour at the Doctor's hair; at length, however, he could not avoid exclaiminga " Why, in all my life, I never heard of a man so ill to please as you, except the mad Minister of Moffat!"

When Sir John Scott brought in his bill for restricting the liberty of the press, an Irish Peer suggested that all anonymous publications should have the name of the author on the title-page!


An Irishman purchased the sixteenth of a lottery-ticket, for which, as tickets were high, he paid a guinea and a half. In a few days it came up a twenty-pound prize, for which, on application at the lottery-office, he received three-andtwenty shillings. « Well,” says Pat, “I am glad it is no worse. As it was but a twenty-pound, I have only lost eight-and-sixpence; but, by Jasus, if it had been a twenty-thousand I should have been ruined."

A small wine-merchant knowing that nothing could win Mr. Elwes's heart so much as to make hiin presents, begged his acceptance of some very fine wine, and in a short time obtained the loan of several hundred pounds. Elwes used ever after to say, “ It was, indeed, very fine, for it cost him twenty pounds a bottle !"

In the year 1793, when the Duke of Richmond had the command of the camp on Warley Com. mon, he ordered that a captain should always do duty in the kitchen, to superintend the dressing of the soldiers meat. Being asked the reason, he said it was, that his officers might be accustomed. to stand fire.

The keeper of a paltry alehouse had on his sign, after his name, the letters, M. D. F. R. S. A Physician, who was moreover of the Royal Society,

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