BEAUTIES OF THE LAW.

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away, both bull and boat had a good action against the waterbailiff.

My opinion being taken, an action was issued, and, upon the traverse, this point of law arose: How, wherefore, and whether, why, when, and what, whatsoever, whereas, and whereby, as the boat was not a compos mentis evidence, how could an oath be administered? That point was soon settled by Boatum's attorney declaring that, for his client, he would swear any thing.

The water-bailiffs' charter was then read, taken out of the original record in true law Latin; which set forth in their declaration, that they were carried away either by the tide of flood or the tide of ebb. The charter of the water-bailiff was as follows: " Aqua bailiffi est magistratus in choici, sapor omnibus fishibus qui habuerunt finos et scalos, claws, shells, et talos, qui swimmare in freshibus, vel saltibus riveris, lakos, pondis, canalibus et well-boats, si've oysteri, prawni, whitini, shrimpi, turbutus solus;" that is, not turbots alone, but turbots and soles both together. But now comes the nicety of the law; for the law is as nice as a new-laid egg. Bullum and Boatum mentioned both ebb and flood, to avoid quibbling; but, it being proved that they were carried away neither by the tide of flood nor by the tide of ebb, but exactly upon the top of high water, they were nonsuited; but, such was the lenity of the court, that, upon their paying all costs, they were allowed to begin again de novo.

WE shall now consider the law (as our laws are very considerable, both in bulk and number) according as the statutes declare; considerandi, considerando, considerandum, and not to be meddled with by those that don't understand 'em. Law always expresses itself with true grammatical precision, never confounding moods, cases, or genders, except, indeed, when a woman happens accidentally to be slain; then the verdict is always brought in manslaughter.

The essence of law is altercation; for the law can altercate, fulminate, deprecate, irritate, and go on at any rate. The quintessence of the law has, according to its name, five parts. The first is the beginning or incipiendum; the second, the uncertainty or dubitandum; the third, delay or puzzleendum; fourthly, replication without endum; and fifthly, monstrum et horrendum ; all which are exemplified in the following case of

DANIEL against DISHCLOTII. Daniel was groom in the same family wherein Dishcloth was cook-maid; and Daniel, returning

home one day fuddled, stooped down to take a sop out of the dripping-pan: Dishcloth pushed him into the dripping-pan, which spoiled his clothes; and he was advised to bring his action against the cook-maid, the pleadings of which were as follow:

The first person who spoke was Mr. Serjeant Snuffle. He began, saying: "My lo'd, since I have the honor to be pitched upon to open this cause to your lo'dship, I shall not impertinently presume to take up any of your lod'ship's time by a roundabout circumlocutory manner of speaking or talking, quite foreign to the purpose, and not any way relating to the matter in hand. I shall, I will, I design to show what damages my client has sustained hereupon, whereupon, and thereupon. Now, my lo'd, my client being a servant in the same family with Dishcloth, and not being at board wages, imagined he had a right to the fee-simple of the dripping-pan; therefore he made an attempt on the sop with his right hand, which the defendant replevied with her left, tripped us up, and tumbled us into the dripping-pan. Now, in 'Broughton's Reports,' Slack versus Smallwood, it is said, primus strocus, si ne jocus, absolutus est provocus (that is, the first stroke, without joke, gives the provoke). Now, who gave the primus strocus, who gave the first offense? Why, the cook. She brought the dripping-pan there; for, my lo'd, though we will allow, if we had not been there, we could n't have been thrown down there, yet, my lo'd, if the dripping-pan had not been there for us to have tumbled down into, we could not have tumbled into the dripping-pan."

66

The next counsel on the same side began with: 'My lud, he who makes use of many words to no purpose has not much to say for himself; therefore I shall come to the point at once; at once and immediately shall I come to the point. My client was in liquor; the liquor in him serving an ejectment upon his understanding, common sense was nonsuited, and he was a man beside himself; as Dr. Biblibus declares, in his dissertation upon Bumpers, in the 139th fol. vol. of the Abridgment of the Statutes, p. 1286, where he says that a drunken man is homo duplicans, or a double man; not only because he sees things double, but also because he is not as he should be, profecto ipse he; but is as he should not be, defecto tipse he."

The counsel on the other side rose up gracefully, playing with his ruffles prettily, and tossing the ties of his wig about emphatically. He began with: "My lud, and you, gem'men of the jury, I humbly do conceive, I have the authority to declare, that I am counsel in this case for the defendant; therefore, my lud, I shall not flourish away in words; words are no more than filigree

FAITHLESS NELLY GRAY.

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work. Some people may think them an embellishment; but to me it is a matter of astonishment how any one can be so impertinent, to the detriment of all rudiment. But, my lud, this is not to be looked at through the medium of right and wrong; for the law knows no medium, and right and wrong are but its shadows. Now, in the first place, they have called a kitchen my client's premises. Now, a kitchen is nobody's premises. A kitchen is not a ware-house nor a wash-house, a brew-house nor a bakehouse, an inn-house nor an out-house, nor a dwelling-house; no, my lud, 't is absolutely and bo'na fi'de neither more nor less than a kitchen, or, as the law more classically expresses it, a kitchen is, camera necessaria pro usus cookare; cum saucepannis, stewpannis, scullero, dressero, coal holo, stovis, smoak-jacko; pro roastandum, boilandum, fryandum, et plum-pudding-andum mixandum; pro turtle-soupos, calves-head-ashibus, cum calipee et calepashibus. But we shall not avail ourselves of an alibi, but admit of the existence of a cook-maid. Now, my lud, we shall take it upon a new ground, and beg a new trial; for, as they have curtailed our name from plain Mary into Moll, I hope the court will not admit of this; for, if the court were to allow of mistakes, what would the law do? For, when the law don't find mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them."

Therefore, the court, after due consideration, allowed the parties the liberty of a new trial; for the law is our liberty, and it is happy for us we have the liberty to go to law.

G. A. STEVENS.

V.-FAITHLESS NELLY GRAY.

BEN BATTLE was a soldier bold, and used to war's alarms:
But a cannon-ball took of his legs, so he laid down his arms!
Now, as they bore him off the field, said he, "Let others shoot,
For here I leave my second leg, and the Forty-second Foot!"

The army surgeons made him limbs said he, "They 're only pegs :
But there's as wooden members quite as represent my legs!"
Now, Ben he loved a pretty maid; her name was Nelly Gray;
So he went to pay her his devoirs, when he 'd devoured his pay!

But when he called on Nelly Gray, she made him quite a scoff,
And when she saw his wooden legs, began to take them off!
"O, Nelly Gray! O, Nelly Gray! is this your love so warm?
The love that loves a scarlet coat should be more uniform !"

Said she, "I loved a soldier once, for he was blithe and brave;
But I shall never have a man with both legs in the grave!
Before you had these timber toes, your love I did allow,
But then, you know, you stand upon another footing now!"

'O, false and fickle Nelly Gray! I know why you refuse :
Though I 've no feet, some other man is standing in my shoes!
I wish I ne'er had seen your face; but, now, a long farewell!
For you will be my death; - alas! you will not be my Nell! "
Now, when he went from Nelly Gray, his heart so heavy got,
And life was such a burden grown, it made him take a knot!
So round his melancholy neck a rope he did entwine,
And, for his second time in life, enlisted in the Line!

HOOD.

VI. THE POETASTER'S FIRST TRAGEDY.

[The speaker enters with a roll of manuscript in his hand, from which he reads the fourth stanza.]

;

'O, PROUD am I, exceeding proud, I've mustered the élite ! *
I'll read them my new tragedy · — no ordinary treat;
It has a deeply-stirring plot; - the moment I commence,
They'll feel for my sweet heroine an interest intense
It never lags, it never flags, it can not fail to touch!
Indeed, I fear the sensitive may feel it over much :
But still a dash of pathos with my terrors I combine,
The bright reward of tragic bard the laurel will be mine!

"Place chairs for all the company; and, ma'am, I really think,
If you don't send that child to bed, he will not sleep a wink;
I know he'll screech like any thing before I've read a page:
My second act would terrify a creature of that age:

And should the darling, scared by me, become an imbecile,
Though flattered at the circumstance - how sorry I should feel!
What won't you send the child to bed? Well, madam, we shall see-
Pray take a chair, and now prepare the laurel crown for me!

"Have all got pocket-handkerchiefs? Your tears will fall in streams Place water near to sprinkle over any one who screams.

And pray, good people, recollect, when what I've said controls

Your sympathies, and actually harrows up your souls,

Remember (it may save you all from suicide or fits)

'Tis but a mortal man who opes the flood-gates of his wits!

Retain your intellects to trace my brightest gem (my moral),

And, when I've done, I'm very sure you'll wreathe my brow with laurel.

"Hem-Act the first, and Scene the first- a wood — Bumprumpti enters,
Bumprumpti speaks: And have I, then, escaped from my tormentors?
Revenge! revenge! O, were they dead, and I a carrion crow,
I'd pick the flesh from off their bones, I'd sever toe from toe!
Shall fair Fryfitta, pledged to me, her plighted vow recall,
And wed with hated Snookums, or with any man at all?

No! rather perish earth and sea, the sky, and all the rest of it
For wife to me she swore she'd be, and she must make the best of it.'"'

(Here the bard gesticulates a moment in dumb show, as if reading —
then puts up the manuscript.)

*Pronounced a-leet'.

SORROWS OF WERTER.

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283

Through five long acts—O, very long! the happy bard proceeds;
Without a pause, without applause, scene after scene he reads!
That silent homage glads his heart! it silent well may be :
Not one of all his slumbering friends can either hear or see!
The anxious matron is asleep! the Beau beside the Fair!
The dog is sleeping on the rug! the cat upon the chair!
Üld men and babes
the footman, too!· -O, if we crown the bard,
We'll twine for him the poppy wreath — his only fit reward!
T. H. BAYLY.

1

THEY gave me advice and counsel in store,
Praised me and honored me, more and more;
Said that I only should "wait a while,"
Offered their patronage, too, with a smil、.
But, with all their honor and approbation,
I should, long ago, have died of starvation,
Had there not come an excellent man,
Who bravely to help me along began.

Good fellow! he got me the food I ate ;
His kindness and care I shall never forget;
Yet I can not embrace him, though other folks can,
For I myself am this excellent man!

H. HEINE.

VIII.

SORROWS OF WERTER.

WERTER had a love for Charlotte,
Such as words could never utter;
Would you know how first he met her?
She was cutting bread and butter.

Charlotte was a married lady,

And a moral man was Werter,
And, for all the wealth of Indies,

Would do nothing for to hurt her.
So he sighed, and pined, and ōgled,
And his passion boiled and bubbled,
Till he blew his silly brains out,

And no more was by it troubled.

Charlotte, having seen his body.

Borne before her on a shutter,
Like a well-conducted person,
Went on cutting bread and butter.

THACKERAY.