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did not extend to you, my dear sir, for to you I am always at home.

Rem. Much obliged, sir. (Fumbling in his pocket for his bill.)

Blar. (Calling to his servants). What ho! John! Martha ! confound you! I will teach you to keep my friend Remnant kicking his heels in the entry! I will teach you to distinguish among my visitors !

Rem. Indeed, sir, it is no sort of consequence.

Blar. But it is consequence ! To tell you — you, one of my best friends — that I was not in!

Rem. I am your humble servant, sir. (Drawing forth bill.) I just dropped in to hand


this little Blar. Quick, there, quick ! A chair for my friend Remnant! Rem. I am very well as I am, sir. Blar. Not at all ! I would have


seated. Rem. is not necessary. (Servant hands a common chair.) Blar. Rascal ! - not that! An arm-chair!

Rem. You are taking too much trouble. (An arm-chair is placed for him.)

Blar. No, no; you have been walking some distance, and require rest. Now be seated.

Rem. There is no need of it I have but a single word to say. I have brought — Blar. Be seated, I say. I will not listen to


Rem. Well, sir, I will do as you wish. (Sits.)

I was about


to say —

Blar. Upon my word, friend Remnant, you are looking remarkably well.

Rem. Yes, sir, thank heaven, I am pretty well. I have come with this

Blar. You have an admirable stock of health lips fresh, skin ruddy, eyes clear and bright - really

Rem. If you would be good enough to -
Blar. And how is Madam Remnant?
Rem. Quite well, sir, I am happy to say.
Blar. A charming woman, Mr. Remnant! A very superior


Rem. She will be much obliged, sir. As I was saying -
Blar. And your daughter, Claudine, how is she?
Rem. As well as can be.

Blar. The beautiful little thing that she is ! I am quite in love with her.

Rem. You do us too much honor, sir. I— you –

Blar. And little Harry — does he make as much noise as ever, beating that drum of his ?

Rem. Ah, yes! He goes on the same as ever. But, as I was saying

Blar. And your little dog, Brisk, does he bark as loud as ever, and snap at the legs of


visitors ? Rem. More than ever, sir, and we don't know how to cure him. He, he! But I dropped in to

Blar. Do not be surprised if I want particular news of all your family, for I take the deepest interest in all of you.

Rem. We are much obliged to your honor, much obliged. I

Blar. (Giving his hand.) Your hand upon it, Mr. Remnant. Don't rise. Now, tell me, do you stand well with people of quality ? — for I can make interest for you among them.

Rem. Sir, I am your humble servant.
Blar. And I am yours, with all my heart. (

(Shaking hands again.)

Rem. You do me too much honor.
Blar. There is nothing I would not do for you.
Rem. Sir, you are too kind to me.

Blar. At least I am disinterested; be sure of that, Mr.
Rem. Certainly I have not merited these favors, sir.

But, sir,Blar. Now I think of it, will you stay and SUP

with me? without ceremony, of course.

Rem. No, sir, I must return to my shop ; I should have been there before this. I

Blar. What ho, there! A light for Mr. Remnant! and tell the coachman to bring the coach and drive him home.

Rem. Indeed, sir, it is not necessary. I can walk well enough. But here - (Offering bill.)

Blar. O! I shall not listen to it. Walk? Such a night as this! I am your friend, Remnant, and, what is more, your debtor your debtor, I say - - all the world may know it.

Rem. Ah! sir, if you could but find it convenient

Blar. Hark! There is the coach. One more embrace, my dear Remnant ! (Shakes hands again.) Take care of the steps. Command me always; and be sure there is nothing in the world I would not do for you. There! Good-by.

(Exit REMNANT, conducted by Col. B.)




XVI. — THE CHOLERIC FATHER. Enter SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE, L. ; CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE, R. Capt. Absolute. Sir, I am delighted to see you here, and looking so well !

Your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health.

Sir Anthony. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. What, you are recruiting here, hey ?

Capt. A. Yes, sir, I am on duty.

Sir A. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it; for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall not probably trouble you long.

Capt. A. Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty, and I pray fervently that you may continue so. Sir A. I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my

heart. Well, then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty, I may continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance for a lad of your spirit.

Capt. A. Sir, you are very good.

Sir A. And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble independence.

Capt. A. Sir, your kindness overpowers me. Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish me to quit the army ?

Sir A. O! that shall be as your wife chooses.
Capt. A. My wife, sir?
Sir A. Ay, ay, settle that between you.
Capt. A. A wife, sir, did

you say?
Sir A. Ay, a wife : why, did not I mention her before ?
Capt. A. Not a word of her, sir.

Sir A. Odd so! I must n't forget her, though. Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of is by a marriage ; the fortune is saddled with a wife : but I suppose that makes no difference?

Capt. A. Sir, sir! you amaze me!

Sir A. Why, what's the matter ? Just now you were all gratitude and duty.

Capt. A. I was, sir ; you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife.

Sir A. Why, what difference does that make ? Odds life, sir! if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands.

Capt. A. Pray, sir, who is the lady?

Sir A. What's that to you, sir ? Come, give me your promise to love and to marry her directly. Capt. A. Sure, sir, that is not very reaso

sonable, to summon my affections for a lady I know nothing of !

Sir A. I am sure, sir, 't is more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you know nothing of !

Capt. A. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I can not obey you.

Sir A. Harkye, Jack; I have heard you for some time with patience — I have been cool, quite cool; but take care ; you know I am compliance itself, when I am not thwarted ; no one more easily led, when I have my own way; but don't put me in a frenzy

Capt. A. Sir, I must repeat it; in this I can not obey you.

Sir A. Now, hang me, if ever I call you Jack again while I live!

Capt. A. Nay, sir, but hear me.

Sir A. Sir, I won't hear a word — not a word !-- not one word ! So, give me your promise by a nod, and I'll tell you what, Jack,

I mean, you dog, if you don't, by Capt. A. What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness; to

Sir A. Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose : she shall have a hump on each shoulder ; she shall be as crookëd as the crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's mu-se'um ; she shall have a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew;—she shall be all this, sirrah! yet I 'll make you õgle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty! (Crosses and recrosses.)

Capt A. This is reason and moderation, indeed !

Sir A. None of your sneering, puppy! - no grinning, jackanapes !

Capt. A. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humor for mirth in my

life. Sir A. Tis false, sir! I know you are laughing in your sleeve ; I know you 'll grin when I am gone, sirrah !

Capt. A. Sir, I hope I know my duty better.

Sir A. None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you please! It won't do with me, I promise you.

Capt. A. Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life.

Sir A. I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog! But it won't do !

Capt. A. Nay, sir, upon my word

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Sir A. So, you will fly out! Can't you be cool, like me ? What good can passion do? Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate! There, you sneer again! Don't provoke me! But you rely upon the mildness of my temper, you do, you dog! you play upon the meekness of my disposition! Yet, take care; the patience of a saint may be overcome at last! But mark! I give you six hours and a half to consider of this : if you then agree, without any condition, to do every thing on earth that I choose, why, I may, in time, forgive you. If not, zounds! don't enter the same hemisphere with me! don't dare to breathe the same air or use the same light with me; but get an atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission : I'll lodge a five-and-three-pence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest ! I'll disown you, I'll disenherit you! and hang me, if ever I call you Jack

(Esrit.) Capt. A. Mild, gentle, considerate father! I kiss your hands.




[There should be a table on the stage, with pen, ink, and paper; also two chairs.]

Sir Lucius. Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you !
Acres. My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss


hand! Sir L. Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath ?

Acr. Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-lantern, and find myself in a quagmire at last. In short, I have been very

ill used, Sir Lucius. I don't choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used gentleman.

Sir L. Pray, what is the case ?- I ask no names.

Acr. Mark me, Sir Lucius : I fall as deep as need be in love with a young lady; her friends take my part; I follow her to Bath, send word of my arrival, and receive answer, that the young lady is to be otherwise disposed of. — This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill used.

Ser L. Very ill, upon my conscience. — Pray, can you divine the cause of it?

Acr. Why, there's the matter : she has another lover, one Beverly, who, I am told, is now in Bath. – Odds slander and lies! he must be at the bottom of it.

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