ing of witneffes, &c. Verily, fays John, there are a prodigious number of learned words in this law; ⚫ what a pretty science it is!' Ay! but husband, you have paid for every fyllable and letter of these fine words; blefs me, what immenfe fums are at the 'bottom of the accompt!' John spent several weeks in looking over his bills, and by comparing and ftating his accompts he discovered, that, befides the extravagance of every article, he had been egregiously cheated; that he had paid for council that were never feed, for writs that were never drawn, for dinners that were never dreffed, and journeys that were never made in fhort, that the tradesmen, lawyers, and Frog, had agreed to throw the burden of the law-fuit upon his shoulders.

CHA P. XII.

How John grew angry, and refolved to accept a compofition; and what methods were practifed by the lawyers for keeping him from it.

WELL might the learned Daniel Burgess fay, that

a law-fuit is a fuit for life. He that fows his grain upon marble, will have many a hungry belly before harveft. This John felt by woful experience. John's caufe was a good milk cow, and many a man fubfifted his family out of it. However John began to think it high time to look about him He had a coufin in the country, one Sir Roger Bold †, whose predeceffors had been bred to the law, and knew as much of it as any body; but having left off the profeffion for fome time, they took great pleasure in compounding law-fuits among their neighbours, for which they were the averfion of the gentlemen of the long robe, and at perpetual war with all the country attorneys. John put his caufe in Sir Roger's hands,

up

*when at length peace was thought to be eligible upon more moderate terms, a treaty was entered into by

Robert Harley, afterwards Earl of Oxford, who was made treafuer in the ftead of the Lord Godolphin, and there was now not only a new parliament, but a new ministry.

hands, defiring him to make the best of it: the news had no fooner reached the ears of the lawyers, but they were all in an uproar. They brought all the rest of the tradefmen upon John: 'Squire South swore he was betrayed, that he would ftarve before he compounded; Frog faid he was highly wronged; even lying Ned the chimneyfweeper, and Tom the duftman complained that their intereft was facrificed. The lawyers, follicitors, Hocus, and his clerks, were all up in arms, at the news of the compofition +; they abused him and his wife most shamefully. "You filly, aukward, ill-bred, country-fow, quoth 66 one, have you no more manners than to rail at Hocus, "that has faved that clodpated numskulled ninny-ham66 mer of yours from ruin, and all his family? It is well known, how he has rofe early and fat up late to "make him eafy, when he was fotting at every ale"houfe in town. I knew his laft wife; fhe was a woman "of breeding, good humour, and complaifance; knew "how to live in the world: as for you, you look like a 66 puppet moved by clock-work; your cloaths hang up"on you, as they were upon tenter-hooks, and you come into a room as if you were going to fteal away a pifs pot get you gone into the country to look after your mother's poultry, to milk the cows, churn the "butter, and drefs up nofegays for a holy-day, and not "meddle with matters, which you know no more of, than the fign-poft before your door: it is well known, that Hocus had an established reputation; he never fwore an oath, nor told a lie in all his life; he is grateful to his benefactors, faithful to his friends, liberal to "his dependants, and dutiful to his fuperiors; he values "not your money more than the duft under his feet, "but he hates to be abufed. Once for all, Mrs Mynx, "leave off talking of Hocus, or I will pull out those ❝ faucer eyes of yours, and make that readstreak coun"try face look as raw as an ox cheek upon a butcher's "ftall remember, I fay, that there are pillories and "ducking ftools." With this away they flung, leaving VOL. VIII.

R

Mrs

The measure was opposed by the allies and the general: The houfe of commons was cenfured as totally ignorant of bufinefs:

Mrs Bull no time to reply. No ftone was left unturned to fright John from his compofition: fometimes they fpread reports at coffee-houses, that John and his wife were run mad; that they intended to give up house, and make over all their eftate to Lewis Baboon; that John had been often heard talking to himself, and seen in the ftreets without fhoes or ftockings; that he did nothing from morning till night but beat his fervants, after having been the best master alive as for his wife, fhe was a mere natural. Sometimes John's house was befet with a whole regiment of attorney's clerks, bailiffs, and bailiffs-followers, and other fmall retainers of the law, who threw ftones at his windows, and dirt at himself, as he went along the street. When John complained of want of ready money to carry on his fuit, they advised him to pawn his plate and jewels, and that Mrs Bull should fell her linen and wearing-cloaths.

CHA P. XIII.

Mrs Bull's vindication of the indifpenfable duty of cuckoldom, incumbent upon wives in cafe of the tyranny, infidelity, or infufficiency of husbands: being a full answer to the doctor's fermon against adultery t

JOHN

HN found daily fresh proofs of the infidelity and bad defigns of his deceased wife; amongst other things, one day looking over his cabinet, he found the following paper.

IT is evident that matrimony is founded upon an origi

nal contract, whereby the wife makes over the right fhe has by the law of nature to the concubitus vagus, in favour of the husband; by which he acquires the property of all her pofterity. But then the obligation is mutual: and where the contract is broken on one fide, it ceases

to

And it was faid, that the nation would at last be facrificed to the ambition of France.

+ The tories reprefentation of the speeches at Sacheverel's trial,

to bind on the other. Where there is a right, there must be a power to maintain it, and to punish the offending party. This power I affirm to be that original right, or rather that indifpenfable duty of cuckoldom, lodged in all wives in the cafes above-mentioned. No wife is bound by any law, to which herself has not confented : all œconomical government is lodged originally in the husband and wife, the executive part being in the hufband; both have their privileges fecured to them by law and reafon but will any man infer from the husband's being invested with the executive power, that the wife is deprived of her fhare, and that which is the principal branch of it, the original right of cuckoldom? And that fhe has no remedy left, but preces et lachrymæ, or an appeal to a fupreme court of judicature? No lefs frivolous are the arguments, that are drawn from the general appellations and terms of hufband and wife. A husband denotes feveral different forts of magiftracy, according to the ufages and customs of different climates and countries. In fome eastern nations it fignifies a tyrant, with the abfolute power of life and death: in Turkey it denotes an arbitrary governor, with power of perpetual imprifonment: in Italy it gives the hufband the power of poifon and padlocks: in the countries of England, France, and Holland, it has a quite different meaning, implying a free and equal government, fecuring to the wife, in certain cafes, the liberty of cuckoldom, and the property of pin-money, and feparate maintenance. So that the arguments drawn from the terms of husband and wife are fallacious, and by no means fit to fupport a tyrannical doctrine, as that of abfolute unlimited chastity, and conjugal fidelity.

L

THE general exhortations to chastity in wives are meant only for rules in ordinary cafes, but they naturally fuppofe three conditions of ability, juftice, and fidelity in the husband fuch an unlimited, unconditioned fidelity in the wife could never be supposed by reasonable men; it feems a reflection upon the ch-ch, to charge her with doctrines that countenance oppreffion.

THIS doctrine of the original right of cuckoldom is congruous to the law of nature, which is fuperior to all human laws, and for that I dare appeal to all wives: it

is much to the honour of our English wives, that they have never given up that fundamental point; and that tho' in former ages they were muffled up in darkness and fuperftition, yet that notion feemed engraven on their minds, and the impreffion fo ftrong, that nothing could impair it.

To affert the illegality of cuckoldom upon any pretence whatsoever, were to caft odious colours upon the married state, to blacken the neceffary means of perpetuating families; fuch laws can never be fuppofed to have been defigned to defeat the very end of matrimony, the propagation of mankind. I call them neceffary means; for in many cafes what other means are left? Such a doctrine wounds the honour of families; unsettles the titles to kingdoms, honours, and estates; for, if the acti ons from which fuch fettlements fpring were illegal, all that is built upon them must be fo too : but the lait is abfurd, therefore the firft muß be fo likewife. What is the caufe that Europe groans at prefent under the heavy load of a cruel and expenfive war, but the tyrannical custom of a certain nation, and the fcrupulous nicety of a filly Queen*, in not exercifing this indifpenfable duty of cuckoldom, whereby the kingdom might have had an heir, and a controverted fucceffion might have been avoided? These are the effects of the narrow maxims of your clergy, That one must not do evil, that good may come of it.

THE affertors of this indefeasible right, and jus divinum of matrimony, do all in their hearts favour gallants, and the pretenders to married women; for, if the true legal foundation of the married ftate be once fapped, and instead thereof tyrannical maxims introduced, what must follow but elopements inftead of fecret and peaceable cuckoldom?

FROM all that has been faid, one may clearly perceive the abfurdity of the doctrine of this feditious, difcontented, hot-headed, ungifted, unedifying preacher, afferting, "That the grand fecurity of the matrimonial ftate, and "the pillar upon which it ftands, is founded upon the wife's "belief of an abfolute unconditional fidelity to the huf"band's

The Queen of Charles II. of Spain, upon whofe death without iffuc the war broke out.