66

zeal than sense against adultery, Mrs Bull told her husband, that he was a very uncivil fellow to use fuch coarfe language before people of condition; that Hocus was of the fame mind; and that they would join to have him turned out of his living for using perfonal reflections. How do you mean, fays John, by perfonal reflections ? I hope in God, wife, he did not reflect upon you? “No, "thank God, my reputation is too well established in "the world to receive any hurt from fuch a foul-mouthed "fcoundrel as he; his doctrine tends only to make huf"bands tyrants, and wives flaves; muft we be shut up, "and husbands left to their liberty? Very pretty indeed! "a wife must never go abroad with a Platonic to fee a play or a ball; fhe muft never ftir without her husband; "nor walk in Spring-garden with a coufin. I do fay, hufband, and I will ftand by it, that without the innocent freedoms of life, matrimony would be a moft "intolerable state; and that a wife's virtue ought to be "the refult of her own reason, and not of her husband's government; for my part, I would fcorn a husband "that would be jealous, if he faw a fellow a-bed with " me ". All this while John's blood boiled in his veins : he was now confirmed in all his fufpicions; jade, bitch, and whore were the beft words that John gave her 1. Things went from better to worfe, till Mrs Bull aimed a knife at John, though John threw a bottle ‡‡ at her head very brutally indeed it: and after this, there was nothing

The house of commons voted this fermon a libel on her Majefty and her government, the revolution, the proteftant fucceffion, and the parliament; they impeached him of high crimes and misdemeanours; he was Gilenced for three years, and the fermon burnt by the hangman.

+ Thefe proceedings caufed a great ferment in the nation.

The houfe complained of being afperfed and vilified; opprobrious terms were ufed by both parties, and one had recourfe

to

military power, because it was affaulted by the other with #tumult and riot.

tt The confufion every day encreased: the whig or low church party in the house of commons began to decline; after much contention and debate

nothing but confufion: bottles, glaffes, fpoons, plates, knives, forks, and dishes flew about like dust ; the result of which was, that Mrs Bull * received a bruise in her right fide, of which fhe died half a year after. The bruise impofthumated, and afterwards turned to a stinking ulcer, which made every body fhy to come near hear; yet the wanted not the help of many able phyficians, who attended very diligently, and did what men of skill could do: but all to no purpose, for her condition was now quite defperate, all regular physicians, and her nearest relations, having given her over..

CHA P. IX.

How fome quacks undertook to cure Mrs Bull of her ulcer f.

T

In

HERE is nothing fo impoffible in nature, but mountebanks will undertake; nothing fo incredible but they will affirm: Mrs Bull's condition was looked upon as defperate by all the men of art; but there were thofe, that bragged they had an infallible ointment and plaifter, which being applied to the fore, would cure it. in a few days; at the fame time they would give her a pill, that would purge off all her bad humours, fweeten her blood, and rectify her disturbed imagination. fpite of all applications, the patient grew worfe every day; fhe funk fo, no body durft come within a stone's throw of her, except thofe quacks who attended her close, and apprehended no danger. If one afked them, how Mrs Bull did? Better and better, faid they; the parts heal, and her conftitution mends; if the fubmits to our government, fhe will be abroad in a little time. Nay, it is reported, that they wrote to her friends in the country, that she should dance a jigg next October in Weftminster-hall, and that her illness had been chiefly owing to bad phyficians. At laft 1, one of them was fent for in great hafte, his patient grew worfe and worfe: when he

the parliament was prorogued;

came,

and notwithstanding many attempts to prolong it, particu cularly fome difficulties ftarted by the Lord

Chancellor, it was diffolved on the 21st Sept. 1710.

came, he affirmed that it was a grofs mistake, and that fhe was never in a fairer way: bring hither the falve, fays he, and give her a plentiful draught of my cordial. As he was applying his ointments, and adminiftring the cordial, the patient gave up the ghoft, to the great confufion of the quack, and the greater joy of Bull and his friends. The quack flung away out of the house in great diforder, and swore there was foul play, for he was fure his medicines were infallible. Mrs Bull having died without any figns of repentance or devotion. the clergy would hardly allow her à Chriftian burial. The relations had once refolved to fue John for the murder, but confidering better of it. and that such a trial would rip up old fores, and difcover things not fo much to the reputation of the deceased, they dropt their defign. She left no will, only there was found, in her ftrong box, the following words, wrote on a fcrip of paper, My curfe on John Bull, and < all my pofterity, if ever they come to any compofition with the Lord Strutt.'

a

She left him three daughters, whofe names were Polemia, Difcordia, and Ufuria *

СНАР. X.

Of John Bull's fecond wife, and the good advice that She gave him t

JOHN quickly got the better of his grief, and feeing

that neither his conftitution, or the affairs of his family could permit him to live in an unmarried ftate, he refolved to get him another wife; a coufin of his last wife's was propofed, but John would have no more of the breed in fhort, he wedded a fober country gentlewoman, of a good family, and a plentiful fortune, the reverse of the other in her temper; not but that the loved money, for fhe was faving, and applied her fortune to pay John's clamorous debts, that the unfrugal methods of his laft wife, and this ruinous law-fuit had brought

him

* War, faction, and ufury. The new parliament, which was averfe to the war, mada

him into. One day, as the had got her husband in a good humour, fhe talked to him after the following manner, My dear . fince I have been your wife, I have • obferved great abufes and disorders in your family; your fervants are mutinous and quarrelsome, and cheat you most abominably; your cook-maid is in a combination with your butcher, poulterer, and fish-monger : your butler purloins your liquor, and the brewer fells your hogwash; your baker cheats both in weight and in tale; even your milk-woman and your nursery-maid ⚫ have a fellow-feeling; your tailor, inftead of fhreads, cabages whole yards of cloth; befides, leaving fuch long scores, and not going to market with ready mo'ney, forces us to take bad ware of the tradefmen at their own price. You have not posted your books thefe ten years; how is it poffible for a man of businefs to keep his affairs even in the world at this rate? Pray God this Hocus be honeft: would to God you would look over his bills, and fee how matters ftand between Frog and you ; prodigious fums are fpent • in this law-fuit, and more must be borrowed of fcriveners and ufurers at heavy intereft. Befides, my dear, let me beg of you to lay afide that wild project ⚫ of leaving your business to turn lawyer, for which, let me tell you, nature never defigned you. Believe me, thefe rogues do but flatter, that they may pick your pocket; obferve what a parcel of hungry ragged fellows live by your caufe; to be fure they will never ⚫ make an end of it; I foresee this haunt, you have got about the courts, will one day or another bring your family to beggary. Confider, my dear, how indecent it is to abandon your fhop, and follow pettifoggers; • the habit is so strong upon you, that there is hardly a plea between two country efquires about a barren acre upon a common, but you draw yourself in as bail, furety or follicitor tt.' John heard her all this while

with

a reprefentation of the mifmanagement in the feveral offices, particularly thofe for victualling and cloathing the navy and army;

and of the fums that had been expended on the war, tt which was however still a favourite with the people.

with patience, till the pricked his maggot, and touched him in the tender point; then he broke out into a violent paffion, 'What! I not fit for a lawyer ! let me tell you, my clod pated relations spoiled the greatest genius in the world, when they bred me a mechanic. Lord • Strutt, and his old rogue of a grandfire, have found to ⚫ their coft, that I can manage a law-fuit as well as another. I do not deny what you fay,' replied Mrs Bull, nor do I call in queftion your parts; but, I say, ⚫ it does not fuit with your circumstances; you and your • predeceffors have lived in good reputation among your neighbours by this fame cloathing trade, and it were madness to leave it off. Befides, there are few that ⚫ know all the tricks and cheats of thefe lawyers; does not your own experience teach you, how they have ⚫ drawn you on from one term to another, and how you • have danced the round of all the courts, ftill flattering you with a final iffue, and for ought can fee, your ⚫ caufe is not a bit clearer than it was feven years ago.' • I will be damned, says John, if i accept of any compofition from Strutt, or his grandfather; I will rather • wheel about the ftreets an engine to grind knives and fciffars; however, I will take your advice, and look over my accompts.'

CHA P. XI.

How John looked over his attorney's bill.

WHEN John firft brought out the bills, the furprize of all the family was unexpreffible at the prodigious dimenfions of them; they would have measured with the best bale of cloth in John's fhop. Fees to judges, puny judges, clerks, prothonotaries, philizers, chirographers, under-clerks, proclamators, council, witneffes, jury-men, marshals, tipftaffs, cryers, porters; for enrollings, exemplifications, bails, vouchers, returns, caveats, examinations, filings of writs, enteries, declarations, replications, recordats, mali profequi's, certiorari's, mittimus's, demurrers, fpecial verdicts, informations, fcire facias, juperfedeas, habeas corpus, coach-hire, treat