ANNUS MIRABILIS:

OR

The wonderful effects of the approaching conjunction of the planets Jupiter, Mars, and Saturn.

By MART. SCRIBLERUS, Philomath.

In nova fert animus mutatas dicere formas
Corpora

Suppofe every body is fufficiently apprized of, and duly prepared for, the famous conjunction to be celebrated the 29th of this inftant December 1722, foretold by all the fages of antiquity under the name of the annus mirabilis, or the metamorphoftical conjunction: a word which denotes the mutual transformation of fexes (the effect of that configuration of the celestial bodies) the human males being to be turned into females, and the human females into males.

THE Egyptians have reprefented this great transformation by feveral fignificant hieroglyphics, particularly one very remarkable. There are carved upon an obelisk, a barber and a midwife: the barber delivers his razor to the midwife, and the her fwadling-cloaths to the barber. Accordingly Thales Milefius, (who, like the rest of his countrymen, borrowed his learning from the Egyptians) after having computed the time of this famous conjunction, then, fays he, shall men and women mutually exchange the pangs of fhaving and childbearing.

ANAXIMANDER modeftly defcribes this metamorphofis in mathematical terms, then, fays he, shall the negative quantity of the women be turned into pofitive, their-into (i. e.) their minus into plus.

Plato

PLATO not only fpeaks of this great change, but defcribes all the preparations towards it. Long before "the bodily transformation, fays he, nature fhall begin "the most difficult. part of her work, by changing the “ ideas and inclinations of the two fexes: men shall turn "effeminate, and women manly; wives fhall domineer, “and husbands obey ; ladies shall ride a horseback, dref“sed like cavaliers; princes and nobles appear in night"rails and petticoats; men fhall Squeak upon theatres "with female voices, and women corrupt virgins; lords "fhall knot and cut paper; and even the northern people, “åpœéva núæpiv Õpiv" A phrafe (which for modefty's fake I forbear. to tranflate) which denotes a vice too frequent amongst us.

THAT the ministry forefaw this great change, is plain from the callico-act; whereby it is now become the occupation of the women all over England to convert their ufelefs female habits into beds, window-curtains, chairs, and joint-ftools; undreffing themselves, as it were, before their transformation.

THE philofophy of this transformation will not feem furprizing to people, who fearch into the bottom of things. Madam Bourignon, a devout French lady, has fhewn us, how man was at firft created male and female in one individual, having the faculty of propagation within himfelf: a circumftance neceffary to the ftate of innocence, wherein a man's happiness was not to depend upon the caprice of another. It was not till after he had made a faux pas, that he had his female mate. Many fuch transformations of individuals have been well attefted; particularly one by Montaigne, and another by the late Bp of Salisbury. From all which it appears, that this fyftem of male and female has already undergone, and may hereafter fuffer, several alterations. Every fmatterer in anatomy knows, that a woman is but an introverted man ; a new fufion and flatus will turn the hollow bottom of a bottle into a convexity: but I forbear for the fake of my modeft men-readers, who are in a few days to be virgins.

IN fome fubjects the fmallest alterations will do: fome men are fufficiently spread about the hips, and contrived with that female foftnefs, that they want only the negative quantity to make them buxom wenches; and there

are women who are, as it were, already the ebauche * of a good sturdy man. If nature could be puzzled, it will be how to beftow the redundant matter of the exuberant bubbies that now appear about town, or how to roll out the fhort dapper fellows into well-fized women.

THIS great conjunction will begin to operate on Satur. day the 29th inftant. Accordingly about eight at night, as Senezino fhall begin at the opera, Si videte, he shall be observed to make an unusual motion; upon which the audience will be affected with a red fuffufion over their countenance and because a strong fuccuffion of the mufcles of the belly is neceffary towards performing this great operation, both fexes will be thrown into a profufe involuntary laughter. Then, to ufe the modeft terms of Anaximander, hall negative quantity be turned into pofitive, &c. Time never beheld, nor will it ever affemble, fuch a number of untouched virgins within those walls! but, alas! fuch will be the impatience and curiosity of people to act in their new capacity, that many of them will be completed men and women that very night. To prevent the diforders that may happen upon this occafion, is the chief defign of this paper.

GENTLEMEN have begun already to make use of this conjunction to compafs their filthy purposes. They tell the ladies forfooth, that it is only parting with a perishable commodity, hardly of fo much value as a callico under-petticoat; fince, like its miftrefs, it will be useless in the form it is now in. If the ladies have no regard to the dishonour and immorality of the action, I defire they I will confider, that nature, who never deftroys her own productions, will exempt big-bellied women till the time of their lying-in; fo that not to be transformed will be the fame as to be pregnant. If they do not think it worth while to defend a fortrefs, that is to be demolished in a few days, let them reflect, that it will be a melancholy thing nine months hence to be brought to bed of a baflard; a pofthumous baftard, as it were, to which the quondam father can be no more than a dry nurse.

THIS wonderful transformation is the inftrument of nature to balance matters between the fexes. The cruelty

*Sketch, rough draught, or effay.

of

of scornful mistreffes fhall be returned; the flighted maid fhall grow into an imperious gallant, and reward her un'doer with a big-belly and a baftard.

IT is hardly poffible to imagine the revolutions that this wonderful phænomenon will occafion over the face of the earth. I long impatiently to fee the proceedings of the parliament of Paris, as to the title of fucceffion to the crown; this being a cafe not provided for by the falique law. There will be no preventing diforders among friars and monks; for certainly vows of chastity do not bind, but under the fex in which they were made. The fame will hold good with marriages, though I think it will be a scandal among Proteftants for husbands and wives to part, fince there remains ftill a poffibility to perform the debitum conjugale, by the husband being femme couverte. I fubmit it to the judgment of the gentlemen of the long robe, whether this transformation does not difcharge all fuits of rapes.

THE Pope must undergo a new groping, but the falfe prophet Mahomet has contrived matters well for his fucceffors; for as the grand fignior has now a great many fine women, he will then have as many fine young gentlemen, at his devotion.

THESE are furprizing scenes; but I beg leave to affirm, that the folemn operations of nature are fubjects of contemplation, not of ridicule. Therefore I make it my ear. neft request to the merry fellows, and giggling girls about towns, that they would not put themfelves in a high twitter, when they go to vifit a General lying-in of his first child; his officers ferving as midwives, nurfes, and rockers difpenfing caudle; or if they behold the reverend prelates dreffing the heads and airing the linen at court; I beg they will remember that thefe offices must be filled with people of the greatest regularity, and best charac⚫ters: For the fame reafon I am forry, that a certain prelate, who, notwithstanding his confinement * ftill preferves his healthy, chearful countenance, cannot come in time to be a nurfe at court.

I likewife earnestly intreat the maids of honour, (then enfigns and captains of the guards) that at their first fet

ting out they have fome regard to their former ftation.; and do not run wild through all the infamous houfes about town: that the prefent grooms of the bed-chamber (then maids of honour) would not eat chalk and lime in their green-ficknefs : and in general, that the men would remember they are become retromingent, and not by inadvertency lift up against walls and pofts.

PETTICOATS will not be burdenfome to the clergy; but balls and affemblies will be indecent for fome time.

As for you, coquetts, bawds, and chamber- maids, (the future minifters, plenipotentiaries, and cabinet counfellors to the princes of the earth) manage the great intrigues, that will be committed to your charge, with your ufual fecrecy and conduct; and the affairs of your mafters will go better than ever..

O ye exchange women! (our right worshipful reprefentatives that are to be) be not fo griping in the sale of your ware as your predeceflors, but confider that the nation like a spend-thrift heir, has run out: be likewise a little more continent in your tongues than you are at prefent, else the length of debates will spoil your dinners.

You housewifely good women, who now prefide over the confectionary (henceforth commiffioners of the treafury) be fo good as to difpenfe the fugar-plums of the government with a more impartial and frugal hand.

YE prudes and cenforious old maids (the hopes of the bench) exert but your ufual talent of finding faults, and the laws will be ftrictly executed; only I would not have you proceed upon fuch flender evidences as you have done hitherto.

IT is from you, eloquent oyfter-merchants of Billingfgate (juft ready to be called to the bar, and quoifed like your fifter-ferjeants) that we expect the fhortning the time, and leffening the expences of law fuits: for I think you are observed to bring your debates to a fhort issue ; and even custom will reftrain you, from taking the oyster, and leaving only the fhell to your client.

O ye phyficians, who in the figure of old women are to clean the tripe in the markets, fcour it as effectually as you have done that of your patients, and the town will fare most deliciously on Saturdays.

I cannot but congratulate human nature upon this hap

PY