But as men are not wife that run The flightest hazard they may shun, There may a medium be found out To clear to all the world the doubt; And that is, if a man may do 't, By proxy whipt, or substitute.
Though nice and dark the point appear, (Quoth Ralph) it may hold up and clear, That Sinners may fupply the place Of fuffering Saints, is a plain cafe, Juftice gives fentence many times, On one man for another's crimes. Our Brethren of New-England use Choice malefactors to excuse, And hang the Guiltless in their stead, Of whom the Churches have less need ; As lately 't happen'd; In a town There liv'd a Cobler, and but one, That out of Doctrine could cut Ufe, And mend men's lives as well as thoes, This precious Brother having flain, In times of peace, an Indian, Not out of malice, but mere zeal, (Because he was an Infidel) The mighty Tottipo tymoy Sent to our Elders an envoy, Complaining forely of the breach
Of league held forth by Brother Patch, Against the articles in force
Between both Churches, his and ours, For which he crav'd the Saints to render Into his hands, or hang th' offender; But they maturely having weigh'd They had no more but him o' th' trade, (A man that ferv'd them in a double Capacity, to teach and cobble) Refolv'd to fpare him; yet to do The Indian Hoghan Moghan too Impartial justice, in his ftead did Hang an old Weaver that was hed-rid: Then wherefore may not you be skipp'd And in your room another whipp'd? For all philofophers, but the Sceptic, Hold whipping may be fympathetic.
It is enough, quoth Hudibras, Thou haft refolv'd and clear'd the cafe; And canft, in Confcience, not refufe, From thy own Doctrine, to raise Use: I know thou wilt not (for my fake) Be tender-confcienc'd of thy back: Then ftrip thee of thy carnal jerkin, And give thy outward-fellow a ferking; For when thy veffel is new hoop'd, All leaks of finning will be stopp'd. Quoth Ralpho, you mistake the matter ; For in all fcruples of this nature,
Befides, it is not only foppish, But vile idolatrous, and Popish, For one man out of his own skin To frifk and whip another's fin; As pedants out of fchool-boys' breeches Do claw and curry their own itches. But in this cafe it is profane, And finful too, because in vain ; 405 For we must take our Oaths upon it You did the deed, when I have done it. Quoth Hudibras, That 's anfwer'd foon; Give us the whip, we 'll lay it on,
Quoth Ralpho, That we may fwear true, 410 'Twere properer that I whipp'd you; For when with your confent 'tis done, The act is really your own.
Quoth Hudibras, It is in vain (I fee) to argue 'gainst the grain,
415 Or, like the ftars, incline men to
What they're averfe themselves to do; For, when difputes are weary'd out, 'Tis intereft ftill refolves the doubt; But fince no reason can confute ye, 429 I'll try to force you to your duty; For fo it is, howe'er you mince it; As, ere we part, I shall evince it ; And curry (if you stand out) whether You will or no, your stubborn leather. Canft thou refufe to bear thy part I' th' public Work, bafe as thou art? To higgle thus, for a few blows,
To gain thy Knight an opulent spoufe, Whofe wealth his bowels yearn to purchafe,
430 Merely for th' intereft of the Churches? And when he has it in his claws
Will not be hide-bound to the Cause: Nor fhall thou find him a curmudgin, If thou difpatch it without grudging:
435 If not, refolve, before we go, That you and I must pull a crow.
No man includes himself, nor turns
The point upon his own concerns.
And raise among themfelves new fcruples, When common danger hardly couples.
As no man of his own felf catches
Made a mere utenfil o' your Church,
And after left it in the lurch;
A fcaffold to build up our own,
And when we 'ad done with 't pull'd it down; Capoch'd your Rabbins of the Synod,
And fnapp'd their Canons with a Why-not: 530 (Grave Synod-men, that were rever'd For folid face, and depth of beard) Their Claffick model prov'd a maggot, Their Direct'ry an Indian pagad;
And drown'd their Difcipline like a kitten, On which they 'ad been fo long a fitting; Decry'd it as a holy cheat, Grown out of date and obíolete, And all the Saints of the first grafs, As caftling feals of Balaam's afs.
At this the Knight grew high in chafe, And, staring furiously on Ralph, He trembled and look'd pale with ire, Like afhes first, then red as fire. Have I (quoth he) been ta'en in fight, And for fo many moons lain by 't, And when all other means did fail, Have been exchang'd for tubs of ale? Not but they thought me worth a ransom Much more confiderable and handfome, But for their own fakes, and for fear They were not fafe when I was there; Now to be baffled by a scoundrel, An upstart Sectary, and mongrel, Such as breed out of peccant humours
Of our own Church, like wens or tumours, And, like a maggot in a fore,
Would that which gave it life devour: It never fhall be done or faid: With that he feiz'd upon his blade; And Ralpho too, as quick and bold, Upon his basket hilt laid hold, With equal readinefs prepar'd, To draw and ftand upon his guard; When both were parted on the fudden, With hideous clamour, and a loud one, As if all forts of noife had been Contracted into one loud din ; Or that fome member to be chofen Had got the odds above a thoufand; And by the greatnefs of his noife, Prov'd fittelt for his country's choice. This ftrange furprifal put the Knight And wrathful Squire into a fright; And though they food prepar'd, with fatal Impetuous rancour, to join battle, Both thought it was the wifeft courfe To wave the fight, and mount to horfe, And to fecure, by fwift retreating,
Yet neither of them would difparage, By uttering of his mind, his courage; Which made then ftoutly keep their ground, With horror and difdain wind-bound. And now the cause of all their fear
By flow degrees approach'd fo near, They might diftinguish different noife Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys, And kettle-drums, whofe fullen dub Sounds like the hooping of a tub.
But when the fight appear'd in view, They found it was an antique fhew; A triumph that, for pomp and state, Did proudest Romans' emulate: For as the Aldermen of Rome
540 Their foes at training overcome, And not enlarging territory,
(As fome, mistaken, write in flory) ↑ Being mounted in their beft array, Upon a carre, and who but they? And follow'd with a world of tall-lads, That merry ditties troll'd, and ballads, Did ride with many a Good-morrow,
Crying, Hey for our town, through the Borough; So when this triumph drew fo nigh,
550 They might particulars descry. They never faw two things fo pat, In all respects, as this and that. First he that led the cavalcate Wore a fow-gelder's flagellate,
On which he blew as ftrong a levet,
As well-fee'd lawyer on his brev'ate,
When over one another's heads
They charge (three ranks at once) like Sweads. Next pans and kettles of all keys,
560 From trebles down to double base; And after them, upon a nag, That might pafs for a forehand ftag, A Cornet rode, and on his staff A fmock difplay'd did proudly wave; 565 Then bagpipes of the loudest drones, With fnuffling, broken-winded tones, Whofe blafts of air, in pockets fhut, Sound filthier than from the gut, And make a viler noise than fwine, 570 In windy weather, when they whine. Next one upon a pair of panniers, Full fraught with that which, for good-manners, Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains, Which he difpens'd among the fwains,
Themfelves from danger of wore beating. 580
Ver. 529.] O'er-reach'd, in all editions but the two firft of 1664, to 1794, inclufive. Cepoch'd, reftored in later editions, which fignifies booded, or blindfolded.
Ver. 543. This and the following line, not in the two first editions of 1654. Added 1674.
On fuch fights with judicious wonder,
Be claw'd and cudgel'd to fome tuae.
Could hold no longer to impart
His animadverfions, for his heart.
Quoth he, In all my life, till now,
I ne'er faw fo p. ofane a show; It is a Paganish invention,
Which Heathen writers often mention; And he who made it had read Goodwin, Or Rois, or Cælius Rhodogine, With all the Grecian Speeds and Stows, That beft defcribe thofe ancient fhows; And has obferv'd all fit decorums We find defcrib'd by old hiftorians:
For as the Roman conqueror,
That put an end to foreign war, Entering the town in triumph for it,
Bore a ilave with him in his chariot;
So this infulting female brave Carries, behind her here, a flave; And as the Aucients long ago,
When they in field defy'd the foe,
Hung out their mantles della guerre,
So her proud Standard-bearer here,
Waves on his fpear, in dreadful manner, A Tyrian petticoat for banner. Next links and torches heretofore
Still borne before the emperor;
Ver. 671.] This, and the following line, not in the two first editions of 1664, but added
This faid, they both advanc'd, and rode A dog-trot through the bawling crowd T'attack the leader, and ftill preft,
Till they approach'd him breaft to breast: Then Hudibras, with face and hand,
Made fign, for filence; which obtain'd,
What means (quoth he) this devil's proceffion With men of orthodox profeffion?
Rais'd rampiers with their own foft hands, To put the enemy to stands; From ladies down to oyster-wenches Labour'd like pioneers in trenches, Fall'n to their pick-axes and tools, And help'd the men to dig like moles. Have not the hand-maids of the City Chofe of their Members a Committee, For raising of a common purse, Out of their wages to raise horse? And do they not as Tryers fit, To judge what officers are fit
765 Have they-At that an egg let fly Hit him directly o'er the eye,
And running down his cheek, befmear'd With orange-tawny flime his beard; But beard and flime being of one hue, The wound the less appear'd in view, Then he that on the panniers rode, Let fly on th' other fide a load,
To whom the Saints are fo beholding. Women, who were our first apostles, Without whofe aid we'd all been loft elfe; Women, that left no stone unturn'd In which the Caufe might be concern'd; Brought in their children's spoons and whistles, To purchafe fwords, carbines, and piftols 780 Their husbands, cullies, and fweethearts, To take the Saints' and Churches' parts; Draw feveral Gifted Brethren in, That for the Bishops would have been, And fix'd them conftant to the party,
And, quickly charg'd again, gave fully, In Ralpho's face, another volley. The Knight was startled with the smell, And for his fword began to feel; And Ralpho, fmother'd with the stink, Grafp'd his, when one that bore a link O' th' fudden clapp'd his flaming cudgel, Like linftock, to the horse's touch-hole; And straight another, with his flambeau, Gave Ralpho o'er the eyes a danm❜d blow. The beasts began to kick and fling, And forc'd the rout to make a ring;
With motives powerful and hearty:
Thro' which they quickly broke their way, 835 And brought them off from further fray;'
Their hufbands robb'd, and made hard shifts T'adminifter unto their Gifts.
And though diforder'd in retreat,
Each of them ftoutly kept his feat:
All they could rap, and rend, and pilfer,
For quitting both their (words and reins,
To fcraps and ends of gold and filver;
Rubb'd down the Teachers, tir'd and spent
They grafp'd with all their strength the manes, 846 And, to avoid the foe's purfuit,
With holding forth for Parliament;
With fpurring put their cattle to 't,
Pamper'd and edify'd their zeal
And till all four were out of wind,
With marrow-puddings many a meal:
And danger too, ne'er look'd behind.
Enabled them, with store of meat,
After they 'ad paus'd awhile, fupplying
On controverted points, to eat;
And cramm'd them, till their guts did ake,
Their fpirits, fpent with fight and flying, And Hudibras recruited force
With candle, cyftard, and plum-cake. What have they done, or what left undane, That might advance the Caufe at London? March'd rank and file, with drum and enfign, Tintrench the City for defence in;
Ver. 775.] The women were zealous contributors to the Good Caufe, as they called it. Mr. James Howel obferves, "That unusual volun" tary collections were made both in town and "country; the feamftrefs brought in her filver "thimble, the chamber-maid her bodkin, the
cook her filver fpoon, into the common treafury of war.-And fome fort of females were "freer in their contributions, fo far as to part 4 with their rings and ear-rings, as if fome gol"den calf were to be molten and fet up to be idolized."
'Twas ill for us we had to do With fo dishonourable a foe: For though the law of arms doth bar The use of venom'd fhot in war, Yet by the naufeous smell, and noisome, Their cafe-fhot favour ftrong of poifon, And doubtlefs have been chew'd with teeth Of fome that had a stinking breath; Elfe, when we put it to the push, They had not given us such a brush : But as thofe pultroons that fling dirt Do but defile, but cannot hurt; So all the honour they have won, Or we have loft, is much at one. 'Twas well we made fo refolute A brave retreat, without pursuit; For if we had not, we had fped Much worse, to be in triumph led; Than which the Ancients held no state Of man's life more unfortunate. But if this bold adventure e'er Do chance to reach the Widow's ear, It may, being deftin'd to affert Her fex's honour, reach her heart: And as fuch homely treats (they fay) Portend good fortune, fo this may. Vefpafian being daub'd with dirt, Was deftin'd to the empire for 't; And from a scavenger did come To be a mighty prince in Rome : And why may not this foul addrefs Prefage in love the fame fuccefs?
880 Of old auruspicy and augury. That out of garbages of cattle Prefag'd th' events of truce or battle; From flight of birds, or chicken's pecking, Succefs of great'st attempts would reckon :
Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds, 885 Though cheats, yet more intelligible,
Advance in quest of nearest ponds;
And after (as we first design'd)
Swear I've perform'd what the enjoin'd.
HUDI BRAS.
PART II. CANTO III.
The Knight with various doubts poffeft, To win the Lady goes in queft
Of Sidrophel the Rofycrucian,
To know the Deft'nies' resolution;
Than thofe that with the ftars do fribble. This Hudibras by proof found true, As in due time and place we 'll fhew: For he with beard and face made clean, Being mounted on his fteed again (And Ralpho got a cock-horfe too, Upon his beaft, with much ado) Advanc'd on for the Widow's house, T'acquit him elf, and pay his vows; When various thoughts began to bustle, And with his inward man to justle. He thought what danger might accrue, If the thould find he swore untrue; Or, if his Squire or he should fail, And not be punctual in their tale, It might at once the ruin prove Both of his honour, faitli, and love: But if he fhould forbear to go,
With whom being met, they both chop logic She might conclude he 'ad broke his vow;
About the fcience aftrologic;
Till falling from difpute to fight,
The Conjuror's worfted by the Knight.
Ver. 868. Without pursuit.] Tavoid purfuit, in
the two first editions of 1664.
Ver. 879.] This, and the five following lines, not in the two first editions of 1664. Added in
And that he durft not now, for shame, Appear in court to try his claim. This was the pen'worth of his thought, To pafs time, and uneafy trot.
Quoth he, In all my paft adventures I ne'er was fet fo on the tenters. Or taken tardy with dilemma, That every way I turn does hem me,
Ver. 25.] Apply to wizards. Run after, in the edition of 1664.
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