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THE SPECTATOR.

for the Pictish damsel, we have an easy | face betwixt them; and this my worthy
chair prepared at the upper end of the predecessor, Mr. Sergeant Chin, always
table; which we doubt not but she will maintained to be no more than the true
grace with a very hideous aspect, and oval proportion between man and wife.
much better become the seat in the native But as this may be a new thing to you, who
and unaffected uncomeliness of her person, have hitherto had no expectations from
than with all the superficial airs of the women, I shall allow you what time you
pencil, which (as you have very ingeniously think fit to consider on it; not without some
observed) vanish with a breath, and the hope of seeing at last your thoughts here-
most innocent adorer may deface the shrine upon subjoined to mine, and which is an
with a salutation, and in the literal sense of honour much desired by, sir, your assured
our poets, snatch and imprint his balmy friend, and most humble servant,
kisses, and devour her melting lips. In
short, the only faces of the Pictish kind
that will endure the weather, must be of

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HUGH GOBLIN, Præses.'

The following letter has not much in it, but as it is written in my own praise, I cannot from my heart suppress it.

Dr. Carbuncle's die; though his, in truth, has cost him a world the painting; but then he boasts with Zeuxes, in æternitatem hingo; and oft jocosely tells the fair ones, would they acquire colours that would stand kissing, they must no longer paint, but drink for a complexion: a maxim that in this our age has been pursued with no ill success; and has been as admirable in its effects, as the famous cosmetic mentioned in the Postman, and invented by the renowned British Hippocrates of the pestle and mortar; making the party, after a due course, rosy, hale, and airy; and the best and most approved receipt now extant, for the fever of the spirits. But to return to our female candidate, who, I understand is returned to herself, and will no longer hang out false colours; as she is the first of her sex that has done us so great an honour, she will certainly in a very short time, both in prose and verse, be a lady of the most celebrated deformity now living, and meet with many admirers here as frightful as herself. But being a long-headed gentlewoman, I am apt to imagine she has some further design than you have yet penetrated; and perhaps has more mind to the Spectator than any of his fraternity, as the person of all the world she could like for a paramour. And if so, really I cannot but applaud her choice, and should be glad, if it might lie in my power, to effect an amicable accommodation betwixt two faces of such different ex- No. 53.] Tuesday, May 1, 1711. tremes, as the only possible expedient to mend the breed, and rectify the physiognomy of the family on both sides. And again, as she is a lady of a very fluent elocution, you need not fear that your first child will be born dumb, which otherwise you might have reason to be apprehensive of. To be plain with you, I can see nothing shocking in it; for though she has not a face like a john-apple, yet as a late friend of mine, who at sixty-five ventured on a lass of fifteen, very frequently in the remaining five years of his life gave me to understand, that as old as he then seemed, when they were first married he and his spouse could make but fourscore; so may madam Hecatissa very justly allege hereafter, that as long-visaged as she may then be thought, upon their wedding-day Mr. Spectator and she had but half an ell of

SIR,-You proposed in your Spectator
of last Tuesday, Mr. Hobbs's hypothesis
for solving that very odd phænomenon of
laughter. You have made the hypothesis
valuable by espousing it yourself; for had
it continued Mr. Hobbs's, nobody would
have minded it. Now here this perplexed
case arises. A certain company laughed
very heartily upon the reading of that very
paper of yours; and the truth of it is, he
must be a man of more than ordinary
constancy that could stand out against so
much comedy, and not do as we did. Now
there are few men in the world so far lost
to all good sense, as to look upon you to be
a man in a state of folly "inferior to him-
self."-Pray then how do you justify your
hypothesis of laughter?

Q. R.'
'Your most humble,
Thursday, the 26th of the month of fools.

'SIR,-In answer to your letter, I must
desire you to recollect yourself; and you
will find, that when you did me the honour
to be so merry over my paper, you laughed
at the idiot, the German courtier, the gaper,
the merry-andrew, the haberdasher, the
"Your humble servant,
biter, the butt, and not at
THE SPECTATOR.'

My correspondents grow so numerous, that I cannot avoid frequently inserting their applications to me.

'MR. SPECTATOR,-I am glad I can in form you, that your endeavours to adorn that sex, which is the fairest part of the visible creation, are well received, and like to prove not unsuccessful. The triumph of Daphne over her sister Lætitia has been the subject of conversation at several tea-tables where I have been present; and I have observed the fair circle not a little pleased to find you considering them as reasonable creatures, and endeavouring to

banish that Mahometan custom, which had too much prevailed even in this island, of treating women as if they had no souls. I must do them the justice to say, that there seems to be nothing wanting to the finishing of these lovely pieces of human nature, besides the turning and applying their ambition properly, and the keeping them up to a sense of what is their true merit. Epictetus, that plain, honest philosopher, as little as he had of gallantry, appears to have understood them, as well as the polite St. Evremont, and has hit this point very luckily. When young women,' says he, arrive at a certain age, they hear themselves called Mistresses, and are made to believe that their only business is to please the men; they immediately begin to dress, and place all their hopes in the adorning of their persons; it is therefore,' continues he, worth the while to endeavour by all means to make them sensible that the honour paid to them is only upon account of their conducting themselves with virtue, modesty, and discretion.'

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the rules of honour and prudence; and
have thought it an observation not ill-made,
that where that was wholly denied, the
women lost their wit, and the men their
good manners. It is, sure, from those im-
proper liberties you mentioned, that a sort
of undistinguishing people shall banish
from their drawing-rooms the best-bred
men in the world, and condemn those that
do not. Your stating this point might, I
think, be of good use, as well as much
oblige, sir, your admirer and most humble
servant,
ANNA BELLA.'

No answer to this, till Anna Bella sends
bred men in the world.
a description of those she calls the best-

'MR. SPECTATOR,-I am a gentleman who for many years last past have been well known to be truly splenetic, and that my spleen arises from having contracted so great a delicacy, by reading the best authors, and keeping the most refined company, that I cannot bear the least impropriety of language, or rusticity of behaviour. Now, to pursue the matter yet further, Now, sir, I have ever looked upon this as and to render your cares for the improve- a wise distemper; but by late observations ment of the fair ones more effectual, I find, that every heavy wretch, who has nowould propose a new method, like those thing to say, excuses his dulness by comapplications which are said to convey their plaining of the spleen. Nay, I saw the virtue by sympathy; and that is, that in other day, two fellows in a tavern kitchen order to embellish the mistress, you should set up for it, call for a pint and pipes, and give a new education to the lover, and only by guzzling liquor, to each other's teach the men not to be any longer dazzled health, and by wafting smoke in each by false charms and unreal beauty. I can- other's face, pretend to throw off the not but think that if our sex knew always spleen. I appeal to you whether these how to place their esteem justly, the other dishonours are to be done to the distemper would not be so often wanting to themselves in deserving it. For as the being enamoured with a woman of sense and virtue is an improvement to a man's understanding and morals, and the passion is ennobled by the object which inspires it; so on the other side, the appearing amiable to a man of a wise and elegant mind, carries in itself no small degree of merit and accomplishment. I conclude, therefore, that one way to make the women yet more agreeable is, to make the men more virtuous. I am, sir, your most humble servant, R. B.'

'April 26th.

'SIR, Yours of Saturday last I read, not without some resentment; but I will suppose, when you say you expect an inundation of ribands and brocades, and to see many new vanities which the women will fall into upon a peace with France, that you intend only the unthinking part of our sex; and what methods can reduce them to reason is hard to imagine.

But, sir, there are others yet, that your instructions might be of great use to, who, after their best endeavours, are sometimes at a loss to acquit themselves to a censorious world. I am far from thinking you can altogether disapprove of conversation between ladies and gentlemen, regulated by

of the great and the polite. I beseech you, sir, to inform these fellows that they have not the spleen, because they cannot talk without the help of a glass at their mouths, or convey their meaning to each other without the interposition of clouds. If you will not do this with all speed, I assure you, for my part, I will wholly quit the disease, and for the future be merry with the vulgar. I am, sir, your humble servant.'

'SIR,-This is to let you understand that I am a reformed Starer, and conceived a detestation for that practice from what you have writ upon the subject. But as you have been very severe upon the behaviour of us men at divine service, I hope you will not be so apparently partial to the women, as to let them go wholly unobserved. If they do every thing that is possible to attract our eyes, are we more culpable than they, for looking at them? I happened last Sunday to be shut into a pew, which was full of young ladies in the bloom of youth and beauty. When the service began, I had not room to kneel at the confession, but as I stood kept my eyes from wandering as well as I was able, till one of the young ladies, who is a Peeper, resolved to bring down my looks and fix my devotion on herself. You are to know, sir, that a Peeper works with her hands, eyes, and

No. 54.1

THE SPECTATOR.

Given at our court in Vinegar-yard, story the third from the earth, April 28, 1711.'

fan; one of which is continually in motion,
while she thinks she is not actually the ad-
miration of some ogler or starer in the con-
gregation. As I stood utterly at a loss how
to behave myself, surrounded as I was,
this Peeper so placed herself as to be No. 54.] Wednesday, May 2, 1711.
kneeling just before me. She displayed the
most beautiful bosom imaginable, which
heaved and fell with some fervour, while a
delicate well-shaped arm held a fan over
her face. It was not in nature to command
one's eyes from this object. I could not
avoid taking notice also of her fan, which
had on it various figures very improper to
behold on that occasion. There lay in the
body of the piece a Venus under a purple
canopy furled with curious wreaths of dra-
pery, half naked, attended with a train of
Cupids, who were busy in fanning her as
she slept. Behind her was drawn a satyr
peeping over the silken fence, and threat-
ening to break through it. I frequently
offered to turn my sight another way, but
was still detained by the fascination of the
Peeper's eyes, who had long practised a
skill in them, to recal the parting glances
of her beholders. You see my complaint,
and I hope you will take these mischievous
people, the Peepers, into your considera-
tion. I doubt not but you will think a
Peeper as much more pernicious than a
Starer, as an ambuscade is more to be fear-
ed than an open assault. I am, Sir, your
most obedient servant.'

Hor. Lib. 2. Ep. xi. 28.
Laborious idleness our powers employs.

THE following letter being the first that
have received from the learned university
of Cambridge, I could not but do myself
the honour of publishing it. It gives an ac-
count of a new sect of philosophers which
has arose in that famous residence of learn-
ing; and is, perhaps, the only sect this age
is likely to produce.

This Peeper using both fan and eyes, to be considered as a Pict, and proceed accordingly.

KING LATINUS to the SPECTATOR,

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Though some may think we descend from our imperial dignity, in holding correspondence with a private literato; yet as we have great respect to all good intentions for our service, we do not esteem it beneath us to return you our royal thanks for what you have published in our behalf, while under confinement in the enchanted castle of the Savoy, and for your mention of a subsidy for a prince in misfortune. This your timely zeal has inclined the hearts of divers to be aiding unto us, if we could propose the means. We have taken their good-will into consideration, and have contrived a method which will be easy to those who shall give the aid, and not unacceptable to us who receive it. A concert of music shall be prepared at Haberdasher's-hall, for Wednesday the second of May, and we will honour the said entertainment with our own presence, where each person shall be assessed but at two shillings and sixpence. What we expect from you is, that you publish these our royal intentions, with injunction that they be read at all tea-tables within the cities of London and Westminster; and so we bid you heartily farewell.

'LATINUS, King of the Volscians.

"Cambridge, April 26. 'MR. SPECTATOR,-Believing you to be an universal encourager of liberal arts and sciences, and glad of any information from the learned world, I thought an account of a sect of philosophers, very frequent among us, but not taken notice of as far as I can remember, by any writers, either ancient or modern, would not be unacceptable to you. The philosophers of this sect are in the language of our university called Loungers. I am of opinion, that, as in many other things, so likewise in this, the ancients have been defective; viz: in menindeed will affirm that they are a kind of tioning no philosophers of this sort. Some Peripatetics, because we see them contithese gentlemen consider, that though the nually walking about. But I would have ancient Peripatetics walked much, yet they wrote much also; witness, to the sorrow of this sect, Aristotle and others; whereas it is notorious that most of our professors never lay out a farthing either in pen, ink, or paper. Others are for deriving them from Diogenes, because several of the leading men of the sect have a great deal of cynical humour in them, and delight much in sunshine. But then, again, Diogenes was content to have his constant habitation in a narrow tub, whilst our philosophers are so far from being of his opinion, that it is death to them to be confined within the limits of a good handsome convenient chamber but for half an hour. Others there are who from the clearness of their heads deduce the pedigree of loungers from that great man (I think it was either Plato or Socrates) who, after all his study and learning, professed, that all he then knew was, that he knew nothing. You easily see this is but a shallow argument, and may be soon confuted.

I have with great pains and industry made my observation from time to time upon these sages; and having now all materials ready, am compiling a treatise, wherein I shall set forth the rise and protheir maxims, austerities, manner of living, gress of this famous sect, together with &c. Having prevailed with a friend who

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designs shortly to publish a new edition of Diogenes Laertius, to add this treatise of mine by way of supplement; I shall now, to let the world see what may be expected from me (first begging Mr. Spectator's leave that the world may see it) briefly touch upon some of my chief observations, and then subscribe myself your humble servant. In the first place I shall give you two or three of their maxims: the fundamental one, upon which their whole system is built, is this, viz. That time being an 'implacable enemy to, and destroyer of all things, ought to be paid in his own coin, and be destroyed and murdered without mercy, by all the ways that can be invented.' Another favourite saying of theirs is, That business was only designed for knaves, and study for blockheads.' A third seems to be à ludicrous one, but has a great effect upon their lives; and is this, That the devil is at home.' Now for their manner of living: and here I have a large field to expatiate in; but I shall reserve particulars for my intended discourse, and now only mention one or two of their principal exercises. The elder proficients employ themselves in inspecting mores hominum multorum, in getting acquainted with all the signs and windows in the town. Some are arrived to so great a knowledge, that they can tell every time any butcher kills a calf, every time an old woman's cat is in the straw; and a thousand other matters as important. One ancient philosopher contemplates two or three hours every day over a sun-dial; and is true to the dial,

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only the present instant, and do not taste
even that. When one of this order hap-
pens to be a man of fortune, the expense
of his time is transferred to his coach and
horses, and his life is to be measured by
their motion, not his own enjoyments or
sufferings. The chief entertainment one
of these philosophers can possibly propose
to himself, is to get a relish of dress. This,
methinks, might diversify the person he is
weary of (his own dear self) to himself. I
have known these two amusements make
one of these philosophers make a very
tolerable figure in the world; with variety
of dresses in public assemblies in town,
and quick motion of his horses out of it;
now to Bath, now to Tunbridge, then to
Newmarket, and then to London, he has
in process of time brought it to pass, that
his coach and his horses have been men-
tioned in all those places. When the loun-
gers leave an academic life, and instead of
this more elegant way of appearing in the
polite world, retire to the seats of their an-
cestors, they usually join a pack of dogs,
and employ their days in defending their
poultry from foxes; I do not know any
other method that any of this order have
ever taken to make a noise in the world;
but I shall enquire into such about this
town as have arrived at the dignity of being
loungers by the force of natural parts,
without having ever seen a university; and
send my correspondent for the embellish-
ment of his book, the names and history
of those who pass their lives without any
incidents at all; and how they shift coffee-
houses and chocolate-houses from hour to
hour, to get over the insupportable labour
R.
of doing nothing.

-As the dial to the sun,
Although it be not shone upon."
Our younger students are content to carry
their speculations as yet no farther than
bowling-greens, billiard-tables, and such
like places. This may serve for a sketch No. 55.] Thursday, May 3, 1711.

of my design; in which I hope I shall have your encouragement. I am, Sir, yours.'

-Intus et in jecore ægro
Nascuntur Domini-

Pers. Sat. v. 120.

Our passions play the tyrant in our breasts. I must be so just as to observe I have formerly seen of this sect at our other univer- ways of living among mankind, take their MOST of the trades, professions, and sity; though not distinguished by the ap-original either from the love of pleasure or pellation which the learned historian, my the fear of want. correspondent, reports they bear at Cam- becomes too violent, degenerates into luxuThe former, when it bridge. They were ever looked upon as a people that impaired themselves more by their strict application to the rules of their order, than any other students whatever. Others seldom hurt themselves any further than to gain weak eyes, and sometimes headaches; but these philosophers are seized all over with a general inability, indolence, and weariness, and a certain impatience of the place they are in, with a heaviness in removing to another.

The loungers are satisfied with being merely part of the number of mankind, without distinguishing themselves from amongst them. They may be said rather to suffer their time to pass than to spend it, without regard to the past, or prospect of the future. All they know of this life is

Y, and the latter into avarice. As these two principles of action draw different ways, Persius has given us a very humourroused out of his bed in order to be sent ous account of a young fellow who was wards overpersuaded and kept at home upon a long voyage, by Avarice, and afterby Luxury. I shall set down the pleadings of these two imaginary persons, as they are in the original, with Mr. Dryden's trans

lation of them:

Mane, piger, stertis: surge, inquit Avaritia; eja
Surge. Negas, instat, surge, inquit. Non queo. Surge.
Et quid agam? Rogitas? saperdas advebe ponto,
Castoreum, stuppas, ebenum, thus, lubrica Coa.
Tolle recens primus piper e sitiente camelo.
Verte aliquid; jura. Sed Jupiter audiet. Eheu!
Baro, regustatum digito terebrare salinum
Contentus perages, si vivere cum Jove tendis.

Jam pueris pellem succinctus, et cenophorum aptas;
Ocyus ad navem. Nil obstat quin trabe vasta
Egeun rapias, nisi solers Luxuria ante
Seductum moneat; Quo deinde insane ruis? Quo?
Quid tibi vis? Calido sub pectore mascula bilis
Intumuit, quam non extinxerit urna cicutæ ?
Tun' mare transilias? Tibi torta cannabe fulto
Cœna sit in transtro? Veientanumque rubellum
Exhalet vapida læsum pice sessilis obba?
Quid petis? Ut nummi, quos hic quincunce modesto
Nutrieras, pergant avidos sudare deunces?
Indulge genio: carpamus dulcia; nostrum est
Quod vivis; cinis, et manes, et fabula fies.

Vive memor lethi; fugit hora. Hoc quod loquor,

inde est.

En quid agis? Duplici in diversum scinderis hamo.
Hunccine, an hunc sequeris ?-'

Sat. v. 132.

'Whether alone or in thy harlot's lap, "
When thou wouldst take a lazy morning's nap;
Up, up, says Avarice; thou snor'st again,
Stretchest thy limbs, and yawn'st, but all in vain.
The rugged tyrant no denial takes;

At his command th' unwilling sluggard wakes.
What must I do? he cries; What? says his lord;
Why rise, make ready, and go straight aboard;
With fish, from Euxine seas, thy vessel freight;
Flax, castor, Coan wines, the precious weight
Of pepper, and Sabean incense, take

With thy own hands, from the tir'd camel's back,
And with post-haste thy running markets make;
Be sure to turn the penny; lie and swear;
"Tis wholesome sin: but Jove, thou say'st will hear.
Swear, fool, or starve, for the dilemma's even ;
A tradesman thou! and hope to go to heav'n?

Resolv'd for sea, the slaves thy baggage pack,
Each saddled with his burden on his back:
Nothing retards thy voyage now, but he,
That soft, voluptuous prince, call'd Luxury;
And he may ask this civil question; Friend,
What dost thou make a shipboard? To what end?
Art thou of Bethlem's noble college free?

and prosperity. At such times men naturally endeavour to outshine one another in pomp and splendour, and having no fears to alarm them from abroad, indulge themselves in the enjoyment of all the pleasures they can get into their possession; which naturally produces avarice, and an immoderate pursuit after wealth and riches.

As I was humouring myself in the speculation of those two great principles of action, I could not forbear throwing my thoughts into a little kind of allegory or fable, with which I shall here present my reader.

There were two very powerful tyrants engaged in a perpetual war against each other, the name of the first was Luxury, and of the second Avarice. The aim of each of them was no less than universal monarchy over the hearts of mankind. Luxury had many generals under him, who did him great service, as Pleasure, Mirth, Pomp, and Fashion. Avarice was likewise very strong in his officers, being faithfully served by Hunger, Industry, Care, and Watchfulness: he had likewise a privy-counsellor who was always at his elbow, and whispering something or other in his ear: the name of this privy-counsellor was Poverty. As Avarice con

Stark, staring mad, that thou would'st tempt the sea? ducted himself by the counsels of Poverty,

Cubb'd in a cabin, on a matrass laid,

On a brown George, with lousy swabbers fed;
Dead wine, that stinks of the Borachio, sup
From a fowl jack, or greasy maple cup?

Say would'st thou bear all this, to raise thy store,
From six i' th' hundred to six hundred more?
Indulge, and to thy genius freely give;
For, not to live at ease, is not to live.
Death stalks behind thee, and each flying hour
Does some loose remnant of thy life devour.
Live, while thou liv'st; for death will make us all
A name, a nothing but an old wife's tale.
Speak: wilt thou Avarice or Pleasure choose
To be thy lord? Take one, and one refuse.'

When a government flourishes in con-
quests, and is secure from foreign attacks,
it naturally falls into all the pleasures of
luxury; and as these pleasures are very
expensive, they put those who are ad-
dicted to them upon raising fresh supplies
of money, by all the methods of rapacious-
ness and corruption; so that avarice and
luxury very often become one complicated
principle of action, in those whose hearts
are wholly set upon ease, magnificence,
and pleasure. The most elegant and cor-
rect of all the Latin historians observes,
that in his time, when the most formidable
states of the world were subdued by the Ro-
mans, the republic sunk into those two vices
of a quite different nature, luxury and ava-
rice:* and accordingly describes Catiline as
one who coveted the wealth of other men,
at the same time that he squandered away
his own.
This observation on the com-
monwealth, when it was in its height of
power and riches, holds good of all go-
vernments that are settled in a state of ease

* Alieni uppetens, sui profusus.--Sal.

his antagonist was entirely guided by the
dictates and advice of Plenty, who was his
first counsellor and minister of state, that
concerted all his measures for him, and
never departed out of his sight. While
these two great rivals were thus contend-
ing for empire, their conquests were very
varicus. Luxury got possession of one
heart, and Avarice of another. The father
of a family would often range himself un-
der the banners of Avarice, and the son
under those of Luxury. The wife and the
husband would often declare themselves
on the two different parties: nay, the same
person would very often side with one in
his youth, and revolt to the other in his old
age. Indeed the wise men of the world
stood neuter; but alas! their numbers were
not considerable. At length, when these
two potentates had wearied themselves with
waging war upon one another, they agreed
upon an interview, at which neither of
their counsellors were to be present. It is
said that Luxury began the parley, and af-
ter having represented the endless state of
war in which they were engaged, told his
enemy, with a frankness of heart which is
natural to him, that he believed they two
should be very good friends were in not for
the instigations of Poverty, that pernicious
counsellor, who made an ill use of his ear,
and filled him with groundless apprehen-
To this Avarice re-
sions and prejudices.
plied, that he looked upon Plenty (the first
minister of his antagonist) to be a much
more destructive counsellor than Poverty,
for that he was perpetually suggesting

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