I have been married these two years, and liv'd with batchelors most part of my life. Sir Sim. Do you hear, Jasper? I'm all over in a sweat. -Pray, miss, have not you had company this afternoon? I saw a young fop go out of the house as I was coming hi ther. Bid. You might have seen two, Sir Simon, if your eyes had been good. Sir Sim. Do you hear, Jasper ?-Sure the child is pos-sess'd-Pray, miss, what do they want here? Bid. Me, Sir; they wanted me.. Sir Simon. What did they want with you, I say? Sir Sim. Do you hear, Jasper?-I am thunder-struck! I can't believe my own ears! Tell me the reason, I say, why Tag. I'll tell you the reason why, if you please, Sir Simon. Miss, you know, is a very silly young girl, and having found out (Heaven knows how!) that there is some little difference between sixty-five and twenty-five, she's ridiculous enough to choose the latter; when if she'd take my advice. Sir Sim. You are right, Tag, she wou'd take me? Eh? Tag. Yes, Sir, as the only way to have both; for if she marries you, the other will follow of course. Sir Sim. Do you hear, Jasper? Bid. 'Tis very true, Sir Simon; from knowing no better, I have set my heart upon a young man, and a young one I'll have; there have been three here this afternoon. Sir Sim. Three, Jasper ? Bid. And they have been quarrelling about me, and one has beat the other two. Now, Sir Simon, if you'll take up the conqueror and kick him, as he has kick'd the others, you shall have me for your reward, and my fifteen thousand pounds into the bargain. What says my hero?:. Eh? [Slaps him on the back. Sir Sim. The world's at an end- What's to be dɔne, Jasper ? Fas. Pack up and be gone; don't fight the match, sir. Sir Sim. Flesh and blood can't bear it--I'm all over agitation-Hugh, hugh !-am I cheated by a baby, a doll ? D6 Where's Where's your aunt, you young cockatrice ?—I'll let her know she's a base woman, and you are. Bid. You are in a fine humour to shew your valour. Tag, fetch the captain this minute, while sir Simon is warm, and let him know, he is waiting here to cut his throat Exit Tag.] I lock'd him up in my bed-chamber till you came. Sir Sim. Here's an imp of darkness! what would I give that my son Bob was here to thrash her spark, while I— avish'd the rest of the family. Jas. I believe we had best retire, Sir. Sir Sim. No, no, I must see her bully first; and, do you hear, Jasper, if I put him in a passion do you knock him down. Jas. Pray, keep your temper, sir. Enter CAPTAIN, TAG, and PUFF. Capt. [Approaching angrily. What's the meaning, sir? Ounds! it is my father, Puff; what shall I do ? [Aside.. Puff [Drawing him by the coat.] Kennel again, sir. Sir Sim. I am enchanted! Capt. There is no retreat, I must stand it ! Bid. What's all this? [Starting.. Sir Sim. Your humble servant, captain Fire-Ball.--You are welcome from the wars, noble captain. I did not think. of being knock'd o' th' head, or cut up alive by so fine a gentleman. Capt. I am under such confusion, sir, that I have no power to convince you of my innocence. Sir Sim. Innocence! pretty lamb! and so, sir, you have left the regiment, and the honourable employment of fighting for your country, to come home and cut your father's throat; why, you'll be a great man in time, Bob! Bid. His father, Tag! Sir Sim. Come, come, 'tis soon done-one stroke does it or if you have any qualms, let your 'squire there perform the operation. Puff. Pray, sir, don't throw such temptations in my way. Capt. Hold your impudent tongue! Sir Sim. Why don't you speak, Mr Modesty; what excuse have you for leaving the army, I say? Capt. My affection to this lady. Sir Sim. Your affection, puppy! Capt. Our love, sir, has been long and mutual; what accidents have happen'd since my going abroad, and her leaving the country, and how I have most unaccountably met you here, I am a stranger to; but whatever appearances may be, I still am, and ever was, your dutiful son. Bid. He talks like an angel, Tag! Sir Sim. Dutiful, sirrah! have not you rivall'd your ther? fa Capt. No, sir, you have rivall'd me; my claim must be prior to yours. Bid. Indeed, sir Simon, he can shew the best title to 'me.. Jas. Sir, sir, the young gentleman speaks well, and as the fortune will not go out of the family, I would advise you to drop your resentment, be reconcil'd to your son, and relinquish the lady. Sir Sim. Ay, ay, with all my heartgive you the girl, she's too much for me, take my word, Bob, you'll catch a tartar. -Look ye, son, I I confess ;-and Bid. I assure you, sir Simon, I'm not the person you take me for; if I have us'd you any ways ill, 'twas for your son's sake, who had my promise and inclinations before you; and tho' I believe I should have made you a most uncomfortable wife, I'll be the best daughter to you in the world; and if you stand in need of a lady, my aunt is disengag'd, and is the best nurse—— Sir Sim. No, no, I thank you, child; you have so turn'd my stomach to marriage, I have no appetite left——But where is this aunt? won't she stop your proceedings, think you? Tag. She's now at her lawyer's, sir, and if you please to go with the young couple, and give your approbation, I'll answer for my old lady's consent. Bid. The Captain, and I, sir Sir Sim. Come, come, Bob, you are but an ensign, don't impose on the girl neither. Capt. I had the good fortune, sir, to please my royal ge neral neral by my behaviour in a small action with the enemy, and he gave me a company. Sir Sim. Bob, I wish you joy! this is news indeed! and when we celebrate your wedding, son, I'll drink a half pint bumper myself to your benefactor. Capt. And he deserves it, sir; such a general, by his example and justice, animates us to deeds of glory, and insures us conquest. Sir Sim. Right, my boy,come along then. [Going. Puff, Halt a little, gentlemen and ladies, if you please: every body here seems well satisfied but myself. Capt. What's the matter with Puff? Puff. Sir, as I would make myself worthy of such a master, and the name of a soldier, I cannot put up the least injury to my honour. Sir Sim. Heyday! what flourishes are these? Puff. Here is the man; come forth, caitiff. (To Jasper.) He hath confess'd this day, that in my absence, he hath taken freedoms with my lawful wife, and had dishonourable intentions against my bed; for which I demand satisfac tion. Sir Sim. (Striking bim.) What stuff is here, the fellow's brain's turn'd. Puff. And crack'd too, sir; but you are my master's father, and I submit. Capt. Come, come, I'll settle your punctilios, and will take care of you and Tag hereafter, provided you drop alk animosities, and shake hands this moment. Puff. My revenge gives way to my interest, and I once again, Jasper, take thee to my bosom. Jas. I'm your friend again, Puffbut harkye-I fear you not; and if you'll lay aside your steel there, as far as a broken head or a black eye, I'm at your service upon demand. Tag. You are very good at crowing indeed, Mr Jasper; but let me tell you, the fool that is rogue enough to brag of a woman's favours must be a dunghill every way-As for you my dear husband, shew your manhood in a proper place, and you need not heed these sheep-bi ters. Sir Sim. The Abigail is pleasant I confess, he, he! Bid. I'm afraid the town will be ill-natured enough to think I have been a little coquetish in my behaviour; but, |