becoming spirit on both sides. The wife was sure attachments, and steadfast in enmity, he treats she was right, and the husband was resolved to every creature as a friend or foe; expects from those have his own way. What was to be done in such he loves unerring integrity, and consigns his enea case? the quarrel grew worse by explanations, mies to the reproach of wanting every virtue. On and at last the fury of both rose to such a pitch, this principle he proceeds; and here begin his disthat they made a vow never to sleep together in appointments. Upon a closer inspection of human the same bed for the future. This was the most nature he perceives, that he should have moderated rash vow that could be imagined, for they still were his friendship, and softened his severity; for he friends at bottom, and, besides, they had but one often finds the excellencies of one part of mankind bed in the house: however, resolved they were to clouded with vice, and the faults of the other go through with it, and at night the fiddle-case was brightened with virtue; he finds no character so laid in bed between them, in order to make a sanctified that has not its failings, none so infamous separation. In this manner they continued for but has somewhat to attract our esteem: he beholds three weeks; every night the fiddle-case being impiety in lawn, and fidelity in fetters. placed as a barrier to divide them. He now, therefore, but too late, perceives that By this time, however, each heartily repented of his regards should have been more cool, and his their vow, their resentment was at an end, and hatred less violent; that the truly wise seldom their love began to return; they wished the fiddle-court romantic friendships with the good, and case away, but both had too much spirit to begin. avoid, if possible, the resentment even of the wickOne night, however, as they were both lying awake ed: every moment gives him fresh instances that with the detested fiddle-case between them, the the bonds of friendship are broken if drawn too husband happened to sneeze, to which the wife, as closely, and that those whom he has treated with is usual in such cases, bid God bless him: "Ay disrespect more than retaliate the injury; at length, but," returns the husband, "woman, do you say therefore, he is obliged to confess, that he has dethat from your heart?" "Indeed I do, my poor clared war upon the vicious half of mankind, withNicholas," cries his wife; "I say it with all my out being able to form an alliance among the virheart." "If so, then," says the husband, "we had tuous to espouse his quarrel. as good remove the fiddle-case." LETTER LXVII. From the Same. Our book-taught philosopher, however, is now too far advanced to recede; and though poverty be the just consequence of the many enemies his conduct has created, yet he is resolved to meet it without shrinking. Philosophers have described poverty in most charming colours, and even his vanity is touched in thinking, that he shall show the world, BOOKS, my son, while they teach us to respect in himself, one more example of patience, fortitude, the interests of others, often make us unmindful of and resignation. "Come, then, O Poverty! for our own; while they instruct the youthful reader what is there in thee dreadful to the WISE? Temto grasp at social happiness, he grows miserable in perance, Health, and Frugality walk in thy train; detail, and, attentive to universal harmony, often Cheerfulness and Liberty are ever thy companions. forgets that he himself has a part to sustain in the Shall any be ashamed of thee, of whom Cincin concert. I dislike therefore the philosopher who describes the inconveniencies of life in such pleasing colours that the pupil grows enamoured of distress, longs to try the charms of poverty, meets it without dread, nor fears its inconveniencies till he severely feels them. natus was not ashamed? The running brook, the herbs of the field, can amply satisfy nature; man wants but little, nor that little long.* Come, then, O Poverty! while kings stand by, and gaze with admiration at the true philosopher's resignation." The goddess appears; for Poverty ever comes A youth who had thus spent his life among at the call; but, alas! he finds her by no means the books, new to the world, and unacquainted with charming figure books and his warm imagination man but by philosophic information, may be con- had painted. As when an Eastern bride, whom sidered as a being whose mind is filled with the her friends and relations had long described as a vulgar errors of the wise; utterly unqualified for a model of perfection, pays her first visit, the longing journey through life, yet confident of his own skill bridegroom lifts the veil to see a face he had never in the direction, he sets out with confidence, blunders on with vanity, and finds himself at last undone. He first has learned from books, and then lays it down as a maxim, that all mankind are virtuous or vicious in excess; and he has been long taught| to detest vice, and love virtue: warm, therefore, in ⚫ Our author has repeated this thought, nearly in the same words, in his Hermit: Then, pilgrim, turn, thy cares forego; time cures a consumption, shall at another give drugs for a dropsy. How absurd and ridiculous! this is being a mere jack-of-all-trades. Is the animal machine less complicated than a brass pin? Not less than ten different hands are required to make a pin; and shall the body be set right by one seen before; but instead of a countenance blazing | In other countries, the physician pretends to with beauty like the sun, he beholds deformity cure disorders in the lump; the same doctor who shooting icicles to his heart; such appears Poverty combats the gout in the toe, shall pretend to preto her new entertainer; all the fabric of enthusiasm scribe for a pain in the head, and he who at one is at once demolished, and a thousand miseries rise up on its ruins, while Contempt, with pointing finger, is foremost in the hideous procession. The poor man now finds, that he can get no kings to look at him while he is eating; he finds, that in proportion as he grows poor, the world turns its back upon him, and gives him leave to single operator? act the philosopher in all the majesty of solitude. The English are sensible of the force of this It might be agreeable enough to play the philoso- reasoning; they have, therefore, one doctor for the pher while we are conscious that mankind are eyes, another for the toes; they have their sciatica spectators; but what signifies wearing the mask of doctors, and inoculating doctors; they have one sturdy contentment, and mounting the stage of doctor who is modestly content with securing them restraint, when not one creature will assist at the from bug-bites, and five hundred who prescribe for exhibition! Thus is he forsaken of men, while the bite of mad dogs. his fortitude wants the satisfaction even of self-ap-| plause; for either he does not feel his present calamities, and that is natural insensibility, or he disguises his feelings, and that is dissimulation. Spleen now begins to take up the man: not distinguishing in his resentments, he regards all mankind with detestation, and, commencing man-hater, seeks solitude to be at liberty to rail. The learned are not here retired, with vicious modesty, from public view; for every dead wall is covered with their names, their abilities, their amazing cures, and places of abode. Few patients can escape falling into their hands, unless blasted by lightning, or struck dead with some sudden disorder. It may sometimes happen, that a stranger who does not understand English, or a countryIt has been said, that he who retires to solitude man who can not read, dies, without ever hearing is either a beast or an angel. The censure is too of the vivifying drops, or restorative electuary; severe, and the praise unmerited; the discontented but, for my part, before I was a week in town, I being, who retires from society, is generally some had learned to bid the whole catalogue of disorders good-natured man, who has begun life without ex-defiance, and was perfectly acquainted with the perience, and knew not how to gain it in his in- names and the medicines of every great man, or tercourse with mankind. Adieu. great woman of them all. LETTER LXVIII. From Lien Chi Altangi to Fum Hoam, First President of the But as nothing pleases curiosity more than anecdotes of the great, however minute or trifling, I must present you, inadequate as my abilities are to the subject, with some account of those personages who lead in this honourable profession. The first upon the list of glory is Doctor Richard Rock, F. U. N. This great man, short of stature, is fat, and waddles as he walks. He always wears a white three-tailed wig, nicely combed, and frizzed upon each cheek, sometimes he carries a cane, I FORMERLY acquainted thee, most grave Fum, with the excellence of the English in the art of healing. The Chinese boast their skill in pulses, the Siamese their botanical knowledge, but the but a hat never. It is indeed very remarkable, that English advertising physicians alone, of being the this extraordinary personage should never wear a great restorers of health, the dispensers of youth, hat, but so it is, he never wears a hat. He is and the insurers of longevity. I can never enough usually drawn at the top of his own bills, sitting in admire the sagacity of this country for the en- his arm chair, holding a little bottle between his couragement given to the professors of this art: finger and thumb, and surrounded with rotten with what indulgence does she foster up those of teeth, nippers, pills, packets, and gallipots. No her own growth, and kindly cherish those that man can promise fairer nor better than he; for, as come from abroad! Like a skilful gardener, she he observes, "Be your disorder never so far gone, invites them from every foreign climate to herself. be under no uneasiness, make yourself quite easy; Here every great exotic strikes root as soon as im- I can cure you." ported, and feels the genial beam of favour; while the mighty metropolis, like one vast munificent dunghill, receives them indiscriminately to her breast, and supplies each with more than native nourishment. The next in fame, though by some reckoned of equal pretensions, is Doctor Timothy Franks, F. O. G. H., living in a place called the Old Bailey. As Rock is remarkably squab, his great rival Franks is as remarkably tall. He was born in the year of the Christian era, 1692, and is, while I now | stomach for its wife."* I have, therefore, drawn write, exactly sixty-eight years, three months and up a disputation challenge, which is to be sent four days old. Age, however, has no way impair- speedily, to this effect: ed his usual health and vivacity: I am told, he generally walks with his breast open. This gentleman, who is of a mixed reputation, is particularly remarkable for a becoming assurance, which carries him gently through life; for, except Dr. Rock, none are more blessed with the advantages of face than Doctor Franks. "I, Lien Chi Altangi, D. N. R. H. native of Honan in China, to Richard Rock, F. U. N. native of Garbage-alley, in Wapping, defiance Though, sir, I am perfectly sensible of your importance, though no stranger to your studies in the path of nature, yet there may be many things in the art of physic with which you are yet unacAnd yet the great have their foibles as well as quainted. I know full well a doctor thou art, great the little. I am almost ashamed to mention it: let Rock, and so am I. Wherefore, I challenge, and the foibles of the great rest in peace. Yet I must do hereby invite you to a trial of learning upon hard impart the whole to my friend. These two great problems, and knotty physical points. In this demen are actually now at variance: yes, my dear bate we will calmly investigate the whole theory Fum Hoam, by the head of our grandfather, they and practice of medicine, botany and chemistry; are now at variance like mere men, mere common and I invite all the philomaths, with many of the mortals. Tho champion Rock advises the world lecturers in medicine to be present at the dispute; to beware of bog-trotting quacks, while Franks re- which, I hope, will be carried on with due decotorts the wit and the sarcasm (for they have both a rum, with proper gravity, and as befits men of world of wit) by fixing on his rival the odious ap- erudition and science among each other. But bepellation of Dumplin Dick. He calls the serious fore we meet face to face, I would thus publicly, Doctor Rock, Dumplin Dick! Head of Confucius, and in the face of the whole world, desire you to what profanation! Dumplin Dick! What a pity, answer me one question; I ask it with the same ye powers, that the learned, who were born mutu- earnestness with which you have often solicited the ally to assist in enlightening the world, should public; answer me, I say, at once, without having thus differ among themselves, and make even the recourse to your physical dictionary, which of those profession ridiculous! Sure the world is wide three disorders, incident to the human body, is the enough, at least, for two great personages to figure most fatal, the syncope, parenthesis, or apoplexy? in: men of science should leave controversy to I beg your reply may be as public as this my dethe little world below them; and then we might mand.t 1 am, as hereafter may be, your admirer, see Rock and Franks walking together hand in or rival. Adieu. hand, smiling onward to immortality. Next to these is Doctor Walker, preparator of his own medicines. This gentleman is remarkable for an aversion to quacks; frequently cautioning the public to be careful into what hands they commit their safety: by which he would insinuate, that if they did not employ him alone, they must be undone. His public spirit is equal to his sucNot for himself, but his country, is the gallipot prepared, and the drops sealed up with proper directions, for any part of the town or country. All this is for his country's good; so that he is now grown old in the practice of physic and virtue; and, to use his own elegance of expression, "There is not such another medicine as his in the world again." cess. LETTER LXIX. From the Same. INDULGENT Nature seems to have exempted this island from many of those epidemic evils which are so fatal in other parts of the world. A want of rain but for a few days beyond the expected season in China spreads famine, desolation, and terror, over the whole country; the winds that blow from the brown bosom of the western desert are impregnated with death in every gale; but in this fortunate land of Britain, the inhabitant courts health in every breeze, and the husbandman ever sows in joyful expectation. This, my friend, is a formidable triumvirate; and yet, formidable as they are, I am resolved to But though the nation be exempt from real evils, defend the honour of Chinese physic against them think not, my friend, that it is more happy on this all. I have made a vow to summon Doctor Rock account than others. They are afflicted, it is true, to a solemn disputation in all the mysteries of the with neither famine or pestilence, but then there is profession, before the face of every philomath, stu- a disorder peculiar to the country, which every dent in astrology, and member of the learned socie-season makes strange ravages among them; it ties. I adhere to and venerate the doctrines of old Wang-shu-ho. In the very teeth of opposition I will maintain, "That the heart is the son of the liver, which has the kidneys for its mother, and the apoplexy is most fatal. ⚫ See Du Halde, Vol. II. fol. p. 185. The day after this was published the editor received an answer, in which the Doctor seems to be of opinion, that the spreads with pestilential rapidity, and infects almost first feebly enters with a disregarded story of a little every rank of people; what is still more strange, dog, that had gone through a neighbouring village, the natives have no name for this peculiar malady, that was thought to be mad by several that ha though well known to foreign physicians by the seen him. The next account comes, that a masappellation of epidemic terror. tiff ran through a certain town, and had bit five A season is never known to pass in which the geese, which immediately ran mad, foamed at the people are not visited by this cruel calamity in one bill, and died in great agonies soon after. Then shape or another, seemingly different though ever comes an affecting history of a little boy bit in the the same: one year it issues from a baker's shop in leg, and gone down to be dipped in the salt water. the shape of a six-penny loaf; the next, it takes the When the people have sufficiently shuddered at appearance of a comet with a fiery tail; a third, it that, they are next congealed with a frightful acthreatens like a flat-bottomed boat; and a fourth, count of a man who was said lately to have died it carries consternation at the bite of a mad dog. from a bite he had received some years before. The people, when once infected, lose their relish This relation only prepares the way for another, for happiness, saunter about with looks of despond- still more hideous, as how the master of a family, ence, ask after the calamities of the day, and re- with seven small children, were all bit by a mad ceive no comfort but in heightening each other's lapdog; and how the poor father first perceived the distress. It is insignificant how remote or near, infection, by calling for a draught of water, where how weak or powerful the object of terror may be; he saw the lapdog swimming in the cup. when once they resolve to fright and be frighted, the merest trifles sow consternation and dismay; each proportions his fears, not to the object, but to the dread he discovers in the countenance of others; for when once the fermentation is begun, it goes on of itself, though the original cause be discontinued which first set it in motion. When epidemic terror is thus once excited, every morning comes loaded with some new disaster: as, in stories of ghosts, each loves to hear the account, though it only serves to make him uneasy, so here each listens with eagerness, and adds to the tidings new circumstances of peculiar horror. A lady, for instance, in the country, of very weak nerves, has A dread of mad dogs is the epidemic terror been frighted by the barking of a dog; and this, which now prevails; and the whole nation is at alas! too frequently happens. This story soon is present actually groaning under the malignity of improved and spreads, that a mad dog had frighted its influence. The people sally from their houses a lady of distinction. These circumstances begin with that circumspection which is prudent in such to grow terrible before they have reached the neighas expect a mad dog at every turning. The phy-bouring village, and there the report is, that a lady sician publishes his prescription, the beadle pre-of quality was bit by a mad mastiff. The account pares his halter, and a few of unusual bravery arm every moment gathers new strength, and grows themselves with boots and buff gloves, in order to more dismal as it approaches the capitol; and by face the enemy if he should offer to attack them. the time it has arrived in town, the lady is describIn short, the whole people stand bravely upon their ed with wild eyes, foaming mouth, running mad defence, and seem, by their present spirit, to show upon all fours, barking like a dog, biting her sera resolution of not being tamely bit by mad dogs vants, and at last smothered between two beds by any longer. the advice of her doctors; while the mad mastiff is in the mean time ranging the whole country over, slavering at the mouth, and seeking whom he may devour. My landlady, a good-natured woman, but a little credulous, waked me some mornings ago before the usual hour, with horror and astonishment in her looks; she desired me, if I had any regard for my safety, to keep within; for a few days ago so dismal an accident had happened, as to put all the world upon their guard. A mad dog, down in the country, she assured me, had bit a farmer, who, soon becoming mad, ran into his own yard, and bit Their manner of knowing whether a dog be mad or no, somewhat resembles the ancient European custom of trying witches. The old woman suspected was tied hand and foot, and thrown into the water. If she swam, then she was instantly carried off to be burnt for a witch; if she sunk, then Indeed she was acquitted of the charge, but drowned in the experiment. In the same manner a crowd gathers round a dog suspected of madness, and they begin by teasing the devoted animal on every side; if he attempts to stand upon the defensive and bite, then is he unanimously found guilty, for a mad dog always snaps at every thing; a fine brindled cow; the cow quickly became as if, on the contrary, he strives to escape by running away, then he can expect no compassion, for mad dogs always run straight forward before them. It is pleasant enough for a neutral being like me, who has no share in these ideal calamities, to mark the stages of this national disease. The terror at mad as the man, began to foam at the mouth, and raising herself up, walked about on her hind legs, sometimes barking like a dog, and sometimes attempting to talk like the farmer. Upon examining the grounds of this story, I found my landlady had it from one neighbour, who had it from another neighbour, who heard it from very good au- not there; wherever you see a beautiful woman thority. good-natured and obliging, be convinced Fortune is never there. In short, she is ever seen accom panying industry, and as often trundling a wheel barrow as lolling in a coach and six. If you would make Fortune your friend, or, to Were most stories of this nature thoroughly examined, it would be found that numbers of such as have been said to suffer were no way injured; and that of those who have been actually bitten, not one in a hundred was bit by a mad dog. Such ac- personize her no longer, if you desire, my son, to counts, in general, therefore, only serve to make the people miserable by false terrors, and sometimes fright the patient into actual phrenzy, by creating those very symptoms they pretended to deplore. be rich, and have money, be more eager to save than acquire: when people say, Money is to be got here, and money is to be got there, take no notice; mind your own business; stay where you are, and secure all you can get, without stirring. When But even allowing three or four to die in a season you hear that your neighbour has picked up a purse of this terrible death (and four is probably too large of gold in the street, never run out into the same a concession), yet still it is not considered, how street, looking about you in order to pick up such many are preserved in their health and in their another; or when you are informed that he has property by this devoted animal's services. The made a fortune in one branch of business, never midnight robber is kept at a distance; the insidi- change your own in order to be his rival. Do not ous thief is often detected; the healthful chase re-desire to be rich all at once; but patiently add pairs many a worn constitution; and the poor man farthing to farthing. Perhaps you despise the finds in his dog a willing assistant, eager to lessen petty sum; and yet they who want a farthing, and his toil, and content with the smallest retribution. have no friend that will lend them it, think farth"A dog," says one of the English poets, "is an ings very good things. Whang, the foolish miller, honest creature, and I am a friend to dogs." Of when he wanted a farthing in his distress, found all the beasts that graze the lawn or hunt the for- that no friend would lend, because they knew he est, a dog is the only animal that, leaving his fel-wanted. Did you ever read the story of Whang, lows, attempts to cultivate the friendship of man; in our books of Chinese learning? he who, deto man he looks in all his necessities with a speak- spising small sums, and grasping at all, lost even ing eye for assistance; exerts for him all the little what he had. service in his power with cheerfulness and plea- Whang, the miller, was naturally avaricious; sure: for him bears famine and fatigue with pa- nobody loved money better than he, or more retience and resignation; no injuries can abate his spected those that had it. When people would fidelity; no distress induce him to forsake his talk of a rich man in company, Whang would say, benefactor; studious to please, and fearing to I know him very well; he and I have been long offend, he is still an humble, steadfast depen- acquainted; he and I are intimate; he stood for a dant; and in him alone fawning is not flattery. child of mine: but if ever a poor man was menHow unkind then to torture this faithful creature, tioned, he had not the least knowledge of the man; who has left the forest to claim the protection of he might be very well for aught he knew: but he man! how ungrateful a return to the trusty ani- was not fond of many acquaintances, and loved to mal for all his services! Adieu. choose his company. LETTER LXX. Whang, however, with all his eagerness for riches, was in reality poor; he had nothing but the profits of his mill to support him; but though From Lien Chi Altangi to Hingpo, by the way of Moscow. these were small they were certain; while his mill THE Europeans are themselves blind, who de- stood and went, he was sure of eating, and his fruscribe Fortune without sight. No first-rate beauty gality was such, that he every day laid some moever had finer eyes, or saw more clearly; they who ney by, which he would at intervals count and have no other trade but seeking their fortune, need contemplate with much satisfaction. Yet still his never hope to find her; coquette like, she flies acquisitions were not equal to his desires; he only from her close pursuers, and at last fixes on the found himself above want, whereas he desired to plodding mechanic, who stays at home and minds be possessed of affluence. his business. One day as he was indulging these wishes, he I am amazed how men can call her blind, when, was informed, that a neighbour of his had found a by the company she keeps, she seems so very dis- pan of money under ground, having dreamed of it cerning. Wherever you see a gaming-table, be three nights running before. These tidings were very sure Fortune is not there; wherever you see daggers to the heart of poor Whang. "Here am a house with the doors open, be very sure Fortune I," says he, "toiling and moiling from morning till is not there; when you see a man whose pocket- night for a few paltry farthings, while neighbour holes are laced with gold, be satisfied Fortune is Hunks only goes quietly to bed, and dreams him |