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Sir And. Are you full of them?
Mar. Ay, sir; I have them at my fingers' ends: marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren. [Exit MARIA. Sir To. O knight! thou lack'st a cup of canary. When did I see thee so put down?
Sir And. Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary put me down. Methinks, sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian, or an ordinary man has; but I am a great eater of beef, and, I believe, that does harm to my wit.
Mar. Now, sir, thought is free: I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar, and let it drink. Sir And. Wherefore, sweet heart? what's your metaphor?
Mar. It's dry, sir.
Sir And. Why, I think so: I am not such an ass, but I can keep my hand dry. But what's your jest! Mar. A dry jest, sir.
Sir To. No question.
Sir And. An I thought that, I'd forswear it. I'll not? ride home to-morrow, sir Toby.
Sir To. Excellent: it hangs like flax on a distaff,
Sir And. And, I think, I have the back-trick, simply as strong as any man in Illyria.
Sir To. Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before them? are they like to take dust, like mistress Mall's picture? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard, and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig: I would not so much as make water, but in a sinka-pace. What dost thou mean? is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
Sir And. Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a damask-coloured stock. Shall we set
about some revels?
Sir To. What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus!
Sir And. Taurus? that's sides and heart.
Sir To. No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper. Ha! higher: ha, ha!-excellent! [Exeunt.
Enter DUKE, CURIO, and Attendants.
Vio. On your attendance, my lord; here.
Sure, my noble lord,
Duke. Be clamorous, and leap all civil bounds,
Vio. Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?
Duke. O! then unfold the passion of my love;
I know, thy constellation is right apt
I'll do my best,
To woo your lady :-[Aside.]—yet, a barful strife!
Oli. Take the fool away.
Clo. Do you not hear, fellows? Take away lady.
Oli. Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: besides, you grow dishonest.
Clo. Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry; bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest: if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing that's mended is but patched: virtue that transgresVio. I think not so, my lord. ses is but patched with sin; and sin that amends is but Duke. Dear lad, believe it, || patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism For they shall yet belie thy happy years, will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy! As That say thou art a man: Diana's lip there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty's a Is not more smooth, and rubious; thy small pipe flower. The lady bade take away the fool; thereIs as the maiden's organ, shrill, and sound, fore, I say again, take her away. And all is semblative a woman's part.
Oli. Sir, I bade them take away you.
Mar. Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, to be turned away: is not that as good as a hanging to you?
Clo. Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and for turning away, let summer bear it out. Mar. You are resolute, then!
Clo. Not so neither; but I am resolved on two points.
Mar. That, if one break, the other will hold; or, if both break, your gaskins fall.
Clo. Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way if sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
Mar. Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely; you were best.
Enter OLIVIA, and MALVOLIO.
Clo. Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus? Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.—God bless thee, lady!
Clo. Misprision in the highest degree!—Lady, cucullus non facit monachum: that's as much as to say, I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool. Oli. Can you do it?
Clo. Dexteriously, good madonna.
Oli. Make your proof.
Clo. I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my mouse of virtue, answer me.
Oli. Well, sir, for want of other idleness I'll bide your proof.
Clo. Good madonna, why mourn'st thou? Oli. Good fool, for my brother's death. Clo. I think, his soul is in hell, madonna. Oli. I know his soul is in heaven, fool. Clo. The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
Oli. What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
Mal. Yes; and shall do, till the pangs of death shake him infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool.
Clo. God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox, but he will not pass his word for two-pence that you are no fool.
Oli. How say you to that, Malvolio?
a barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool, that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard already unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools' zanies.
Oli. O! you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless, and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts, that you deem cannon-bullets. There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.
Clo. Now, Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools!
Mar. Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you.
Oli. From the count Örsino, is it?
Mar. I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
Oli. Who of my people hold him in delay?
Oli. Fetch him off, I pray you: he speaks nothing but madman. Fie on him!-[Exit MARIA.]-Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. -[Erit MALVOLIO.]-Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it.
Clo. Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool, whose skull Jove cram with brains; for here he comes, one of thy kin, has a most weak pia mater.
Enter Sir TOBY BELCH.
Oli. By mine honour, half drunk.—What is he at the gate, cousin?
Sir To. A gentleman.
Oli. A gentleman? What gentleman ?
Sir To. "Tis a gentleman here.-A plague o' these pickle-herrings!-How now, sot?
Clo. Good sir Toby,—
Oli. Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
Sir To. Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
Oli. Ay, marry; what is he?
Sir To. Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not give me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
Oli. What's a drunken man like, fool?
Clo. Like a drown'd man, a fool, and a madman: one draught above heat makes him a fool, the second mads him, and a third drowns him.
Oli. Go thou and seek the coroner, and let him sit o' my coz, for he's in the third degree of drink : he's drown'd go, look after him.
Clo. He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman. [Exit Clown.
Mal. Madam, yond' young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick: he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were asleep : he seems to have a fore-knowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? he's fortified against any denial.
Oli. Tell him, he shall not speak with me.
Mal. He has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he'll speak with you. Oli. What kind of man is he?
Mal. Why, of man kind.
Oli. What manner of man?
Mal. Of very ill manner: he'll speak with you, will you, or no.
Oli. Of what personage, and years is he?
Mal. Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a codling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him e'en standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favoured, and he speaks very shrewishly one would think, his mother's milk were scarce out of him.
Oli. Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman. Mal. Gentlewoman, my lady calls. [Exit.
Oli. Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.
We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.
Vio. The honourable lady of the house, which is she?
Oli. Speak to me; I shall answer for her. Your will?
Vio. Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty. I pray you, tell me, if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away my speech; for, besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible even to the least sinister usage. Öli. Whence came you, sir?
Vio. I can say little more than I have studied, and that question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.
Oli. Are you a comedian?
Vio. No, my profound heart; and yet, by the very fangs of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the house?
Oli. If I do not usurp myself, I am.
Vio. Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for what is yours to bestow, is not yours to reserve. But this is from my commission. I will on with my speech in your praise, and then show you the heart of my message.
Oli. Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.
Vio. Alas! I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.
Oli. It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you, keep it in. I heard, you were saucy at my gates, and allowed your approach, rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be not mad, begone; if you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.
Mar. Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your
Vio. No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.
Oli. Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.
Vio. It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage. I hold the
Oli. O sir, I will not be so hard-hearted. I will give out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be inventoried, and every particle, and utensil, labelled to my will; as, item, two lips indifferent red; item, two grey eyes with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise me?
Vio. I see you what you are: you are too proud;
But, if you were the devil, you are fair.
Oli. How does he love me? Vio. With adorations, fertile tears, With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire. Oli. Your lord does know my mind; I cannot
Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
A gracious person; but yet I cannot love him. He might have took his answer long ago.
Vio. If I did love you in my master's flame, With such a suffering, such a deadly life, In your denial I would find no sense: I would not understand it.
Oli. Why, what would you? Vio. Make me a willow cabin at your gate, And call upon my soul within the house; Write loyal cantons of contemned love, And sing them loud even in the dead of night; Halloo your name to the reverberate hills, And make the babbling gossip of the air Cry out, Olivia! O! you should not rest Between the elements of air and earth, But you should pity me.
Oli. You might do much. What is your parentage?
Vio. Above my fortunes, yet my state is well: I am a gentleman.
Get you to your lord:
Spend this for me.
Vio. I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse :
"Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
Unless the master were the man.-How now?
Well, let it be.
Here, madam, at your service. Oli. Run after that same peevish messenger, The county's man: he left this ring behind him, Would I. or not: tell him, I'll none of it. Desire him not to flatter with his lord, Nor hold him up with hopes: I am not for him. If that the youth will come this way to-morrow, I'll give him reasons for't. Hie thee, Malvolio. Mal. Madam, I will. [Erit.
Oli. I do I know not what, and fear to find Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind. Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe; What is decreed must be, and be this so!