LETTER V. TO MRS. F—. made me at length as serious and severe as yourself:-but that the humors you have stirred up might not work too potently York, Tuesday, Nov. 19. 1759. within me, I have waited four days to cool DEAR MADAM, myself, before I would set pen to paper to YOUR kind inquiries after my health, de- answer you, “de mortuis nil nisi bonum.” serve my best thanks.-What can give one I declare I have considered the wisdom and more pleasure than the good wishes of those foundation of it over and over again, as we value? I am sorry you give so bad an dispassionately and charitably as a good account of your own health, but hope you Christian can, and, after all, I can find nowill find benefit from tar-water-it has been thing in it, or make more of it than a nonof infinite service to me.-I suppose, my sensical lullaby of some nurse, put into good lady, by what you say in your letter, Latin by some pedant to be chanted by some "that I am busy writing an extraordinary hypocrite to the end of the world, for the "book," that your intelligence comes from consolation of departing lechers.—”Tis, I York-the fountain-head of all chit-chat own, Latin; and I think that is all the news-and-no matter.-Now for your de- weight it has-for, in plain English, 'tis a sire of knowing the reason of my turning loose and futile position below a disputeauthor? why truly I am tired of employing "you are not to speak any thing of the my brains for other people's advantage.--"dead but what is good." Why so?-Who 'Tis a foolish sacrifice I have made for some says so?-neither reason nor scripture.— years to an ungrateful person.-I depend Inspired authors have done otherwise-and much upon the candor of the public, but I reason and common sense tell me, that if shall not pick out a jury to try the merit of the characters of past ages and men are to my book amongst ********,—and, till you be drawn at all, they are to be drawn like read my Tristram, do not, like some people, themselves; that is, with their excellencies, condemn it.-Laugh I am sure you will at and with their foibles-and it is as much a some passages.—I have hired a small house piece of justice to the world, and to virtue in the Minster Yard for my wife and daugh- too, to do the one as the other. The ruling ter-the latter is to begin dancing, &c.: if passion, et les egaremens du cœur, are the I cannot leave her a fortune, I will at least very things which mark and distinguish a give her an education.-As I shall publish my man's character;—in which I would as works very soon, I shall be in town by March, soon leave out a man's head as his hobbyand shall have the pleasure of meeting with horse. However, if, like the poor devil of you.-All your friends are well, and ever a painter, we must conform to this pious hold you in the same estimation that your canon, de mortuis, &c. which I own has a sincere friend does. Adieu, dear lady: believe me, with every wish for your happiness, your most faithful, &c. DEAR SIR, LAURENCE STERNE. LETTER VI. TO DR. ******. Jan. 30, 1760. spice of piety in the sound of it, and be obliged to paint both our angels and our devils out of the same pot-I then infer that our Sydenhams, and Sangrados, our Lucretius, and Messalinas, our Somers, and our Bolingbrokes, are alike entitled to statues, and all the historians or satirists who have said otherwise since they de parted this life, from Sallust to S-, are guilty of the crimes you charge me with, “cowardice and injustice." But why cowardice? "because 'tis not -De mortuis nil nisi bonum, is a maxim" courage to attack a dead man who can't which you have so often of late urged in "defend himself."—But why do you doctors conversation, and in your letters (but in of the faculty attack such a one with your your last especially,) with such seriousness incision-knife? Oh! for the good of the and severity against me, as the supposed living.-"Tis my plea.-But I have sometransgressor of the rule; -- that you have thing more to say in my behalf-and it is this-I am not guilty of the charge-culing what I thought deserving of it—or though defensible. I have not cut up Doc- of disservice to sound learning, &c.—how tor Kunastrokius at all. I have just I have succeeded, my book must show— scratch'd him and that scarce skin-deep. and this I leave entirely to the world-but -I do him first all honor-speak of Kunas- not to that little world of your acquaintance, trokius as a great man-(be he whom he whose opinion and sentiments you call the will) and then most distantly hint at a droll general opinion of the best judges without foible in his character-and that not first exception, who all affirm (you say) that my reported (to the few who can even under- book cannot be put into the hands of any stand the hint) by me-but known before woman of character. (I hope you except by every chamber-maid and footman within widows, doctor-for they are not all so the bills of mortality—but Kunastrokius, squeamish, but I am told they are all really you say, was a great man-'tis that very of my party, in return for some good offices circumstance which makes the pleasantry done their interests in the 274th page of -for I could name at this instant a score my first volume.) But for the chaste marof honest gentlemen who might have done ried, and chaste unmarried part of the sex the very thing which Kunastrokius did, and they must not read my book! Heaven seen no joke in it at all-as to the failing forbid the stock of chastity should be lessof Kunastrokius, which you say can only ened by the Life and Opinions of Tristram be imputed to his friends as a misfortune-Shandy-yes, his Opinions—it would cerI see nothing like a misfortune in it to any tainly debauch 'em! God take them under friend or relation of Kunastrokius, that his protection in this fiery trial, and send Kunastrokius upon occasion should sit with us plenty of Duennas to watch the work******** and *******_I have put these stars ings of their humors till they have safely not to hurt your worship's delicacy.-If got through the whole work. If this will Kunastrokius after all is too sacred a char- not be sufficient, may we have plenty of acter to be even smiled at (which is all I Sangrados to pour în plenty of cold water, have done,) he has had better luck than his till this terrible fermentation is over-as betters. In the same page (without imputa- for the nummum in loculo, which you mention of cowardice) I have said as much of a tion to me a second time, I fear you think man of twice his wisdom-and that is me very poor, or in debt-I thank God, Solomon, of whom I have made the same though I don't abound-that I have enough remark, "That they were both great men for a clean shirt every day—and a mutton "-and like all mortal men had each their chop--and my contentment, with this, has "ruling passion." thus far (and I hope ever will) put me -The consolation you give me, "That above stooping an inch for it, even for 's "my book, however, will be read enough estate. Curse on it, I like it not to that 'to answer my design of raising a tax upon degree, nor envy (you may be sure) any "the public" is very unconsolatory-to man who kneels in the dirt for it-so that say nothing how very mortifying! by hn! howsoever I may fall short of the ends proan author is worse treated than a com- posed in commencing author-I enter this mon ***** at this rate-"You will get a protest, first, that my end was honest; and, “penny by your sins, and that's enough." secondly, that I wrote not to be fed, but to Upon this chapter let me comment.-That be famous. I am much obliged to Mr. I proposed laying the world under contri- Garrick for his very favorable opinion-but bution when I set pen to paper,-is what I why, dear Sir, had he done better in finding own, and I suppose I may be allow'd to fault with it than in commending it? to have that view in my head, in common with humble me! an author is not so soon humevery other writer, to make my labor of advantage to myself. bled as you imagine-no, but to make the book better by castrations-that is still sub Do you not do the same? but I beg I may judice, and I can assure you upon this chapadd, that whatever views I had of that kind, ter, that the very passages and descriptions I had other views-the first of which was, you propose that I should sacrifice in my the hopes of doing the world good, by ridi-second edition, are what are best relished by men of wit, and some others whom I I have now got home to my lodgings, esteem sound critics-so that, upon the since the play (you astonished me in it,) whole, I am still kept up, if not above fear, and have been unwrapping this self-same at least above despair, and have seen enough wound of mine, and shaking my head over to show me the folly of an attempt of cas-it this half-hour. trating my book to the prudish humors of What the devil!-is there no one learnparticulars. I believe the short-cut would ed blockhead throughout the many schools be to publish this letter at the beginning of of misapplied science in the Christian the third volume, as an apology for the world, to make a tutor of for my Tristram? first and second. I was sorry to find a cen--ex quovis ligno non fit-Are we so run sure upon the insincerity of some of my out of stock, that there is no one lumberfriends-I have no reason myself to re-headed, muddle-headed, mortar-headed, pudproach any one man-my friends have con- ding-headed chap amongst our doctors?— tinued in the same opinions of my books Is there no one single wight of much readwhich they first gave me of them-many ing and no learning, amongst the many chilindeed have thought better of 'em, by con- dren in my mother's nursery, who bid high sidering them more, few worse. for this charge-but I must disable my judgment by choosing a Warburton? Vengeance! have I so little concern for the honor of my hero! Am I a wretch so void of sense, so bereft of feeling for the figure he is to make in story, that I should choose a preceptor to rob him of all the immortality I intended him? O! dear Mr. Garrick! I am, Sir, Your humble servant, LETTER VII. TO DAVID GARRICK, ESQ. [About April, 1760, Thursday, 11 o'clock-Night. DEAR SIR, "Twas for all the world like a cut across my finger with a sharp pen-knife. I saw the blood-gave it a suck-wrapt it upand thought no more about it. Malice is ingenious-unless where the excess of it outwits itself-I have two comforts in this stroke of it; the first is, that this one is partly of this kind; and secondly, that it is one of the number of those which so unfairly brought poor Yorick to his grave. The report might draw blood of the author of Tristram Shandy-but could not harm such a man as the author of the Divine LeBut there is more goes to the healing of gation-God bless him! though (by the bye, a wound than this comes to:-a wound (un- and according to the natural course of deless it is a wound not worth talking of,- scents) the blessing should come from him but, by the bye, mine is) must give you to me. some pain after. Nature will take her own Pray have you no interest, lateral or way with it-it must ferment-it must collateral, to get me introduced to his Lorddigest. The story you told me of Tristram's pretended tutor this morning-My letter by right should have set out with this sentence, and then the simile would not have kept you a moment in suspense. ship. Why do you ask? My dear Sir, I have no claim to such an honor, but what arises from the honor and respect which, in the progress of my work, will be shown the world I owe to so great a man. This vile story, I say-though I then saw both how and where it wounded-I felt Whilst I am talking of owing-I wish, little from it at first-or, to speak more my dear Sir, that any body would tell you, honestly (though it ruins my simile,) I felt how much I am indebted to you. I am dea great deal of pain from it, but affected an termined never to do it myself, or say more air usual on such accidents, of less feeling upon the subject than this, that I am yours, than I had. L. STERNE * a fool as to fall foul upon Dr. Warburton, my best friend, by representing him so weak a man, or by telling such a lie of him,- -as his giving me a purse, to buy off his tutorship for Tristram!-or I should be fool enough to own I had taken his purse for that purpose! I RETURN you ten thousand thanks for the favor of your letter-and the account you give me of my wife and girl. I saw You must know there is a quarrel between Mr. Ch―y to-night at Ranelagh, who Dr. Hill and Dr. M-y, who was the tells me you have inoculated my friend physician meant at Mr. Charles Stanhope's, Bobby. I heartily wish him well through, and Dr. Hill has changed the place on purand hope in God all goes right. pose to give M-y a lick. Now that On Monday we set out with a grand conversation (though perhaps true,) yet retinue of Lord Rockingham's (in whose happened at another place,* and with ansuite I move) for Windsor-they have con- other physician; which I have contradicted tracted for fourteen hundred pounds for the in this city, for the honor of my friend dinner, to some general undertaker, of M- -y: all which shows the absurdity of which the K. has bargained to pay one third. Lord George Sackville was last Saturday at the opera, some say with great effrontery,―others, with great dejection. I have little news to add. There is a shilling pamphlet † wrote against Tristram. I wish they would write a hundred such. Mrs. Sterne says her purse is light: will you, dear Sir, be so good as to pay her ten guineas, and I will reckon with you, when I have the pleasure of meeting you. My best compliments to Mrs. C. and all friends. Believe me, dear Sir, your obliged and faithful LAU. STERNE. * As the truth of this anecdote is not denied, it may gratify curiosity to communicate it in Dr. Hill's own words." At the last dinner that the late lost amiable "Charles Stanhope gave to genius, Yorick was pres"ent. The good old man was vexed to see a pedantic "medicine-monger take the lead, and prevent that pleasantry which good wit and good wine might "have occasioned, by a discourse in the unintelligible language of his profession, concerning the difference "between the phrenitis and the paraphrenitis, and the concomitant categories of the mediastinum and pleura. "Good-humored Yorick saw the sense of the master "of the feast, and fell into the cant and jargon of physic, as if he had been one of Radcliffe's travellers. "The vulgar practice,' says he, savors too much of "mechanical principles; the venerable ancients were "all empirics, and the profession will never regain its "ancient credit, till practice falls into the old track "again. I am myself an instance; I caught cold by "leaning on a damp cushion, and, after sneezing and "sniveling a fortnight, it fell upon my breast. They "blooded me, blistered me, and gave me robs and bobs, "and lohocks, and eclegmata; but I grew worse; for "I was treated according to the exact rules of the "College. In short, from an inflammation it came to "an ADHESION, and all was over with me. They I THIS moment received the favor of your "advised me to go to Bristol, that I might not do them kind letter:-the letter in the Ladies' Maga-" the scandal of dying under their hands; and the LETTER IX. DEAR SIR, TO THE SAME. May, 1760. zine, about me, was wrote by the noted Dr. Hill, who wrote the Inspector, and undertakes that magazine; — the people of York are very uncharitable to suppose any man so gross a beast as to pen such a character of himself.-In this great town, no soul ever suspected it, for a thousand reasons; could they suppose I should be such "Bristol people for the same reason consigned me over "to Lisbon. But what do I? why I considered an "adhesion is, in plain English, only a sticking of two "things together, and that force enough would pull "them asunder. I bought a good ash-pole, and began leaping over all the walls and ditches in the coun"try. From the height of the pole I used to come souse down upon my feet, like an ass, when he tramples upon a bull-dog: but it did not do. At last-when "I had raised myself perpendicularly over a wall, I "used to fall exactly across the ridge of it upon the "side opposite to the adhesion. This tore it off at * Prince Ferdinand, the Marquis of Rockingham," once, and I am as you see. Come, fill a glass to the and Earl Temple, were installed Knights of the Garter, on Tuesday, May 6th, 1760, at Windsor. "The Clock-maker's outcry against the author of Tristram Shandy." 8vo. ↑ The Royal Female Magazine, for April, 1760. Γ York credulity and nonsense. Besides, the P. S. I am just sitting down to go on account is full of falsehoods,-first, with with Tristram, &c.-the scribblers use me regard to the place of my birth, which was ill, but they have used my betters much at Clonmel, in Ireland, the story of a hun- worse, for which may God forgive them. dred pounds to Mrs. W-,* not true, or of a pension promised; the merit of which I disclaimed, and indeed there are so many other things so untrue, and unlikely to come from me, that the worst enemy I have here never had a suspicion,-and, to end all, Dr. Hill owns the paper. LETTER XI. TO MY WITTY WIDOW, MRS. F MADAM, Coxwould, Aug. 3, 1760. I shall be down before May is out;-I preach before the judges on Sunday;—my WHEN a man's brains are as dry as a Sermons come out on Thursday after;-squeez'd orange, and he feels he has no and I purpose, the Monday, at furthest, more conceit in him than a mallet, 'tis in after that, to set out for York;-I have vain to think of sitting down, and writing a bought a pair of horses for that purpose:- letter to a lady of your wit, unless in the my best respects to your Lady I am, Dear Sir, Your most obliged and faithful L. STERNE. honest John-Trot style of yours of the 15th instant came safe to hand, &c., which, by the bye, looks like a letter of business; and you know very well, from the first letter I P. S. I beg pardon for this hasty scrawl, had the honor to write to you, I am a man having just come from a concert where the of no business at all. This vile plight. I D. of York performed.—I have received found my genius in was the reason I have great notice from him, and last week had told Mr. —, I would not write to you till the honor of supping with him. LETTER X. TO DR. WARBURTON, BISHOP OF MY LORD, York, June 9, 1760. the next post,-hoping by that time to get some small recruit, at least of vivacity, if not wit, to set out with;-but upon second thoughts, thinking a bad letter in season,to be better than a good one out of it,-this scrawl is the consequence, which if you will burn the moment you get it-I promise to send you a fine set essay in the style of your female epistolizers, cut and trimm'd at all points.-God defend me from such, who Not knowing where to send two sets of never yet knew what it was to say or write my Sermons, I could think of no better ex-one premeditated word in my whole life; pedient than to order them into Mr. Ber--for this reason I send you this with pleasrenger's hands, who has promised me that ure, because wrote with the careless irreguhe will wait upon your Lordship with them, larity of an easy heart.Who told you, the first moment he hears you are in town. Garrick wrote the medley for Beard?The truest and humblest thanks I return to "Twas wrote in his house, however, and beyour Lordship, for the generosity of your fore I left town.-I deny it, I was not lost protection, and advice to me; by making a two days before I left town.-I was lost all good use of the one, I will hope to deserve the time I was there, and never found till I the other: I wish your Lordship all the got to this Shandy-castle of mine.-Next health and happiness in this world, for I am winter I intend to sojourn amongst you with Your Lordship's more decorum, and will neither be lost or found anywhere. Most obliged and Most grateful Servant, L. STERNE. Now I wish to God, I was at your elbow, -I have just finished one volume of Shandy, and I want to read it to some one who I *The widow of Mr. Sterne's predecessor in the know can taste and relish humor;—this, by of Coxwould. the way, is a little impudent in me,—for I |