chap does not make his way in the world, I'll swallow a peck of my own anti-omnibus pills. Now mutter away, my boy-more foammore foam-that's it!-now for a kick-that's your sort!-clench your fist-capital! capital! Now, my fine fellow, get up, and I'll renovate you with some of my cardiac anti-nervous balm ;" and, so saying, he took out of his closet a small bottle which contained the aforesaid liquor, which was neither more nor less than a dram for ladies, who dared not indulge in more vulgar potations, and which I afterwards found was composed of cherry-bounce, Curaçoa, Cayenne pepper, ginger, and some other drug of a most stimulating nature, which once recommended a certain holy man to a certain great personage;-a fact which may be now noticed, since both parties are in the Elysian Fields.

It was now settled that the following day at four o'clock, Cleaver was to fall down in a fit in Albemarle-street, at the door of a fashionable family-hotel, the doctor driving past at the very time. In a moment he had collected a crowd around him. One exclaimed, "The fellow's drunk!"-another bystander maintained it was apoplexy; a second, epilepsy; and an old woman assured the group that it was catalepsy. The lad's face was sprinkled with kennel water, hartshorn charitably applied to his nostrils, and a stick humanely crammed between his teeth for fear he should bite his tongue. On a sudden, and to his infinite satisfaction, Doall jumped out of his jobfly, and, after looking at the patient for a moment, observed that it was an attack of idiopathic epilepsy, arising from a determination of the sanguineous system to the encephalon. This learned illustration proclaimed the man of science, and every one made way for him with becoming respect. Our esculapius then took out a small phial from his pocket, and, pouring two or three drops into Ned's foaming mouth, he added, "These drops are infallible in recovering people from all sorts of sympathetic, symptomatic, and idiopathic attacks," when Cleaver immediately opened his eyes, looked around him with a vacant stare, to the great amazement of every one present, and in a stuttering voice asked where he was. The doctor generously told him where he lived in a loud and audible manner, gave him half-a-crown, and was about ascending his pill-box, after bidding him call upon him in a day or two, when a servant in a splendid livery stepped forward from the hotel, and informed him that Lady Coverley wished to see him. He was immediately ushered into the presence of a superannuated countess, just arrived from the country.

"My dear sir!" she exclaimed, "I am positively the most fortunate woman in the world, to have thus accidentally met with such a prodigy. I witnessed your wonderful cure upon that poor creature, and I must absolutely get you to see my daughter Virgy. All the physicians in town have attended her, and I do declare I think they have done her more harm than good. When Lord Coverley arrives with Lady Virginia, Virgy shall see you immediately; I declare she must." Doall bowed obsequiously, tendered his address, and, slipping half-a-guinea into the footman's hand, drove off, not without having heard the servant proclaim to all around, "that he was the cleverest man in Lunnun, and beat out all other doctors by chalks ;" the fellow being little aware at the time that his vulgar expression was so applicable.

The doctor was fortunate. Lady Virginia, a nervous, romantic fidget, had been reduced by bleeding, starving, and other expedients, to linger long; and in a short time Doall, having discovered that she was in love, recommended marriage, with repeated doses of his " diac anti-nervous balm;" his prescription effected a perfect cure.

car

Cleaver was now in great favour, and every day proved to him that the doctor's daughter's partiality was assuming a more affectionate character. One morning he was pounding some combustible drugs in a mortar, when Emmelina familiarly entered into conversation with him. After having asked him various questions about his parentage, -when she heard that he was an orphan, she expressed great sympathy. She then reverted to her favourite topic, the drama; and asked him if he often went to the play.

66

Only once, miss," he replied. "And what was the performance?" "Romeo and Juliet."

"Delightful piece!

ward?

How did you like the garden scene, Ed

'See how she leans her cheek upon that hand!

O that I were a glove upon that hand,

That I might touch that cheek!'

And tell me, Edward," she continued with great emotion, "did you not weep?"

"Oh, bitterly!" he sighed; "bitterly !"

"I'm sure you did. When he takes the deadly draught, and says,

'Here's to my love! Oh, true apothecary,

Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.'"

Unfortunately the enraptured girl suited her action to the words, and imitating Romeo casting from him the fatal phial, she seized a bottle of some diabolical ingredient, and threw it into the mortar. A tremendous detonation followed, blowing up the stuff Cleaver was pounding, singeing all his hair and burning his face.

Emmelina's terror at this accident was as great as the pain it had inflicted; and Cleaver was bellowing, and stamping, and kicking, when fortunately Doall came in. The poor sufferer expected some immediate relief from his skill, but was amazed to see him draw back with looks of admiration, and exclaim, "Beautiful, by Jupiter!-beautiful! -Oh, what a thought!-what a grand idea!-beautiful!"

Emmelina entreated him to dress Ned's scalds, which he set about doing with hesitation, ever and anon stepping back to gaze upon him with delight; and, having applied some ointment to his face, he thus proceeded:

Edward, my boy, I love you, I admire you; your fits have worked wonders, and I have now to put your skill to another trial. The accident that has just blown you up, has admirably suited you for my purpose. I shall—what do I say ?. -we shall make a fortune. I must send you on an important mission: you must know that the very ingredients you were pulverising were for the preparation of a remedy of my invention, which infallibly cures carbuncly noses; when I say cures, I mean white-washing them, that they may break out again as extravagantly as they chuse in other hands. Now, the eldest son of

Lord Doodly has a nose- -that I must have hold of: oh, such a nose!

like-like

"A will-o'-the-wisp," exclaimed his daughter.

"A most appropriate simile," rejoined the doctor. "Well, Edward, see here; his conk is nothing to the one you shall wear:" and, so saying, he drew forth from a drawer a most horrible snout of wax, ingeniously fixed upon leather; and, applying it to the youth's face, he was actually struck with horror when he beheld himself in the glass. Emmelina shrieked, and her father roared out in raptures, "Admirable the scalds on your face will add to the beauty of your countenance."

It was arranged that, on the following day Cleaver was to start by the stage for Southampton, where Lord Doodly and his son resided. He was there to sport his awful nose in churches, theatres, public walks, until the whole town should call him "the wretch with the horrible nose!" According to agreement, after a tender farewell scene with Emmelina, he proceeded on his journey; but as he was stepping into the coach at the Golden Cross, a lady with a child upon her lap shrieked out most vehemently, exclaiming, "Coach! guard! coach let me out - let me out! I will not travel if that there gentleman comes in, with his nose."

"What! ma'am," replied the coachman; "would you have the gemman travel without his snorter to accommodate you?"

"Oh! I shall faint; I will faint! Oh! sir, take that nose away!" Cleaver began to wink and blink most awfully.

"Let me out! let me out! Oh Lord! where could a man get such a nose!"

Cleaver pretended to suffer most cruelly, and clapped his handkerchief to his face in apparent agony.

"It's not a nose,' exclaimed a gaunt East Indian in a corner, just awaking from a doze; "it's more like the proboscis of a rhinoceros : it is a disease which we call in Bengal an elephantiasis; and, egad! I'll get out of the coach also, for it's the most d-nable infectious disorder next to leprosy."

"Oh, Gracious!" shrieked the lady, rushing out; "my darling infant has caught it; my Tommy, my jewel, will have an elephant's nose!"

"It's a shame," exclaimed the nabob. "I'll complain to the proprietors. One might as well travel with the plague, and go to bed to the cholera morbus. Let me out, coachy! let me out this instant!"

Coachy now began to apprehend the consequences of a complaint from a person of much weight in Southampton, and politely begged of Cleaver to take an outside seat. The travellers on the top of the coach were as much terrified as the inside ones; and Cleaver was forced to sit on the box next to the driver, who sported an enormous mangel-wurzel smeller of his own, and seemed much amused with the terrors of his passengers.

He terrified gipsy

Cleaver's expedition was most prosperous. parties at Netly, shocked the members of the Yacht Club, interrupted the sketches of tourists, and kept High-street, above and below bar, in a state of constant consternation, after having been refused admittance into half of the hotels. The very parish beadles seemed to have an eye to his nose. In short, the Strasburg burghers had

not been more terrified with the sneezer of Han Kenbergins's traveller, than were the good people of Southampton with that of their visitor. Having thus brought his snout into notoriety, he returned to town on a day when he had discovered that Lord Doodly's butler was going up. The conversation naturally fell upon noses, as the butler declared that he never in all his born days had seen such a pair of nozzles as Cleaver's and his young master's. Our adventurer then informed him that there was only one doctor upon earth who could cure such terrific diseases, and him he was going up to consult. His fellow traveller of course observed, that if he could cure his scent-box he could cure anything; and Cleaver promised him, over a tankard of ale, to let him hear from him if he was so fortunate as to get rid of his distressing disorder.

Two months after, a loud ringing announced a stranger at the gate of Doodly Hall. It was Cleaver, with his natural facial handle, asking for the butler. Overjoyed at a discovery so acceptable to his master, who, in return for his services, might be disposed to overlook his spoliations with more indulgence, Cleaver was introduced by him to the family, who all recollected his former frightful appearance. Lord Impy, the heir of the title and estate, was forthwith sent to London to be placed under Doall's care. Again he had the good fortune to relieve him, and his fame had spread far and near, ere the nasal conflagration broke out again with redoubled virulence.

Cleaver's services were soon requited by the hand of Emmelina, and a partnership in the board. He gradually acquired a smattering of medical knowledge; and, being well aware that affable manners bring on conversation, and conversation tends to draw out ignorance, he very wisely assumed a haughty, and at times a brutal manner; making it a rule never to answer a question, and requesting his patients to hold their tongues when they presumed to trespass on their ailments. His unmannerly behaviour was called frankness, his silence erudition, and his insolence independence. He thus became one of the wealthiest quacks in London. His romantic Emmelina for some time rendered him most miserable; but, fortunately for him, she one night set fire to the house while performing "The Devil to pay" in her private theatricals, and was duly consumed with the premises. With his usual good luck, they had been insured for three times their value; and the doctor was enabled to move to a more fashionable part of the West End, with the additional puff of a fire, a burnt wife, and a disconsolate husband!

The librarian proceeded to relate the adventures of various other medical men; and we then entered an adjoining room, hung round with portraits of distinguished characters, amongst whom I was particularly anxious to learn the history of the once popular patriot, SIR RUBY RATBorough.

PETER PLUMBAGO'S CORRESPONDENCE.

DEAR TOM,—I'm aware you will need no apology

For a nice short epistle concerning geology;

The subject perhaps has been worn to a thread,

But I can't drive Philosophy out of my head!

Before the great meeting in Bristol, no doubt

It was harder to drive such a thing in than out;

But a one-pound subscription once placing it there,

It takes root in the brain, and sprouts faster than hair:

So that, though I get lectures at night from the wife of me,
I can't pluck Philosophy out for the life of me.

Well, Tom,-a prime fellow, brimfull of divinity,
Told jokes about chaos and bones to infinity;
And proved that the world (this he firmly believes)
Long before Adam's day had seen thousands of EVES!
Now, Tom, do you know in this earth that so great a
Proportion of hard rocks inclining in strata

Is caked with dead lizards and crocodiles' bone,

That a singular fact 's incontestably shown

Viz. ALL FLESH (WHICH IS GRASS) MUST IN TIME BECOME STONE!

Either limestone, or crystal, or mineral salt,

(Vide specim.) Lot's wife-crystallized "in a fault."

Fancy, Tom, that your skull may come under the chisel,

And turn out a filter for water to drizzle!

Or imagine the rubicund nose of our uncle,

In some fair lady's brooch, blazing forth a carbuncle !
Though learning is grand, and one labours to win it,
There perhaps lurks a something distressing, Tom, in it.
Thus, whate'er our good character while our life lasted,
When turned into rocks, may we not, Tom, be blasted?
However refined were our tastes and behaviour,
When slabs, to be thumped by the vulgarest pavior!
Who knows but that Newton's immortalised pate
May not some day become a dull schoolboy's old slate;
That head, which threw such an astonishing light upon
The secrets of nature-a ninny to write upon!
Man's knowledge is ignorance, wisdom is folly ;
The more philosophic, the more melancholy.

But, Tom, I've a theory,-my own, Tom,-my pet,
Though not quite mature to be published as yet,
Next year I expect 'twill be brought to perfection,
And be read at the great Geological Section.
The subject of FROGS having pleased the community,
(A subject on which none may gibe with impunity,)
It struck me the cold-blooded matter they own
Must be midway 'twixt animal substance and stone.
They have heads, so have we!-and no tails, so have rocks!—
They've no red blood, like pebbles! but two eyes, like cocks!
Then again,—unlike Christians, with warm, "vital spark,”-
They are cold, so are flints ! a strong circumstance-mark !
An argument some use-there is not much in 't,

That stones have no skins-Hah! then what's a skin flint?
Every day, Tom, I feel more secure my position,
Frogs are ANIMAL ROCKS in a state of transition!

If I prove this, and savans but act with propriety,

I'm sure to preside at the Royal Society!

Then think, Tom, the glory of Bristol! a resident
Elected in London, to sit as the President!
Hark! I hear, Tom, my unphilosophic virago
Of a wife! I must finish-

Yours,

PETER PLUMBAGO.

October 14th, 1836.