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tual and offensive in war as was that of the paladin Astolpho,' or the more classic horn of Alecto. It would have done one's heart good to have seen the governor snapping his fingers and fidgeting with delight, while his sturdy trumpeter strutted up and down the ramparts, fearlessly twanging his trumpet in the face of the whole world, like a thrice-valorous editor daringly insulting all the principalities and powers—on the other side of the Atlantic.
Nor was he content with thus strongly garrisoning the fort, but he likewise added exceedingly to its strength by furnishing it with a formidable battery of quaker guns !-rearing a stupendous flag-staff in the centre, which overtopped the whole city—and, moreover, by building a great windmill on one of the bastions. This last, to be sure, was somewhat of a novelty in the art of fortification, but, as I have already observed, William Kieft was notorious for innovations and experiments ; and traditions do affirm, that he was much given to mechanical inventions — constructing patent smoke-jacks .—carts that went before the horses, and especially erecting windmills, for which machines he bad acquired a singular predilection in his native town of Saardam.
All these scientific vagaries of the little governor were cried up with ecstasy by his adherents, as proofs of his universal genius—but there were not wanting ill-natured grumblers, who railed at him as employing his mind in frivolous pursuits, and devoting that time to smoke-jacks and windmills which should have been occupied in the more important concerns of the province. Nay, they even went so far as to hint, once or twice,
1 The paladins were the chief knights of 4 the angle of a fortification, generally Charlemagne, very famous in romance. As- strongly fortified. tolpho had a magic horn which put to 5 A smoke-jack is a machine set in the flight all who heard it.
chimney for turning a roasting-spit. 2 Alecto was one of the Furies in ancient 6 a town of Holland, not far from Am. mythology.
sterdam. It is famous for the four hun, a slang term for imitation cannon made dred windmills said to be here and there in of wood, the Quakers being unwarlike in the neighborhood. character.
that his head was turned by his experiments, and that he really thought to manage his government as he did his millsby mere wind !-such are the illiberality and slander to which enlightened rulers are ever subject.
Notwithstanding all the measures, therefore, of William the Testy, to place the city in a posture of defence, the inhabitants continued in great alarm and despondency. But fortune, who seems always careful, in the very nick of time, to throw a bone for hope to gnaw upon, that the starveling elf may be kept alive, did about this time crown the arms of the province with success in another quarter, and thus cheered the drooping hearts of the forlorn Nederlanders; otherwise, there is no knowing to what lengths they might have gone in the excess of their sorrowing—“ for grief,” says the profound historian
" of the seven champions of Christendom,' “is companion with despair, and despair a procurer of infamous death !”
Among the numerous inroads of the mosstroopers of Connecticut, which for some time past had occasioned such great tribulation, I should particularly have mentioned a settlement made on the eastern part of Long Island, at a place which, from the peculiar excellence of its shell-fish, was called Oyster Bay. This was attacking the province in the most sensible part, and occasioned great agitation at New-Amsterdam.
It is an incontrovertible fact, well known to skilful physiologists, that the high road to the affections is through the throat; and this may be accounted for on the same principles which I have already quoted in my strictures on fat aldermen. Nor is the fact unknown to the world at large ; and hence do we observe, that the surest way to gain the hearts of the million,
1 “The Seven Champions of Christen- landers, who also laid claim to the whole dom" was a famous old story-book. island. They did not succeed in establish
; the name given, in old times, to the ing their claim, but when New Amsterdam Scotch borderers, as in “The Lay of the was threatened, and finally taken by an Last Minstrel."
English fleet (p. 15), these Long Islanders 3 Long Island, although claimed by the were on hand to assist their countrymen. Dutch, was settled in part by the New Eng- 4 susceptible to feeling.
is to feed them well—and that a man is never so disposed to flatter, to please and serve another, as when he is feeding at his expense ; which is one reason why your rich men, who give frequent dinners, have such abundance of sincere and faithful friends. It is on this principle that our knowing leaders of parties secure the affections of their partisans, by rewarding them bountifully with loaves and fishes; and entrap the suffrages of the greasy mob, by treating them with bull feasts and roasted oxen. I have known many a man, in this same city, acquire considerable importance in society, and usurp a large share of the good-will of his enlightened fellow-citizens, when the only thing that could be said in his eulogium was, that “he gave a good dinner, and kept excellent wine.
Since, then, the heart and the stomach are so nearly allied, it follows conclusively that what affects the one, must sympathetically affect the other. Now, it is an equally incontrovertible fact, that of all offerings to the stomach, there is none more grateful than the testaceous marine animal, known commonly by the vulgar name of Oyster. And in such great reverence has it ever been held, by my gormandizing fellow-citizens, that temples have been dedicated to it, time out of mind, in every street, lane, and alley throughout this well-fed city. It is not to be expected, therefore, that the seizing of Oyster Bay, a place abounding with their favorite delicacy, would be tolerated by the inhabitants of New-Amsterdam. An attack upon their honor they might have pardoned ; even the massacre of a few citizens might have been passed over in silence ; but an outrage that affected the larders of the great city of New-Amsterdam, and threatened the stomachs of its corpulent burgomasters, was too serious to pass unrevenged.—The whole council was unanimous in opinion, that the intruders should be immediately driven by force of arms from Oyster Bay and its vicinity, and a detachment was accordingly despatched for the purpose, under the command of one Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or Brinkerhoofd, (i.e. Stoffel, the head-breaker,) so called be
cause he was a man of mighty deeds, famous throughout the whole extent of Nieuw-Nederlandts for his skill at quarterstaff;' and for size, he would have been a match for Colbrand, the Danish champion, slain by Guy of Warwick.'
Stoffel Brinkerhoff was a man of few words, but prompt actions—one of your straight-going officers, who march directly forward ; and do their orders without making any parade.
; He used no extraordinary speed in his movements, but trudged steadily on, through Nineveh and Babylon, and Jericho and Patchog, and the mighty town of Quag, and various other renowned cities of yore, which, by some unaccountable witchcraft of the Yankees, have been strangely transplanted to Long Island, until he arrived in the neighborhood of Oyster Bay.
Here was he encountered by a tumultuous host of valiant warriors, headed by Preserved Fish, and Habakkuk Nutter, and Return Strong, and Zerubbabel Fish, and Jonathan Doolittle, and Determined Cock !-at the sound of whose names the courageous Stoffel verily believed that the whole parliament of Praise-God Barebones' had been let loose to discomfit him. Finding, however, that this formidable body was composed merely of the "select men” of the settlement, armed
» 5 with no other weapons but their tongues, and that they had issued forth with no other intent than to meet him on the field of argument—he succeeded in putting them to the rout with little difficulty, and completely broke up their settlement. Without waiting to write an account of his victory on the
I a long staff, used formerly as a weapon not invented by Irving. The Puritans had of offence and defence. It was held in the many such strange names, often taken middle, so that both ends could be used to from the Bible. strike and parry with.
4 Praisegod Barebones was a real charac% a legendary figure of English romance. ter. He was a member of the English ParHis battle with Colbrand was supposed to liament of 1653, which was called, in deri. have been in the days of Athelstan, when sion, “Barebones' Parliament.” the Danes and Anglo-Saxons were con- 6 the title of the governing body of a stantly at war in England.
New England village. 2 These curious Christian names were
spot, and thus letting the enemy slip through his fingers, while he was securing his own laurels, as a more experienced general would have done, the brave Stoffel thought of nothing but completing bis enterprise, and utterly driving the Yankees from the island. This hardy enterprise he performed in much the same manner as he had been accustomed to drive his oxen ; for as the Yankees fled before him, he pulled up his breeches and trudged steadily after them, and would infallibly have driven them into the sea, had they not begged for quarter, and agreed to pay tribute.'
The news of this achievement was a seasonable restorative to the spirits of the citizens of New-Amsterdam. To gratify them still more, the governor resolved to astonish them with one of those gorgeous spectacles known in the days of classic antiquity, a full account of which had been flogged into his memory, when a school-boy at the Hague. A grand triumph, therefore, was decreed to Stoffel Brinkerhoff, who made his triumphant entrance into town riding on a Narraganset pacer ;? five pumpkins, which, like Roman eagles, had served the enemy for standards, were carried before him-fifty cart loads of oysters, five hundred bushels of Weathersfield onions, a hundred quintals of codfish, two hogsheads of molasses, and vari. ous other treasures, were exhibited as the spoils and tribute of the Yankees; while three notorious counterfeiters of Manhattan notes were led captive, to grace the hero's triumph. The procession was enlivened by martial music from the trumpet of Antony Van Corlear, the champion, accompanied by a select band of boys and negroes performing on the national instruments of rattle-bones and clam-shells. The citizens devoured the spoils in sheer gladness of heart—every man did honor to the conqueror, by getting devoutly drunk on NewEngland rum—and the learned Wilhelmus Kieft, calling to
1 The Dutch maintained their claim to country in Rhode Island were well known Long Island, which is the reason that it is in the beginning of the century. They now a part of New York,
seem to have been commonly trained to 2 The horses from the Narragansett pace.