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THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF TRISTRAM SHANDY.

to my mother, of none to my father, as a mark in Slawkenbergius. Slawkenbergius, in every page of him, was a rich treasury of inexhaustible knowledge to my father;-he could not open him amiss; and he would often say, in closing the book, that if all the arts and sciences in the world, with the books which treated of them, were lost should the wisdom and policies of governments, he would say, through disuse, ever happen to be forgot, and all that statesmen had wrote, or caused to be written, upon the strong or the weak sides of courts and kingdoms, should they be forgot also, and Slawkenbergius only left, there would be enough in him, in all conscience, he would say, to set the world a-going again. A treasure, therefore, was he indeed! an institute of all that was necessary to be known of noses, and every thing else.-At matin, noon, and vespers, was Hafen Slawkenbergius his recreation and delight;-'twas for ever in his hands;-you would have sworn, sir, it had been a canon's prayer-book, so worn, so glazed, so contrited and attrited was it with fingers and with thumbs, in all its parts, from one end even unto the other.

I am not such a bigot to Slawkenbergius, as my father :-there is a fund in him, no doubt; but, in my opinion, the best, I don't say the most profitable, but the most amusing part of Hafen Slawkenbergius, is his Tales; and, considering he was a German, many of them told not without fancy.-These take up his second book, containing nearly one half of his folio, and are comprehended in ten decades; each decade containing ten tales.-Philosophy is not built upon tales; and, therefore, 'twas certainly wrong in Slawkenbergius to send them into the world by that name.-There are a few of them in his eighth, ninth, and tenth decades, which, I own, seem rather playful and sportive than speculative;-but, in general, they are to be looked upon by the learned as a detail of so many independent facts, all of them turning round, somehow or other, upon the main hinges of his subject, and collected by him with great fidelity, and added to his work as so many illustrations upon the doctrines of noses.

As we have leisure enough upon our hands, if you give me leave, madam, I'll tell you the ninth tale of his tenth decade.

THE

LIFE AND OPINIONS

OF

TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT.

Multitudinis imperitæ non formido judicia, meis tamen, rogo parcant opusculis—in quibus fuit propositi semper, à jocis ad seria, in seriis vicissim ad jocos transire.

VOL. V.

VOL. IV. ORIG. EDIT.

JOAN. SARESBERIENSIS,
Episcop. Lugdun.

F

THE

LIFE AND OPINIONS

OF

TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT.

SLAWKENBERGII FABELLA. *

VESPERA quâdam frigidulâ, posteriori in parte mensis Augusti, peregrinus, mulo fusco colore insidens, manticâ a tergo, paucis indusiis, binis calceis, braccisque sericis coccineis repleta Argentoratum ingressus est.

Militi eum percontanti, quum portus intraret, dixit, se apud Nasorum promontorium fuisse, Francofurtum proficisci, et Argentoratum, transitu ad fines Sarmatiæ mensis intervallo, rever

surum.

Miles peregrini in faciem suspexit :- -ᎠᎥ boni, nova forma nasi!

At multum mihi profuit, inquit peregrinus, carpum_amento extrahens, è quo pependit acinaces: Loculo manum inseruit; et magnâ cum urbanitate, pilei parte anteriore tactâ manu sinistrâ, ut extendit dextram, militi florinum dedit et processit.

Dolet mihi, ait miles, tympanistam nanum et valgum alloquens, virum adeo urbanum vaginam perdidisse: itinerari haud poterit nudâ acinaci; neque vaginam toto Argentorato, habilem inveniet. Nullam unquam habui, respondit peregrinus respiciens-seque comiter inclinans-hoc more gesto, nudam acinacem elevans, mulo lentè progrediente, ut nasum tueri possim,

SLAWKENBERGIUS'S TALE.

Ir was one cool refreshing evening, at the close of a very sultry day, in the latter end of the month of August, when a stranger, mounted upon a dark mule, with a small cloak-bag behind him, containing a few shirts, a pair of shoes, and a crimson-satin pair of breeches, entered the town of Strasburg.

He told the sentinel, who questioned him as he entered the gates, that he had been at the Promontory of Noses-was going on to Frankfort and should be back again at Strasburg that day month, in his way to the borders of Crim Tartary.

The sentinel looked up into the stranger's face: -he never saw such a nose in his life!

-I have made a very good venture of it, quoth the stranger ;-so slipping his wrist out of the loop of a black ribbon, to which a short scymitar was hung, he put his hand into his pocket, and with great courtesy touching the fore-part of his cap with his left hand, as he extended his right-he put a florin into the sentinel's hand, and passed on.

It grieves me, said the sentinel, speaking to a little dwarfish bandy-legged drummer, that so courteous a soul should have lost his scabbard

he cannot travel without one to his scymitar, and will not be able to get a scabbard to fit it in all Strasburg.- -I never had one, replied the stranger, looking back to the sentinel, and putting his hand up to his cap as he spoke-I carry it, continued he, thus-holding up his naked scymitar, his mule moving on slowly all the time, on purpose to defend my nose.

As Hafen Slawkenbergius de Nasis, is extremely scarce, it may not be unacceptable to the learned reader to see the specimen of a few pages of his original. I will make no reflection upon it, but that his story-telling Latin is much more concise than his philosophic—and, I think, has more of Latinity in it.

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Rem penitus explorabo; prius, enim digito tangam, ait uxor, quam dormivero.

Mulus peregrini gradu lento progressus est, ut unumquodque verbum controversiæ, non tantum inter militem et tympanistam, vérum etiam inter tubicinem et uxorem ejus, audiret.

Nequaquam, ait ille, in muli collum fræna demittens, et manibus ambabus in pectus positis (mulo lentè progrediente) nequaquam ait ille respiciens, non necesse est ut res isthæc dilucidata foret. Minime gentium! meus nasus nunquam tangetur, dum spiritus hos reget artus-Ad quid agendum? ait uxor burgomagistri.

Peregrinus illi non respondit. Votum faciebat tunc temporis Sancto Nicolao; quo facto, in sinum dextram inserens, e quâ negligenter pependit acinaces, lento gradu processit per plateam Argentorati latam quæ ad diversorium templo ex adversum ducit."

Peregrinus mulo descendens stabulo includi, et manticam inferri jussit: quâ apertâ et coccineis sericis femoralibus extractis cum argento

It is well worth it, gentle stranger, replied the sentinel.

Tis not worth a single stiver, said the bandy-legged drummer,-'tis a nose of parch

ment.

As I am a true Catholic-except that it is six times as big-'tis a nose, said the sentinel, like my own.

-I heard it crackle, said the drummer.
By dunder, said the sentinel, I saw it bleed.

What a pity, cried the bandy-legged drummer, we did not both touch it!'

At the very time that this dispute was maintaining by the sentinel and the drummer,—was the same point debating betwixt a trumpeter and a trumpeter's wife, who were just then coming up, and had stopped to see the stranger pass by.

Benedicite!What a nose! 'tis as long, said the trumpeter's wife, as a trumpet.

And of the same metal, said the trumpeter, as you hear by its sneezing.

'Tis as soft as a flute, said she.

'Tis brass, said the trumpeter. —'Tis a pudding's end, said his wife.

I tell thee again, said the trumpeter, 'tis a brazen nose.

I'll know the bottom of it, said the trumpeter's wife, for I will touch it with my finger before I sleep.

The stranger's mule moved on at so slow a rate that he heard every word of the dispute, not only betwixt the sentinel and the drummer, but betwixt the trumpeter and the trumpeter's wife.

No! said he, dropping his reins upon his mule's neck, and laying both his hands upon his breast, the one over the other in a saint-like position (his mule going on easily all the time) No! said he, looking up,-I am not such a debtor to the world,-slandered and disappointed as I have been,—as to give it that conviction:no! said he, my nose shall never be touched whilst Heaven gives me strengthTo do what? said a burgomaster's wife.

The stranger took no notice of the burgomaster's wife; he was making a vow to Saint Nicholas; which done, having uncrossed his arms with the same solemnity with which he crossed them, he took up the reins of his bridle with. his left hand, and putting his right hand into his bosom, with his scymitar hanging loosely to the wrist of it, he rode on as slowly as one foot of the mule could follow another, through the principal streets of Strasburg, till chance brought him to the great inn in the market-place, overagainst the church.

The moment the stranger alighted, he ordered his mule to be led into the stable, and his cloakbag to be brought in; then opening, and taking

laciniato ПEpiquaurè, his sese induit, statimque, acinaci in manu, ad forum deambulavit.

Quod ubi peregrinus esset ingressus, uxorem tubicinis obviam euntem aspicit; illico cursum flectit, metuens ne nasus suus exploraretur, atque ad diversorium regressus est-exuit se vestibus; braccas coccineas sericas manticæ imposuit mulumque educi jussit.

Francofurtum proficiscor, ait ille, et Argentoratum quatuor abhinc hebdomadis revertar.

Bene curasti hoc jumentum (ait) muli faciem manu demulcens-me, manticamque meam, plus sexcentis mille passibus portavit.

Longa via est! respondit hospes, nisi plurimum esset negotii.-Enimvero, ait peregrinus, a Nasorum promontorio redivi, et nasum speciosissimum, egregiosissimumque quem unquam quisquam sortitus est, acquisivi.

Dum peregrinus hanc miram rationem de se ipso reddit, hospes et uxor ejus, oculis intentis, peregrini nasum contemplantur- -Per sanctos sanctasque omnes, ait hospitis uxor, nasis duodecim maximis in toto Argentorato major est! -est ne, ait illa mariti in aurem insusurrans, nonne est nasus prægrandis?

Dolus inest, anime mi, ait hospes-nasus est falsus.

Verus est, respondit uxor.

Ex abiete factus est, ait ille, terebinthinum olet.

Carbunculus inest, ait uxor.

Mortuus est nasus, respondit hospes.

Vivus est ait illa,-et si ipsa vivam tangam.

Votum feci Sancto Nicholao, ait peregrinus, nasum meum intactum fore usque ad-Quodnam tempus? illico respondit illa.

Minimè tangetur, inquit ille (manibus in pectus compositis) usque ad illam horam. Quam horam? ait illa- -Nullam, respondit peregrinus, donec pervenio ad-Quem locum,obsecro? ait illa-Peregrinus nil respondens mulo conscenso discessit.

out of it his crimson-satin breeches, with a silver-fringed (appendage to them, which I dare not translate)-he put his breeches, with his fringed cod-piece on, and forthwith, with his short scymitar in his hand, walked out to the grand parade.

The stranger had just taken three turns upon the parade, when he perceived the trumpeter's wife at the opposite side of it;-so, turning short, in pain lest his nose should be attempted, he instantly went back to his inn,-undressed himself, packed up his crimson-satin breeches, &c. in his cloak-bag, and called for his mule.

I am going forwards, said the stranger, for Frankfort, and shall be back at Strasburg this day month.

I hope, continued the stranger, stroking down the face of his mule with his left hand as he was going to mount it, that you have been kind to this faithful slave of mine,-it has carried me and my cloak-bag, continued he, tapping the mule's back, above six hundred leagues.

'Tis a long journey, sir, replied the master of the inn-unless a man has great business. -Tut! tut! said the stranger, I have been at the Promontory of Noses; and have got me one of the goodliest and jolliest, thank Heaven, that ever fell to a single man's lot.

Whilst the stranger was giving this odd account of himself, the master of the inn, and his wife, kept both their eyes fixed full upon the stranger's nose.- -By Saint Radagunda, said the inn-keeper's wife to herself, there is more of it than in any dozen of the largest noses put together in all Strasburg! Is it not, said she, whispering her husband in his ear, is it not a noble nose?

'Tis an imposture, my dear, said the master of the inn ;-'tis a false nose.

"Tis a true nose, said his wife.

'Tis made of fir-tree, said he; I smell the turpentine.

There's a pimple on it, said she.

'Tis a dead nose, replied the inn-keeper. 'Tis a live nose, and if I am alive myself, said the inn-keeper's wife, I will touch it.

I have made a vow to Saint Nicholas this day, said the stranger, that my nose shall not be touched till- -Here the stranger, suspending his voice, looked up.-Till when? said she, hastily.

It never shall be touched, said he, clasping his hands and bringing them close to his breast, till that hour-What hour? cried the innkeeper's wife.- Never!-never! said the stranger, never, till I am got-For Heaven's sake, into what place? said she.-The stranger rode away without saying a word.

The stranger had not got half a league on his way towards Frankfort, before all the city of Strasburg was in an uproar about his nose. The Compline bells were just ringing to call

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