O Lobb, what idioms can exprefs
Thy ftrange confufion and diftrefs,
When on the floor the drawers difplay'd
The fulfome fecret had bewray'd?
No traitor, when his hand and feal
Produc'd his dark defigns reveal,
E'er look'd with fuch'a hanging face,
As Lobb, half dead at this difgrace.
Wild-ftaring, thunder-ftruck, and dumb,
While peals of laughter shake the room;
Each fafh thrown up to let in air,
The knight fell backward in his chair,
Laugh'd till his heart-strings almost break,
The chaplain giggled for a week;
Her ladyship began to call,
For hartfhorn, and her Abigail;
The fervants chuckled at the door,
And all was clamour and uproar.
Rover, who now began to quake,
As confcious of his foul mistake,
Trufts to his heels to fave his life;
The fquire fneaks home, and beats his wife.

THE INQUISITIVE BRIDEGROOM:

A TALE.

TRANK PLUME, a fpark about the town,
Now weary of intriguing grown,

Thought it adviseable to wed,
And chufe a partner of his bed,
Virtuous and chafte-Aye, right, but where
Is there a nymph that's chafte as fair?
A bleffing to be priz'd, but rare.
For continence penurious heaven
With a too fparing hand has given;
A plant but feldom to be found,
And thrives but ill on British ground.
Should our adventurer hafte on board,
And fee what foreign foils afford?
Where watchful dragons guard the prize,
And jealous dons have Argus' eyes,
Where the rich cafket, clofe immur'd,
Is under lock and key fecur'd?
NoFrank, by long experience wife,
Had known thefe forts took by furprize.
Nature in spite of art prevail'd,
And all their vigilance had fail'd.
The youth was puzzled-fhould he go
And fcale a convent? would that do?
Is nuns-fich always good and fweet?
Fly-blown fometimes, not fit to eat.
Well-he refolves to do his best,
And prudently contrives this ceft;
If the laft favour I obtain,

And the nymph yield, the cafe is plain:
Marry'd, she'll play the fame odd prank
With others-fhe's no wife for frank.
But, could I find a female heart
Impregnable to force or art,
That all my baticries could withstand,
The fap, and even fword in hand:
Ye Gods! how happy fhould I be,
Trom each perplexing thought fet free,
From cuckoldom, and jealousy !

The project pleas'd. He now appears,
And fhines in all his killing airs,
And every ufeful toy prepares,

New opera tunes, and billet-doux.
The clouded cane, and red-heel'd shoes;
Nor the clock ftocking was forgot,
Th' embroider d coat, and fhoulder-knot:
All that a woman's heart might move,
The potent trumpery of love.
Here importunity prevails,
There tears in floods, or fighs in gales.
Now, in the lucky moment try'd,
Low at his feet the fair-one dy'd,
For Strephon would not be deny'd.
Then, if no motives could perfuade,
A golden fhower debauch'd the maid,
The mistress truckled, and obey'd.
To modefty a fham pretence
Gain'd fome, others impertinence ;
But moft, plain downright impudence.
Like Cæfar, now he conquer'd all,
The vaffal fex before him fall;
Where'er he march'd, flaughter eníued,
He came, he faw, and he fubdued.
At length a stubborn nymph he found,
For bold Camilla ftood her ground;
Parry'd his thrufts with equal art.
And had him both in tierce and quart:
She kept the hero ftill in play,
And fill maintain'd the doubtful day.
Here he refolves to make a stand,
Take her, and marry out of hand.
The jolly priest soon ty'd the knot,
The lufcions tale was not forgot,
Then empty'd both his pipe and pot.
The poffet drunk, the flocking thrown,
The candles out, the curtains drawn,

And fir and madam all alone;

My dear," faid he, "1ftrove, you know, "To tafte the joys you now bestow,

"All my perfuafive arts I try'd, "But ftill relentless you deny'd;

Tell me, inexorable fair,

"How could you, thus attack'd, forbear?” "Swear to forgive what's paft," the cry'd; "The naked truth fhan't be deny'd." He did; the baggage thus reply'd : Deceiv'd fo many times before By your falfe fex, I rafhly fwore, To truft deceitful man no more.

But, fir-1 thank you for your love, "And by your lectures would improve: "Yet give me leave to fay, the street "For conference is not fo meet.

"Here in this room-nay, fir, come inExpofe, chastise me for my fin;

Exert each trope, your utmost art,

"To touch this fenfelefs, flinty heart.
I'm confcious of my guilt, 'tis true,
"But yet I know my frailty too;
"A flight rebuke will never do.

Urge home my fault-come in, I pray— "Let not my foul be cast away."

Wife Ebony, who deem'd it good, T'encourage by all means he could These first appearances of grace, Follow'd up ftairs, and took his place. The bottle and the cruft appear'd,

And wily Tom demurely fneer'd.

My duty, fir!"—" Thank you, kind Tom!"

Again, an't please you!"

Come

Thank you!

"Sorrow is dry-I must once more—”

"Nay Tom, I told you at the door

"I would not drink-what! before dinner?

"Not one glafs more, as I'm a finner

Come, to the point in hand; is 't fit

"A man of your good fenfe and wit

Joy kindling in his ruddy cheeks, Thus the indulgent godhead speaks: "Frail mortals know, Reafon in vain

Rebels, and would difturb my reign. "See there the fophiiter o'erthrown, "With stronger arguments knock'd down "Than e'er in wrangling fchools were known! "The wine that sparkles in this glats "Smooths every brow, gilds every face: "As vapours when the fun appears, "Far hence anxieties and fears:

"Grave ermine fmiles, lawn fleeves grow gay,
"Each haughty monarch owns my fway,
"And cardinals and popes obey:

"Ev'n Cato drank his glafs, 'twas I
"Taught the brave Cato how to die
"For injur'd Rome and Liberty;
"'Twas I who with immortal lays
"Infpir'd the bard that fung his praife.
"Let dull unfociable fools

"Loll in their cells, and live by rules;
"My votaries, in gay delight
"And mirth, fhall revel all the night;
"Act well their parts on life's dull stage,
"And make each moment worth an age.”

THE NIGHT-WALKER RECLAIM'D:

A TALE.

N thofe bleft days of jubilee,

When pious Charles fet England free From canting and hypocrify;

drown,

"A butt to all the fots in town?

46

Why tell me, Tom-What fort can stand (Though regular, and bravely mann'd) "If night and day the fierce foe plies "With never-ceafing batteries;

"Will there not be a breach at last ?"

46

Uncle, 'tis true-forgive what's past." "But if nor intereft, nor fame,

"Nor health, can your dull foul reclaim, "Haft not a confcience, man? no thought "Of an hereafter? dear are bought “These sensual pleasures.”—“ I relent, "Kind fir-but give your zeal a ventThen, pouting, hung his head: yet still Took care his uncle's glafs to fill, Which as his hurry'd fpirits funk, Unwittingly, good man, he drunk. Each pint, alas! drew on the next, Old Ebony ftuck to his text, Grown warm, like any angel fpoke, Till intervening hickups broke The well-ftrung argument, Was now too forward to reel home. That preaching ftill, this ftill repenting, Both equally to drink confenting,

Poor Tom

Till both brimfull could fwill no more, And fell dead drunk upon the floor.

Bacchus, the jolly God, who fate Wide-straddling o'er his tun in state, Clofe by the window fide, from whence He heard this weighty conference; VOL. V.

Clean-fhap'd, well-limb'd, black-ey'd and tall,
Made a good figure at a ball,
And only wanted wherewithal.
His penfion was ill-paid and ftrait,
Full many a loyal hero's fate:
Often half-ftarv'd, and often out
At elbows, an hard cafe, no doubt.
Sometimes perhaps a lucky main
Prudently manag'd in Long Lane
Repair'd the thread-bare beau again;
And now and then fome fecret favours,
The kind returns of pious labours,
Enrich'd the ftrong and vigorous layer,
His honour liv'd a while in clover.
For to fay truth) it is but just,
Where all things are decay'd but luft,
That ladies of maturer ages
Give citron-water and good wages.

Thus far Tom Wild had made a shift,
And got good helps at a dead litt;
But John, his humble meagre flave,
One foot already in the grave,
Hide-bound as one of Pharaoh's kine,
With good Duke Numps was for'd to dine:
Yet ftill the thoughtful serious elf
Would not be wanting to himself;

Bore up against both tide and wind,
Turn'd every project in his mind,
And each expedient weigh'd, to find
A remedy in this diftrefs.

Some God- nay, fir, fuppofe no lefs,
For in this hard and k orty cafe,
T employ a God is no digrace;
Though Mercury be fent from Jove,
Or Iris wing it from above,
Some God, I fay, in ir'd the knave,
His n after and bimfelf to fave.

As both went fupperiefs to bed One night first feratching of his head) "Alas!" quoth John, "fir, 'tis hard fare "To fuck one's thumbs, and live on air; "To reel from pillar unto post, "An empty fhade, a walking ghost; "To hear one's guts make piteous moan, "Thofe worst of duns, and yet not one, "One mouldy fcrap to fatisfy "Their craving importunity. "Nay-Good your honer please to hear" (And then the varlet dropt a tear)

A project form'd in this dull brain, "Shall let us all adrift again; "A project, fir, nay, let me tell ye, "Shall fill your pockets, and my belly. "Know then, old Gripe is dead of late, "Who purchas'd at an easy rate, "Your manfion-house and fine eftate. "Nay, ftare not, fir: by G

tis true

"The devil for once has got his due:

"The rafcal has left every penny,
"To his old maiden filter Jenny:
"Go, clafp the dowdy n your arms,

"Nor want your bread, though the want charms :
"Cajole the dirty drab, and then
"The man fhall have his mare again;
"Clod-Hall is yours your houfe, your rents,
"And all your lands, and tenements."

"Faith, John," faid he, then lick'd his chops) "This project gives indeed fome hopes: "But curled hard the terms, to marry, "To ftick to one, and never vary; "And that one old and ugly too : "Frail mortals, tell me what to do?" "For that," faid John, truil me; my treat Shan't be one ill-refs'd difh of meat; "Let but your honour be my guest, "Variety thall crown the east."

Shall let the courteous reader guess
The fquire's accoutrements and drefs.
Suppofe we then the gentle youth
Laid at her feet, all love, all truth;
Haranguing it in verfe and profe,

mount her forehead white with fnows,
Her cheeks the ily and the rofe;
Her ivory teeth, her coral lips,
Her well-turned ears, whofe ruby tips
Afford a thousand compliments,
Which he, fond youth, profufely vents:
The pretty dimple in her chin,
The den of Love, who lurks within.
But, oh! the luftre of her eyes,
Nor ftars, nor moon, nor fun fuffice,
He vows, protests, raves, links, and dies.
Much of her breafts he spoke, and hair,
In terms most elegant and rare ;
Call'd her the goddess he ador'd,
And in heroic fuftian foar'd.

For though the youth could well explain
His mind in a more humble ftrain;
Yet Ovid and the wits agree,
That a true lover's speech fhould be
In rapture and in fimile
Imagine now, all points put right,
The fiddles and the wedding-night;
Each noify steeple rock'd with glee,
And every bard fung merrily:

Gay pleasure wanton'd unconfin'd,
The men all drunk, the women kind :
Clod-Hall did ne'er fo fine appear,
Floating in poffet and ftrong beer.

Come, Mufe, thou flattern house wife, tell, Where's our friend John? I hope he's well; Well! Ay, as any man can be,

With Sufan in the gallery.
Sue was a lafs buxom and tight,
The chamber-maid and favourite;
Juicy and young juft fit for man,
hus the fweet dialogue began.

"Lard, Sir," quoth Sue," how brisk, how ga How fpruce our mafter look'd to-day! I'm fure no king was e'er fo fine, "No fun more gloriously can fhiuc." Alas. my dear, all is not gold "That glifters, as I've read of old, And all the wife and learned fay. "The best is not without allay."

66

"Well, Mafter John, name if you can "A more accomplish'd gentleman. "Befide elle may I never thrive)

The best good-natur'd fquire alive." John fhrugg'd and fhook his head.) "You by your looking fo demure "Have learnt fome fecret fault; if so, "Tell me, good John, nay pr'ythee do, "Tell me, I fay, long to know. "Safe as thy gold in thy ftrong box, This breaft the dark depofit locks, "Thefe lips no fecrets fhall reveal." "Well-let me firft affix my feal:

hen kifs'd the foft obliging fair. "But hold-now I must hear you swear,

Nay fore

"B

Opiates, and breathing of a vein, "Scarce fettle his diftemper'd brain, "And bring him to himself again.

16

But, if not crofs'd, if let alone

"To take his frolick, and be gone;
"Soon he returns from whence he came,
"No lamb more innocent and tame."

Thus having gain'd her point, to bed
In hafte the flickering gipfy fled;
The pungent fecret in her breaft
Gave fuch fharp pangs, fhe could not reft:'
Prim'd, charg'd, and cock'd her next defire
Was to prefent, and to give fire.
Sleepless the tortur'd Sufan lay,
Tolling and tumbling every way,
Impatient for the dawn of day.
So labours in the facred fhade,
Full of the God, the Delphic maid:
So wind, in hypocondries pent,
Struggles and heaves to find a vent;
In labyrinths intricate it roars,
Now downward finks, then upward foars;
Th uneafy patient groans in vain,
No cordials can relieve his pain;
Till at the poft rn gate, enlarg d,
The bursting thunder is difcharg'd.
At last the happy hour was come,
When call'd into her lady's room;
Scarce three pins ftuck into her gown
But out it bolts, and all is known.

Nor idle long the fecret lies,
From mouth to mouth improv'd it flies,
And grows amain in ftrength and size:
For Fame, at first of pigmy birth,
Walks cautiously on mother earth;
But foon as ancient bards have faid)
In clouds the giant hides her head.
To council now the gofips went,
Madam herself was prefident;
Th' affair is banded pro and con,
Much breath is fpent, few conquefts won.
At length dame Hobb, to end the ftrife,
And Madam Bloufe the parfon's wife,
In this with one confent agree,
That, fince th' effect was lunacy
If wak'd, it were by much the beft,
Not to disturb him in the leaft:
Ev'n let him ramble if he pleafe;
Troth 'tis a comical difeafe;
The worst is to himfelf: when cold
And shivering he returns, then fold
The vagrant in your arms; he'll reft
With pleasure on your glowing breaft.
Madam approv'd of this advice,
Iffued her orders in a trice:
"That none henceforth prefume to stir,
"Or thwart th' unhappy wanderer."

}

John, when his master's knock he heard, Soon in the dreffing-room appear'd Archiy he look'd, and flity icer'd. "What game?" fays Wild. "Oh! never more, "Pheasants and partridge in great ftore;

"I with your animunition lait !"
And then reveal'd how all had pift.
Next thought it proper to exp ala
nis plot, and how he laid his train:
"The coaft is clea, fir, go in pesce,
"No dragon guards the golden fleece."

Here, Mufe, let fable night advance,
Defcribe her fare with elegance;
Around her dark pav hon spread

The clouds; with poppies crown her head;
Note well her owls, and bats obfcene;
Call her an Ethiopian queen;

Or, if you think 'twill mend my tale,
Call her a widow with a veil;
Or fpc&ters and hobgoblins tell,
or fay twas mi night, 'tis
as well.
We then-twas midnight, was faid,
When Wild ftarts upright in his ued,
Leaps out, and, without more ado,
Takes in his room a turn or two;
Opening the door, foon out he talks,
And to the next apartment walks;
Where on her back there lay poor sue,
Alas! friend John, fhe dreamt of you.
Wak'd with the noife, her matter known,
By moon-light and his brocade &own,
Frighted the dares not cream, in bed
She finks, and down the pops her head;
The curtains gently drawn, he fprings
Between the theets, then clofely clings.
Now, Mufe, relate what there he did;
Hoid, i pudence !—it mull be hia !-
CC 2

He

He did as any man would do
In fuch a cale-Did he not, Sue?
Then up into the garret flies,
Where Joan, and Dol, and Betty lies;
A leath of laffes all together

And in the dog-days-in hot weather;
Why, fa th, 'twas hard-he did his beft,
And left to Providence the rest.
Cont nt the p five creatures lie,
For who in duty could deny?
Was non-refiftance ever thought
By modern cafuifts a fault?
Were not her orders frict and plain?
All fruggling da gerous and vain?
Well, down our younker trips again:
Much wifhing, as he reel'd along,
For fome rich cordial warm and frong.
In bed he quickly tumbled then,
Nor wak' next morn tli after ten.
Thus night by night he led his life,
Ble fling all female ut his wife;
Much work upon his hands there lay,
More bills were drawn than he could pay;
No lawyer drudg'd so hard as he,
In Fafter Form, or Hillary;
But lawyers labour for their fee:
Here no feli-intereft or gain,
The pleafure balances the pain.
So the great fultan walks among
His troop of laffes fair and young:
So the town-bull in Opentide,
His lowing lovers by his fide,
Revels at large in nature's right,
Curb'd by no law, but appetite;
Frifking his tail, he roves at pleasure,
And knows no ftint, and keeps no measure.
But now the ninth revolving moon
(Alas! it came an age too foon ;
Curfe on each hafty fleeting night!)
Some odd difcoveries brought to light.
Strange tympanies the women feize,
An epidemical disease ;

Madam herself with thefe might pafs
For a clean-fhap'd and taper lafs.
'Twas vain to hide th apparent load,
For hoops were not then a la-mode;
Sue, being queftion'd, and hard prefs'd,
Blubbering the naked truth confefs'd:
"Were not your orders moft fevere,
"That none fhould ftop his night-career?
"And who durft wake him? Troth not 1;
"I was not then prepar'd to die.”

"Well Sue, faid fhe, thou fhalt have grace, "But then this night I take thy place, "Thou mize my night-cloaths on thy head, "Soon fhall he leave thee fafe in bed: "Lie ftill, and fir not on thy life, "But do the penance of a wife; "Much pleafure haft thou had; at laft "'Tis proper for thy fins to faft'

This point agreed, to bed fhe went,
And Sue crept in, but ill-content:
Soon as th' accuftom'd hour was come,
The younker fally'd from his room,
To Sue's apartment whipt away,
And like a lion feiz'd his prey;

She clafp'd him in her longing arms,
Sharp fet, fhe feasted on his charms.
He did whate'er he could; but more
Was yet to do, encore, encore !

Fain would he now elope, the claspt
Him itil, no burr e'er ítuck fo faft.
At length the morn with envious light,
Difcovered al: in what fad plight
Poor min, he lay! abath'd, for fhame

e could not fpeak, nor ev'n one lame Fxcufe was left. he, with a grace That gave new beauties to her face; And with a kind obliging air Always fuccefsful in the fair,) Thus foon relie v'd him from defpair. "Ah! generous youth, pardon a fault, "No foolish jealousy has taught;

'Tis your own crime, open as day,

To your conviction paves the way.

1

Oh might this ftratagem regain

Your love! let me not plead in vain ;
Something to gratitude is due,

"Have I not given all to you?"

Tom ftar'd, look'd pale, then in great hafte Slipp'd on his gown; yet thus at last Spoke faintly, as amaz'd he stood, "I will, my dear, be very good."

THE HAPPY DISAPPOINTMENT:

A TALE.

IN days of yore, when belles and beaux
Left masquerades and puppet-shows,
Deferted ombre and baffet,

At Jonathan's to fqueeze and sweat;
When fprightly rakes forfook champaign,
The play-houfe, and the merry main.
Good mother Wyburn and the ftews,
10 fmoke with brokers, stink with Jews,
In fine, when all the world run mad
A ftory not lefs true than fad);
Ned Smart, a virtuous youth, well known
To all this chafte and sober town,
Got every penny he could rally,
To try his fortune in Change- Alley:
In hafte to loll in coach and fix.
Bought bulls and bear, play d twenty tricks,
Amongft his brother lunaticks.
Transported at his first fuccefs,
A thousand whims his fancy blefs,
With fcenes of future happiness.
How frail are all our joys below!
Mere dazzling meteors, flash and show!
Oh, Fortune falfe deceitful whore!
Caught in thy trap with thousands more,
He found his rhino funk and gone,
Himself a bankrupt, and undone. '
Ned could not well digeft this change,
Forc'd in the world at large to range;
With Babel's monarch turn'd to grafs,
Would it not break an heart of biafs?
'Tis vain to fob and hang the lip;
One penny left, he buys a flip
At once his life and cares to lofe,
Under his ear he fits the noose.