QUARE. That's as true as thunder. Col. Crockett told me the story himself, word for word, three weeks before the gunning took

place.

SCHOOLMASTER.

thunder?

Did you ever hear of the Englisher and American

QUARE. Go a-head.

SCHOOLMASTER. This here Englisher was a-travelling in this free country in a Poughkeepsie stage, and he says to a real American native, as was seated opposite, You know,' says he, 'you know hi ham quite tired of this air free country, you know,' says he; nothin' hin hit his has hexcellent has hin Hingland, you know, you know.''It's a size or so larger,' says the real American native. Hi ham not hinduced to hacknowledge that, you know, you know,' says the Englisher.

QUARE. Tarnation!

SCHOOLMASTER. Why, then,' says the real American native, 'you won't acknowledge that we have powerful peculiar water privileges or that the City of the Falls will be the grandest cataract location in the world-or that the City Hall beats all nature-or that Astor's Hotel is the grandest boarding-house in this or any other country-or that Broadway goes a-head of all the streets in the entire of Europe? You know,' says the Englisher, you know hevery harticle his a hundred times more helegant hin Hingland, you know, you know.' Jist at that moment there comes such a great gun of thunder, and such a prairie full of lightning, that the Englisher shut his eyes with fright. There,' says the real American native, 'd-n you, have you any thunder and lightning as elegant as that in England?

ENGLISH SON. All Englishmen don't speak in that way. I am an Englishman by birth, and I don't speak in that way.

AMERICAN SON. But then you've learnt civilisation in America. ENGLISH SON. No; I was born civilized.

AMERICAN SON. But it didn't coine natural until you were naturalized. Thank heaven, I was born an American.

ENGLISH SON. I am an American citizen, if I wasn't born here. Don't be so infernally proud of being a native, don't. Father was born in England, and he is as good, ay better, than you, though you are a native.

GRANNY. Yer granfeyther was the mon-worth all the natives on Long Island.

AMERICAN SON. Where did the grandfather die?

GRANNY. In Barnby Dun, in Yorkshire, on a Thursday night in October, come next month is nineteen years ago, and he was an old man then. I was out of Wiltshire; but there was no harm in marrying a Yorkshireman, or Heaven help me! He fells in the river getting a sup of water, as saying is; for we were going to wash, and I says, 'Get a sup,' says I, that we mayn't want any.' He was just smoking his pipe. I'd give three haypence the day before for hafe an ounce of baccer, and I says to Mrs. Mulauverer, make it as strong baccer as you can,' I says, 'that it may last a bit;' for she war a decentish woman, and would help to save, if she didn't lose much by it. Many's the haypenny she took from me when feyther war aloive. Baccer without end he smoked, and took snuff too, for that matter; burning candle at both ends, as saying is.

AMERICAN SON. What of the grandfather, granny? Come to him.

6

GRANNY. Well, as I war saying, my husband war fetching a sup o' water for the floor, and he goes over head and heels; the bucket come arter, and knock him on forehead. Thinks he, This is either Hull or Liverpool, as saying is.' But he climb up the brink. Poor fellow! it war brink o' grave to him. But he manage to come home, a-growling like a bear with a sore neck, as saying is. Then he took ill, and went to his bed. He had a wambling and sneezing, then he had a mowing and chattering. He war tweezed so, that he puled and went into a quandary, and had the saustion o' nature. The clerical pairson come, and the doctor come, and he war pilified. The night as he died next morning he felt better, but cold where the pills was, and he said to me, I could eat a mouthful,' he says, and I fetch un two sheep heart, and he mumbled and chowed a bit, but it didn't warm un. So he says, Fettle me some fettled por ter,' says he, for he war fond o' fettle; or stay a bit,' says he, 'dont fettle me any fettled porter to-night; but I'll have some warmed ale warmed hot in the warmer.' So I warms un some warm ale in the warmer, and he takes it warm and comfortable, and it warms un till he felt warm all over. And he says, 'I feel warm,' says he; that warm ale has warmed me quite warm,' he says. So he lay down, and kivered hisself with the rug, and talks o' taking old Sal the mare to the farrier, and told me which end o' the field to dig the next taters, till he fell into a woundy doze; but when he woke he war dying, and says, 'Fetch me the leather purse, for I feel I'm going, and the tithe isn't raised yet,' he says. "I'se lost by the composition,' says he; but take all, only don't stress me,' he says; for his interlicks war a woolgathering, and the pairson had snudged un once. And then he turns over, and, without saying, Sal, good by, or waiting for the purse, dies, leaving me a lone widow. And a sorrowful day it war for me, though we must all go to blissful 'ternity some time; and may be my time is as far off as another's, if it comes to that. Rich and poor must all take it in turns, as saying is. QUARE. That's a mighty tough story of yours, granny. As long as one of the patent ever-charged rifles-fire two-and-twenty shots without exhausting the bullets.

6

SPECTATOR. That is a novelty. Major Longbow, however, invented a musket that could shoot round a corner.

QUARE. Did you ever shoot with a funnel-bore? It spreads the shot so, that you can bring down hundreds at one pull. But I'll tell you of a peculiar cheap shot as I had with a single bullet. In at Farmer Spovin's, I see a coop ready to go to Brooklyn, with sevenand-forty ducks in it. So I says to Spovin, 'How much will you charge me for a single shot among that brood with a single bullet, whole, and not split ?- Two dollars,' says Spovin. 'Done!' says I, slick enough. So I took a little bruised corn and strewed it along the trough, and out pops the seven-and-forty heads of the ducks. Then lay down on the ground right away, and taking a perspective horizontal view of the whole regiment sideways, I wish may be tee-totally substaquilated if I didn't carry off the entire whole of the seven-and-forty heads.

AMERICAN SON. That was mortal clever. How the bullet must have bobbed in and out amongst the necks of the critturs.

QUARE. I had a curious winter shot at nineteen rooks as I wanted for a breakfast pie. These here rooks were perched on a piece of zig-zag of Farmer Muggs', close to the location house as they built

when they were scoping out the 'pike for gravel. Nineteen rooks in a line, with their feet all spread flat over the top of the stake. So I slides over the ground, for it was over slithery, and snew powerful, and gets down into the hollow. I calcylated I should not be able to hit the whole nineteen with one bullet, so I aims at the stake, and split it so, that it opened over the whole length on the top, and in fell the feet of the nineteen rooks right into the split, which closed ag'in immediate on the whole of their feet; and I wish I may be amazing disbelieved if I didn't wring the necks of the whole nineteen, for they waited patiently while I come at 'em one by one.

DRY STOREKEEPER. That was considerable of a shot. I made a curious aim once at a livery-button on an Englisher's shoulder. QUARE. What on airth is a livery-button?

DRY STOREKEEPER. Kind of branded button as they know a help by. I said to the Englisher, he ought to be ashamed of himself for wearing such buttons in a free country. His answer wasSCHOOLMASTER. 'D-n your heyes, you know.' DRY STOREKEEPER. No, that wasn't it.

SCHOOLMASTER. I guessed it was. That's what they generally say, I expect.

DRY STOREKEEPER. No; he said it was a club-button of the Royal something bow and arrow club. But we couldn't agree on this here point, and I expect I had to fight him; but he saved his life by stamping his foot.

AMERICAN SON. Go a-head, Uncle Sam! How did he do that, any how?

DRY STOREKEEPER. Why, while I was aiming at one of the buttons on his shoulder, the word hold was given, which was the signal for us to let go. He fired no ways slow, and missed by a mile and a half; and while he was stamping his foot with rage, and swearing in English, my bullet flew over, dodged under his shoulder, and only carried away the smallest leetle piece of cloth. If he hadn't a stamped his foot, I should have carried away the button and a slice off his shoulder.

QUARE. I never shot at a man but once, and then I was hand and glove with him.

so.

SCHOOLMASTER. Then you did it quite tenderly, I guess.

QUARE. Exact; quite tenderly, yet a leetle notion deliberate or

I was out at dirty Pittsburg, and went gunning with a fellow, -kind of lunatic madman-who kept preaching considerable of poetry, Byrom verses, and notions of that make, and then blazed away without caring three cents where I was fixed at the time. I warned him of it over and over, ag'in and ag'in; but what's the use of speaking grammar to a dead horse? At last I was considerable of exasperate, and the steam was up on the high-pressure principle, when I wish I may be spiflicated if he didn't fire and hit me. One of the shot grazed my hand and drew blood. 'Oh, oh!' says I; 'am I in the military or not? Shall I captainise over my troop one day, and put up with such a 'tarnal confounded insult as this the day after? No ways you can fix it,' says I. That shot must call for blood, and the tip of your finger at least.' So I hollars out, kind of smart, Where air you, Major - Here I am,' says the Major.-'Can't see you,' says I, 'for the immortal heart of me, and the smoke of that pea-shooter of yours. Hold up your hand, and let me see what 42

VOL. V.

part of the fuz-bushes you stand upright in.' Well, up pops a hand over the young saplings, fuzes, and under-plants, and I, no ways slow, took a tender aim, and carried away the foremost end of his little finger, together with a piece of his glove. 'There,' says I, 'that's what I call a slip for a slap, and no love lost : hand and glove friends, and no mistake.'

DRY STOREKEEPER. Was it that shot of his that made such a number of holes in your hat?

QUARE. Don't spurt out any insinuating remarks on my hat. These holes were made the last gunning frolic. I took a bet of two dollars to a fip that I'd poke seventeen leetle shot into this hat blindfold, and I won it.

DRY STOREKEEPER. Won two dollars, and ruinated a hat worth five dollars!

QUARE. When I was blindfold I says to myself—

SCHOOLMASTER. You won two dollars on the circumbendibus, or endless-rope principle.

QUARE. I says, 'There's no bar to my feeling where that hat is.' So I considers minutely, and finds it.

DRY STOREKEEPER. They only quizzed you when they blindfolded you; you were blind enough before.

QUARE. So when I found the hat, I says, 'There's no bar in the wager to my shooting right away. Nothing was said about dis

tance.'

DRY STOREKEEPER. You were so tarnal cute, that you yourself.

overreached

QUARE. Then I blazed away, and wins the two dollars.

DRY STOREKEEPER. And lost three dollars' worth of beaver.

QUARE. It isn't beaver, it's rabbit fur. I call it now the patent ventilating skull-cap. When I'm seized with absence of mind, these holes let in the rain, and tell me when to put up my umbrella. But it is time for me to be getting back to Jericho.

AMERICAN SON. How is that wonderful cat of yours? Has he caught any more fish with diving?

QUARE. No. He has got so tarnal fat, he can't sink in the water, even with a plumber's lead in his mouth. But I'll tell you of a real clever trick he played some rats the other day. We have an awful congregation of double-bodied rats on our farm-large elephant-rats, about half a dozen to the hundred-weight-kind of wholesale blubberskins. These devils are so fond of rum, that if you lay out a gallon or two by accident over night, it is all gone in the morning. My wife says she has seen 'em stand forty or fifty round a cask, dip their tails into the spirits, and then spoon it off with their mouths, as natural as Christians. Well, this here cat of mine, as I call the Brigadier General, one night, wishing to catch a few rats, tempts 'em by dipping his tail into some rum, and then lay down before a fire quite stiff, as if he were dead. Along come the rats, whee wheek, cautiously, cautiously, and thinking the cat dead, attack the Brigadier General's tail, for the sake of the rum. Four of the varmint had laid hold with all their might, a eating of the tail, and adrinking of the rum, when this here cat whips his tail into the air with such a powerful spring, that the whole four elephant-rats were pitched a yard and a half into the fire, and no mistake. I wouldn't take five dollars for the Brigadier General. He is the most scientific and talented cat in these parts.

JOURNAL OF OLD BARNES, THE PANTALOON,

ON A TRIP TO PARIS IN 1830.

'As we passed by the market-place of Boulogne I saw the three grey Bath cloaks, with pink linings, being hawked for sale by Sofie's friend. That was the French mode of "doing their duty ;" and I had not been long in the dilly before I discovered-a trump card-a love -oh! he was worth any money, both on the journey, and afterwards in Paris.

'He was a young clerk-looking man, with straight sandy hair, pale face, serious aspect, and was employed writing remarks and notes in a little" washing-book." I say so, because on casting my sharpeye across it I read, "2 shirts, 8d.; 1 pock. hand. 1d; 2 pr. stockgs. 2d.; 3 collars, 3d.; owing last week, 2s. 8d. ;" with a continuation in pencil, should the following journal obtain that favour which some may think due as supplying evidence that the writer has not been altogether a careless, incurious, or indifferent observer of foreign or continental scenes."

66

'This was all I could catch for the present. He, however, after. wards scribbled in a plain hand, these lines :- "The intention of the following pages is to furnish a brief account of the journey and visit to Paris, interspersed with a few opinions and incidental remarks elicited by those new and striking scenes which during his sojourn in the capital of France the writer witnessed."

'Resolved to watch this sweet youth, and, if possible, to ingratiate myself with him, for fun-pour passer le temps, as I found on looking into my dictionary.

'Monsieur, our manager, began to calculate that he had paid four francs for each person at dinner, besides the garçons (not dumb waiters ;) and he also thought that sitting down with such a motley set was not quite the thing, and was more than he intended or expected. In short, though he had agreed to pay their travelling expenses, he had no idea that Seymour and Rolandson would have presumed to intrude themselves at the same table with him. The two worthy carpenters kept on a half-intelligible conversation, in which oaths and other imprecations predominated; on the utterance of which our pale, serious fellow-traveller, the journalist, winced, and looked at them with an eye of indignant pity, which was only returned by Seymour looking in return,and applying his finger to his nose, and shaking the remaining digits, as he had frequently seen Joe Grimaldi do to a pantomime character that had threatened him. The journalist referred, somewhat embarrassed, again to his "washing book." He then wrote a description in it. I pretended to be asleep; but peeped as he went on. It ran thus:-" The head-dress of the women in particular attracted my notice, and arrested my observation from its peculiar singularity. The individual native female I noticed wore no bonnet; but in lieu of it a large linen cap, of a conical shape, and expansive magnitude, with huge flaps hanging down each side her face, extending laterally, and diverging longitudinally from the cheek-bone beyond the back of the head, and perpendicularly in height above the pericranium a foot; and downwards, in depth, as low as the shoulders."

"Go it, my pippin!" thought I to myself. "The journal will be