whose formation of spine was remarkably crooked,-he said, "Pray, madam, did you come straight from Germany?"

Tom C― was eating oysters; he took one into his mouth that was not quite fresh, but not liking to eject it, he resolved to swallow it. On taking another in its shell, a bystander remarked, "Tom, that is a fine native." C said, "I'm mighty glad of it; for the last was a settler."

Charles Lamb was very fond of a rubber of whist. He sat down one night at the house of a friend, to which Elliston had also been invited. Elliston arrived late, had evidently taken too much wine, and was, as usual on such an occasion, extremely grand. It chanced, in cutting, that Lamb and Elliston became partners. Elliston's play was, under the circumstances, of course very bad, which, joined to his affected hauteur, raised the ire of Lamb, who at the end of a game suddenly exclaimed, in his stuttering manner, “If dirt was trumps, what fine hands you would have, Mr. Elliston."

OPENING OF A MELO-DRAMA.

GASPER. The morn is breaking.

NICHOLAS. Let it break and be d-d! It owes me nothing.

On the English translation of the card of a French inn, between Boulogne and Abbeville, these words are printed, “The wines are of that quality, they will leave you nothing to hope for."

Miss B (the Danseuse and Columbine) was married to a Mr. S. My friend Barnaby inquired the profession of Mr. S—, and was informed that he was an eminent butcher. "That accounts for it," said Barnaby; "he fell in love with her calf."

An Irish captain, on hearing that the lady of a brother officer had been giving herself some airs, said with naïveté, "Och, Brownlow wants only a little resolution. I never will allow my wife to wear the petticoats."

It has been remarked, that there is no man of talent without a certain portion of eccentricity; and it frequently occurs, that the higher the grade of talent, the more outré is the species of eccentricity. Where was there a stranger being than Richard Brinsley Sheridan ? Dr. Johnson had his whims, Dean Swift his peculiar oddities; but the present anecdote relates to a renowned person in the histrionic art, John Philip Kemble.

Mr. Kemble had been dining with a noble duke of high convivial habits, and on this particular occasion the libations to Bacchus were so frequent, and of so long a continuance, that the party did not wend homewards until four o'clock in the morning.

At a quarter past four Mr. Kemble (who insisted on walking) found himself alone in the Strand, opposite Exeter 'Change, in the upper apartments of which was exhibited the managerie of the celebrated Polito. The "matins" roar of a lion called forth Mr. Kemble's attention; he paused-and, with the fumes of the wine floating on

his brain, he was seized at the moment with a most peculiar whim, and uttered to himself,

"To be, or not to be, that is the question."

"It shall be!-no man ever attempted it. In any book of natural history-nay, in all the voyages and travels I ever perused, no man ever did it. I—I will do it !—the world shall say, alone I did it. I WILL HAVE A RIDE ON A RHINOCEROS!" He here took a pinch of snuff, and exclaimed, "what ho! Exeter 'Change! Nobody stirring?" He then made a staggering effort to pull the bell. After he had rung the bell several times with tipsy vehemence, one of the keepers of the wild beasts, who slept in their apartment as a sort of groom of the chamber, made his appearance in an ancient beef-eater's dress, and a Welsh wig.

KEMBLE. Sir, are you Mr. Polito?

KEEPER. No, sir. Master's a-bed, and asleep.
KEMBLE. You must wake him, good fellow.

KEEPER. I daren't, sir, unless it's wery pertikler.

KEMBLE. Next time say "very particular." Hark you, it is very particular. You have up stairs, if I remember rightly, an animal denominated a rhinoceros.

KEEPER. We've got a rhinoceros, and a fine feller she is.

KEMBLE. Introduce me to him. You object? Go call Mr. Polito, your very noble and approved good master.

I

On the arrival of Mr. Polito, Kemble addressed him. "Mr. Polito, presume ?" Polito bowed.

KEMBLE. You know me, I suppose ?

POLITO. Very well, sir. You are Mr. Kemble, of Drury Lane Theatre.

KEMBLE. Right, good Polito! Sir, I am seized with an unaccountable, an uncontrollable fancy. You have a rhinoceros ?

POLITO. Yes, sir.

KEMBLE. My desire is to have a ride upon his back.

POLITO. Mr. Kemble, you astonish me!

KEMBLE. (elated). I mean to astonish the whole world. I intend to ride your rhinoceros up Southampton Street to Covent Garden Market.

POLITO. It is next to an impossibility, Mr. Kemble.

KEMBLE. Talk not to me of impossibility. Were it an impossibility, I would do it.

POLITO. Suppose any accident should happen-the beast is valuable. I would not permit him to be led down into the street under the sum of ten guineas.

KEMBLE. Here are ten guineas, Mr. Polito-a bargain. Lead forth my charger-Speed! speed!

Polito finding that he could not get rid of the extraordinary application, pocketed the ten guineas, and told the keeper, (who was on intimate terms with the rhinoceros,) to bring the animal out, with the proviso that it was to go no further than Covent Garden. When in the street, ridiculous as it may appear, the grave John Kemble actually mounted on the back of the beast, who hardly knew what to make of it, but, led in a strap by its feeder, went quietly

enough, until Mr. Kemble, highly elated by the achievement of his whim, thought it necessary to spur with his heels.

KEEPER. Gently, sir. Let vel alone. This is rayther a crusty buffer; if you makes him unruly he'll pitch you off, and rip you

up.

KEMBLE. Rip me up! Ha! ha! ha! What would they do at Drury?

It was daylight; and, of course, a mob was collected from Covent Garden market. At this moment Emery, who was also returning from a late party, saw the extraordinary cavalcade. Emery, somewhat startled at the situation of Mr. Kemble, went up to him.

KEMBLE. Ah! Emery, how are you?

EMERY. Pretty well, thank ye, sur. Why, bless my heart, sur, let me give you a hand off that what-d'ye-call-'em-brute. KEMBLE. It is a rhinoceros, Emery.

EMERY. Lauk, sur! pray come down.

KEMBLE. Not until I have reached my goal.

"By Goles!" exclaimed Emery, as he walked by his side to the top of Southampton Street, when Kemble deliberately dismounted, gave a crown to the keeper, patted the rhinoceros, saying, "Farewell, poor beast!" and, holding Emery's arm, uttered, "Mr. Emery, I have, doubtless, committed a very silly action; but, after imbibing a certain quantity of wine, no man's deeds are under control; but, nevertheless, I have done that which no living being can say he ever accomplished.

'What man dare, I dare.

Approach thou like the rugged Russian bear,
The arm'd rhinoceros-

"Bless my soul, I am getting on the rhinoceros again. Mr. Emery, will you have the goodness to see me as far as Great Russell Street, Bloomsbury?"

A friend had in his service a cook that could neither read nor write. One day, coming to his door, he perceived the cook taking in from an itinerant bookvender, some monthly numbers of a work. Curiosity was excited to know what could possibly be the subject of the cook's erudition, so her master carelessly asked her to let him look at the publication. Mary, blushing, said that she wished to improve in her kitchen business, and she had been taking in for nearly three months, in parts, "Cook's Voyages!"

An amateur medical adviser at Boulogne has lately discovered an ingenious method of causing physic to remain on the stomach of a patient. His direction is, that when pills are making up, the chemist is to put a small fish-hook into each pill!

At a pleasant dinner-party, Mrs. Mountain, the vocalist, (who was a very lively person,) asked Mr. David Grove, who had been invited, "Whether he was any relation to the GROVES of Blarney ?" Grove gravely replied that he had but one relation, and that was his brother John.

SMASHING.

A beefsteak club was established in Drury-Lane theatre, and its meetings were held in a temporary apartment, fitted up in the painting room. Mr. John H- was appointed secretary. Amongst the by-laws of this convivial society, a small fine was inflicted on every member who did not pass the bottle in a certain period, and there were other fines for petty offences against the regulations. Hhad the collection of these profits, which were to be applied to a fund for an annual white-bait dinner at Greenwich.

H-, on one particular meeting, was somewhat surprised at the number of fines incurred (particularly from several of the members who were never in the habit of stopping the bottle); in fact, he had that evening collected about three pounds five shillings in silver.

But this was the effect of a waggish conspiracy against the poor little secretary. The manager laid the plan. There were several confederates: and the quiet treasurer supplied the parties with bad half-crowns, shillings and sixpences (which in a number of seasons had been taken at the doors of the theatre, and laid aside). With this base money the fines were, with small exception, paid to the secretary. About ten o'clock Mr. H- was inquired for at the stagedoor. He left the pleasant table; and, on going down, was accosted by Leadbitter, a Bow Street officer, who requested to speak to him. privately.

H—, rather astonished at this, conducted the officer into a room, when Leadbitter told him, "He was very sorry to say that he had a warrant against Mr. H."

"A warrant !" exclaimed H- ; and the officer produced a printed paper, and said, "that he had authority to take Mr. H in custody for passing a bad half-crown in Covent Garden market that afternoon.

H- was surprised, and said he had certainly "purchased some fruit and vegetables there, as, indeed, he did daily;" but utterly disclaimed paying with a bad half-crown.

Leadbitter (who had received his infernal instruction from the hoaxers above,) respectfully told poor H that it was his painful duty-with a man of his standing in the world—to search his person. H- very indignantly said "Search me directly." Leadbitter proceeded in his task, and found all the quantity of base coin in the pockets of H- -. The affair now assumed a serious aspect, when Leadbitter told H- that "he must accompany him." The party upstairs was sent to; but not one of the conspirators would come down. Some, who were not in the secret, and foremost amongst them was Mr. William L- were descending, quitting the club for the evening. H- appealed to them, and the charge was received by the benevolent L with utter astonishment. Another gentleman thinking that a practical joke might be carried too far, interfered, and at last induced the Bow Street officer to confess that he had been employed with a fictitious warrant, to consummate this hoaxing attack on the harmless and good-natured little secretary.

Fat and facetious Major Downs, W—, D—, and others, went on an angling party to Hampton. Downs had conceived a joke

against D, and procured a red herring, which he concealed in his basket. The party were in punts, and were successful. They, however, ceased from their sport to partake of some luncheon on the water, and Downs requested D. to draw the cork of a bottle of sherry. D- left his line in the water; and, while his back was turned, the Major rapidly drew up the float, hooked the red-herring, and threw it quietly into the river. He then accepted of some sandwiches; and whilst Dwas pouring out a glass of wine, he said, "See-see, you have got a bite there!"

D, as quickly as he could, pulled up the line, and was utterly astounded at the fish he had caught!

Mr. D. is now a first-rate disciple of Izaak Walton.

In writing about Poland, if an author is at a loss for surnames, all he has to do is, to sneeze, and add the syllable SKI afterwards. For instance, in the various strange sounds of a sneeze,-Athishah-SKI; araposh-ski; sbldsph-sKI; stchar-SKI; tishoo-SKI ;-all excellent Polish names!

Robert William Elliston was at Croydon fair, and having rather exceeded his customary potation after dinner, he staggered and fell down. Two respectable persons immediately lifted him up on his legs. He gazed for an instant at them alternately, and drawled out gravely, "You will rob me, of course; but for God's sake do not otherwise ill-treat me!"

66

Mr. A- —was at a pleasant convivial party, and having done something contrary to the rules of the society, he was called to order by the chairman, who jocosely reprimanded him at some length, and concluded by observing, that he feared the exhortation had produced very little effect on the person addressed; in fact, it was casting pearls before swine." A rose with an humble demeanour, modestly apologized for his misbehaviour, and, perfectly agreeing with the chairman in his last line, begged leave most respectfully "to cast HIMSELF before THE SOCIETY.'

'TIS HE!

BY CAPTAIN MEDWIN.

As I was walking one day last May in the Tuileries Gardens, armin-arm with a French gentleman, a stranger en passant, remarked, pointing to another, "Tis he!" My friend, who overheard the words as well as myself, suddenly turned pale, and became so seriously indisposed that he alarmed me.

I led him to a bench, fortunately at hand, and asked him the cause of his emotion. When he had sufficiently recovered he said, with a deep sigh,

"Those horrible words! I have the greatest possible antipathy to them; and, when you have heard my story, you will think with reason,-almost as great an objection to them as Lara had.

"No one can read that tale, and entertain a doubt that it is a sequel to the Corsair, that, in fact, Conrad and Lara are the same person.