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Jarvis. You have no friends.
Jarvis. Ay, it's the way with them all, from the Honeywood. Well; from my acquaintance then ? scullion to the privy-counsellor. If they have a bad
Jarvis. (pulling out bills.) A few of our master, they keep quarrelling with him; if they usual cards of compliment, that's all. This bill have a good master, they keep quarrelling with one from your tailor; this from your mercer; and this another. from the little broker in Crooked-lane. He says he
Enter BUTLER, drunk. has been at a great deal of trouble to get back the Butler. Sir, I'll not stay in the family with Jonamoney you borrowed.
than; you must part with him, or part with me, Honeywood. That I don't know; but I am sure that's the ex-ex-exposition of the matter, sir. we were at a great deal of trouble in getting him to Honeywood. Full and explicit enough. But lend it.
what's his fault, good Philip? Jarvis. He has lost all patience.
Butler. Sir, he's given to drinking, sir, and I Honeywood. Then he has lost a very good thing. shall have my morals corrupted by keeping such
Jarvis. There's that ten guineas you were company. sending to the poor gentleman and his children in Honeywood. Ha! ha! he has such a diverting the Fleet. I believe that would stop his mouth for way-. a while at least.
Jarvis. O, quite amusing. Honeywood. Ay, Jarvis, but what will fill their Butler. I find my wine's a-going, sir; and limouths in the meantime? Must I be cruel, because quors don't go without mouths, sir; I hate a drunkhc liappens to be importunate; and, to relieve his ard, sir. avarice, leave them to insupportable distress? Honeywood. Well, well, Philip, I'll hear you
Jarvis. 'Sdeath! sir, the question now is how upon that another time; so go to bed now. to relieve yourself; yourself.—Haven't I reason to Jarvis. To bed! let him go to the devil. be out of my senses, when I see things going at Butler. Begging your honour's pardon, and beg sixes and sevens?
ging your pardon, Master Jarvis, I'll not go to bed, Honeymood. Whatever reason you may have nor to the devil neither. I have enough to do to for being out of your senses, I hope you'll allow mind my cellar. I forgot, your honour, Mr. that I'm not quite unreasonable for continuing in Croaker is below. I came on purpose to tell you. mine.
Honeywood. Why didn't you show him up, Jarvis. You are the only man alive in your pre- blockhead ? sent situation that could do so.-Every thing upon Butler. Show him up, sir! With all my heart, the waste. There's Miss Richland and her fine sir. Up or down, all's one to me. [Erit. fortune gone already, and upon the point of being Jarvis. Ay, we have one or other of that family given to your rival.
in this house from morning till night. He comes Honeywood. I'm no man's rival.
on the old affair, I suppose. The match between Jarvis. Your uncle in Italy preparing to disin- his son that's just returned from Paris, and Miss herit you; your own fortune almost spent; and no- Richland, the young lady he's guardian to. thing but pressing creditors, false friends, and a Honeyrood. Perhaps so. Mr. Croaker knowpack of drunken servants that your kindness has ing my friendship for the young lady, has got it made unfit for any other family.
into his head that I can persuade her to what I Honeyrood. Then they have the more occasion (please. for being in mine.
Jarvis. Ah! if you loved yourself but half as Jarris. Soh! What will you have done with well as she loves you, we should soon see a marhim that I caught stealing your plate in the pan- riage that would set all things to rights again. try? In the fact; I caught him in the fact. Honeywood. Love me! Sure, Jarvis, you dream.
Honeywood. In the fact? If so, I really think No, no; her intimacy with me never amounted to that we should pay him his wages, and turn him more than friendship-mere friendship. That she off.
is the most lovely woman that ever warmed the Jarvis. He shall be turned off at Tyburn, the human heart with desire, I own. But never let dog; we'll hang him, if it be only to frighten the me harbour a thought of making her unhappy, by rest of the family.
a connexion with one so unworthy her merits as I Honeymoood. No, Jarvis; it's enough that we am. No, Jarvis, it shall be my study to serve her, have lost what he has stolen; let us not add to it even in spite of my wishes; and to secure her hapthe loss of a fellow-creature!
piness, though it destroys my own. Jarvis. Very fine! well, here was the footman Jarvis. Was ever the like? I want patience. just now, to complain of the butler: he says he Honeymoood. Besides, Jarvis, though I could obdoes most work, and ought to have most wages. tain Miss Richland's consent, do you think I could
Honeywood. That's but just; though perhaps succeed with her guardian, or Mrs. Croaker, his here comes the butler to complain of the footman. I wife; who, though both very fine in their way, are
vo get a little opposite in their dispositions, you | Richland and my son much relished, either by one know.
side or t' other. Jarvis, Opposite enough, Heaven knows! the
Honeywood. I thought otherwise. very reverse of each other : she, all laugh and no
Croaker. Ah, Mr. Honeywood, a little of your joke; he always complaining and never sorrowful; fine serious advice to the young lady might go far: a fretful poor soul
, that has a new distress for every I know she has a very exalted opinion of your unhour in the four-and-twenty
derstanding. Honeywood. Hush, hush, he's coming up, he'll
Honeywood. But would not that be usurping an hear you.
authority that more properly belongs to yourself? Jarvis. One whose voice is a passing-bell
Croaker. My dear friend, you know but little of Honeywood. Well, well; go, do.
my authority at home. People think, indeed, beJarvis. A raven that bodes nothing but mischief; cause they see me come out in a morning thus, with a coffin and cross bones; a bundle of rue; a sprig of a pleasant face, and to make my friends merry, that deadly night-shade; a- [Honeywood stopping all's well within. But I have cares that would his mouth, at last pushes him off.
break a heart of stone. My wife has so encroach
ed upon every one of my privileges, that I'm now Honeywnod. I must own my old monitor is not no more than a mere lodger in my own house. entirely wrong. There is something in my friend Honeywood. But a little spirit exerted on your Croaker's conversation that quite depresses me. side might perhaps restore your authority. His very mirth is an antidote to all gaiety, and Croaker. No, though I had the spirit of a lion! his appearance has a stronger effect on my spirits I do rouse sometimes. But what then? always than an undertaker's shop.–Mr. Croaker, this is haggling and haggling. A man is tired of getting such a satisfaction
the better before his wife is tired of losing the Enter CROAKER.
victory. Croaker. A pleasant morning to Mr. Honey Honeywood. It's a melancholy consideration inwood, and many of them. How is this! you look deed, that our chief comforts often produce our most shockingly to-day, my dear friend. I hope greatest anxieties, and that an increase of our posthis weather does not affect your spirits. To be sessions is but an inlet to new disquietudes. sure, if this weather continues—I say nothing- Croaker. Ah, my dear friend, these were the But God send we be all better this day three months. very words of poor Dick Doleful to me not a week
Honeywood. I heartily concur in the wish, before he made away with himself. Indeed, Mr. though, I own, not in your apprehensions. Honeywood, I never see you but you put me in
Croaker. May-be not. Indeed what signifies mind of poor Dick. · Ah, there was merit neglected what weather we have in a country going to ruin for you! and so truc a friend! we loved each other like ours? taxes rising and trade falling. Money for thirty years, and yet he never asked me to lend flying out of the kingdom, and Jesuits swarming him a single farthing. into it. I know at this time no less than a hundred Honeywood. Pray what could induce him to comand twenty-seven Jesuits between Charing-cross mit so rash an action at last? and Temple-bar.
Croaker. I don't know: some people were maHoneywood. The Jesuits will scarce pervert licious enough to say it was keeping company with you or me, I should hope.
me; because we used to meet now and then and Crouker. May-be not. Indeed, what signifies open our hearts to each other. To be sure I loved whom they pervert in a country that has scarce any to hear him talk, and he loved to hear me talk; religion to lose! I'm only afraid for our wives and poor dear Dick. He used to say that Croaker rhymed daughters.
to joker; and so we used to laugh-Poor Dick. Honeyroood. I have no apprehensions for the
(Going to cry. ladies, I assure you.
Honeywood. His fate affects me. Croaker. May-be not. Indeed, what signifies Croaker. Ay, he grew sick of this miserable life, whether they be perverted or no? the women in my where we do nothing but eat and grow hungry. time were good for something. I have seen a lady dress and undress, get up and lie down; while readrest from top to toe in her own manufactures for- son, that should watch like a nurse by our side, merly. But now-a-days, the devil a thing of their falls as fast asleep as we do. own manufacture's about them, except their faces. Honeywood. To say truth, if we compare that
Honeywood. But, however these faults may be part of life which is to come, by that which we have practised abroad, you don't find them at home, past, the prospect is hideous. either with Mrs. Croaker, Olivia, or Miss Richland? Croaker. Life at the greatest and best is but a
Croaker. The best of them will never be canon-froward child, that must be humoured and coaxed ized for a saint when she's dead. By the by, my a little till it falls asleep, and then all the care is waar eiend, I don't find this match between Miss is over.
Enter MRS, CROAKER and MISS RICHLAND.
Honeywood. Very true, sir, nothing can exceed, love, an abject intercourse between tyrants and the vanity of our existence, but the folly of our pur-slaves. suits. We wept when we came into the world, Miss Richland. And, without a compliment, I and every day tells us why.
know none more disinterested, or more capable of Croaker. Ah, my dear friend, it is a perfect satis- friendship, than Mr. Honeywood., faction to be miserable with you. My son Leon- Mrs. Croaker. And, indeed, I know nobody that tine shan't lose the benefit of such fine conversation. has more friends, at least among the ladies. Miss I'll just step home for him. I am willing to show Fruzz, Miss Oddbody, and Miss Winterbottom, him so much seriousness in one scarce older than praise him in all companies. As for Miss Biddy himself— And what if I bring my last letter to the Bundle, she's his professed admirer. Gazetteer on the increase and progress of earth- Miss Richland. Indeed! an admirer !—I did not quakes? It will amuse us, I promise you. I there know, sir, you were such a favourite there. But prove how the late earthquake is coming round to is she seriously so handsome ? Is she the mighty pay us another visit, from London to Lisbon, from thing talked of? * Lisbon to the Canary Islands, from the Canary Honeywood. The town, madam, seldom begins Islands to Palmyra, from Palmyra to Constantino- to praise a lady's beauty, till she's beginning to ple, and so from Constantinople back to London lose it.
[Exit. Mrs. Croakcr. But she's resolved never to lose Honeyroood. Poor Croaker! his situation deserves it, it seems. · For, as her natural face decays, her the utmost pity. I shall scarce recover my spirits skill improves in making the artificial one. Well, these three days. Sure to live upon such terms is nothing diverts me more than one of those fine, worse than death itself. And yet, when I consider old, dressy things, who thinks to conceal her age. my own situation,
,-a broken furtune, a hopeless by every where exposing her person; sticking herpassion, friends in distress, the wish but not the self up in the front of a side box ; trailing through power to serve them-pausing and sighing.]
a minuet at Almack's; and then in the public gar
dens, looking for all the world like one of the paintButler. More company below, sir; Mrs. Croaker
ed ruins of the place. and Miss Richland; shall I show them up? but
Honeywood. Every age has its admirers, ladies. they're showing up themselves.
While you, perhaps, are trading among the warmer Miss Richland. You're always in such spirits. climates of youth, there ought to be some to carry Mrs. Croaker. We have just come, my dear on a useful commerce in the frozen latitudes beHoneywood, from the auction. There was the yond fifty. old deaf dowager, as usual, bidding like a fury
Miss Richland. But, then, the mortifications against herself. And then so curious in antiques? they must suffer, before they can be fitted out for herself the most genuine piece of antiquity in the traffic. I have seen one of them fret a whole whole collection.
morning at her hair-dresser, when all the fault was Honeyrood. Excuse me, ladies, if some uneasi. her face. ness from friendship makes me unfit to share in this Honeycood. And yet, I'll engage, has carried gond-humour: I know you'll pardon me.
that face at last to a very good market. This Mrs. Croaker. I vow he seems as melancholy as good-natured town, madam, has husbands, like if he had taken a dose of my husband this morning. spectacles, to fit every age, from fifteen to fourscore Well, if Richland here can pardon you I must.
Mrs. Croaker. Well, you're a dear good-natured Miss Richland. You would seem to insinuate, creature. But you know you're engaged with us madam, that I have particular reasons for being dis- this morning upon a strolling party. I want to posed to refuse it.
show Olivia the town, and the things; I believe I Mrs. Croaker. Whatever I insinuate, my dear, shall have business for you for the whole day. don't be so ready to wish an explanation.
Honeywood. I am sorry, madam, I have an apMiss Richland. I own I should be sorry Mr. pointment with Mr. Croaker, which it is impossiHoneywood's long friendship and mine should be ble to put off. misunderstood.
Mrs. Croaker. What! with my husband ? then Honeymood. There's no answering for others, I'm resolved to take no refusal. Nay, 1 protest madam. But I hope you'll never find me presum- you must. You know I never laugh so much as ing to offer more than the most delicate friendship
with you. may readily allow.
Honeywood. Why, if I must, I must. I'll swear Miss Richland. And I shall be prouder of such you have put me into such spirits. Well, do you a tribute from you, than the most passionate pro- find jest, and I'll find laugh I promise you. We'll fessions from others.
wait for the chariot in the next room. [Exeunt. Honeywood. Myown sentiments, madam; friend
Enter LEONTINE and OLIVIA. ship is a disinterested coinmerce between equals ; Leontine. There they go, thoughtless and haz.
py. My dearest Olivia, what would I give to see addresses. I consider every look, every expression you capable of sharing in their amusements, and of your esteem, as due only to me. This is folly as cheerful as they are.
perhaps: I allow it; but it is natural to suppose, Olivia. How, my Leontine, how can I be cheer- that merit which has made an impression on one's ful, when I have so many terrors to oppress me? own heart, may be powerful over that of another. The fear of being detected by this family, and the Leontine. Don't, my life's treasure, don't let us apprehensions of a censuring world, when I must make imaginary evils, when you know we have be detected
so many real ones to encounter. At worst, you Leontine. The world, my love! what can it say? know, if Miss Richland should consent; or my* At worst it can only say, that, being compelled by father refuse his pardon, it can but end in a trip to a mercenary guardian to embrace a life you dis- Scotland : and liked, you formed a resolution of flying with the
Enter CROAKER, man of your choice; that you confided in his hon- Croaker. Where have you been boy? I have our, and took refuge in my father's house ; the only been seeking you. · My friend Honeywood here one where yours could remain without censure.' has been saying such comfortable things. Ah!
Olivia. But consider, Leontine, your disobedi- he's an example indeed. Where is he? I left him ence and my indiscretion; your being sent to here. France to bring home a sister, and instead of a Leontine. Sir, I believe you may see him, and sister, bringing home
hear him too, in the next room; he's preparing to Leontine. One dearer than a thousand sisters. go out with the ladies. One that I am convinced will be equally dear to Croaker. Good gracious! can I believe my eyes the rest of the family, when she comes to be known. or my ears! I'm struck dumb with his vivacity,
Oliria. And that, I fear, will shortly be. and stunned with the loudness of his laugh. Was
Leontine. Impossible, till we ourselves think there ever such a transformation! (A laugh beproper to make the discovery. My sister, you hind the scenes, Croaker mimics it.] Ha! ha! ha! know, has been with her aunt at Lyons, since she there it goes: a plague take their balderdash! yet was a child, and you find every creature in the I could expect nothing less, when my precious wife family takes you for her.
was of the party. On my conscience, I believe she Olivia. But mayn't she write, mayn't her aunt could spread a horse-laugh through the pews of a write ?
tabernacle. Leontine. Her aunt scarce ever writes, and all Leontine. Since you find so many objections to my sister's letters are directed to me.
a wife, sir, how can you be so earnest in recomOlivia. But won't your refusing Miss Richland, mending one to me? for whom you know the old gentleman intends Croaker. I have told you, and tell you again, you, create a suspicion ?
boy, that Miss Richland's fortune must not go out Leontine. There, there's my master-stroke. I of the family; one may find comfort in the money, have resolved not to refuse her; nay, an hour whatever one does in the wife. hence I have consented to go with my father to Leontine. But, sir, though, in obedience to your make her an offer of my heart and fortune. desire, I am ready to marry her, it may be possible Olivia. Your heart and fortune!
she has no inclination to me. Leonline. Don't be alarmed, my dearest. Can Croaker. I'll tell you once for all how it stands. Olivia think so meanly of my honour, or my love. A good part of Miss Richland's large fortune conas to suppose I could ever hope for happiness from sists in a claim upon government, which my good any but her? No, my Olivia, neither the force, friend, Mr. Lofty, assures me the treasury will alnor, permit me to add, the delicacy of my passion, low. One half of this she is to forfeit, by her faleave any room to suspect me. I only offer Miss ther's will, in case she refuses to marry you. So, Richland a heart I am convinced she will refuse; if she rejects you, we seize half her fortune ; if as I am confident, that without knowing it, her af- she accepts you, we seize the whole, and a fine girl fections are fixed upon Mr. Honeywood. into the bargain.
Olivia. Mr. Honeywood ! you'll excuse my ap- Leontine. But, sir, if you will but listen to reasonprehensions; but when your merits come to be put Croaker. Come, then, produce your reasons. I in the balance
tell you, I'm fixed, determined; so now produce Leontine. You view them with too much par- your reasons. When I'm determined, I always tiality. However, by making this offer, I show a listen to reason, because it can then do no harm. seeming compliance with my father's command; Leontine. You have alleged that a mutual choice and perhaps, upon her refusal, I may have his con- was the first requisite in matrimonial happiness. sent to choose for myself.
Croaker. Well, and you have both of you a Olivia. Well, 1 submit. And yet, my Leon- mutual choice. She has her choice—to marry you, line, I own, I shall envy her even your pretended for lose half her fortune; and you have your choiceto marry her, or pack out of doors without any here presently, to open the affair in form. You fortune at all.
know I am to lose half my fortune if I refuse him. Leontine. An only son, sir, might expect more Garnet. Yet, what can you do? For being, as indulgence.
you are, in love with Mr. Honeywood, madamCroaker. An only father, sir, might expect more Miss Richland. How! idiot, what do you mean? obedience: besides, has not your sister here, that In love with Mr. Honeywood! Is this to provoke never disobliged me in her life, as good a right as me?
you? He's a sad dog, Livy, my dear, and would Garnet. That is, madam, in friendship with • take all from you. But he shan't, I tell you he him ; I meant nothing more than friendship, as I shan't, for you shall have your share.
hope to be married; nothing more. Olivia. Dear sir, I wish you'd be convinced, Miss Richland. Well, no more of this: As to that I can never be happy in any addition to my my guardian and his son, they shall find me prefortune, which is taken from his.
pared to receive them: I'm resolved to accept their Croaker. Well, well, it's a good child, so say no proposal with seeming pleasure, to mortify them by more; but come with me, and we shall see some- compliance, and so throw the refusal at last upon thing that will give us a great deal of pleasure, I them. promise you; old Ruggins, the curry-comb maker, Garnet. Delicious! and that will sécure your lying in state: I am told he makes a very hand-whole fortune to yourself. Well, who could have some corpse, and becomes his coffin prodigiously. thought so innocent a face could cover so much He was an intimate friend of mine, and these are 'cuteness! friendly things we ought to do for each other. Miss Richland. Why, girl, I only oppose my
(Exeunt. prudence to their cunning, and practise a lesson
they have taught me against themselves.
Garnet. Then you're likely not long to want ACT II.
employment, for here they come, and in close con
ference. SCENE-CROAKER'S HOUSE,
Enter CROAKER, LEONTINE.
Leontine. Excuse me, sir, if I seem to hesitate MISS RICHLAND, GARNET.
upon the point of putting to the lady so important Miss Richland. Olivia not his sister? Olivia not a question. Leontine's sister? You amaze me!
Croaker. Lord! good sir, moderate your fears ; Garnet. No more his sister than I am; I had it you're so plaguy shy, that one would think you had all from his own servant : I can get any thing from changed sexes. I tell you we must have the half that quarter.
or the whole. Come, let me see with what spirit Miss Richland. But how? Tell me again, Gar- you begin: Well, why don't you? Eh! what?
Well then-I must, it seems-Miss Richland, my Garnet. Why, madam, as I told you before, in- dear, I believe you guess at our business, an affair stead of going to Lyons to bring home his sister, which my son here comes to open, that nearly conwho has been there with her aunt these ten years, cerns your happiness. he never went farther than Paris : there he saw Miss Richland. Sir, I should be ungrateful not and fell in love with this young lady, by the by, of to be pleased with any thing that comes recoma prodigious family.
mended by you. Miss Richland. And brought her home to my Croaker.. How, boy, could you desire a finer guardian as his daughter ?
opening? Why don't you begin, I say? Garnet. Yes, and his daughter she will be. If
[To Leontine. he don't consent to their marriage, they talk of try- Leontine. 'Tis true, madam, my father, madam, ing what a Scotch parson can do.
has some intentions-hem-of explaining an affair Miss Richland. Well, I own they have deceiv- —which—himself—can best explain, madam. ed me-And so demurely as Olivia carried it too! Croaker. Yes, my dear; it comes entirely from Would you believe it, Garnet, I told her all my se- my son ; it's all a request of his own, madam. And crets; and yet the sly cheat concealed all this from I will permit him to make the best of it. me?
Leontine. The whole affair is only this, madam; Garnet. And, upon my word, madam, I don't my father has a proposal to make, which he insists much blame her: she was loath to trust one with none but himself shall deliver. her secrets that was so very bad at keeping her Croaker. My mind misgives me, the fellow will
never be brought on. [Aside.] In short, madam, Miss Richland. But, to add to their deceit, the you see before you one that loves you; one whose young gentleman, it seems, pretends to make me whole happiness is all in you. serious proposals. My guardian and he are to be Miss Richland. I never had any doubts of your