Whofe outward frame was lent the
world to guess,
What shapes our fouls fhall wear in hap-
pinefs,

Whole virtue did all ill fo overfwaye.
That her whole life was a communion-
daye.

"As my publication will be extended only to thofe Epitaphs which are really infcribed on tomb-ftones, the ludicrous and the gay will of courfe be omitted. Let him whofe inclination may lead him to perufe fuch, be referred to Magazines and Jeft-books. He will there find that epigram, pun, fatire, and burlefque, have attempted to throw a gleam of levity upon a fubject which is too aweful to be made ridiculous. Wit and humour never more mistake their object, than when they aim their shafts at man in a state of diffolution. But however wanton and injudicious their fallies have been, they have never prophaned the fanctity of Chriftian temples by affixing their productions to them. Such an indecorum militates too ftrongly againft piety and fenfibility, to be tolerated with patience. To fport with the

characters of the departed is a fuffiing permitted to erect a trophy over cient triumph for gaiety, without betheir graves.

"The perufal of epitaphs is not to be confidered as a frivolous and light amusement. If fuch only be the objects of attention as have been noticed with our applaufe, it is unqueftionably an introduction to pleafing knowledge, and an incentive to moral improvement. What biogra phy is to hiftory, an epitaph is to biography. It is a sketch which marks the great outlines of chara ter, and excites curiofity to view the portraits as painted on the pages of hiftory. It is likewise an epitome of a fermon, which teaches the moft useful truths in the most comprehenfive form. Monumental infcriptions remind us, that time is on the wing, that every rank and age must fall a a prey to his depredations, that the moments of life are too precious to be fquandered away on trifles, that religion is the only fupport against the horrors of death, and the only guide to the joys of eternity. '

"I

tage which he fancied would have made him happy, viz. a learned education. I was fent to a country grammar-school, and from thence to the university, with a view of qualifying for holy orders. Here, having but fmall allowance from my father, and being naturally of a timid and bafhful difpofition, I had no opportunity of rubbing off that native aukwardnefs, which is the fatal caufe of all my unhappiness, and which I now begin to fear can never be amended. You must know,

that

that in my perfon I am tall and thin, with a fair complexion, and light flaxen hair; but of fuch extreme fufceptibility of fhame, that on the fmalleft fubject of confufion, my blood all ruthes into my cheeks, and I appear a perfect full-blown rofe. The confcioufnefs of this unhappy failing, made me avoid fociety, and I became enamoured of a college life; particularly when I reflected, that the uncouth manners of my father's family, were little calculated to improve my outward conduct; I therefore, had refolved on living at the univerfity and taking pupils, when two unexpected events greatly altered the pofture of my affairs, viz. my father's death, and the ar

rival of an uncle from the Indies.

"This uncle I had very rarely heard my father mention, and it was generally believed that he was long fince dead, when he arrived in England only a week too late to clofe his brother's eyes. I am afhamed to confefs, what I believe has been often experienced by thofe, whofe education has been better than their parents, that my poor father's ignorance, and vulgar language, had of ten made me blush to think I was his fon; and at his death I was not inconfolable for the lofs of that, which I was was not unfrequently afhamed to own. My uncle was but little affected, for he had been feparated from his brother more than thirty years, and in that time he had acquired a fortune which he ufed to brag, would make a nabob happy; in fhort, he had brought over with him the enormous fum of thirty thousand pounds, and upon this he built his hopes of never-ending happinefs. While he was planning chemes of greatnefs and delight, whether the change of climate might affect him, or what other caufe I know not, but he was fnatched from

8

all his dreams of joy by a fhort illnefs, of which he died, leaving me heir to all his property. And now, fir, behold me at the age of twentyfive, well stocked with Latin, Greek, and Mathematics, poffeffed of an ample fortune, but fo aukward and unverfed in every gentleman-like accomplishment, that I am pointed at by all who fee me, as the wealthy learned clown.

" I have lately purchased an eftate in the country, which abounds in (what is called) a fafhionable neighbourhood; and when you reflect on my parentage and uncouth manner, you will hardly think how much my company is counted by the furrounding families, (especially by thofe who have marriageable daughters): from these gentlemen I have received familiar calls, and the most preffing invitations, and though I wifhed to accept their offered friendship, I have repeatedly excufed myself under the pretence of not be ing quite fettled; for the truth is, that when I have rode or walked, with full intent to return their feveral vifits my heart has failed me as I approached their gates and I have frequently returned homeward, refolving to try again to-morrow.

"However, I at length determined to conquer my timidity, and three days ago, accepted of an invitation to dine this day with one, whofe open eafy manner, left me no room to doubt a cordial welcome. Sir Thomas Friendly, who lives about two miles diftant, is a baronnet, with about two thousand pounds a year eftate, joining to that 1 purchafed; he has two fons, and five daughters, all grown up, and living with their mother and a maiden fifter of fir Thomas's, at Friendly-Hall, dependent on their father. Confcious of my unpolished gait, I have for fome time past, taken pri

vate

vate leffons of a profeffor, who teaches "grown gentlemen to dance;" and though I at firft found wonderous difficulty in the art he taught, my knowledge of the mathematics was of prodigious ufe, in teaching me the equilibrium of my body, and the due adjustment of the centre of gravity to the five pofitions. Having now acquired the art of walking without tottering, and learned to make a bow, I boldly ventured to obey the baronet's invitation to a family dinner, not doubting but my new acquirements would enable me to fee the ladies with tolerable intrepidity: but alas! how vain are all the hopes of theory, when unfupported by habitual practice. As I approached the house, a dinner-bell alarmed my fears, left I had fpoiled the dinner by want of punctuality; impreffed with this idea, I blushed the deepest crimson, as my name was repeatedly announced by the feveral livery ferwants who ufhered me into the libra ry, hardly knowing what or whom I faw; at my firft entrance, I fum moned all my fortitude, and made my new-learned bow to lady Friendly. But unfortunately in bringing back my left foot to the third pofition, I trod upon the gouty toe of poor fir Thomas, who had followed clofe at my heels, to be the nomenclator of the family. The confufion this occafioned in me, is hardly to be conceived, fince none but bashful men can judge of my diftrefs and of that defcription, the number I believe is very mall. The baronet's politenefs by degrees diffipated my concern; and I was aftonifhed to fee how far good breeding could enable him to fupprefs his feelings, and to appear with perfect ease, after fo painful an accident.

"The cheerfulnefs of her ladyfhip, and the familiar chat of the

young ladies, infenfibly led me to throw off my referve and sheepishnefs, till at length I ventured to join in converfation, and even to start fresh fubjects. The library being richly furnished with books in ele gant bindings, I conceived fir Thomas to be a man of literature, and ventured to give my opinion concerning the feveral editions of the Greek claffics, in which the baronet's opinion exactly coincided with my own. To this fubject I was led, by obferving an edition of Xenophon in fixteen volumes, which (as I had never before heard of fuch a thing) greatly excited my curiofity, and I rofe up to examine what it could be: fir Thomas faw what I was about, and (as I fuppofe) willing to fave me trouble, rofe to take down the book, which made me more eager to prevent him, and haftily laying my hand on the first volume, I pulled it forcibly; but lo! inftead of books, a board, which by leather and gilding had been made to look like fixteen volumes, came tumbling down and unluckily pitched upon a Wedgwood ink-stand on the table under it. In vain did fir Thomas affure me, there was no harm; I faw the ink ftreaming from an inlaid table on the Turkey carpet, and fcarce knowing what I did, attempted to ftop its progrefs with my cambrick handkerchief. In the height of this confufion, we were informed that dinner was ferved up, and I with joy perceived that the hell, which at firft fo alarmed my fears, was only the half-hour dinnerbell.

"In walking through the hall, and fuite of apartments to the dining room, I had time to collect my fcattered fenfes, and was defired to take my feat betwixt lady Friendly and her eldest daughter at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xeno

phon,

phon, my face had been continually burning like a firebrand, and I was just beginning to recover myfelf, and to feel comfortably cool, when an unlooked for accident, rekindled all my heat and blufhes. Having fet my plate of foup too near the edge the table, in bowing to Mifs Dinah, who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole fcalding contents into my lap. In fpite of an immediate fupply of napkins to wipe the furface of my cloaths, my black breeches were not ftout enough to fave me from the painful effects of this fudden fomentation, and for fome minutes, my legs and thighs feemed stewing in a boiling cauldron; but recollecting how fir Thomas had difguifed his torture, when I trod upon his toe, I firmly bore my pain in filence, and fat with my lower extremities parboiled, amidst the ftifled giggling of the ladies and the

fervants.

all compaffionated my misfortune, and each advifed a different application; one recommended oil, nother water, but all agreed that wine was beft for drawing out the fire; and a glafs of fherry was brought me from the fideboard, which I fnatched up with eagernefs: but, oh! how fhall I tell the fequel? whether the butler by accident miftook, or purpofely defigned to drive me mad, he gave me the ftrongeft brandy, with which I filled my mouth, already flayed and blis tered; totally unufed to every kind of ardent ípirits, with my tongue, throat, and palate, as raw as beef, what could I do? I could not fwallow, and clapping my hands upon my mouth, the curfed liquor fquirted through my nofe and fingers like a fountain, over all the dishes; and I was crushed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In vain did fir Thomas reprimand the fervants, and lady Friendly chide her daughters: for the meafure of my fhame and their diverfion was not yet complete. To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration, which this accident had caufed, without confidering what I did, I wiped my face with that ill-fated handkerchief, which was ftill wet from the confequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered all my features with streaks of ink in every direction. The baronet himself could not fupport this flock, but joined his lady in the general laugh; while I fprung from the table in despair, rufhed out of the houfe, and ran home in an agony of confufion and difgrace, which the moft poignant fenfe of guilt could not have excited.

"Thus, without having deviated from the path of moral rectitude, I am fuffering torments like a

❝ goblin