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original remained. Whenever the wind blows, the old mansion makes a most perilous groaning; and every storm is sure to make a day's work for the carpenter, who attends upon it as regularly as the family physician. This predilection for every thing that has been long in the family shows itself in every particular. The domestics are all grown gray in the service of our house. We have a little, old, crusty, gray-headed negro, who has lived through two or three generations of the Cocklofts; and, of course, has become a personage of no little importance in the household. He calls all the family by their christian names; tells long stories about how he dandled them on his knee when they were children; and is a complete Cockloft chronicle for the last seventy years. The family carriage was made in the last French war, and the old horses were most indubitably foaled in Noah's ark; resembling marvellously, in gravity of demeanour, those sober animals which may be seen any day of the year in the streets of Philadelphia, walking their snail's pace, a dozen in a row, and harmoniously jingling their bells. Whim-whams are the inheritance of the Cocklofts, and every member of the household is a humourist sui generis, from the master down to the footman. The very cats and dogs are humourists; and we have a little, runty scoundrel of a cur, who, whenever the church-bells ring, will run to the street-door, turn up his nose in the wind, and howl most piteously. Jeremy insists that this is owing to a peculiar delicacy in the organization of his ears, and supports his position by many learned arguments which nobody can understand; but I am of opinion that it is a mere Cockloft whim-wham, which the little cur indulges, being descended from a race of dogs which has flourished in the family ever since the time of my grandfather. A propensity to save every thing that bears the stamp of family antiquity, has accumulated an abundance of trumpery and rubbish with which the house is encumbered from the cellar to the garret ; and every room, and closet, and corner is crammed with three-legged chairs, clocks without hands, swords without scabbards, cocked hats, broken candlesticks, and looking-glasses with frames carved into fantastic shapes of feathered sheep, woolly birds, and other animals that have no name except in books of heraldry. The ponderous mahogany chairs in the parlour are of such unwieldy proportions that it is quite a serious undertaking to gallant one of them across the room; and sometimes make a most equivocal noise when you set down in a hurry; the mantelpiece is decorated with little lacquered earthen shepherdesses; some of which are without toes, and others without noses; and the fire-place is garnished out with Dutch tiles, exhibiting a great variety of scripture pieces, which my good old soul of a cousin takes infinite delight in explaining. Poor Jeremy hates them as he does poison; for while a yonker, he was obliged by his mother to learn the history of a tile every Sunday morning before she would permit him to join his playmates; this was a terrible affair for Jeremy, who, by the time he had learned the last had forgotten the first, and was obliged to begin again. He assured me the other day, with a round college oath, that if the old house stood out till he inherited it, he would have these tiles taken out and ground into powder, for the perfect hatred he bore them.

My cousin Christopher enjoys unlimited authority in the mansion of his forefathers; he is truly what may be termed a hearty old blade, has a florid, sunshine countenance; and if you will only praise his wine, and laugh at his long stories, himself and his house are heartily at your service.--The first condition is indeed easily complied with, for, to tell the

truth, his wine is excellent; but his stories, being not of the best, and often repeated, are apt to create a disposition to yawn; being, in addition to their other qualities, most unreasonably long. His prolix ity is the more afflicting to me, since I have all his stories by heart; and when he enters upon one, it reminds me of Newark causeway, where the traveller sees the end at the distance of several miles. To the great misfortune of all his acquaintance, cousin Cockloft is blest with a most provoking retentive memory; and can give day and date, and name and age and circumstance, with the most unfeeling precision. These, however, are but trivial foibles, forgotten, or remembered, only with a kind of tender, respectful pity, by those who know with what a rich redundant harvest of kindness and generosity his heart is stored. It would delight you to see with what social gladness he welcomes a visitor into his house; and the poorest man that enters his door never leaves it without a cordial invitation to sit down and drink a glass of wine. By the honest farmers round his country-seat, he is looked up to with love and reverence; they never pass him by without his inquiring after the welfare of their families, and receiving a cordial shake of his liberal hand. There are but two classes of people who are thrown out of the reach of his hospitality, and these are Frenchmen and democrats. The old gentleman considers it treason against the majesty of good breeding to speak to any visitor with his hat on; but, the moment a democrat enters his door, he forthwith bids his man Pompey bring his hat, puts it on his head, and salutes him with an appalling "well, sir, what do you want with me?"

He has a profound contempt for Frenchmen, and firmly believes, that they eat nothing but frogs and soup- maigre in their own country. This unlucky prejudice is partly owing to my great aunt, PAMELA, having been many years ago, run away with by a French Count, who turned out to be the son of a generation of barbers;—and partly to a little vivid spark of toryism, which burns in a secret corner of his heart. He was a loyal subject of the crown, has hardly yet recovered the shock of independence; and, though he does not care to own it, always does honour to his majesty's birth-day, by inviting a few cavaliers, like himself, to dinner; and gracing his table with more than ordinary festivity. If by chance the revolution is mentioned before him, my cousin shakes his head; and you may see, if you take good note, a lurking smile of contempt in the corner of his eye, which marks a decided disapprobation of the sound. He once, in the fulness of his heart, observed to me that green peas were a month later than they were under the old government. But the most eccentric manifestation of loyalty he ever gave, was making a voyage to Halifax for no other reason under heaven but to hear his Majesty prayed for in church, as he used to be here formerly. This he never could be brought fairly to acknowledge; but it is a certain fact, I assure you. It is not a little singular that a person, so much given to long story-telling as my cousin, should take a liking to another of the same character; but so it is with the old gentleman:his prime favourite and companion is Will Wizard, who is almost a member of the family; and will sit before the fire, with his feet on the massy andirons, and smoke his segar, and screw his phiz, and spin away tremendous long stories of his travels, for a whole evening, to the great delight of the old gentleman and lady; and especially of the young ladies, who, like Desdemona, do "seriously incline," and listen to him with innumerable O dears," "is it possibles," "goody graciouses," and look upon him as a second Sinbad the sailor.

"

The Miss Cocklofts, whose pardon I crave for notation or uneasiness, no matter about what, he is worhaving particularly introduced them before, are a ried to death with inquiries, which answer no other end pair of delectable damsels; who, having purloined but to demonstrate the good-will of the inquirer, and and locked up the family-Bible, pass for just what age put him in a passion; for every body knows how prothey please to be guilty to. BARBARA, the eldest, voking it is to be cut short in a fit of the blues, by an has long since resigned the character of a belle, and impertinent question about "what is the matter? adopted that staid, sober, demure, snuff-taking air when a man can't tell himself. I remember a few becoming her years and discretion. She is a good- months ago the old gentleman came home in quite a natured soul, whom I never saw in a passion but squall; kicked poor Cæsar, the mastiff, out of his once; and that was occasioned by seeing an old way, as he came through the hall; threw his hat on favorite beau of hers, kiss the hand of a pretty the table with most violent emphasis, and pulling out blooming girl; and, in truth, she only got angry be- his box, took three huge pinches of snuff, and threw cause, as she very properly said, it was spoiling the a fourth into the cat's eyes as he sat purring his aschild. Her sister MARGERY, or MAGGIE, as she is tonishment by the fire-side. This was enough to set familiarly termed, seemed disposed to maintain her the body politic going; Mrs. Cockloft began “my post as a belle, until a few months since; when acci-dearing" it as fast as tongue could move; the young dently hearing a gentleman observe that she broke ladies took each a stand at an elbow of his chair ;very fast, she suddenly left off going to the assembly. Jeremy marshalled in rear; -the servants came took a cat into high favour, and began to rail at the tumbling in; the mastiff put up an inquiring nose ;forward pertness of young misses. From that mo- and even grimalkin, after he had cleaned his whiskers ment I set her down for an old maid; and so she is, and finished sneezing, discovered indubitable signs "by the hand of my body." The young ladies are of sympathy. After the most affectionate inquiries still visited by some half dozen of veteran beaux, who on all sides, it turned out that my cousin, in crossing grew and flourished in the haut ton, when the Miss the street, had got his silk stockings bespattered with Cocklofts were quite children; but have been brush- mud by a coach, which it seems belonged to a dashed rather rudely by the hand of time, who, to say the ing gentleman who had formerly supplied the family truth, can do almost any thing but make people with hot rolls and muffins! Mrs. Cockloft thereupon young. They are, notwithstanding, still warm can- turned up her eyes, and the young ladies their noses; didates for female favour; look venerably tender, and and it would have edified a whole congregation to repeat over and over the same honeyed speeches and hear the conversation which took place concerning sugared sentiments to the little belles that they pour- the insolence of upstarts, and the vulgarity of woulded so profusely into the ears of their mothers. I beg be gentlemen and ladies, who strive to emerge from leave here to give notice, that by this sketch, I mean low life by dashing about in carriages to pay a visit no reflection on old bachelors; on the contrary, I two doors of; giving parties to people who laugh at hold that next to a fine lady, the ne plus ultra, an old them, and cutting all their old friends. bachelor to be the most charming being upon earth; in as much as by living in "single blessedness," he of course does just as he pleases; and if he has any genius, rust acquire a plentiful stock of whims, and oddities, and whalebone habits; without which I esteem a man to be mere beef without mustard; good for nothing at all, but to run on errands for ladies, take boxes at the theatre, and act the part of a screen at tea-parties, or a walking-stick in the streets. I merely speak of these old boys who infest public walks, pounce upon ladies from every corner of the street, and worry and frisk and amble, and caper before, behind, and round about the fashionable belles, like old ponies in a pasture, striving to supply the absence of youthful whim and hilarity, by grimaces and grins, and artificial vivacity. I have sometimes seen one of these "reverend youths" endeavouring to elevate his wintry passions into something like love, by basking in the sunshine of beauty; and it did remind me of an old moth attempting to fly through a pane of glass towards a light, without ever approaching near enough to warm itself, or Scorch its wings.

THEATRICS.

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ.

I WENT a few evenings since to the theatre accompanied by my friend Snivers, the cockney, who is a man deeply read in the history of Cinderella, Valentine and Örson, Blue Beard, and all those recondite works so necessary to enable a man to understand the modern drama. Snivers is one of those intolerable fellows who will never be pleased with any thing until he has turned and twisted it divers ways, to see if it corresponds with his notions of congruity; and as he is none of the quickest in his ratiocinations, he will sometimes come out with his approbation, when every body else have forgotten the cause which excited it. Snivers is, moreover, a great critic, for he finds fault with every thing; this being what I understand by modern criticism. He, however, is pleased to acknowledge that our theatre is not so despicable, all things considered; and really thinks Cooper one of our best actors. The play was OTHELLO, and to speak my mind freely, I think I have seen it performed much worse in my time. The actors, I firmly believe, did their best; and whenever this is the case no man has a right to find fault with them, in my opinion. Little RUTHERFORD, the Roscius of the Philadelphia theatre, looked as big as possible; and what he wanted in size he made up in frowning. I like frowning in tragedy; and if a man but keeps his forehead in proper wrinkle, talks big, and takes long strides on the stage, I always set him down as a great tragedian; and so does my friend Snivers.

Never, I firmly believe, did there exist a family that went more by tangents than the Cocklofts. Every thing is governed by whim; and if one member starts a new freak, away all the rest follow on like wild geese in a string. As the family, the servants, the horses, cats, and dogs, have all grown old together, they have accommodated themselves to each other's habits completely; and though every body of them is full of odd points, angles, rhomboids, and ins and outs, yet, some how or other, they harmonize together like so many straight lines; and it is truly a grateful and refreshing sight to see them agree so well. Should one, however, get out of tune, it is like a cracked fiddle: the whole concert is ajar; you perceive a cloud over every brow in the house, and even the old chairs seem to creak affetuosso. If my cousin, Before the first act was over, Snivers began to as he is rather apt to do, betray any symptoms of vex-flourish his critical wooden sword like a harlequin.

dear sir, only look at the gesture! how horrible! do you not observe that the actor slaps his forehead, whereas, the passion not having arrived at the proper height, he should only have slapped his-pocket-flap? this figure of rhetoric is a most important stage trick, and the proper management of it is what peculiarly distinguishes the great actor from the mere plodding mechanical buffoon. Different degrees of passion require different slaps, which we critics have reduced to a perfect manual, improving upon the principle adopted by Frederic of Prussia, by deciding that an actor, like a soldier, is a mere machine; as thus-the actor, for a minor burst of major burst, he slaps his breast;-very good!—but for a burst maximus, he whacks away at his forehead, like a brave fellow;-this is excellent!—nothing can be finer than an exit slapping the forehead from one end of the stage to the other.” “Except," replied I, "one of those slaps on the breast, which I have sometimes admired in some of our fat heroes and heroines, which make their whole body shake and quiver like a pyramid of jelly.”

He first found fault with Cooper for not having made himself as black as a negro; "for," said he, "that Othello was an arrant black, appears from several expressions of the play; as, for instance, thick lips, sooty bosom,' and a variety of others. I am inclined to think," continued he, "that Othello was an Egyptian by birth, from the circumstance of the handkerchief given to his mother by a native of that country; and, if so, he certainly was as black as my hat for Herodotus has told us, that the Egyptians had flat noses and frizzled hair; a clear proof that they were all negroes." He did not confine his strictures to this single error of the actor, but went on to run him down in toto. In this he was second-passion merely slaps his pocket-hole; good!—for a ed by a red hot Philadelphian, who proved, by a string of most eloquent logical puns, that Fennel was unquestionably in every respect a better actor than Cooper. I knew it was vain to contend with them, since I recollected a most obstinate trial of skill these two great Roscii had last spring in Philadelphia. Cooper brandished his blood-stained dagger at the theatre-Fennel flourished his snuff-box and shook his wig at the Lyceum, and the unfortunate Philadelphians were a long time at a loss to decide which deserved the palm. The literati were inclined to give it to Cooper, because his name was the most fruitful in puns; but then, on the other side, it was contended that Fennel was the best Greek scholar. Scarcely was the town of Strasburgh in a greater hub-bub about the courteous stranger's nose; and it was well that the doctors of the university did not get into the dispute, else it might have become a battle of folios. At length, after much excellent argument had been expended on both sides, recourse was had to Cocker's arithmetic and a carpenter's rule; the rival candidates were both measured by one of their most steady-handed critics, and by the most exact measurement it was proved that Mr. Fennel was the greater actor by three inches and a quarter. Since this demonstration of his inferiority, Cooper has never been able to hold up his head in Philadelphia.

In order to change a conversation in which my favourite suffered so much, I made some inquiries of the Philadelphian, concerning the two heroes of his theatre, WOOD and CAIN; but I had scarcely mentioned their names, when, whack! he threw a whole handful of puns in my face; 'twas like a bowl of cold water. I turned on my heel, had recourse to my tobacco-box, and said no more about Wood and Cain; nor will I ever more, if I can help it, mention their names in the presence of a Philadelphian. Would that they could leave off punning! for I love every soul of them, with a cordial affection, warm as their own generous hearts, and boundless as their hospitality.

During the performance, I kept an eye on the countenance of my friend, the cockney; because having come all the way from England, and having seen Kemble once, on a visit which he made from the button manufactory to Lunnun, I thought his phiz might serve as a kind of thermometer to direct my manifestations of applause or disapprobation. I might as well have looked at the back-side of his head; for I could not, with all my peering, perceive by his features that he was pleased with any thing except himself. His hat was twitched a little on one side, as much as to say, "demme, I'm your sorts!" He was sucking the end of a little stick; he was "gemman" from head to foot; but as to his face, there was no more expression in it than in the face of a Chinese lady on a teacup. On Cooper's giving one of his gunpowder explosions of passion, I exclaimed, "fine, very fine!" "Pardon me," said my friend Snivers, this is damnable!-the gesture, my

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The Philadelphian had listened to this conversation with profound attention, and appeared delighted with Snivers' mechanical strictures; 'twas natural enough in a man who chose an actor as he would a grenadier. He took the opportunity of a pause, to enter into a long conversation with my friend; and was receiving a prodigious fund of information concerning the true mode of emphasising conjunctions, shifting scenes, snuffing candles, and making thunder and lightning, better than you can get every day from the sky, as practised at the royal theatres; when, as ill luck would have it, they happened to run their heads full butt against a new reading. Now this was “a stumper," as our old friend Paddle would say; for the Philadelphians are as inveterate new-reading hunters as the cocknies; and, for aught I know, as well skilled in finding them out. The Philadelphian thereupon met the cockney on his own ground; and at it they went, like two inveterate curs at a bone. Snivers quoted Theobald, Hanmer, and a host of learned commentators, who have pinned themselves on the sleeve of Shakspeare's immortality, and made the old bard, like general Washington, in general Washington's life, a most diminutive figure in his own book ;-his opponent chose Johnson for his bottle-holder, and thundered him forward like an elephant to bear down the ranks of the enemy. I was not long in discovering that these two precious judges had got hold of that unlucky passage of Shakspeare which, like a straw, has tickled, and puzzled, and confounded many a somniferous buzzard of past and present time. It was the celebrated wish of Desdemona, that heaven had made her such a man as Othello.-Snivers insisted, that "the gentle Desdemona" merely wished for such a man for a husband, which in all conscience was a modest wish enough, and very natural in a young lady who might possibly have had a predilection for flat noses; like a certain philosophical great man of our day. The Philadelphian contended with all the vehemence of a member of congress, moving the house to have "whereas," or "also," or "nevertheless," struck out of a bill, that the young lady wished heaven had made her a man instead of a woman, in order that she might have an opportunity of seeing the “anthropophagi, and the men whose heads do grow beneath their shoulders;" which was a very natural wish, considering the curiosity of the sex. On being referred to, I incontinently decided in favour of the honourable member who spoke last; inasmuch as I think it was a very foolish, and therefore very natural, wish for a young lady to make before a man she

wished to marry. It was, moreover, an indication of us, that the beautiful Ninny Consequa, one of the the violent inclination she felt to wear the breeches, ladies of the emperor's seraglio, once fainted away which was afterwards, in all probability, gratified, on seeing a favourite slave's nose bleed; since which if we may judge from the title of "our captain's time refinement has been carried to such a pitch, captain," given her by Cassio, a phrase which, in that a buskined hero is not allowed to run himself my opinion, indicates that Othello was, at that time, through the body in the face of the audience.—The most ignominiously hen-pecked. I believe my argu-immortal Chow-Chow, in conformity to this absurd ments staggered Snivers himself, for he looked con- prejudice, whenever he plays the part of Othello foundedly queer, and said not another word on the which is reckoned his master-piece, always keeps a subject. bold front, stabs himself slily behind, and is dead before any body suspects that he has given the mortal blow.

A little while after, at it he went again on another tack; and began to find fault with Cooper's manner of dying :—“it was not natural,” he said, for it had lately been demonstrated, by a learned doctor of P. S. Just as this was going to press, I was inphysic, that when a man is mortally stabbed, he formed by Evergreen that Othello had not been perought to take a flying leap of at least five feet, and formed here the Lord knows when; no matter, I am drop down "dead as a salmon in a fishmonger's not the first that has criticised a play without seeing basket."-Whenever a man, in the predicament it, and this critique will answer for the last performabove mentioned, departed from this fundamental ance, if that was a dozen years ago.

rule, by falling flat down, like a log, and rolling about for two or three minutes, making speeches all the time, the said learned doctor maintained that it was owing to the waywardness of the human mind,

which delighted in flying in the face of nature, and No. VII.-SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 1807. dying in defiance of all her established rules.—I replied, "for my part, I held that every man had a

KELI KHAN,

RUB-A-DUB

right of dying in whatever position he pleased; and LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA
that the mode of doing it depended altogether on the
peculiar character of the person going to die. A
Persian could not die in peace unless he had his face
turned to the east ;-a Mahometan would always
choose to have his towards Mecca; a Frenchman
might prefer this mode of throwing a somerset ; but
Mynheer Van Brumblebottom, the Roscius of Rotter-
dam, always chose to thunder down on his seat of
honour whenever he received a mortal wound.-Be-
ing a man of ponderous dimensions, this had a most
electrifying effect, for the whole theatre "shook like
Olympus at the nod of Jove." The Philadelphian
was immediately inspired with a pun, and swore
that Mynheer must be great in a dying scene, since
he knew how to make the most of his latter end.

TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER
TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI.

I PROMISED in a former letter, good Asem, that I would furnish thee with a few hints respecting the nature of the government by which I am held in durance.--Though my inquiries for that purpose have been industrious, yet I am not perfectly satisfied with their results; for thou mayest easily imagine that the vision of a captive is overshadowed by the mists of illusion and prejudice, and the horizon of his speculations must be limited indeed. I find that the people of this country are strangely at a loss to determine the nature and proper character of their It is the inveterate cry of stage critics, that an government. Even their dervises are extremely in actor does not perform the character naturally, if, by the dark as to this particular, and are continually inchance, he happens not to die exactly as they would dulging in the most preposterous disquisitions on the have him. I think the exhibition of a play at Pekin subject: some have insisted that it savours of an would suit them exactly; and I wish, with all my aristocracy; others maintain that it is a pure democheart, they would go there and see one: nature is racy; and a third set of theorists declare absolutely there imitated with the most scrupulous exactness in that it is nothing more nor less than a mobocracy. every trifling particular. Here an unhappy lady or The latter, I must confess, though still wide in error, gentleman, who happens unluckily to be poisoned or have come nearest to the truth. You of course must stabbed, is left on the stage to writhe and groan, understand the meaning of these different words, as and make faces at the audience, until the poet they are derived from the ancient Greek language, pleases they should die; while the honest folks of and bespeak loudly the verbal poverty of these poor the dramatis persona, bless their hearts! all crowd infidels, who cannot utter a learned phrase without round and yield most potent assistance, by crying laying the dead languages under contribution. A and lamenting most vociferously! the audience, ten-man, my dear Asem, who talks good sense in his der souls, pull out their white pocket handkerchiefs, native tongue, is held in tolerable estimation in this wipe their eyes, blow their noses, and swear it is country; but a fool, who clothes his feeble ideas in a natural as life, while the poor actor is left to die foreign or antique garb, is bowed down to as a literwithout common Christian comfort. Ir China, on ary prodigy. While I conversed with these people the contrary, the first thing they do is to run for the in plain English, I was but little attended to; but doctor and tchoouc, or notary. The audience are the moment I prosed away in Greek, every one entertained throughout the fifth act with a learned looked up to me with veneration as an oracle. consultation of physicians, and if the patient must Although the dervises differ widely in the pardie, he does it secundum artem, and always is al- ticulars above mentioned, yet they all agree in termlowed time to make his will. The celebrated Chow- ing their government one of the most pacific in the Chow was the completest hand I ever saw at killing known world. I cannot help pitying their ignorance, himself; he always carried under his robe a bladder and smiling, at times, to see into what ridiculous erof bull's blood, which, when he gave the mortal stab, rors those nations will wander who are unenlightspirted out, to the infinite delight of the audience. ened by the precepts of Mahomet, our divine prophet, Not that the ladies of China are more fond of the and uninstructed by the five hundred and forty-nine sight of blood than those of our own country; on the books of wisdom of the immortal Ibrahim Hassan al contrary, they are remarkably sensitive in this par- Fusti. To call this nation pacific! most preposterticular; and we are told by the great Linkum Fideli-ous! it reminds me of the title assumed by the sheck

of that murderous tribe of wild Arabs, that desolate | since with the barbarians of the British islands. The the valleys of Belsaden, who styles himself STAR OF colour, however, is again rising into favour, as the COURTESY-BEAM OF THE MERCY-SEAT!

ladies have transferred it to their heads from the The simple truth of the matter is, that these peo- bashaw's-body. The true reason, I am told, is, ple are totally ignorant of their own true character; that the bashaw absolutely refuses to believe in the for, according to the best of my observation, they deluge, and in the story of Balaam's ass;-mainare the most warlike, and, I must say, the most sav-taining that this animal was never yet permitted to age nation that I have as yet discovered among all talk except in a genuine logocracy; where, it is true, the barbarians. They are not only at war, in their his voice may often be heard, and is listened to with own way, with almost every nation on earth, but reverence, as "the voice of the sovereign people." they are at the same time engaged in the most com- Nay, so far did he carry his obstinacy, that he absoplicated knot of civil wars that ever infested any lutely invited a professed antediluvian from the Gallic poor unhappy country on which ALLA has de- empire, who illuminated the whole country with his nounced his malediction! principles and his nose. This was enough to set the nation in a blaze;—every slang-whanger resorted to his tongue or his pen; and for seven years have they carried on a most inhuman war, in which volumes of words have been expended, oceans of ink have been shed; nor has any mercy been shown to age, sex, or condition. Every day have these slangwhangers made furious attacks on each other, and upon their respective adherents: discharging their heavy artillery, consisting of large sheets, loaded with scoundrel! villain ! liar! rascal! numskull! nincompoop! dunderhead! wiseacre! blockhead! jackass! and I do swear, by my beard, though I know thou wilt scarcely credit me, that in some of these skirmishes the grand bashaw himself has been wofully pelted! yea, most ignominiously pelted !—and yet have these talking desperadoes escaped without the bastinado!

To let thee at once into a secret, which is unknown to these people themselves, their government is a pure unadulterated LOGOCRACY, or government of words. The whole nation does every thing viva voce, or by word of mouth; and in this manner is one of the most military nations in existence. Every man who has what is here called the gift of the gab, that is, a plentiful stock of verbosity, becomes a soldier outright; and is for ever in a militant state. The country is entirely defended vi et lingua; that is to say, by force of tongues. The account which I lately wrote to our friend, the snorer, respecting the immense army of six hundred men, makes nothing against this observation; that formidable body being kept up, as I have already observed, only to amuse their fair country-women by their splendid appearance and nodding plumes; and are, by way of distinction, denominated the "defenders of the fair."

In a logocracy thou well knowest there is little or no occasion for fire-arms, or any such destructive weapons. Every offensive or defensive measure is enforced by wordy battle, and paper war; he who has the longest tongue or readiest quill, is sure to gain the victory,-will carry horror, abuse, and ink-shed into the very trenches of the enemy; and, without mercy or remorse, put men, women, and children to the point of the-pen!

Every now and then a slang-whanger, who has a longer head, or rather a longer tongue than the rest, will elevate his piece and discharge a shot quite across the ocean, levelled at the head of the emperor of France, the king of England, or, wouldst though believe it, oh! Asem, even at his sublime highness the bashaw of Tripoli! these long pieces are loaded with single ball, or langrage, as tyrant! usurper! robber! tyger! monster! and thou mayest well suppose they occasion great distress and There is still preserved in this country some re-dismay in the camps of the enemy, and are marvelmains of that gothic spirit of knight-errantry, which lously annoying to the crowned heads at which they so much annoyed the faithful in the middle ages of are directed. The slang-whanger, though perhaps the hegira. Ás, notwithstanding their martial dis- the mere champion of a village, having fired off his position, they are a people much given to commerce shot, struts about with great self-congratulation, and agriculture, and must, necessarily, at certain chuckling at the prodigious bustle he must have ocseasons be engaged in these employments, they have casioned, and seems to ask of every stranger, “well, accommodated themselves by appointing knights, or sir, what do they think of me in Europe? This is constant warriors, incessant brawlers, similar to sufficient to show you the manner in which these those who, in former ages, swore eternal enmity to bloody, or rather windy fellows fight; it is the only the followers of our divine prophet.-These knights, mode allowable in a logocracy or government of denominated editors or SLANG-WHANGERS, are ap- words. I would also observe that their civil wars pointed in every town, village, and district, to carry have a thousand ramifications. on both foreign and internal warfare, and may be While the fury of the battle rages in the metropsaid to keep up a constant firing "in words." Oh, olis, every little town and village has a distinct my friend, could you but witness the enormities broil, growing like excrescences out of the grand sometimes committed by these tremendous slang-national altercation, or rather agitating within it, like whangers, your very turban would rise with horror those complicated pieces of mechanism where there and astonishment. I have seen them extend their is a "wheel within a wheel." ravages even into the kitchens of their opponents, and annihilate the very cook with a blast; and I do assure thee, I beheld one of these warriors attack a most venerable bashaw, and at one stroke of his pen lay him open from the waistband of his breeches to

his chin!

There has been a civil war carrying on with great violence for some time past, in consequence of a conspiracy, among the higher classes, to dethrone his highness the present bashaw, and place another in his stead. I was mistaken when I formerly asserted to thee that this dissatisfaction arose from his wearing red breeches. It is true the nation have long held that colour in great detestation, in consequence of a dispute they had some twenty years

But in nothing is the verbose nature of this gov

NOTE, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ.

The sage Mustapha, when he wrote the above paragraph, had proba ly in his eye the following anecdote; related either by Linkum Fidelius, or Josephus Millerius, vulgarly called Joe Miller, of facetious memory:

The captain of a slave-vessel, on his first landing on the coast of Guinea, observed, under a palm-tree, a negre chief, sitting most majestically on a stump; while two women, with wooden spoons, were administering his favourite pottage of boiled ice; which, as his imperiai majesty was a little greedy, would part of it escape the place of destination and run down his chin. The watchful attendants were particularly careful to intercept these scapegrace particles, and return them to their proper port of entry. As the captain approached, in order to admire this curious exhibition of royalty, the great chief clapped his hands to his sides, and saluted his visitor with the following pompous question, "well, sir! what do they say of me in England?"

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