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in sixteen volumes, which (as I had never before heard of) greatly excited my curiosity, I rose up to examine what it could be. Sir Thomas saw what I was about, and (as I suppose) willing to save me trouble, rose to take down the book, which made me more eager to prevent him; and hastily laying my hand on the first volume, I pulled it forcibly: but, lol instead of books, a board, which by leather and gilding had been made to look like sixteen volumes, came tumbling down, and unluckily pitched upon a wedgwood inkstand on the table under it. In vain did Sir Thomas assure me there was no harm; I saw the ink streaming from an inlaid table on to the Turkey carpet, and scarce knowing what I did, attempted to stop its progress with my cambric handkerchief. In the height of this confusion we were informed that dinner was served up, and I with joy perceived that the bell which at first had so alarmed my fears, was only the half-hour dinner-bell.
In walking through the hall and suite of apartments to the dining-room, I had time to collect my scattered senses, and was desired to take my seat betwixt Lady Friendly and her eldest daughter at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xenophon, my face had been continually burning like a firebrand, and I was just beginning to recover myself, and to feel comfortably cool, when an unlooked-for accident rekindled all my heat and blushes. Having set my plate of soup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss Dinah, who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole scalding contents into my lap. In spite of an immediate supply of napkins to wipe the surface of my clothes, my black silk breeches were not stout enough to save me from the painful effects of this sudden fomentation, and for some minutes my legs and thighs seemed stewing in a boiling cauldron; but recollecting how Sir Thomas had disguised his torture when I trod upon his toe, I firmly bore my pain in silence, and sat with my lower extremities parboiled amidst the stifled giggling of the ladies and the servants.
I will not relate the several blunders which I made during the first course, or the distress occasioned by my being desired to carve a fowl, or help to various dishes that stood near me, spilling a sauceboat, and knocking down a salt-cellar; rather let me hasten to the second course,
where fresh disasters overwhelmed me quite."
I had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my fork, when Miss Louisa Friendly begged to trouble me for a pigeon that stood near me. In my haste, scarcely knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into my mouth hot as a burning coal. It was impossible to conceal
my agony, —my eyes were starting from their sockets. At last, in spite of shame and resolution, I was obliged to drop the cause of torment on my plate. Sir Thomas and the ladies all compassionated my misfortune, and each advised a different application; one recommended oil, another water, but all agreed that wine was best for drawing out fire, and a glass of sherry was brought me from the sideboard, which I snatched up with eagerness; but, oh! how shall I tell the sequel ? whether the butler by accident mistook, or purposely designed to drive me mad, he gave me the strongest brandy, with which I filled my mouth, already flayed and blistered. Totally unused to ardent spirits, with my tongue, throat, and palate as raw as beef, what could I do? I could not swallow; and, clapping my hands upon my mouth, the burning liquor squirted through my nose and fingers like a fountain all over the dishes; and I was crushed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas reprimand the servants and Lady Friendly chide her daughters, for the measure of my shame and their diversion was not yet complete. To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration which this accident had caused, without considering what I did, I wiped my face with that ill-fated handkerchief, which was still wet from the consequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered all my features with streaks of ink in every
direction. The baronet himself could not support this shock, but joined his lady in the general laugh; while I sprung from the table in despair, rushed out of the house, and ran home in an agony of confusion and disgrace which the most poignant sense of guilt could have excited.
Thus, without having deviated from the path of moral rectitude, I am suffering torments like a “goblin damned.” The lower half of me has been almost boiled, my tongue and mouth grilled, and I bear the mark of Cain upon my forehead; yet these are but trifling considerations to the everlasting shame which I must feel whenever this adventure, shall be mentioned. Perhaps by your assistance when my neighbours know how much I feel on the occasion, they will spare a bashful man, and (as I am just informed my poultice is ready) I trust you will excuse the haste in which I retire.
THE STUDENT OF BONN.
A HIGHLY-SEASONED SENSATIONAL GERMAN ROMANCE.
(From "Fun.") MEIN HERR VON SCHRINN was tall and thin, his mien
was grave and wise, And a pair of great green spectacles he wore to shade
his eyes ;
His lungs weren't strong; his hair was long; he had a
brain of brains; But to one sort of learning this scholar discerning
devoted all his pains And spent all his time upon
It was Beer—Beer-Beer,
So sparkling bright and clear ! Oh! this young metaphysical, quizzical, phthisical,
bibulous student of Bonn. A gallon a day he held child's play—a barrel not too big, For a very capacious throat had he, and dearly loved to But, by my troth, though I am loth, from truth I must
not shrinkHis pastors and masters predicted disasters for one so
given to drink. But he said to them all, “ Begone!
Philosophy, like Beer,
It should be always clear," Said this young metaphysical, quizzical, phthisical,
bibulous student of Bonn.
Alas! at last his health broke fast. They called the
doctors in, And they prescribed cold-water cure and slops both
thick and thin. But he shook his head and faintly said, “I can't take
water neatYet tonic drops, with malt and hops decocted, were a
treat! Without it I can't get on!
I swallow nought but Beer
So foaming bright and clear,” Said this young metaphysical, quizzical, phthisical,
bibulous student of Bonn.
But every one, that it mustn't be done, protested loud
and long, And he couldn't bribe the nurse to do a thing so very
wrong. And day after day he faded away, and this—if you
would ask Was the latest word of his they heard, “Oh, pray don't
shake the cask !" And thus reflecting upon
He quitted this mortal sphere, Did this young metaphysical, quizzical, phthisical,
bibulous student of Bonn.
REASON, FOLLY, AND BEAUTY.
Reason, and Folly, and Beauty, they say,
Around the maid,
While Reason took
To his sermon-book; O! which was the pleasanter no one need doubt, Which was the pleasanter no one need doubt. Beauty, who likes to be thought very sage, Turned for a moment to Reason's dull page,
Till Folly said,
“Look here, sweet maid !" The sight of his cap brought her back to herself,
While Reason read
His leaves of lead,
“ There it is,"
Quoth Folly,“ old quiz !"
6 Under the sun,
There's no such fun, As Reason with my cap and bells on his head, Reason with my cap and bells on his head !". But Reason the head-dress so awkwardly wore, That Beauty now liked him still less than before;
While Folly took
Old Reason's book;