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origgernal with me. Them words was rit by Shakspeare who is ded.
His mantle fell onto the author of "The Seven Sisters,” who's goin to hav a Spring overcoat made out of it.
We got under way at larst, an' proceeded on our jerney at about the rate of speed which is ginrally obsarved by properly-conducted funeral processions. A hansum yung gal, with a red mosketer bar on the back side of her hed, and a sassy little black hat tipt over her forrerd, sot in the seat with me.
She wore a little Secesh flag pin'd onto her hat, and she was a goin for to see her troo love, who had jined the Southern army, all so bold and gay. So she told me. chilly and I offered her
blanket. " Father livin ?" I axed. “ Yes, sir." “Got any Uncles?” “A heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho."
“ Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and success to him! I will be your Uncle Thomas! Lean on me my pretty Secesher, and linger in Blissful repose !" She slept as secoorly as in her own housen, and didn't disturb the solum stillness of the night with 'ary snore !
At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the cars and inquired if “Old Wax Works” was on bored. That was the disrespectiv stile in which they referred to me,
" Becawz if Old Wax Works is on bored," sez a man with a face like a double-brested lobster, “ we're going to hang Old Wax Works!”
“My illustrious and patriotic Bummers !" sez I, a gittin up and takin orf my Shappo, “ if you allude to A. Ward, it's my pleasin dooty to inform you
that he's ded. He saw the error of his ways at 15 minits parst 2 yesterday, and stabbed hisself with a stuffed sledstake, dying in five beautiful tabloos to slow moosic ! His larst words was: 'My perfeshernal career is over ! I jerk no more!'"
“ And who be you?"
I'm going up North to steal some spoons and things for the Southern Army.”
This was satisfactry and the intossicated troopers went orf. At the next station the pretty little Secesher awoke and sed she must git out there. I bid her a kind adoo and giv her sum pervisions. “ Accept my blessin and this hunk of gingerbread !" I sed. She thankt me muchly and tript galy away. There's considerable human nater in a man, and I'm fraid I shall allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he cums to me in the shape of a nice young gal.
At the next station I didn't get orf so easy. I was dragged out of the cars and rolled in the mud for several minits, for the purpose of “takin the conseet out of me," as a Secesher kindly stated.
I was let up finally, when a powerful large Secesher came up and embraced me, and to show that he had no hard feelins agin me, put his nose int
I returned the compliment by placin my stummick suddenly agin his right foot, when he kindly made a spittoon of his able-bodied face. Actooated by a desire to see whether the Secesher had bin vaxinated I then fastened
teeth onto his left coat-sleeve and tore it to the shoulder. We then vilently bunted our heads together for a few minits, danced around a little, and sot down in a mud puddle. We riz to our feet agin & by a sudden and adroit movement I placed my left eye agin the Secesher's fist. We then rushed into each other's arms and fell under a two-hoss wagon. I was very much exhaustid and didn't care about gittin up agin, but the man said he reckoned I'd better, and I conclooded I would. He pulled me up, but I hadn't been on my feet mor'n two seconds afore the ground flew up and hit me in the hed. The crowd sed it was high old sport, but I couldn't zackly see where the lafture come in. I riz and we embraced agin. We careered madly to a steep bank, when I got the upper hands of my antaggernist and threw him into the He fell about forty feet, striking a grindstone pretty hard. I understood he was injured. I havn't heard from the grindstone.
A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a apology was doo me. There was a mistake. The crowd had taken me for another man! I told him not to mention it, and axed him if his wife and little ones was so as to be about, and got on bored the train, which had stopped at that station “20 minits for refreshments.” I got all I wanted. It was the hartiest meal I ever et.
I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin fire crackers bein tied to my coat tales. It was a fine spectycal in a dramatic pint of view, but I didn't enjoy it. I had other adventers of a startlin kind, but why continner? Why lasserate the Public Boozum with these here things ? Suffysit to say I got across Mason and Dixie's line safe at last. I made tracks for my humsted, but she to whom I'm harnist for life failed to recognize, in the emashiated bein who stood before her, the gushin youth of forty-six summers who had left her only a few months afore. But I went into the pantry, and brought out a certin black bottle. Raisin it to my lips, I sed “Here's to you, old gal!” I did it so natral that she knowed me at once. " Those form! Them voice ! That natral stile of doin things ! 'Tis he !" she cried, and rushed into
my arms. It was too much for her & she fell into a swoon. I cum very near swoundin myself.
No more to-day from yours for the Pepetration of the Union, and the bringin of the Goddess of Liberty out of her present bad fix.
A CURIOUS HISTORICAL PARALLEL.
Of a mercantile house in the City,
That he didn't get more was a pity!
You shall hear if you list to my ditty.
His possessions with ease I could reckon them up,
But I'll name one thing—and that's
Such a regular turk for the cats,
His appearance with numerous drats."
His food, and his drink, and his raiment.
But e'en for the puppy to claim meant,
The tax upon dogs to be strict with ;
Heavy penalties they would afflict with.
That dodge I'm too old to be tricked with !" Next day to the Bank he had money to take
For the mercantile house in the City.
He prevailed on the owner's committee.t
In the good ship's papers and books :And furthermore, I am bound to state,
That struck with the animal's looks, They entered the dog in the vessel's log
As a deputy-help of the cook's.
* Supposed to be St. Katharine's Docks. + A legal term, implying the captain to whom the ship was intrusted.
Now the captain was terribly prone to rum
His habits were truly a scandal,
He his ship was unable to handle-
Off the coast of Coromandel.
And out of the “ Scaly-nosed Snake's” whole crew
(They numbered in all a score),
That managed to swim to shore :-
For wbom there is drowning in store !*
But when Jack and the terrier reached the land,
To the former's consternation,
Drawn up like a deputation,
To make of him cold collation.
But he speedily found that his guess was wrong,
For they showed him the greatest civility, And wriggled and writhed as they led him along
With a superabundant agility
To the best of their poor ability.
Where were seated the King and Prime Minister, He found them by no means addicted to sport,
But to wearing a countenance sinister; For they both kept on keeping incessantly weeping
Quite strangers their cheeks to a grinny stir! The Minister greeted our friend with a tear,
And the King with a groan of “ Alack !"
* A delicate allusion to the proverb, “ Those who are born to be hanged will never be drowned.”'