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366 Tyrannical treatment of the last queen
448 Varieties 45, 87, 128, 163, 204, 248,
287, 325, 365, 406, 448, 486
162 how to improve the flavour of 168
AFRICAN chief, the
413 Oh, there is a dream of early youth 155
252 Parting song, a
179 Poet's wish, the
Soldier's bride, the
Song-Oh! 'tis not for her lovely face 242
179 Spirit of freedom ! is there not 276
91 Summer moon
34 The king of Arragon's lament for his
373 What, in the olden time, hast thou seen 146
BOSTON, APRIL 1, 1828.
[VOL. 9, N. S.
THE MAJOR AND MYSELF.
In youth's warm noon.”-Anon.
is clear that I cannot do better very cheaply purchased, by being than get rid of a few melancholy hours, compelled to place into thorough by a fond recollection of past events; repair the ruined limbs of a helpless wherein I have (it has so happened) marker, whom I casually cast out of been a chief feature. In these re- the window. collections, I find a great deal to con My advancement in the science of gratulate myself upon, but very little fencing was sullied, if not retarded, for which I can, with any consisten- by a silly accident. I chanced inado cy, affect gratitude. My vices have vertently, to dig out with my foil the been, and are, not worth mentioning; sinister orb that figured in the coupmy virtues I do not care to speak tenance of my gigantic friend, Lieuabout. It is well said, “ Virtue is tenant Jacks-an orb, I was afterits own reward ;" but it is not well wards apprized, never failing at an that it should be so.
ogle-fatal in point-blank encounter. I was, it has been told me, an ex- Alas! Lieutenant Jacks was never traordinary child ; giving early indi- after held in any account by the cations of a wonderful precocity of ladies, who looked upon him with as intellect and fertility of imagination, much indifference as upon that dowhich soon discovered itself in harm- mestic Polyphemus-a bodkin. less and pleasant conceits of shifting My skill in swimming ofttimes sefacts 'occasionally, but innocently, duced me to the treacherous deep. from my own proper shoulders to the Caught by the leg, as in a vice, by a back of others. How soon did I
cramp-tortured tyro, I have been scout, nay, utterly contemn, those fain to absurd chronicles of the nursery, narrated by its venerable occupant !
“ Visit the bottom of the monstrous world, how soon set at nought the rule of toe in digit, and have been grateful, that garrulous woman! Nor did my indeed, to emerge by hook or by youth belie the promise of my infan- crook of the Humane Society. cy. Suffice it, that to the prodigali- Drowning persons do not "catch at ty of nature was superadded the straws,” whatever some may affect liberal endowment of art.
to believe. And here I cannot but suspect that The Major and I were, in all remany of my qualifications have rath- spects, precisely similar-in taste, er tended to pluck me back in my habits, person-exactly alike. The progress through the world. Thus, Major was that very man whom it 1 ATHENEUM,
VOL. 9, 2d series.
pleased Providence to allot to me gerheads-alternate roar and falsetto; for a maternal uncle ; and truly the now rumbling and tumbling helterrelationship was inmediately dis- skelter down the scale; and anon cernible. But our intercourse was leaping over the diapason, and turnkept up in a spirit of companionship ing sharp corners of sound (if I may and equality, which something scan use the expression) in the most dedalized our friends. We were sworn lightful manner conceivable. Withbrothers in all parties--rivals in love; al, he was a perfect gentleman, forever dining at the same table The Major had been many years not unfrequently rolling together un- in India, from whence he returned der it.
touched slightly in the liver. It was The Major was a tall, loosely-ar- far from delightful to hear, therefore, ranged man, with a figure susceptible that his regiment was ordered off to of every variety of movement and Gibraltar shortly after his return. He contortion. His face was like the found himself unable to coincide ingenious apex of a carved walking- in this arrangement.--"What !” he stick; his arms, like grappling-irons. thundered, “chained to a rock, with Then his legs seemed attached to the liver complaint-like that old peshis body by way of special favour- tilent ninny, Prometheus-not to be extra appendages, borrowed by the thought of!" And so he exchanged hour;" and the feet belonging to into another regiment, congratulating these legs looked like continuations himself upon his prudence, and reof the same at right angles, or as peating ihe above pleasantry as an though Nature had doubled them evidence of it. Classical, I admit, down, to mark where she had left but hardly conclusive-more espeoff. Ladies would have called him cially as the exchange was any thing an ordinary-others thought him aa but advantageous. extraordinary-man.
Being at college, I oft received inNow the Major was a vast favour- timations of the Major's health and ite with the ladies ; and I do not proceedings from his own hand, some wonder at it. He was a very Che- of which were of a peculiarly strange valier Bayard of the drawing-room import; but I was not a little sur—the perfect type of chivalrous de- prised, one morning, to receive an votion. His bow was literally the effusion, which instructed me that he ne plus ultra of flexibility of man- (the Major) was contracted in mar
He was evidently bent upon riage to a lady who--this fatal manumaking “ both ends meet,”-like a script assured me—was violently pinched annuitant upon the verge of prejudiced against—nay, who deCandlemas. For elegant flattery, nounced me as a worthless abettor tact, liveliness, anecdote, humour, and encourager of his faults, which and untiring perseverance, there was she was about to eradicate. I was no one like him. For an eye, a advised to pursue diligently my stusigh, a squeeze of the hand, or an dies, and not to attempt, under pain appeal to the heart, I never heard of of frustration, to thrust myself into his equal. Perhaps I bear some re- their domestic tranquillity. The consemblance to him in these matters. clusion spake of a cessation of cash
Then could he dance immensely! payments. Once put in motion, so astonishing This effusion operated like a gewith his vigour in that exercise, that mini of new-sprung spectres upon my you would have sworn there must nerves. As my eye reeled upon be, not one, but many Majors—a each successive word, the air became legion in all parts of the room. In thick and clogged. I screwed the song, also, he was accounted great, letter painfully up into my clamny though I have heard some who de- palm ; my respiration quickened in nied the purity of his taste. His an irrational ratio, till at length it voice was a bass and soprano at log- gave birth to a clamorous complain
ing scream, which lasted during the However, gaining courage from remainder of the intelligence. It despair, I burst into the parlour, and, was too evident, as I knew, by the going upon my knees, demanded a sign of the “ crooked billet,” that I blessing. Alarmed, not a little, by was irretrievably marred, by which this abrupt genuflexion, the Major same token I despaired. And then, and his lady started from their chairs, no more remittances! The thing and gazed, first at me and then at
each other, dubiously, and in a man-"resolved itself into a do."
ner that would have moved the rigid I turned it over and over in my mind, muscles (rigid in death!) of the untill my brain took the hint, and be- fortunate Miss Bailey herself, but gan to turn likewise-but without which affected me not a whit. The avail.
Major took a pinch of snuff, as if I was thunderstruck. The Major preparing to metamorphose his hand married, and I unprovided for! That into a fist; and my aunt-in-law tosslast thought went, like a flash of light- ed a nose, blue as the firmament, inning, through all my empty pockets, to the air, and muttered expressions and set fire to bills which already ap
and disgust. peared waving in the hands of in “ It won't do, Jack-it wont't do!” portunate beings, with faces lit up said the Major, after a pause, with by a ruthless glare. What could strange calmness.
• Resume your I do but—as I did-order post- perpendicularity, and vanish. You're horses, and scamper across the coun
not safe. Now, do go-Jack, iny try to the mansion of the Major, dear boy, go—or I'll throw you out concocting affecting appeals, as I roll- of the window, you rascal, I will !" ed along, to all the finer sensibilities Saying which, I retired, and betouk of man's nature-nepotal affection, myself to the hall, in an agony of domestic tenderness, and what not; doubt, amazement, and fear. Here which I proposed to illustrate from I paced wildly about, smiling griethe practice of the fabled Pelican; vously, and at intervals breaking and, indeed, by instances carefully forth with disastrously whimsical conculled from natural history, well wor- fessions of the gratification this treatthy of belief, but assuredly very in- ment afforded me. Then did I arcredible.
range my frill, and pluck at my colAs I drew up the avenue, a pro- lar, till I nearly drew my shirt off phetic gloom spread itself over the my back; and kicked the chairs premises. A gang
of the about, after a most ridiculous fashion. most melancholy breed, held their Presently, the Major came oozing funeral course toward a sombre pond, through the parlour-door, and, beckand dropt, like substanes of lead, in- oning me to him, said confusedly, to it. A rustic swain, leaping on re- "Jack, you dog, you're not likedversed pitchfork, pursed up a brace abhorred, upon my soul! Therefore, of long lips, and created a tune of make no (broken) bones of the mato the wretchedest monotony; and the ter, but return to college.” And so, middle-aged aloe in front of the door squeezing into my hand a small paper, looked more stiff and formal than he shrunk back. Now this was
The servant who opened the spoken so hurriedly, that I found it door presented that index to the impossible to put in even an indefivolume of his brain, a face, in which nile article edgeways; argal, I was I read small emphatic meanings, as constrained to speak off-pacified, in in a vocabulary; and the butler, as a measure, by observing a bank-lote he advanced towards me, appeared pendent from my fingers; and, stepto my alarmed apprehensions, to be ping into the post-chaise, drove back drawing down' ihe corners of his again with even more speed than I mouth, even unto the waistcoat- came. pockets.
At college, I must confess, I do